Should I break up with her? Help please.

[Annon1001]

So the question is 'Do I break it off with her?' but there is extenuating circumstances so I'm interested to hear what people would do if in my situation, or what they feel is the right thing to do. Here is the situation in brief:

 

I'm working out in Indonesia and get Typhoid, and now I am having difficulty recovering, we are talking about 6 months and counting of feeling fatigued every day, long spells of insomnia, not being able to work as I don't have the energy. It seems to be slowly getting better I think/hope... I would be well enough to return to work in a few months. Except...

 

I really don't see myself living the Expat lifestyle out here. I feel isolated and miss my family a lot. Not to mention everyday normality. So I'm planning a career change and am currently retraining before heading home. It's going to take about 5 months to complete all the online courses I'm doing. My plan is to complete these and return home to start a new career hopefully feeling much better. If it doesn't work out, to go back to my old job, which I really didn't like and had problems keeping as it was so boring. This career change in itself is causing a fair amount of anxiety.

 

I'm lonely out here. I mean since I quit my job due to the illness I don't know anyone. Except I met a girl who has been so kind to me, looking after me: cooking and cleaning, massaging my aching body and has since moved in with me due to her losing her job for a while, helping to share the cost of living here. In hindsight, I should have kept things as just friends but she was very keen to take things further, so I kind of fell into a relationship with her. That said, we do get on well and I enjoy being with her. And really appreciate having a companion and someone to help me out.

 

BUT... I don't find her physically attractive. At the risk of being superficial I don't find Asian girls that attractive anyway and she is overweight. Her body just doesn't turn me on at all.

 

We've discussed it and after quite a lot of tension and her feeling upset, she is losing some weight. All be it slowly, she has lost 2kg and has another 8kg to go to achieve her target weight. I'm not putting pressure on her but she says she's happy to do it.

 

On top of all this if we are to stay together, I've got to consider marriage with her in a few months so she can come with me back to the UK. I'm not totally against the idea of marriage as I'm 38 now, and wouldn't mind settling down soon to start a family.

She knows all this as we've discussed it. She gets (understandably) upset when I tell her I may go home alone but tells me she will cope and that rather than split up with me now, she will stay and help look after me.

 

I'm also not totally sure about her intension/feelings towards me. Indonesian’s have a hard time financially usually even if they are educated like she is. Her previous boyfriend was Western and I kind of get the impression she dreams of a better life in the West, which may explain the reason she is so keen to be with me long-term after only knowing me a few months.

 

I'm feeling totally stressed out by it all. How did my life get so complicated!

 

If anyone has any advice then do please let me know.

[aw4919]

There's more to love than physical attraction. You have to figure we all get old and lose our looks at some point. And in my opinion, you could do a lot worse in a marriage than someone who takes care of you. What it really comes down to is whether you'll be happy with a lifelong commitment to this person. I don't know, the more I learn about life, the less I care about toe curling passion and the more I care about mutual respect and conversation. Does she uplift you if you've had a hard day? Does she stimulate your thought? Make you want to be a better person? Those questiosn aren't about if she makes the attempt, it's about if she succeeds. If the answer is yes, you might find yourself giving up a solid partnership that will be hard to replace. On the other hand, there are many people who would not be satisfied being committed to someone they didn't find attractive, so it's really about if you can handle that or not. It doesn't make you a bad person to admit that you can't, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

[Iggles]

You're not attracted to her. Do not marry her.

 

I understand the rationale behind not picking a partner based on passion/chemistry/lust alone. However, the three components you need for a successful marriage is shared value, shared goals, AND physical attraction. If you're missing one it's not sustainable.

 

I would say since she's aware of how you feel, keep dating until you need to leave. If it stresses you out too much, then end the relationship now. Either way, do not bring someone you feel lukewarm about back to the UK with you as your wife. That's a disaster in the making because once she's there she won't want to leave, and your life can really get complicated..

[aw4919]

I knew my view on it wouldn't be the popular vote, but I think that's why I chose to say anything at all.. to make the responses more well rounded, give more to consider. Love can sometimes breed attraction, like small cute gestures or expressions that only come out after a person is comfortable with their partner- and I guess it depends on how unappealing he finds her- like whether or not the weight loss is making a considerable difference. Just personally, I care so much about coming home to someone endlessly faithful who brightens my day that how they look is at the very bottom of my priorities. I'm not suggesting that anyone marry if they are at all uncomfortable with the idea, but if the urge to start a family soon is strong, a good partner who you work well with has a lot of value considering that someone who ticks every single box is uncommon for anyone.

 

Granted, I did miss the part that said its only been a few months...