Conversation skills are shot

[floridasfinest]

Of the girls in the past I have been close with, each one has always expressed a good amount of interest in me. My last girlfriend was absolutely obsessed with me (in the early years of our relationship). Some wanted to still talk to me even if they had a new boyfriend, others just became extremely clingy. It seems I have no problem keeping girls once I meet them.

 

Now I have a problem...I can't even meet/talk to women. If some of them got to know me better I am sure they would like me. But ever since my breakup a while ago I simply have no willpower to walk up to an attractive woman and say hello. I used to be able to...I could walk up to a cute girl, introduce myself and begin talking to her, but after my last relationship ended in May my confidence is shot. I just freeze up now...even if a cute girl strikes up a conversation with me.

 

A few weeks ago a very cute girl just came up to me and started talking, and I literally almost didnt respond...it was like she was talking but my brain didn't even register what she said and I found myself unable to speak. I have no clue what has happened to my conversation skills with women. Cute girl at the cash register who eyeballs me every time I walk into the store asks me if I have any plans this weekend...all I can say is "umm...i dont know yet actually" and look down to punch in my debit pin like Im rushing home to feed a starving child.

 

Has this ever happened to anybody after a breakup? I know it has something to do with it...I'm not exactly ready to start a new LTR yet, but it would be nice to actually be able to talk to women.

[SophieGrace]

It sounds like you are having some self-esteem issues. If you didn't actually want to talk to women, I'd guess you still weren't healed from the break-up, but you say your "confidence is shot" which makes me think you aren't feeling good about yourself on some level. What are the messages you tell yourself throughout the day? Are they negative and judgmental? We can all be our own worst critics, but it sounds like yours are stopping you from moving forward and connecting with women.

 

I don't think what you are experiencing is dire or abnormal by any means, but I don't know that there is a magic quick-fix solution or insight where you will be your old self tomorrow -- such as looking in the mirror and saying five nice things to yourself a day, or stopping yourself when you notice you are being mean to yourself with a simple word like "deflect" or reminding yourself that time heals all wounds. While these things can help, changing how you carry yourself in the world is a process that involves re-grooving a new pattern, like committing to a plan of exercise or learning how to eat healthy. Have you ever considered therapy? It can be immensely helpful when it comes to getting to the root of what is going on and coming up with a game plan to enact change.

[floridasfinest]

I actually try to keep positive throughout the day...my friends and I have a good time, we laugh, joke, etc...but when an attractive woman comes near I psych myself out. I suppose I am fairly judgemental of myself.

 

Anyways, than you for the advice

[MonWedFri]

At a certain point, you have to be emotionally ready enough to be interested in others. When your heart is light and free, then you'll see when you meet the right girl then the instinct and natural connections will click into place.

 

That's my theory at least. I am experiencing something similar myself. I am not the type of guy (so far, at least) who goes up to girls and tries to have a chat that'll lead to something. So far in my life, my (recent) ex-girlfriend is the only one who can bring out "the fire and desire" in me. She is the one who sparks something in me enough to go on a chase. So I guess I'd have to spend more time getting over my past love first. In the meantime, any talking I do to girls would probably just be practice. But even with practice...sometimes your heart actually needs to be in it.