I'd like some advice and maybe an ear to listen...

[Holmes]

Hi. So I've been on this site on and off for years. I've always seemed to have issues with depression and anxiety... however I figured that I would eventually grow out of any sort of issues as I became an adult.

This last month, my brain has been rapidly getting harder and harder to live in, so those of you who want to help, please don't be discouraged by my rambling or non-sequitur thoughts. I am going to try and convey what's going on to the best of my ability.

 

Lately I feel like my brain is chaos. I can barely think. I have more trouble explaining myself or talking to people than ever. It's a vicious cycle because I'm aware of this and it's causing me huge amounts of distress.

It feels like all of my thoughts are racing, I get lightheaded and dizzy, nauseous, neurotic. One day I'll wake up and feel totally fine. Then later that day, something will happen like somebody will look at me the wrong way or say something and I'll start obsessing about it. I start to think they don't like me, that they hate me. That everyone hates me. That everything is stupid. I hate everything. I start to consider suicide and not because I want to end everything but just because I'll be so disappointed with everything around me that I feel like my existence is insignificant and my demise would be unmissed. I have to leave the floor at work (I work at a cafe) to cry in the bathroom, hug myself, breath heavily. I talk to myself in the mirror because I suddenly start imagining I'm somewhere else, like I'm not even in my body anymore. These aren't full-blown delusions, I'm aware of the reality that I'm in my works bathroom. But I'll get so caught up in trying to think about what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling that I'll try and talk it out without realizing and suddenly, I'm aware that I'm standing in the bathroom mirror, talking to my reflection and crying.

 

There's a snap. I'm back to reality. I feel stupid. I wipe my tears and get back on the floor.

Then I get distracted with work until the next subtle trigger. I feel like I'm constantly trapped within my own mind. I'm so active in there, I think a lot, but things don't piece together or connect. I move and do things out of motor memory, and when I make a mistake or am clumsy, It's like I'm a spectator and I can't actually control my body anymore.

 

Then there are the weird compulsions that sometimes appear. Along with my moments of instability mentioned above, I suddenly develop really intense aversions or compulsions. We have a chalk board at work. I've always hated the feeling of chalk but when I'm in one of my moments, I will be physically sick if I touch chalk or come into contact with something that did. Today I grabbed a rag to wipe my hands, only to realize that it was covered in chalk. I ran to the bathroom to throw up and obsessively scubbed my hands. I couldn't get the feeling off of my hand. But the weird thing is that this is only a symptom I experience when I'm having that sort of mood. Otherwise, I still don't like to touch chalk, but it won't give me such an intense reaction.

 

When I'm experiencing these moods, I find there's a huge change to my personality, though nobody has ever pointed it out. My voice gets higher, I become timid when I like to think I'm on average pretty confident and upbeat. I suddenly develop these neurotic obsessions. I talk to myself. I can't get out of my head. I don't look at anybody in the eye.

 

I'm realizing I also have a very destructive guilt complex. I think that everything is my fault and apologize for things I shouldn't, like talking to somebody. it's so bad, that I feel like I'm burdening anybody who's close to me by talking about my feelings. This leads to me just bottling it up, but most of the time I convince myself it's okay because it's better if people don't see this side of me. They wouldn't want to hang out with me or talk to me. They would think I'm weird.

 

I can't hang on to any goals, dreams. I go a couple of days with a really intense idea, obsessions, fascination. I suddenly think that I should be a neuroscientist, so I devote days to figuring out how to go to school for it. Then something happens and click, I don't care. I suddenly have zero interest. So instead, I just sit and obsess over how pathetic and ty my life is, how I'm not amounting to anything. How I should just die. I take everything personally. Everybody hates me.

 

And then, for a brief moment. I'm happy. Things are good. My life isn't so bad. I tell myself the bout of depression is over, I'm cured! I can move on! Yay!

... surely, like clockwork, I eventually fall into the same pattern.

 

These convoluted, obsessive, unhappy, up and down thoughts wouldn't be so concerning if this wasn't a day-to-day occurrence. By that I mean I have these super extremes multiple times in the same day. It's very stressful and distressing, especially because I can't talk to anybody about it. I'm convinced nobody wants to know about my problems.

It's getting worse and worse and now I'm barely able to maintain any eloquence when speaking because so many thoughts are jumping out at once. I get distracted in my own conversations, never really reaching a point. Forgetting the point. Then just getting embarrassed and apologizing for being an idiot and laughing awkwardly.

 

I don't know what to do. My brain isn't working right. Please help me, some advice would be great. I don't have a family doctor, I don't even know how somebody finds a psychologist. I live in Canada, Ontario. Maybe some residents of the area could help? There are walk-in clinics and hospitals. Where do I go?

[IvanTheTerribl]

Well I may not be from Canada but I can certainly relate to much of the aspects of depression and anxiety that you refer. It sounds to me like you have much more going on as well. Granted, I'm no kind of psychologist but you may have bipolar disorder or manic depressive disorder. You should see a psychologist or at the very least, a doctor. You say there are walk-in clinics? Why not try walking in to one? Seriously, even if someone there isn't qualified to help you I'm sure that can point you in the proper direction. Have you tried going to Google and searching "psychologist" or "counseling" or "therapy" in Ontario? There must be someone in the area.

 

More importantly, it's good that you're self-aware of the issues you're facing and I'm glad you've come here. None of us are born perfect and everyone faces some type of inner battle. It's important to have the strength to accept what you can't conquer with in and ask for help. Remember also that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know the overwhelming feelings in those fleeting moments but you have to tell yourself there's always a reason to hold on. You might perceive the world as full of people who don't care about you and don't want to be burdened with your problems but that's simply not the case. It's your own mind working against itself. Don't listen, but rather reach out and find the people who want to help.