is it possible to fall in love or become obsessed chatting in online dating?

[Tinydance]

It just happened with me, a couple of times. Where the other person was far away -- in another state, or in Europe. On OKCupid, where with the "questions" you answer, you can learn quite a bit about the other person. Exchanging long, perhaps intimate messages frequently -- it can become rather intense as well as intimate. The imagination can start to flow and then overflow. There are cases in history where people have done this just by writing letters (and sending them not snail mail, but by carriage!) I'm sure perhaps most people are not susceptible to this, but some are.

 

Yes I understand but I think sadly today we are not the same society where people only know each other through letters and then meet briefly and get married. These days people usually take a long time even in person to start to develop a serious relationship, though we can't control feelings of course. The reason why I asked that is because I'm a big sceptic when it comes to online relationships. I don't usually pursue anything of that sort online at all or think too much of it and that could be why I've never had feelings for anybody online, maybe beyond thinking they're cute or something. I wonder why someone would continue something like this knowing the other person is really far away? On OK Cupid I don't contact anyone not in my city, especially not in another country and if I get messages from people far away, I don't reply. I can't help thinking if you're investing so much in online relationships, is there lack of opportunity in real life? I mean Ok Cupid is a dating site, it's not like making friends online first and then realising you are starting to like them. The precedent of romance is always there.

[manyworlds]

quirky -- and, I wanted to mention, I came accross a few of your posts under a thread on "multidating." You seemed to say that you are quite uncomfortable with it but don't know how to handle its seeming prevalence today. (I'm not sure it's all as prevalent as a lot of people think, even online, but I could be wrong.)

 

That thread was in 2012 -- have you come closer to resolving any of this since then?

 

On OKC there is a question about preferring to date one person at a time or dating several "when you are not in a serious relationship." I actually kept track of the answers to that when given by women whose profiles I clicked on. Somewhat to my surprise, about 7/8 or 9/10 of the women answered "prefer to date one at a time." Of course, this perhaps was biased by the profiles that appealed to me. But it was still pretty striking.

 

I saw an OLD survey recently that said that about the same proportion of both men and women actually only date one at a time. And that is pretty consistent with the experience of people I know who I've asked about their online experience. Except possibly for the dreaded coffee meetups -- which might not be worth counting as "dates" at all -- they are pretty consistently one-at-a-timers.

 

That does not count however more recent hookup sites -- it's stuff like Match, OKC, etc.

[manyworlds]

Tinydance -- very interesting perspective you have there. I am probably in a really different place than you -- I'm older, having tried to return to having a romantic life after a long time away -- the reasons for the away time and the return I'll keep to myself just now. I grew up in a much different era when romance was still the prevalent goal of most women and a great many men, including young people, perhaps especially young people.

 

Perhaps OLD really is a waste of time. Is there opportunity for me in real life? Yes and know. Most of my friends, except for old friends, are much younger than, in some cases far younger. The reason being that these are mainly the people I come into social interaction with, for reasons I won't go into. And also, in truth, I probably enjoy their company more than that of people my age, who increasingly just seem, well, old.

 

So, IRL I actually have more opportunities with younger women and fewer with attractive women my own age. Yes, there are some, but they have to work hard at it to stay in shape and stay attractive. Most older people -- I'm talking older middle age, not old old -- simply aren't that attractive, mainly because they don't take care of themselves.

 

So, I took up OLD mainly to meeting women more my age -- I have to say, not with great results so far. In some ways, the drama is even worse than it was when I was younger, but the enticing opportunities are fewer.

 

Something for you to look forward to!

[manyworlds]

These days people usually take a long time even in person to start to develop a serious relationship, though we can't control feelings of course. I mean Ok Cupid is a dating site, it's not like making friends online first and then realising you are starting to like them. The precedent of romance is always there.

 

Making friends online first -- ah, that would be more like how it was back in my high school and even college days -- although the feeling of being loose in the candy store was strong then, there was also still a fairly strong notion that you "made friends first and then realised that you are starting to like them." I think OLD would be a lot better if it were somehow like this -- but it's really not, it's all about sex first, plus it has the feel of being like shopping for someone -- about as romantic as a trip to Target or something -- it definitely has a very cold feel about it to me.