why is he still with me?

[mhm]

Hello! This is my first post, so thank you in advance for reading it.

 

I'm having non-stop feelings of anxiety over my six and a half year relationship. We have been long-distance for a year and a half now, when we both went to university. We are both 21 and really in love with each other, but it is tough being apart from each other and it leaves me wondering about the future.

 

We are both young and thereforeeee marriage is somewhat out of the question. I wouldn't mind getting married as young as 23 (when I am finished school). But my bf doesn't give any thought at all towards marriage, except when I ask him about it. I find myself feeling badly that he isn't inclined to dream about me as his wife in general. He always talks about his future wife as someone in the future that he has not met. It not only defleats my self-esteem a little bit, but it also makes me wonder why he is still with me. We have a very stable relationship that has gotten through alot of issues and I cannot see us breaking up. I have tried to break up because I feel we have no future but it never lasts. In highschool I thought he stayed with me out of comfort and because I got attention from guys and he wouldn't want me to date them. But now that he is so far away and the relationship is so difficult, I wonder why he stays with it. He has moved to a big city 5 hours away to be a musician and has no intention of leaving it unless to go to an even bigger city. I live in out hometown that he doesn't see himself moving back to. I will not move there and chase after him unless we were serious enough about each other to get married one day.

 

Does anyone else think it is a bit too long to stay with someone for 61/2 years without a future in sight of living together in the same city or getting married? Why is he staying with me?!?!?!

 

thanks!

[Ecko809]

Hey,

 

6 and 1/2 years is quite a serious relationship. Although I have never been in a long distance relationship before, I can only imagine how hard that must be. How often do you see him? Being a guy i know the thought of getting married freaked me out but I overcame it. If he loves you like you love him, im sure hes thought of the idea before, guys just dont come out and want to talk about what type of flowers they want and stuff. He stays with you for a reason, you guys have a past together and that probably means alot to him too. Ask him if he thinks you are part of his future (as a wife, fiancee ect) and take it from there.

[mhm]

Thx for the reply. When you say that you got over it, what made you do so? Finding the right girl or growing older?

 

What bothers me when I asked him about his views on marriage in general, is that he tells me that he really wants a family and talks about his future wife with so much respect and how well he would treat her. But then when we talk about our future, he says that he doesn't believe in marriage and that he never wants to get married. He has told me that he thinks 30 is a good age to get married. But to me its all about finding the right person not being the right age. Also, in the past he gets all upset when I talk about it and yells at me "Is a ring what you want?! I'll go buy a ring! GOD"....which makes me feel terrible and that I never want to talk to him about it again. He acts as though marriage is so unpleasant when applied to us. However, he seems very happy to imagine it in the far far future with some annonymous wife. I simply interpret this as a sign that he is not as in love with me as I am with him.

 

I have heard by many people and in books and such that if a man doesn't know after all that time, that he never will know. This throws me for a loop because of our age. Should I disregard this advice?

[justagirl20f]

Darling, he's telling you about as clearly as he can that he's just not that into you. It's hard to hear, and even harder to then go and react to in the way you should, but he's not. Why is he in it for so long? Why not? He hasn't met his future love of his life, so you're a pretty convenient way of making time pass until he does.

 

If what you say is true, and he really does give you so much grief (i.e. "If you want a ring, I will get you a friggin ring. Jeez!") but then talks about a future wife and family he will treat like a queen, I dont know really how much more clearly he can say, "babe, I'm just wasting your time till I find my soulmate... Hang around until I find her so I won't be alone, won't you? Thanks"

 

I'm so sorry for you because you sound like you deeply care about this man. Good luck, hugz.

[RayKay]

I am sorry sweetie you are going through this....I know how rough it is to hear the man you love talk about his future wife and his future without you...it really hurts.

 

But it does sound as perhaps he does not think you are that one, and I am going to venture a guess that since he is 21 as well, and you have been together for 6 1/2 years - since you were only 14/15 - that you have both changed a lot, and that maybe he is feeling he needs to do some growing in his own before he settles down. This is something common for both men and women to need to do, and why so many relationships that started before the partners were in their 20s find themselves coming apart in the earlier 20s. People need the chance to grow and sometimes that is hard to do when you are with the same person you have basically grown up with.

 

I think he does love you - shown by the fact that he has been with you so long and is still with you through the long distance - but he probably does feel, or know, that he is going to reach a time where he needs to be apart. And, yes, you definitely deserve someone who knows they want you in their future. I think it is fine to stay in this relationship for moment if you are feeling satisfied and understand that it may not lead to marriage, but if that is something that is important to you, or you are not satisfied maybe it is time you two parted. I would have a really good conversation with him. Tell him how you feel, and if he has such an outburst like "if you want a ring I'll get you a ring GOD!" again, stay calm and firm and say you don't want a ring for the sake of having a ring...you want to be with someone who wants to share a future with you. But if either of you can't see this happening, it may be time to set each other free...you both got together so young and have been together so long it can be really scary to imagine not being together I know...but trust me, you will be okay and grow so much.

 

You DO deserve someone who is excited about your future together and lets you know it...not someone who talks about their future without you...

 

Good luck with whatever happens

[bobster]

I can totally relate to this topic. I have my own experiance.

 

I think what RayKay says is spot on, so I'd go along with that.

 

Bobster.

[Cecelius]

I can't read into the situation very much because of the medium, but let me give you this outside possibility: its a man/woman communication issue (as it happens, I am a man and over 30).

 

my g/f is the greatest g/f I've ever had, but I am more likely to cry at the Star Spangled Banner than to start talking about "when we are married" or "when you are my wife..." It's just-- doofy, I guess, to me.

 

Above and beyond that, I'd point out that even after 6 years, you both are pretty young, so marriage comments may be unripe to him (meaning, most people, female or male, find 21 to be too young to get caught up with it).

 

lastly, I'd point out that there is a growing sense among people, in light of all kinds of reports about how life changes dramatically and materially adversely, on average, after people get married. He may be evaluating what he thinks about that.

 

In short, he may still be into you in all kinds of ways (possibly he is not giving to you what you feel you need, but perhaps that can be fixed) and is just going forward.

[xmrth]

I think you should leave it be and focus more on the present day rather than the future.

He may even be playing a mind game with you by talking about a future wife, because even I have done that and talked about a future husband to try to get my boyfriend of 5 years to warm up to marriage somehow. Your boyfriend may not have the same intention with it-- maybe he's just looking for some kind of reaction from you.

Maybe this applies also to his feelings-- he may just really really want to be sure that who he marries is the right person. It could be you! But don't pester him about it anymore, just let it be. I'm trying to go at least a year without mentioning it (I whave mentioned it maybe once a month to my boyfriend, and then alot recently which caused alot of commotion because I came off as pressuring)

It is causing problems by talking about it so much, or even talking about it at all, you know? His response to what you say about marriage with him wasn't nice, but every boyfriend says things that aren't nice, and so do girlfriends. Just let it go for now; that's what I think would be a good idea.