Head and Heart Disagree

[Jetta]

I'm really struggling about this situation. You see I'm falling in love with a guy who is unlike anyone I would normally be interested in (he smokes and is bisexual). When I'm around him I'm uplifted, calm, and want to be a better person. Just a cloud 9, pure joy, type of feeling. Despite knowing the negative things about him these feelings are unchanged, and visa versa (he knows pretty much everything and still is showing interest).

 

However, I am married. This guy is aware of that and has kept a reasonable distance, but has also made it know he's feeling something for me. These are feelings unlike anything I've felt for anyone before, and people on both sides have noticed (his friends and mine). In all honesty knowing what I know about him my husband is logically the better choice, but I can't imagine my life without love.

 

Would you give up a stable, comfortable relationship for an unknown like love? I never felt so alive until the day I met this guy. Yet are these feelings real or will they change leaving me regretful? I mean no relationship is perfect, and my marriage has problems. But I really am struggling with the belief in love over security.

 

Any insight?

[Amasa]

I think marriage should last forever. (easier said than done i know) If you married your husband you loved him at one point. You should spend more time trying to get back to that. I think sometimes people think it's easier to start fresh than to fix problems, but your married, so you gotta try. And you should be friends with the other guy, if you can handle it. There's nothing wrong with being around people that make you feel good. But just make sure you can handle only being friends.

[Jetta]

If you married your husband you loved him at one point.

Actually no I didn't love him. I thought wrongly that love developed through shared experiences in life. I now know it's there or not, but what I don't know is if it lasts (since I have never felt this way before).

[pineapplegirl]

Actually no I didn't love him.

 

I think your answer lies in that comment. Life is too short to not feel a love that encompasses you. But, I'd say GO SLOW!!! You do not want to ruin your marriage for a short lived fling...

 

Best of luck.

[Hope75]

How does your husband feel about you? Does he love you? Does he think you love him?

 

A marriage is supposed to be about two people loving each other and wanting the same things in life... it's a shame you married him knowing you didn' t love him.

 

Be fair to him, how would he feel if you stepped out on him? Does he know his wife is in a loveless marriage and fantacizing about someone else? If not, that is pretty inconsiderate of his feelings. Maybe you should consider both your feelings and try a seperation?

 

Think long and hard about this....life is indeed sad without true love,

but you MARRIED your husband, and that means something. If you choose to pursue a relationship with the other man you run the risk of losing youe husband, for whatever reasons you are hanging on to him. Is it worth the risk?

[Jetta]

Yes I know, but the pressure is pretty intense. My husband wants to know where I stand (because I was open with him about having feelings for someone else). He sort of picked up on it and started asking questions. I suggested marriage counseling but he doesn't think it's necessary (for him). I'm really sitting here wondering how to proceed.

 

Yes he says he loves me, but I think he's really in love with the idea of being love. We have no common interests, aside from sex and our child.

[Sable]

how old is your child?

if he or she is very young you should think about acting on this sooner rather than later. If he or she grows up with an atmosphere between the two of you, he will pick up that you dont love eachother. Trust me this is worse than having separate parents. If you really dont think it will work in the long term dont make you child suffer this just to have you separate in his teens.

However if your child is older than this, you will have to try your hardest to push this new man to the back of your mind. you have another life to consider which is more important than you or you husbands at the moment.

What is it they say, 'Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'.

 

You dont have to take this advice, just consider it. Its just one girls opinion from her experiance.

 

good luck.

[Jetta]

Sable,

Our child is 2 1/2, we've been married for 4 1/2 years. I'd prefer to work things out but he really lives in denial. He doesn't want to hear anything negative I have to say about our relationship. He attempted to jump out of the car once because I started talking to him about things that were really upsetting me.

 

He hasn't agree to marriage counseling (because it's all me with the problem). I started to develop my own life outside of him and have met several people. This guy is the first that has me spinning, although he's not the first to show interest (most I politely decline). And honestly if I could control my feelings for him I would.

 

I had started considering divorce over the summer, but have wavered because my husband does have good qualities (we just don't click in many ways). This other guy showing up is just kind of throwing a wrench in things.

 

I don't know maybe just writing helps me clarify my own stance.

 

Edited to add: The other guy has let me know he's not just looking for a fling, which gives mixed feelings, but it is good to know he isn't some player. He also said he's been with about 5 people, which doesn't sound too awful to me.

[Hope75]

Your husband doesn't seem to understand that when a marriage is in trouble, it takes 2 people to learn how to handle the crisis and move forth from it together. By placing all the blame on you, refusing to discuss any problems (he jumped out of the car???) and denying the idea of therapy, he is shutting out the possibility of correcting a potentially correctable situation. He is living in denial.

 

It would seem as though there is little to hold onto in your marriage. Do you think he would be reasonable and share parenting responsiblities if you asked for a trial seperation?

 

I think you def. made a mistake marrying a man when you knew you didn't love him, but you seem to realize that now. I think the best thing you can do to redeem yourself and be fair to your husband and child is to separate from your husband, and both of you work on being excellent parents to your child, apart from one another. Show each other courage and respect by moving away from a relationship that clearly isn't working and focus on your child, and your own lives as individuals.

 

Then, if you want to pursue this other man, that is your right. I wonder though if he is just means to an out for you, as your marriage seems very unfulfilling, no common interests, no love, it's very sad.

 

Maybe counselling for you to figure out where your feelings are coming from would help, though without your husband's participation, it won't save your marriage.

[Amasa]

I think the seperation is a good idea too. At best that would be a wake up call to your husband that ya'll are having some serious problems. I still think the other guy should be way out of the way to make sure that you are making clear decisions with your husband. And of course you have strong feelings for the other guy, it's called infatuation, what if you throw away your marriage, get together with the other guy then realize there's no love their either.

You and your husband have at least 5 years of hisory, you need to make your husband realize that your having problems so you can work on them. Even if that means a seperation

[Jetta]

He didn't jump out but he threated to. Open the door, but I sped up so it would have killed him or hurt him badly if he actually did.

 

I actually would like to separate but money is what is keeping us together, or lack thereof. I don't know how we could do that. I know right now he's being all lovely dovey and all I want is space to get my head figured out.

 

The last thing I really want is a relationship with a man. I really want to become financially independent so I never end up in a relationship like this again. That is why I'm working to obtain a real estate license, but he has been sabatoging my studying because I'm sure he knows it's what's keeping me here.

 

Okay truth is I know what I want out. I guess I just block out a lot of stuff so until I start releasing it I forget. Must be that double life I feel I have to play until I'm really ready to leave, yes I feel badly about it. I know we both love our daughter and I believe he will be a good father to her, but it will still be an adjustment for her not seeing him daily. I just need to focus on getting out in the best way possible for us all.

 

Wow I feel so much clearer now. Thank you all.

[Cassie]

Jetta,

 

you may want to consider a separation until you can figure out your own feelings. You did marry your husband for a reason and perhaps current events have clouded that reason for yourself. Give yourself a bit of time. It is really a shame he seems to be in denial about your marital problems. I hope things will change for the better for both of you, best of luck.