GIRLS DIG THEMSELVES INTO HOLES BY SENDING MIXED SIGNALS.

[acts12]

A friend of mine had this guy that she liked a lot. However, she was really into guarding her heart and wanted the guy to tell her his intentions in the beginning. He didnt state his intentions, but did ask her out on several dates, in which she accepted some of them. She soon began to play a little hard to get, not returning calls, not accepting dates, to try and draw something out of him (intentions), but he soon stopped calling her. He hadnt called her in 3 months after she didnt return his calls, and she began to get frustrated. She then pulled him to the side the other day and told him that she wasnt ever interested and that she had been acting like a jerk to him because she didnt want to give him the wrong signals. She basically told him that she didnt ever like him, when I know that she clearly did. I am a guy and am wondering if anyone else knows if girls do this kind of thing often. Why would a girl do this?

[chanceit]

Some girls like to tease

 

Some times people change there minds about someone as they get to know them better.

 

Maybe because the guy wasn't being very clear the girl couldn't be bothered wasting her time trying to figure out weather or not he liked her.

 

If its one think i've learnt about girls in my (short) life they arn't much different to us they don't like being messed about or trying to read cryptic signals...you have to be clear - if you like someone and want something to happen - tell them u like them - don't mess about - i mean whats the worst that can happen.

[sisterlynch]

Not everyone plays these kinds of games, but she must have needed something that she wasn't getting. Other times people say the wrong thing or act cold and heartless, by mistake or without malace of forethought, without thinking it through properly.

 

Sometimes other people are involved in the communication that the guy isn't aware of.

 

Breaking up is hard to do, try it sometime!

[Stinkweed]

Some times people change there minds about someone as they get to know them better.

 

Couldn't agree more...

[Rock_Sean]

I think that there are some people who are just afraid of really getting to know a wide variety of people. She needs people who are just like her to deal with and she didn't like the newness of the situation. It made her feel uncomfortable. Some people have been hurt before and are avoiding getting hurt again.

 

Maybe she didn't know what to say, so she just said "later" and that is her way of dealing with issues that make her uncomfortable.

[Mix Maxster]

I think it's disrespectful to the girl to be honest. To not reveal or intentionally hide what you're trying to do with her. In some forms it's ok to hide it (getting into her pants) because to make it known would possibly freak her out.

 

But let's face it, if you think you can just turn her into your gf or think you can just make a game plan and think you can control a girl or even make it seem like you can play her like a fool then she's not going to respect it and will throw you aside. That's how I've seen things done, and let's face it. The ones who try to influence girls into liking them fail, yet the ones who don't trick them and don't put expectations on a beginning relationship until it unfolds and be alright if it doesn't work out.

 

None of this trying to look good in their eyes, that's for them to decide not you.

[traz]

wow...I'm VERY VERY surprised that people are talking about how the guy needs to be clear about his intentions.

 

Yes, as a general statement, thats true of course. But given the context of the story... come on.

 

If a guy asks you on several dates, he's interested, and he likes you. It's very simple, and you can't get much clearer. The guy cannot be blamed if that's the case.

 

It sounds to me like the girl was just being spiteful because the guy decided to NOT play her games, and to NOT chase her. Kudos to him.

[koolaidnovel]

I don't understand why...but I know that sometimes girls are more attracted to the guy who doesn't seem to care too much about the relationship...as opposed to the obsessive and overly caring one. Why? I have no clue. This girl you're talking about probably was afraid to give away her feelings..in fear of being rejected by this guy because of seeming too "needy". She figured if she played hard to get, she'd get in the picture more easily.

 

Girls are also jealous creatures (you've probably heard that before) because I think we will crave for ultimate attention from a guy, when a guy isn't willing to give all that attention that we want. I myself sometimes want utmost attention from a certain guy when I know he's never going to give it. So yeah...girls playing hard to get is like playing the guys' game...she knows she will get hurt, so she acts like she doesn't care.

[acts12]

Yeah, but if a guy really liked a girl, showed her interest, and she 'played hard to get' I would think, personally speaking here, that the guy would say alright, fine, she's not interested.......NEXT! Most guys just want a straight answer. Either the girl likes him or she doesnt. Once a guy knows this he can make up his mind and either stop wasting his time or get things moving with a relationship with the girl. Girls just make things so much more complicated than they need to be. =; jk

[corvidae]

Well obviously you need to take every situation on its own merits, but I do find that men tend to be more straightforward then women. Women often like to play games, they also like the men to reveal their feelings first. I, for one, refuse to play the hard to get games. If someone is attracted to me I expect them to be open about it. If someone wants to go out with me I expect them to say yes if I ask. I will not ask twice. A lot of women don't understand that. For some reason, many women think that they have to feign disinterest and make the man 'work' for them. As men we can change this by not playing along.

[doorik]

The Girl you write about is def dumb - unfortunately the scenerio you decribed occurs often.

[69_king]

If someone asks you out on multiple dates then are their intentions not clear??

 

There are 3 possible intentions:

 

1) They want to get into your pants. (If they haven't achieved this within a couple of dates then they are probably going to stop trying or they will force themnselves on you in which case their intentions are quite clear. But in any case this will be clear within a couple of dates)

 

2) They just want to be friends. (Like, come on, how many people just want to be friends and never go any farther. I don't think this one applies too often)

 

3) They want to go out with you a few times, get to know you and if you 'click' then hopefully get into a more serious relationship (and get into your pants). If you have been going on multiple dates then it is pretty clear that this is the true intention.

 

 

At least when I am dating it seems pretty obvious to me that both of our intentions are #3. Although, I haven't gotten to the click stage in nearly 5 years. Is it possible the girls need to know what my intentions are? Am I assuming too much??

 

But I agree that the girl in the original post was dumb to flat out say to the guy that she wasn't interested. That only works in movies.

[AllTheMoonLong]

Here's my take on this... I think it's tempting to generalize (eg: girls send mixed messages,

blondes have more fun, etc) but I know just as many guys who play the field as women.

In other words, I think both men and women have fear of being rejected, misunderstood,

and both/either (you choose) alone forever, or smothered in a relationship.

 

The useful conversation, instead, seems to me to be along the lines of what

corvidae is saying: "How do we avoid playing games with each other?"

No "hard to get" -- everything up front and clear.

 

Here's an example: I was interested in a woman I know from dance

class -- we did stuff together "as friends" we spent time together, and I found

that whenever she needed something done at her apartment, or felt lonely, she

would call. I really cared about her, and so I would respond. She would act totally like

she wanted a relationship, sending all the signals we've discussed. Then, once

we had done what she wanted (gone to the opera, or fixed her sink, or whatever)

radio silence. It sucked -- but I kept at it because I didn't have the courage to just

ask "what do you REALLY want?" or say what I really wanted. Why? She's afraid

of a relationship, and (she says) "didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying that all

she wanted was to be friends" and I was afraid of NOT having a relationship.

So we played the game instead. I sent mixed messages too -- ie, "be more than

a friend to me" and "sure, we can do just as friends" because

I didn't want to face the truth. Instead I was always trying to decode the signs of

her behavior, instead of just asking her. It went on for agonizing months.

 

Face it, rejection hurts, and so we do all kinds of idiotic things to avoid that pain.

It feels like that third grade "do you like me? check yes or no" note-passing game.

Sure, flirting is fun. Sure, having things in that delicious, exciting, sexy state of

limbo for a while is great. But life is too short to do what I did... until the pain of

"not knowing" got larger than the anticipated pain of rejection I was stuck.

 

I'm new to this forum, and a lot of what I am reading of it seems to be folks bouncing

back and forth in that does-he/she-or-doesn't-he/she agony. That's a painful game.

I know... I played too many of them...

 

OK, off my soapbox and back to your regularly scheduled discussions....

[corvidae]

Very sensible Allthemoonlong. People often play games to protect themselves. People also play games to feel wanted or desirable, and sometimes to have power over others. It's complicated...people are complicated! But, unless you're young and don't know any better, then you ought to be able to communicate. If you can't communicate from the start then you won't even know each other, all you will see is the masks the other person wears to play.

[Strandysmommy]

I think she pulled him aside and chewed him out because she felt hurt and rejected (her fault, totally) so I think she tried to over compensate for the hurt by being rude and telling him she was never interested and all that.

 

She was upset because her plan backfired, and she got burned. Lesson learned, hopefully.

[acts12]

There is nothing better than watching a fool in their game and then watching the foolish plan backfire on them as they always do.