Confused

[Mercury]

I have been reading many of your posts over the past few months and would like to say how much it has helped, thank you. I Broke up with my ex 6 months ago after a 3yr relationship- lived together for 2yrs. During the last year, things didn't go well- we argued and treated each other poorly often. There were issues about moving away and marriage. I wanted to stay in my hometown, and she didn't. She was very controlling and didn't feel comfortable with me doing just about anything without her. I didn't feel sure enough about our relationship to put a ring on her finger, and she began to resent me for it. The anger she had turned into public displays that were embarresing for both of us. I felt that we needed a break, we broke up, and I moved out, it was a mutual decision. Despite this, we both hoped it would lead to a better understanding, and we could make this work after some time. Initially, I felt a lot of relief. I dated someone I had already known (my ex didn't know this) through the holidays, but in January decided that I wanted to work at my relationship with my ex again. She was very resistant, but we still did small things like go to the movies, have dinner. It was on friendship terms. I told her that I was ready to commit, and felt that I was ready to give her what she wanted (marriage). Despite her hot/cold feelings I stayed steady in my resolve to her. This time was very difficult for me because she was not responding the way I hoped. I worked out, stayed busy setting up my new appartment, all the while she became more distant. In March, she surprised me by saying she was ready to talk seriously, and we did- discussing moving, marriage, kids. She seemed very positive, but a week later said she "couldn't be who I wanted her to be", and that she had "changed". Thats when communication almost completely stopped, although she would still send an occasional e-mail or call to say hi. Sometimes 2-3 weeks would pass with no contact. Then, last weekend she called, we talked for about an hour, and both agreed to see each other the next night at a common friends party. We live near each other and agreed to go to her place to talk more seriously after the party. She then told me she had been seeing someone at work (who is married), but that she still had feelings for me, and still thought about getting back together. I told her that if she was serious, she would end that immediately, and that we would talk this weekend about trying again. She said she would talk to him this week and let me know this weekend what she wanted to do.

These are my problems- I still have very strong feeling for her but feel very disappointed that she would be with a married man (Since Thanksgiving!). Also, she didn't tell me it was over and she wanted to see me again, she said she would talk to him and give me an answer this weekend. I know this was a big step for her to me tell me about this affair, she didn't have to do this. I know she was very hurt by our breakup, and probably is still somewhat afraid to give me another chance. Also, I think she has developed strong feelings for him.

As for myself, I haven't dated very much since the breakup. I have been in a few long term relationships over the past 7 yrs, and decided to take time for myself- to prioritize my life. I just started feeling better about myself, regain my confidence over the past month (things were rough for 3-4 months)- and have been going out and meeting new people, and a few dates. I can't deny i still want to give her a chance, but feel like a could be setting myself up for a fall. I feel like I love her, but question why didn't I marry her when I had a chance last summer. Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate any insight- does anyone think this has a chance now that time has passed, and we could possibly start fresh? Or do you think She'll even come through this weekend?

[Birdman]

Well, the fact that she admitted that she had been "going" with a married man showes me that she wants to work things out deep down inside. I don't think you should feel jealous though because didn't you go out with some ppl during that time? Just try to be understanding with her and keep your calm. If you guys really love eachother it will work out.

 

Hate causes arguments: but love forgives all wrong doings

[StillLoveHer]

Heh.. at least she admitted about it.. My wife is so damn stubborn she would rather see us apart then admit she did something wrong.. You got yourself a good woman there.. Stick with her..

[Mercury]

Thanks for the reply guys. She is also very stubbern, so this is a big step. I do have to keep my cool, whatever her answer is this weekend. I know giving her ultimatums on conditions if we get back togther will only put more pressure on her. If she wants to give this a try, I'll tell her that we should just enjoy each other the next several weeks rather than discuss all the problems we need to work out. When some time has passed and she feels more comfortable we can get into it. We have both been under so much stress over this lately,adding to it would be bad. The only condition I will place is that she be honest with me in regards to her interactions with the other guy- I think that is fair to ask. I know she will still have some feelings for him and will still see him at work and may feel like talking, but I think she should be upfront to me about what is going on. Any thoughts? Also, I'd really like to hear a womans take on my situation. Thank you all.