Thought this was going to be easier

[Princess777]

Well I am having a really, really rough night. I was afraid of this. I asked my husband to leave (as I'd indicated in my last post - long history of emotional abuse) and even though he agreed to move out, he keeps saying he doesn't want to leave. Well, he has been gone for a few days to deal with everything before totally moving everything and I am just very, very weak right now. I've called him several times tonight and I know I shouldn't have. It's SO HARD to be without him on this New Year's even though things will never work with us.

 

I know I've got to remain strong and focused on the goal of divorce but I am really, really missing him badly. All I keep thinking about is being in his arms.

 

I keep telling myself that it's just a phase, it will pass, but I seriously thought I was strong enough to handle this. I also keep telling myself that anyone would naturally be feeling sad, it's my husband for God's sake, and even though we'll never work doesn't mean I can't still have feelings for him.

 

I hope I can make it through this night without him.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

Hey, You'll make it through the night, Break ups are hard. I still haven't gotten over my ex entirely even though i had 5 months already. Its really hard around the new year. Its hard to lose someone you love like that. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that emotional abuse. You have to work on what will make you happy, and your husband needs to change in order for a relationship to work. Emotional abuse is very common and many don't relize what is going on. You relize what is going on and you have to make yourself happy and not put your self through the pain that it will cause you. This is your chance to be happy. The longer you are around your husband the worse things are going to be and you will only bring more pain and sorrow upon you. It hurts now, but think of the road ahead. It should also help your husband too. Its time he wakes up and sees that you aren't going to put up with his abuse much longer. It will show him that no one will and he is only harming himself by being abusive. Continue looking toward the road ahead and the happiniess you will see in the future a way from the abuse. No one deserves to be treated like that. It took a lot of strength to finnally stand up to him. I happy that you did it. I know its hard but emotional abuse is very serious and wrong. YOu can't let this go on though. It is important to keep that strength so that this doesn't continue. Stay strong!!! Good luck to you!

[a.d.c.]

Well you're certainly not the only one alone on New Years. I'm going through the same thing except in my case it's my ex-girlfriend. I'm sad because eventhough we're doing NC at my request, I know that when 12:00 Central time hit we were both thinking about each other. It's one of those things that I know both me and her are feeling at the same time. I wish I could call her. In due time but not now. I had told her not to call me for Christmas or New Years and she didn't. I knew that as bad as it would feel not to hear from her for the holidays, that it would be worse to have heard from her. I know we're just not ready yet to resume contact, but in a few weeks perhaps.

 

Anyways just know you're not alone feeling like this. There's many of us.

 

God bless

[Mun]

Awe I know how you feel and don't worry, what you are experiencing is very "normal." You are going to go through alot of emotions before this is over...just hang in there. You're a strong lady with a good head on her shoulders... you will come out the other end of this ok.

 

We are here for you, you know that. Best of luck Princess.

[OceanEyes]

You will make it. Although I don't know what it's like to be coming out of a marriage, I think I do understand what it feels like to be so emotionally low and weak that you feel like you could latch onto him (even though YOU KNOW that more abuse is waiting for you if you let that happen).

 

You're in a position of control now, and I think you're finding that difficult to deal with. Being emotionally abused is tough - I've been there - and it can leave you feeling like you have nothing to fight with anymore. No self-esteem, no courage or passion, etc. It is probably the most lonely and helpless feeling that one can ever experience. The positive? It DOES pass and make you stronger for it.

 

I think you will get through this, perhaps with a lot of support from friends, family, and people here. I've seen your posts here Princess, you're a decent person. Hold onto that and don't let anyone take that away from you.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I hope that you are feeling a lot better than when you wrote your post.

 

I think your husband is realising that you are serious that you are not going to put up with any more rubbish from him. It might be a waking up point for him - it's probably not a good idea to give him another chance but it is an option if you can believe that he can change.

 

When you are in a position where you are emotionally abused, and you rectify the situation, you feel very alone because the person who is controlling you is no longer there. It is very difficult to acknowledge that you no longer have to answer to anyone but yourself.

 

My only advice in the meantime, while you are in betweeen a rock and a hard place, is to do things for you. Go and get a massage, take yourself out and enjoy yourself. Do things that you enjoy instead of doing things that you were never allowed to do before.

 

Good Luck!

[Princess777]

Thank you all very much for your replies. It's the next morning now and I'm still pretty sad but am thinking a little more clearly.

 

I agree that since he is no longer here to answer to, I am feeling like I am somewhat lost and alone. I also agree that I feel like I have nothing left to be strong WITH.... cause I used it all to get him to leave in the first place, which took 2 years.

 

I know it's not better to have him here and be mean to me, but I miss the good times. I'm trying really hard not to fall into the trap of making excuses for him again or thinking that possibly it would ever work, cause it never will. I miss the closeness we had at the good times and the intimacy we had when things were going well.

 

That's really hard for me right now. Again, thank you so much for the encouragement! I need it badly right now, to stay strong in my decision. I have given him many, many chances and even informed him that they were last chance(s) ... and he still blew it every time.

 

Happy New Year to everyone

[FleX]

Give yourself sometime to rebuild yourself. Never take him back!

[amanda22]

your right, it will pass. i was also upset last night as i was alone and he was spending new years eve with his new gf. and i watched the countdown on tv... 3, 2, 1...happy new year! then, just like that, it was over. a new day has come. it passed, it was over. it made me feel like these feelings wont last forever. so no matter what, the world keeps living and time keeps passing and no, this pain wont last forever. just take it day by day.

[FleX]

Awww.. that's the worst... the thought of my Ex shacking up with someone new or getting high for the new year really disturbes me. I spent my New years @ work. I'm a P/T security guard for a constuction site but I held a party there with friends. The best is having those close to you for the new years. My work didn't know about it so it was all good.

[Foz]

Hi Princess,

 

I know the feeling of missing the closeness you have with a partner, the hugs and the long deep and meaningful chats, remembering the good times does make you think that possibly it might work out!

 

I think it makes things easier if you try focus on their flaws and the problems in the relationship, that makes you feel strong and that you are better off on your own than being with someone who takes you for granted.

 

I think you have tried to make your marriage work and have thought long and hard about your decision to ask him to leave so dont be dissuaded from that.

 

Good Luck and keep us posted..

[Princess777]

Well still no word from him, he's been gone for several days, but a lot of his stuff is still here.

 

He won't answer any of my calls and I haven't spoken with him since New Year's eve. He is trying to get me to want him back by missing him, I know. It hurts me very badly that he is trying to hurt me on purpose. I am appalled that he could be capable of ignoring me for this long. All I want to do is just organize getting his stuff out and he won't even talk to me about it.

 

I hate all this mess, everything is so messed up. I've changed the locks and stuff but he still makes me feel vulnerable. I feel like I've had all my courage stripped from me. Like I have no one to turn to, to tell me that everything's going to be okay. He used to tell me that, then turn around and not come home the next night with no word and just turn his phone off. Sometimes for days. I won't miss that. But I still miss him..... in some sick way.

 

I don't want him back.... I just want to work out the details of the divorce and all. And I want all his stuff out so I don't have to look at it. How can he just ignore me like this... I guess he's trying to "get me back" for the supposed pain I'm putting him through.

 

Thank you again for your replies.

[Princess777]

Also, isn't it weird that even though I know things will never work out if I were to let him stay, I still miss him and I still love him.

 

I never understood that before but I do now. You can love someone very much and not be able to live with them. That's what I'm going through... and it stinks.

[FleX]

It's not sick to miss someone. You genuinely cared for this person even though you don't want them around. Maybe it's the comfort level.

[Princess777]

I really regressed last night. We ended up talking on the phone for nearly an hour and crying our eyes out missing each other. He says he can't live without me. I said the same. He said all he wants to hear is me asking him to come home forever. You have no idea how much I wanted to just say it, however, I sidestepped it but let him know that I am miserable. For what purpose I have no idea. I do not want to hurt him any more, nor do I want him to hurt me.

 

What's wrong with this picture... why is it when we're together he hurts me then when he's not he wants to die, like me..... my best friend would kill me if she knew I told him I still loved him and gave him hopes of getting back together. I have no idea what to do now. I feel very torn. I also feel like everything is so messed up and I can't fix it, no matter if I took him back or if I didn't. I have never been so depressed in my life and I welcome death at the moment. There was a true connection last night, we both knew the other was sincerely hurting without the other. Is that worth anything or is it just desperation?

[FleX]

Can't live with him can't live without him. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement...

[Mun]

To be honest I don't know the story here. How is it that you got to where you guys are now? How exactly did he hurt you? What was going on? and do you think he is sincere?

 

Love

[Foz]

You feel that way because that's all you've known for the last few years. Remember no one likes change, it's just because it's unfamiliar, that's all it is!!!! Don't let the disease of dysfunction (the thoughts that you NEED someone else) get in the way of your recovery. Tell that voice to shut up and keep thinking positively, and get mad at him if you have to, to get through this. You're doing wonderfully. Keep going!!!!

 

You sent me this about 2 months back so i thought it actually might help you now!!

[Princess777]

UPDATE: Well he is totally moved out and we don't talk much anymore, he's only left a couple things here. I haven't filed for divorce yet, I just haven't got around to it but I need to.

 

He really doesn't have a place, he stays with friends and family. He only calls me when he needs something. I am slowly but surely realizing that he used me a LOT. Tonight it's a bad night cause I haven't talked to him in a few days, and I have mixed emotions. I am mad, very mad at him for using me and hurting me and lying to me about everything. I don't have any proof that he has cheated on me but it wouldn't surprise me. I try not to think about that realm.

 

Realizing that the man I stood up at the altar with and made my vows to is CAPABLE of doing the things he did and CAPABLE of ignoring me for days and deliberately avoiding me hurts tremendously. I cry off and on. Some days are better than others. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I love (d) him with all my heart and soul and he used me so badly..... he loved me the only way he knew how which was dysfunctional love. I finally realized that I was gaining nothing but grief by being in this relationship and that there will ALWAYS be drama as long as he was around. His terrible past paints the picture of his future, and realizing that was eye-opening. I removed myself from the picture.

 

Still hurting and grieving, I'm trying to make it through this. He really did a number on me, worse than any guy I've ever known. This marriage of 2 years hurts worse than the end of my first marriage of 10 years. Thank you all for your support through this hell.