10 Months apart and still want ex back!!

[lct300]

Hi... I have been visiting this site for the last couple of months and have followed the great advice that has been given... It has been 10 months since my ex and I split up and I miss him like crazy!! He broke up with me because I caught him cheating... At first I did the begging, crying, and pleading but that got me nowhere with him... But then I decided to start the NC rule... That is when he would contact me over the stupidist things...

 

Well the last time I saw him in person was in August and that is when he asked me to watch our cat so his apartment could be painted... Over the next 4 months I only heard from him 3 times, needless to say I still have our cat... I still love him and miss him and I know he still loves me too but I just don't know what to do... Everyone thinks that he is scum and I should move on but I still love him... What should I do??

[DragonGirl724]

why would u want him back after hes been treating you like dirt??? there is NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING! have self respect hun you need to see this. whats stopping him from doing this again? dont beg for a cheater. i know its hard to move on but think about the immediate pain it brought to you when you found out he IS HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE HAVING SEX WITH YOU. if i were you i would keep that in my mind whenever i see him. id never do him any favors. teach this guy a lesson! dont allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. you are a human being & deserve a faithful man.

 

the trust you once had is forever tainted. he did the ultimate worst thing that can be done in a commited relationship. im sorry but he obviously doesnt love you as you love him. feel sorry for the next girl hes going to hurt. but please dont allow that next girl to be you.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

correct me if im wrong, but i dont think i am...but i feel a lot of people think they are IN LOVE with someone who did them wrong...COULD IT BE that you are in love w/ how things used to be...youre in love w/ being in love. you love the way things 'used to be' your perception of him is way off. he isnt a gentleman deserving of your love. he is a cheater & you found out for yourself. the only love you should concern yourself with right now is the love you have FOR YOURSELF. FIRST & FOREMOST.

 

-DG724

[HajiMaji]

Im sorry to hear about your situation!! Im tellin ya, getting my heart broken was the hardest thing ive ever had to get through in my life. Its a curse i tell ya, all the "good" people in the relationships are the ones who end up hurt. You were cheated on and YOU begged him to take you back. Theres more goin on there then forgiveness, but i totally understand because i wanted to be with a woman for a long time who i "forgave" but wouldnt return my calls. I think you might have to break some of that attachment. Not that i think its bad to have developed that attachment, i think you might just have to start breaking it down. I think its important to develop that closeness and desire for your lover and its super hard to undue that attachment (at least for me

 

I realize you may not think in the same terms as me but heres how i would try to look at it.

 

Loving someone involves making a choice to put your energy, time, and future plans into another person. If you decided to take your time and energy away from that person you would be betraying your commitment and your love. You want to be there through thick and thing right? That can explain a little bit as to why you are still attached to this guy (and why you miss him). Since you loved him and made that choice to commit yourself to him you want to stand by him even when he hurts you (or cheats on you).

 

Use your logical side of your brain to understand that this is the nature of love. With that same logic realize he is not going to make a good partner. The only reason why he would be a "good" romantic partner is because you are attached to him.

 

Pretend you read a post on enotalone about some dude cheating on some girl and leaving his smelly cat at her place. Would you be thinking to yourself, "Man, i wonder what that dudes phone number is.. He sounds like boyfriend material!"? Probably not, cause probably this dude isnt that great. I know you feel hes amazing now and its very hard to realize who this guy *really* is, but employ a bit of logic here (which is hard for me to do and i go to school for computer programming!) and try to come out a little wiser and more in control.

[fantasia2004]

he cheated on you plus he is with someone else? why want him back?

 

send him away on a long journey. you deserve better.

[DragonGirl724]

great advice! yea def put yourself on the outside & view this situation as we are seeing it as. given we dont have the emotional weight or should i say BURDEN that comes with actually BEING IN this mess but just try to see it in a strictly logical point of view..

 

and i totally agree that when in a relationship there should be 100% UNCONDITIONAL LOVE-love still remains under any & every condition. BUT THE KEY TO THIS IS THAT IT MUST BE A 2-WAY STREET IN ORDER TO WORK! one can not give unconditional, forgiving, pure love when they are being used as a doormat that their ex is stepping on & wiping their feet all over! his love for you is nonexistant & the trust issue like i said before has been tainted with big time! its time to begin the detachment process as HajiMaji said. PUT YOURSELF FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF LIKE YOU "LOVE HIM". *I DARE YOU*

 

the first thing that you think of in the morning & the last thing you think of at night & every minute inbetween shouldnt be OF HIM! it should be:

 

"today is another day i am happy being single. i am no longer anyone's doormat, i am stronger than before & each day my skin will grow a little thicker & i will get through anything that comes my way!"

 

love yourself & others will soon follow. once you put yourself on the pedestal you once had him on you will see the world from a new stand point, and you will ABSOLUTLY LOVE THE VIEW FROM UP THERE!

 

-DG724

[skynet74]

youre in love w/ being in love. you love the way things 'used to be

 

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That's the problem when people split. They often remember how their EX used to be. This is why it's so hard to get over them sometimes. I have the same problem. I Love my Ex for the Beautiful person she once was...... but I absolutely hate the person she turned into. If I could just forget about all the good times and remember the Bad instead..... it would have made it a lot easier to get over her.

 

I think this is what happens when they decide to break up with us. Something in their brain makes them Do the opposite. They are able to hold onto the bad instead of the good. So it's easier for them to say Goodbye. I think as times goes on they start to think of the good a little more. This is why they sometimes try to come back to us.

 

 

 

John

[lct300]

Thanks for the advice!! I do think about what he has done to me and it makes me so mad because I swore I would never let a guy do this to me... I think part of the problem is because I never saw this coming, we were so happy and talking marriage, we have liked each other for almost 10 years but we finally got together 2 1/2years ago and I thought our relationship was great, we hardly ever fought we got along just fine... that is what hurts me the most, I wish I could have seen this coming but instead I was blindsided. But even though he cheated, I still love him... But I know deep down I do deserve better.

[HajiMaji]

Man, lct300, i feel ya. Im sure it was good for a while, im sure it was AMAZING actually. Love is amazing ya know? Its so frusterating to think about how good things were, and how they are now. Its sad to think about the potential you all had, which is now gone.

 

I got this new thoery that love is like doing something really hard, like lifting say a car over your head. You and your partner lift that bad boy up and you both are feelin really good about it. You figure out a system that can keep that car up forever. You guys are all gitty because you are doing something as hard as lifting a car above your heads and you know it wouldnt be possible to accomplish that on your own. Eventually someones arms begin to shake and they realize they cant keep the car up so they jump out from under it really quick letting it fall on your body alone. His arms got weak and he cheated, so he jumped out real quick and the car landed on you.. It sucks.

 

But i really believe love is impossible if both people dont REALLY want to make it happen. I mean you dont gotta be obsessive freaks about it you just have to have the relationship as a top - if not the tope - priority. Of course lots of people will be fail at being able to hold their own in a relationship. It sucks, and thats at the root of heartbreak but at least you didnt marry a dude who cant hold thier own when stuff gets hard.

 

I like to think my future wife will have the attitude that when things get rough shed take them head on! I think thats a good quality for anyone to have in a relationship, and this dude doesnt have that.

 

Hey, most importantly good luck with getting over this guy. Its super super hard. I really think you can do it too, its just gonna suck for a while.

 

Stupid relationships...i dont know why anyone participates in these things!