HE CHEATED ON HER TO BE W/ME, NOW WHAT???

[pineapplegirl]

About 4 years ago I got involved with a married man. He has since filed for a divorce and we have continued our involvement. Needless to say, our relationship has been a secret from everyone. And, we have become very good at hiding it from the world. Until the divorce is finalized, our relationship will remain unseen. And, most likely, will stay unseen well after the divorce. We met professionally and it would be VERY damaging to both of us.

 

My dilemma arises: How can I trust a man that is so good at keeping secrets? Am I a fool to think that our relationship will ever be healthy?

I find myself wondering if he was so good about keeping us a secret from his wife and kids, isn't it just as easy for him to keep another relationship secret from me?

 

No judgements please. I know that I slept with a married man, and that I shall lay in the bed I made. But, objective feedback is what I'm looking for. Thank you.

[Hope75]

Pineapple,

 

We're not here to judge you, just to offer an objective perspective and try and help you if we can.

 

I think you probably already know the answers to your questions, but I don't believe you can ever completely trust a man who has lied and kept such a secret from his wife and kids for the past 4 years. Lying has become a way of life for him, and a man who has so little respect for his marriage (and this is not an insult to him, just the truth, as stated by his actions) is not likely to have respect for any subsequent relationship either. I'm sure he loves you, but don't you think at some point he had those feelings for his wife too? What about his children? An affair hurts everyone in the family, whether it intends to or not. This pattern of behavior tends to repeat itself.

 

If your relationship is to be kept secret because of professional boundries, even AFTER his divorce goes through, I don't see how you will ever find fulfillment with him if you can't even be seen in public, or discuss your relationship with anyone. Do you? It must be exhausting to keep this from everybody all the time, and although the 'naughty' factor probably fanned the fire in the beginning, it is highly unlikely that it will continue to have that effect.

 

I think with all the obsticles you would need to overcome, and the trust issues I don't think will EVER be overcome, this relationship sounds doomed to fail.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I am just speaking honestly.

 

Good luck.

[pineapplegirl]

Thank you for being candid. I appreciate your feedback. And, yes, it has been very exhausting keeping it from everyone...

[Hope75]

You're welcome.

 

I'm not going to judge you, but I am concerned for you that this relationship can only go so far, with it's 'special circumstances' and limitations.

 

What do you think you'll do?

[pineapplegirl]

Quit cold turkey??? What would you propose?

[fantasia2004]

do you love this person enough to be with them in the long run because the heat of passion can only go so far.

[Mun]

Not to be the bad guy here, but I think if you bail on him now he will think you were playing with him all along. I don't know him though.. so that's just my guess. Just wondering why this had not come up before in the relationship... and is he getting out just to be with you or is he getting out because he is very unhappy in his marriage and wants out?

[pineapplegirl]

Hi again Muneca,

To answer your question: he is unhappy and wants out of his marriage.

Any thoughts in light of that?

[Hope75]

Pineapple,

 

I think you should do what feels right for you. I am concerned because of the questions you asked in your first post, you are having doubts about him and given your situation, I think your concerns are valid.

 

You deserve someone who will devote themselves to you and you alone, and you aleady shared him with his wife for 4 years, and there's no gaurentee he won't stray from you if he finds someone who he perceives to be better.

 

In addition to this issue, there's the fact that you are keeping this relationship hidden from everyone.

 

For me I know that part of my happiness is sharing our lives with family and friends. I am going through a messy situation with my ex right now

 

(if you've got 10 minutes:

link removed )

 

but when we were officailly together I loved spending time with his family, and mine, and our friends, doing things together with everyone. Obviously time alone is important too, but a relationship is more than that, and I think you are shortchanging yourself by staying with him, because you are denying yourself these possibilities.

 

I mean, you have to watch yourself all the time, be careful what you say and what you do, and wouldn't it be nice to share your happiness with your family and or friends? Don't you deserve that?

[sisterlynch]

I kind of think that the guilt that you are going through is justified. You are in the midst of a pretty difficult stiuation, and you feel like you have no release. I think that we all can relate to that feeling, like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It is a feeling of ambivalence. The passion has worn off and the reality has set in, this happens in all relationships. The prince has some worts, oh well. Big deal!

 

You will live either way. You will survive! Go forward, since you can't go back!!

[AllTheMoonLong]

I'll add my $.02 for what it's worth... I'm a guy who went through

a divorce -- amicable split, no kids, no infidelity; kind of a

color-by-numbers sort of process. Even that simply, even when we

had decided to stay friends, even then, it ran me through the wringer

emotionally. Divorce is a huge strain, and that without the issues

that are complicating this one.

 

I know, I know, every person is different, but I think

you need to consider the fact that he may be leaning on you instead

of standing on his own two feet after his marriage. That's where

my concern originates -- If I were you I would want to be sure that

he really loves me (you), and really wants a relationship... This means

being public, changing jobs if necessary to do it, being a couple,

being together, and the whole enchilada... Not behind closed doors only.

 

I'm not going to get on my soapbox about rebound relationships,

nor do I want to trivialize the attraction that has kept you with him

so long. My point is that you owe it to yourself to make sure that

he is not using you to escape a bad situation with his previous marriage.

I think it's hard to say if his leaving a bad marriage is a sign that he

might one day leave you, and frankly there are too many if's in that

hypothesis to make the answer meaningful. Instead, I think the

question might better be "How do he-and-I now build a solid relationship

that is about US being a couple and not us being an affair?"

 

That seems like the real concern going forward, at least from what

I gathered from your posting. It sounds like on the minus side you

have this "shared surreptitious history" and the remaining baggage from

his divorce (no matter what he says, it's there, guaranteed). And,

perhaps, there might be some things that you've pushed under the

rug in order to keep a clandestine relationship going that need to

be aired now too. On the plus side, I would expect you have chemistry

with each other, a shared work world, and the fact that he HAS started

making a change to be with you. I suspect it won't be easy, so it's

good that you're weighing the choices carefully.

 

Wishing you the best...

[pineapplegirl]

Thanks to all of you who posted:

 

Muneca: As always, pearls of wisdom I receive from you. I would not want him to think I'm bailing out, especially so close to the end of the divorce...But, I wonder if I get out of the water now, instead of say a year from now, maybe I'll be doing something for myself...?

 

Hope: Thanks for making me think. I'll check out your thread.

 

Fantasia: In the long run, I hope I don't make the wrong decision.

 

Sisterlynch: Amazingly, there is still passion, but I think now that the divorce is coming to a close, I'm wondering if there's anything else other than passion...

 

Moon: He has leaned on me in the past 4 years, and still does in the midst of his divorce. I like to be able to help, if not just by listening to him and providing some feedback for him. Going public would be a venture that I'm not certain I can even fathom right now, and when the divorce is said and done...who knows, maybe he or I will be ready to "out" the relationship, but until then, in the closet it stays... I like the question of "How do he and I build a solid relationship...?" I wonder if that is possible. I know that I will undoubtedly have demons in my head about how the relationship began, I don't know how I will fight those demons. Our tacit relationship has made me question a lot about him, about me, about relationships and marriages. Our chemistry is still there, so is the passion, but I guess I just don't know if it's worth me holding on, if it's worth the struggle, if it's worth the fight...

 

Thank you again.

[AllTheMoonLong]

... I like the question of "How do he and I build a solid relationship...?" I wonder if that is possible. I know that I will undoubtedly have demons in my head about how the relationship began, I don't know how I will fight those demons. Our tacit relationship has made me question a lot about him, about me, about relationships and marriages. Our chemistry is still there, so is the passion, but I guess I just don't know if it's worth me holding on, if it's worth the struggle, if it's worth the fight...

 

I think it's healthy that you're asking those questions, or as you put it,

wrestling with those demons. And I think it's mature of you to ask some

questions about yourself as well as him, ie what drew you to this kind of

relationship, and what keeps you in it. It takes courage to put all of

this out into the ether of cyberspace and wonder what will come back to

you. Reading back over this thread I see you've gotten the objective

feedback you asked for, and some much-deserved support, too. I'm

going to take a risk and go a step further with what I wrote before.

 

I was sitting here musing about The Bell Jar -- it's been ages

since I read Plath's novel -- her poems speak more clearly to me -- but

I was thinking of that image of Esther in the fig tree, starving because

she could not decide which fig to choose. She's smart and pretty and

can have any one she wants, but the choice...any choice, would (to her)

imply the loss of the others. I think that image stayed with me because

it speaks so vividly to my own life -- I can (and have) been paralyzed

by possibility. In my own case, the decision to leave my marriage was

the longest and most painful of my life, because I didn't want to abandon

the possibility that it could be restored. And I didn't want to be "the bad

guy" by leaving. But I knew that I was starving. Anyway, I didn't have

an affair, but I considered it a few times when the opportunity was there

for the taking. Probably I was just afraid of making my life even more

impossibly complicated. Maybe I was scared of being found out. In

my more noble moments, (ha!) I knew I wanted my next relationship

to be just about me and the other person, each on our own two feet,

each single before being paired. Maybe that's wishful thinking,

since everyone comes with baggage -- be it past lovers or marriages.

The part of me that wanted an affair was the part that wanted passion,

and wanted closeness again and wanted a shared world of the mind/body

and (here's the hard part) DIDN'T WANT to make a final decision about

my marriage. In other words, for me, having a secret relationship was

a way of keeping open the possibility that my marriage MIGHT be saved

and also keeping open the possibility that I might leave it for someone

who was more exciting and energizing and alive. But not just yet...

It was me, in the fig tree, paralyzed by not being able to decide.

 

I'm sitting here wondering if I should delete the paragraph above. It

is painful to see the childish side of myself that wants it all, and likewise

to write about it to a relative stranger. But I feel like perhaps

I understand something about the sort of struggle and doubts you face

from a different angle. So here you go, and I thought also that

I would offer a wish, for what it's worth -- I hope that you take care

of yourself by making a choice. You deserve a non-clandestine

relationship with someone, either this guy or someone else out there.

I don't mean to go all psychological jargony about it, but integrating

our lives into a whole -- one transparent reality, without hiding things

and the fear behind it, is the path forward. It's the one I'm stumbling

ahead on, I hope.

 

So, if you wish, please write more about what you are thinking, and

what you are hoping for. I can't speak for anyone else on this forum

but I suspect there are a lot of us out there/here that are rooting for

you as you wrestle with these tough questions!

[sisterlynch]

Can I just ask something to clarify how you are feeling at present? Are you getting tired of him? Be honest...

[pineapplegirl]

I think it's that I'm getting tired of trying to figure out how all of this is going to end up... And if it is really worth the struggle, the fight, the adversity and the obstacles. If I could choose to fall in love with a man who is totally available and that I get along with etc., I would pick that over this any day. But, I took the wrong path, so to speak, four years ago. I can't just erase how I feel, but God how I wish I could...It's making me very tired.

[Mun]

Don't force yourself to stay with him if you're unhappy. Better to walk away now than a couple of years down the road. You do have a choice here. If you feel you made a mistake four years ago... then amend it now. You have to stay true to yourself.

 

Good luck girl

[sisterlynch]

I agree with Muneca -- you are just at the beginning of the long haul. Maybe this guy has some emotional problems that were not revealed to you since he was still committed to his wife when the relationship started.

 

You have every right to be frustrated and upset. He is the one that committed adultery, not you. I can't imagine that he is going to stay committed in this relationship, if he couldn't in the other one.

[Cecelius]

It sounds as if he's putting out too much grief compared with how much pleasure he's producing for you.

 

I was in a situation similar to his in the sense of starting something new much too quickly relative to exiting the other. Frankly, in my case, I am VERY careful not to let any baggage or perceived baggage get put onto my g/f for all the reasons he might identify (though all our friends certainly know about us as do work associates). Primarily, I try to keep it very slow to ensure that I'm doing the right thing by her (I am somewhat presumptuous about what I think is best for her by her account).

 

Also, and I do not want to project, but is it remotely possible that he, while he is clearly the guiltier party, thinks that he may not be justified in relying on you because you crossed some boundries with him back in the day?

[pineapplegirl]

Thanks all for your support, I'm tumbling through this one everyday. And I'll get there in time. And, with good support and advice it will make whatever the next step a lot more tolerable. Much Mahalo...

 

CECELIUS:

 

is it remotely possible that he, while he is clearly the guiltier party, thinks that he may not be justified in relying on you because you crossed some boundries with him back in the day?

 

I'm not sure if I understand your question, but it sounds like you might be on to something that open my eyes a little more/maybe even enlightens me...Could you clarify what you're asking, I'd love to know.

[sisterlynch]

Who is the guiltier party? I think that she is making the suggestion that both the poster and the man who is cheating are wrong, not just the man, who was married, as I suggested.

 

While I completely agree that it is her guilty conscience that is making her unhappy right now, I would point the finger at the guy, as he is the one who stood in front of wittnesses and made an oath to God, that he would commit to the one lady that he called his wife, and he obviously broke the promise and made love with this lady before breaking it off properly with the first wife....

 

To me that is the issue, and I feel like the poster wants to say that outloud, but doesn't give herself permission...

[pineapplegirl]

Thanks for the clarification sisterlynch,

 

I certainly don't mind admitting that I have a large part of the blame

 

here. I know that this is a path that I CHOSE, and I will simply have to

 

live with the ramifications of that...

 

 

 

 

 

But, I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. And while it may

 

have been naive of me 4 years ago to think I could walk away from this

 

whole situation unscathed, I certainly have learned my lesson, and a few

 

that I will never forget... ](*,) Thanks again.

[sisterlynch]

Good Luck,and I hope that things work out for you!!

[Hope75]

pineapple girl,

 

Totally off the subject (but maybe you need some respite.....)

 

Are you in Hawaii?

 

Which island?

[pineapplegirl]

Family originally from Hawaii...Oahu to be exact.

[Hope75]

Ah,

 

Just wondering.

 

I spent some time on Kauai this summer and it was heavenly.

 

Your saying "Much Mahalo" to someone on the forum brought back beautiful memories.

 

Maybe a nice vacation to see family would be an order for you? Any family still there?