4 days post break up, 2 days NC

[Perfect Life]

California has been in a serious drought. Today, the rain arrived. My heart feels like crying, but I am not able to cry anymore. The shock has sunk in and I still can't bring myself to terms with it. All the plans, our future, everything, is gone. Feels like someone slammed the door in my face and left me alone in a dark room for the past 4 days. I cry still when I think of all the things we wanted to do. Today, I am sending him the things I have that I know he will need. Key to his truck, house, mailbox, his military uniform. No note enclosed. I cant bring myself to tell him how I feel as I know it wont make a difference. Luckily I have been planning my daughter's bday party, and get a bit of a distraction. But not much. This laptop has become my more precious possession. I tell it everything I can't tell him. I know he wont be back, family, friends say give him time, he'll realize how much he loves you and be back. But I know him. He's gone. I wont hold on to false hope. I'm very slowly working on getting past this.

[mhowe]

Just keep pouring it out on paper/computer. I did this during my break up and it allowed me to vent, argue and scream. So I could get on with life.

[Perfect Life]

Funny you say scream. I too have done this in the car. I just drive aimlessly and cry and yell. I forget how I got to a certain intersection and don't have any specific destination. But the "WHY!?" hasn't disappeared yet. I have seen his posts on a website we both enjoy and it all seems normal. I get mad when I see others laughing and living life as normal, while I'm internally devastated. I have felt like a bad person for being bothered by others happiness and I realize its just my way of coping. 595 days in my past, and I wasn't ready for it there to be an end. There was no reason to end. I think that's one of the worst parts, that we really had a good, strong relationship.

[mhowe]

It will take a while for your brain to stop asking "why".

 

Weird thing about life ---- sometimes we just have to accept the things we cannot change.

[Perfect Life]

Today is harder than yesterday. Yesterday I felt a bit of progress. Today emotions are rambled. I want to contact, but I wont. Its not healthy for me right now. There was no closure, I still feel like I need answers. I will continue to post here just to let it out. Even if no one replies. It's for my own therapeutic needs.

[mhowe]

The first few weeks are a swirl of hate/love/anger/sadness ---- no rhyme nor reason.

 

Vent away.

[Perfect Life]

Thing is that I'm not mad, nor hate him. I know it's still kind of new and maybe that will come later. But he was perfect to me and my kids. He treated us as his family. He tucked the kids in at night, helped with homework, cooked us dinner, picked them up from school...I mean, everything. We had a family. It's as though we gave him a sense of belonging. And he did belong. I even miss his crazy, energetic dog. He was so engraved in our lives. How to etch that out? I cant even imagine telling the kids.

[mhowe]

Give it time ---- the kids are also used to him being away for a spell.

 

Find your core first.

[Perfect Life]

mhowe, I don't know you personally, but you really have a gift. I've been able to not go completely crazy bc of some of the advice you give. I can't thank you enough!

I thought I had my core, now I need to find a new one. I need to create a new me. One day is good, the next might be a step back in this healing process, but I know I have to keep picking myself up. I thought there was no me without him. Now I need to make one. I've always considered myself to be strong, but now I'm not so sure. I shake it off in front of my children. My preteen daughter will not see me distraught. She has everything to learn about heart break, but she knows what true love is thanks to the relationship she witnessed between me and this man. We gave her a great example of support, love, commitment, and structure. I will provide all this on my own now. But we will get there.

[mhowe]

You (I) will (did) come out of the fire stronger for the forging.

 

The universe sometimes gives the gift of love in order to open your heart.

 

You seem a very strong person --- and you are showing this now to your daughter.

[Perfect Life]

I broke NC. I called him today. I felt weak when typing his number in on the phone but figured I had come this far, might as well. Well, the conversation went well, despite I was sobbing. I got a few answers I needed and I got a feel for how he is dealing with it. I know I shouldn't care how he is doing, but I do. He is a very important part of my life still and I care how he is dealing with it all too, for not only did I lose someone, he did too. I let him know how I have been feeling about him/ I moving on and one day finding someone new. Told him that I cant stand to think that someday he might love and touch someone how he has me. I'm not going to say it was easy to pour my heart out and look so weak, but I had to and I'm glad I did. I got a lot out, a lot that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about. It felt good.

[Perfect Life]

After speaking to him yesterday, I felt a bit better. But I know it was because I had hope. Asking him if there was a chance and him saying "Maybe" was all I could remember of our 30 minute conversation. However, because I feared that I needed to get my mind back in breakup mode, I again made contact today. I let him know that our talk left me wondering about our future and that one day it might happen for us. But I didn't want to talk myself into something that might never happen. I asked for clarity. He responded. I still feel the same, I don't see us getting back together. So, once again, here I am. Although I feel like I'm handling it a bit better than I was a week ago, I'm still going to feel this pain. I still feel his body belong to me and for my desires. History has taught me to be suspicious of everyone. Finally, I give in and did more for this relationship then I ever imagined. I REALLY LOVED loving him. I asked if I ever loved too much, maybe I was too clingy and he said, "for me you didn't love too much. You never seemed jealous. It was never over the top. I loved the reassurance you gave me. You did nothing wrong with the way you cared about me." I can take away that the fault was not mine. I've been feeling like maybe something I had done had scared him off, but this is not the case.

 

So today, I say, Heart break hurts more when you know you had what you struggled so many years to find.

[Perfect Life]

All I can do right now is wish you well and support your decision. I am in such immense emotional pain, but I will no longer let you know that. You wont see it from me. My friends and family will help and my kids will always be my rocks. From this day forward I will focus on me and my children. Yes, I will still cry, yes, I will still miss you terribly. But, I will no longer wait for you to come back. I have to move on for my sanity. Feeling like I'm going crazy without you is not healthy for me or my kids. You killed my spirit and I will rebuild it slowly. I wont trust, love, share with anyone like I did with you. And that is a valuable lesson. Thank you for all you ever did for us. You were amazing and will never allow my heart to hate you. You are one hell of a man and when you decide to move forward with love, I hope she knows how out of this world lucky she is.

[mhowe]

When my bf and I broke up, I tried to "figure it out"....and after 10 days actually ran into him at a gas station. He was stone cold.

 

While we did eventually get back together, it was because he changed his mind. I didn't call or speak to him again for many months --- almost 4....and we lived a mile apart, not an entire country.

 

You will get through this....it just sucks.

[Perfect Life]

Yes, Ms Howe, I know I will. It actually hurts to know that I wont just run into him at a gas station, even just to see him pass me by. There is no chance of that.

It hit me today, that I counted on him a lot. I put a lot of faith that we would go the whole journey together so I allowed myself to let go of some of the things I would have been responsible for as a single woman. I depended on him to be the rock when I used to have the role. I guess I was glad to hand over the title and now I have to take it back. I ran to him for guidance, support, friendship, among other things. But he took the role and ran with it. He did it all so well, we both worked to keep it positive and smooth. I will have to be either weak by myself or strong by myself. And I refuse to just let this overcome me. Counting on him for strength in several different aspect and depending on help with everything I had to handle on my own for so many years has taught me so much. I learned a lot and continue to learn now that he's gone. I wont allow myself to depend so much on someone else for my own strength. I don't regret any of it. I did more than my best. And so did he. And it worked so well. Only thing is that I saw more than just the "now" I saw my every tomorrow with him and believed in it whole heartedly.

[Perfect Life]

I hate looking at the time and automatically my brain adds 3 hours to the time. Then I wonder what you might be doing. Its hard to wake up another day and it takes everything I have to keep from crying. Most of the time my everything is not enough. You would have been here in two weeks and we were finally going to get to spend some time together.

[JayCho]

Every time you contact or he contacts or you "allow" contact you will feel amazing... for hours... maybe even a day or two - but then that period ends and you will feel worse. It's like drinking. You feel great while drinking, but the next morning there's a hangover. This is why people say to employ NC. You're resetting the clock. It sucks but you should try to avoid ALL contact unless you hear the magic words "I'm an idiot, I made a mistake, I apologize, can we talk about trying again?"

 

Post here instead, let it out, write it down, write a journal, write in a letter on ur computer and NEVER send it. These are all helpful, healthy ways of letting it out without resetting the clock.

[Perfect Life]

Great advice, I will. I hate letting go of such a good thing. There was no need for the break up. My best friend messaged him yesterday, because she felt like he was such an important part of all our lives, she also wanted the chance to say goodbye and make sure he was ok. Well, it turned in to a deep conversation and he told her that he had to end it because he felt he wasn't giving us 100% of himself. He didn't want to only be around on holidays and 3 days weekends. He wanted to be able to dedicate all of his time to us and he couldn't right now. So she said that having happiness and love, even if from the other side of the country, meant more to me than an "always around, going no where kind of relationship." He felt like he was opening up the door for me to find another person who could give me more of his time. Needless to say, 1) I can not even fathom the thought of investing time with anyone else other than him, 2) my children know him, they trust him, they count on him to be there for them with any issue, and 3) I will not find a connection like he and I had. The trust, respect, support, laughter... you get what I'm trying to say. He told her that he is hurting, he has broken down and sobbed. He loves me and misses every thing about us. He said he'd never find anyone who could love and take care of him the way I have. So I know he's messed up right now too. But he is walking away from the best thing he has had. I cant convince him, and I'm not waiting. But I cant move on to the next person. I will focus on me and my children and let life guide me.

I definitely let my wall come down for this one and it was beautiful. I regret nothing. He has reassured me that I loved him perfectly. I'm happy with the way we were and we provided such a beautiful example of love and a functioning home for the kids. He did so much for us and I couldn't hate him. Ever.

I have been posting here a lot. I have to, it helps. So if I annoy anyone with my frequent posts, I'm sorry, but I have to do what works for me.

[JayCho]

You won't annoy anyone.. it sounds like you got some closure so that's great. You're also wise to realize that regardless, you have to move on... for you, for your kids, etc. You will get better, you will find someone better... I look forward to reading about this new relationship in 6-12 months time