On-and-Off Relationship

[SanSerif]

Hi guys, I'm having a rough time.

 

My ex and I have been through a lot, over two years. We've broken up many times, however...usually because of the way we fighted. How we communicated unmet needs was quite volatile. Most of the time, I was the recipient of some pent-up behavior she would unload. I'm not skirting responsibility; just critical of how she approached communication. When I'd had enough of her blasting, I'd end it. No one should be on the receiving end of that kind of language or behavior. At the same time, her needs weren't being met and we kept getting back together.

 

I'm sure you know how this story goes. We broke up two weeks ago and I miss her. With time and perspective I keep thinking about all the good things we had going for us. We grew very close and almost breached that barrier; that last hurdle where we could really talk about everything to one another. But she was closed, and she would clam-up when it came to really talking about issues. She'd wait for me to approach issues, then either blow up or shut down. I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

None of this changes the fact that I love her and really wish this could end some other way. Or even not end at all, but our communication was horrible. I quit drinking on August 26th and I've had some painful revelations since. Good revelations eventually though.

 

Most of her issues were the fact that we didn't do enough together so she thought I viewed her as unimportant. The truth is, logistically it's not possible. She and I both work as chefs in the restaurant industry with conflicting schedules. She goes in early, I go in late. We had no days off together. So it was things here and there before or after work, and we made the best of it. My financial situation wouldn't allow me to take time off; but I'm clearing all that up now, especially since no money goes toward alcohol. I was finally making some really positive, life-changing decisions which would allow me to have more free time and energy, not just for myself but for her as well. I broke down one night she went silent on me, and told her how much she meant to me and that she scares the crap out of me when she just goes quiet and won't communicate.

 

Here we are again; broken up, but this time I think she's sure there'll be no going back. I just feel like I got the short end; the lesson being just to identify something which won't yield positive results more quickly. But if I could have been more constructive I would have; it was a learning experience. I gave her one final chance to address the real issues with me in our last fight and blatantly said, "What do you WANT?" Didn't really get an answer. She text me two days later, "I love you.."

 

I don't know what else to say; you guys have any thoughts?

[Ms Darcy]

When you are away from someone, it's very easy to forget how the way they act makes you FEEL. When you see and interact with them again, all the old triggers appear and - especially in on and off relationships - the break up happens again.

 

I would advise you to miss her. Miss her and miss her and move on. If you are interested in trying again, so be it. But for now take the lessons you have learned and move forward.