How to help a friend through divorce

[wondering731]

Wondering how to help a friend. She had a baby girl and immediately after, her husband came out of the closet. She found proof of things he may have been doing during her pregnancy and is planning on divorcing him.

 

She has called me and has asked me to come over a couple of times so she could talk. I've been listening and have been trying to be there. Not really sure what else I can do. Should i encourage therapy rather than her talking to me? Any advice?

[panther]

You may ask her if there is anything you can do for her.

The healing is hers alone and there is not much more you can do besides being a good friend, patient and being there to listen to her when she needs it.

[catfeeder]

Not really sure what else I can do. Should i encourage therapy rather than her talking to me? Any advice?

 

If you're completely clear about this woman as friend-only material, and you're also sure that she views you the same way, then just keep doing what you're doing--you're an excellent friend to have. However, if you're attracted to her and view her as potential dating material in the future, give her a list of 2 or 3 therapists who you've researched as specializing in divorce or grief counseling--along with a list of some good matrimonial attorneys.

 

Then tell her exactly why you'll need to pull back: you are conflicted because you view her as potential relationship material in the future, so you need to step away while you both think highly of one another. You intend to touch base and stay in loose contact, say once or twice a month, until her divorce is finalized.

 

Where do you stand?

[GhostB88]

Do recommend a therapist. They are professionals and can give better consolation than you. Therapists probably studied on the subjects before so they have experience with this situation, while you are new at this and probably don't know how to help. (No offense)

[ParisPaulette]

I second recommending a therapist. While you as a friend can and should listen you need to be careful not to fall into the trap of "unpaid therapist." That means if you have other plans, you keep those plans. Don't drop everything and run to her every time she calls and demands you come over. Maintain your own life, be warm and sympathetic but maintain your own boundaries. And make sure the friendship stays a two-way street with her listening to you talk about your day or issues too after the initial phase of her finding these things out has cooled down.

 

Example 1. Good handling: She calls you and you're getting ready to go out with friends. You tell her, "I'm going out, but let's do lunch. I'm free next week at 1:30, my treat." And you remain firm that you cannot come over right then and there or talk, you make a date to see her, then you hang up the phone and go out with your other friends. Later that week you see her at lunch, you both talk, then you go back to work or wherever.

 

Example 2. Bad handling: She calls you and you're getting ready to go out with friends. You drop everything, tell your friends you can't make it and race over where you spend all night handing her kleenex while she sobs and wails. The next night she does it again an the next and the next. Eventually your other friends start excluding you, because every time they make plans you break them to rush to her aid. And before you know you are suddenly her manservant/therapist on call 24/7.

[wondering731]

If you're completely clear about this woman as friend-only material, and you're also sure that she views you the same way, then just keep doing what you're doing--you're an excellent friend to have. However, if you're attracted to her and view her as potential dating material in the future, give her a list of 2 or 3 therapists who you've researched as specializing in divorce or grief counseling--along with a list of some good matrimonial attorneys.

 

Then tell her exactly why you'll need to pull back: you are conflicted because you view her as potential relationship material in the future, so you need to step away while you both think highly of one another. You intend to touch base and stay in loose contact, say once or twice a month, until her divorce is finalized.

 

Where do you stand?

 

She is just a friend, but I feel like I'm in a place where I'm still learning how to deal with situations. You have even given me advice recently that has helped in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm qualified to help. Thank you though

[GhostB88]

So yes, to be blunt, a) you are not qualified to really help her out of this situation, so act like a friend, not a professional therapist and b) you don't want her to be over-dependent on you. It hurts her with the healing, and hurts you with your own social life.

 

If you want to learn how to deal with this situation better, you can try going to group therapy or support groups together with your friend. That way, she can get the professional advice and new friends she needs, and you can be a side player, learning the wisdoms dealing with friends going through divorce.

[catfeeder]

She is just a friend, but I feel like I'm in a place where I'm still learning how to deal with situations. You have even given me advice recently that has helped in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm qualified to help. Thank you though

 

Given your answer, it's not an 'either/or' situation since you view yourselves as friends. You can still extend your friendship to her ~and~ she can reach for a therapist.