You need to love yourself. Well I dont.

[mickyads92]

Well I dont. I have watched so many people come and go. Friends? None in middle school as I was labelled as a "gay" since I was always hanging out with the girls in the class. How ironic right? This carried right through High School as well since most of the same people followed me to High School. College came around, great. Part time job selling auto parts and a brand new campus with thousands of people to meet. Great opportunity right?

 

First lesson learned is that friendships really dont last more than a semester. I assume this wouldnt bother a normal person, but it bothers me. I meet a nice group of people through my work place, but they are still in their late teens and frankly their mindsets dont mesh with mine. Mom and dad paid for their cars, schooling, spending money etc. They complain about how tough life is. I am not saying my life is tough, because frankly I am a pretty lucky individual, but it still annoys me. They call me when they feel like it.

 

I'd be lying to you if I said I wasnt lonely. I can go weeks without getting a single phone call or text. Its been three years since my last relationship ended when my partner was diagnosed with leukemia. The first relationship ended when I discovered her cheating on me over four years ago.

 

Funny story, I finally put myself out there after staying in the dark. I asked out a rather attractive girl that worked at a store at a local mall, just for $hits and giggles. She said yes. We had a great time. Turns out her other job is "Exotic Dancing". That didnt put a damper on my self esteem at all. Normally, someone my age would jump at the opportunity to "get some" from a stripper but my defective little brain didnt pursue. Gave her a hug and said goodnight. That was the end of that.

 

I rarely think about sex. What I do think about is building something with someone that matters. A genuine friendship. I dont want a quick lay. I dont want to get drunk at a party and make out with a stranger. I dont want someone that calls me when they need a favor.

 

I am almost finished with my studies at University. A few months away from graduating. I have an OK job, and a better job promised for my future. Im just not happy. My one genuine friend moved away out of state to pursue her career. I dont hear from her really anymore. Im fine during the day usually. When it starts to get dark, and I am just in bed, that is usually when I have a tough time.

 

I had posted a question about a friend I had recently met. That also just blew up in my face, just now actually! So I am just here. Alone, with the dark thoughts rolling in. My family loves me, hell I have a great family. I dont know. I just feel dead and meaningless. Every friendship I have ever put effort into has just blown up in my face. Maybe I put too much effort in, maybe I care too much.

 

I dont know. I had a break down while I was hanging out with my aforementioned best friend who has since moved out of state. I had never cried in front of anyone before. Years of sadness came flooding out. I felt bad for her as she comforted me the best she could, and she told me I needed to love myself.

 

I dont. I f$%#ing hate myself. I still do. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. Hell I didnt want to wake up today! What is the point of this stupid rat race called life? I want out of it. Im tired. Im just tired.

[GreySkyEyes]

Dear MickeyAds92,

 

Your post sounds so much like my brothers experiences, so I am writing this to both you and him. Firstly, I have to ask you to please please reach out to a professional or call the suicide hotline ( 1-800-273-8255) because you do not have to feel like this. It may be tiring and sad at times, but your life is absolutely worth living. Here's why:

 

You, like my brother, probably do care too much. I think that is a WONDERFUL thing, but it doesn't make the road any easier. This world is full of a lot of apathetic people who toss aside relationships and people like they are nothing, but you are one of the rare ones who actually cares about other people and wants real connections. Real connections are hard to find, so it isn't surprising that you feel lonely...the superficial and fickle nature of most "friendships" and relationships isn't enough for you. That is a testament to your character and something that you should be proud of. There are other outliers like you who are looking for the same thing, and I have faith that you'll connect with them eventually. You're going to have to wade through a storm of rejection and lifeless friendships but eventually you'll find your people. Hell, there might even be someone in your life now or from the past who will become a great friend. Thats one of the best things about the revolving doors of life...people are always leaving you, but there's always hope of something new.

 

You can find that, but you have to love or at least accept yourself first. It sounds like you don't like yourself right now, and I know what thats like. The great thing is, you can change that. You can mold yourself into a new version of yourself (through therapy perhaps, or even by personal reflection and goal setting), but better yet you can learn to accept the current version of yourself. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, good family, at least one close friend, a nearly finished degree, and a job! I know from experience that the fog of depression can make it hard to see, but try to give the positive aspects of your life as much focus as you give the negative.

 

I'm sorry for the long post...I just wanted to say to you the things I hope someone says to my brother and the things I wish i'd known back when I thought I hated myself. If this helped at all or you just want to talk anonymously please feel free to message me any time (i'll try to check my inbox more frequently). Best of luck OP! There are good people out there, I promise

[mickyads92]

Ive tried to bring up my issue with family...when I say I am depressed their response is "why? you have no reason to be" So I do not really open up with them anymore. I get up every morning and slap the most generic artificial smile on that I can muster up and go on my way whether it be to school or work. The people that I see have no idea how miserable I am on the inside, in fact I am convinced most people think I am a really happy go lucky person.

 

Having no one to confide in is what really gets to me. Pretending everything is okay drains a lot of energy out of me too. Recently I lost what I was hoping to be a good friendship. Like anyone, she had some issues and I was so wrapped up in helping her that I was unaware of my actions and it all fell apart. Back to square one. Alone. I feel horrible losing someone to confide in.

 

GreySkyEyes, I appreciate your response, and wasnt expecting anything to come of my posting. Ive tried professional help, but even they cant seem to see through my facade. I dont open up unless there is a deep connection. Something I havent experienced since my friend moved away.

 

I used to love music. I used to be able to play the Ukelele, Guitar, and Piano. If you sat me down with any of those instruments I couldnt even muster a chord. My brain is mush. I have no drive. Nothing makes me happy. I cant even fool myself into being happy. Music used to be an escape for me but now its just meaningless. Im at a loss.