I'm contemplating suicide again

[lizzie2011]

I can't understand the meaning of life. Surely it can't be that we wake up; work pay bills then die. Nobody loves me and I don't think that will change. All I have are lots of people who want to use me. If I disappeared tomorrow nobody would notice or really care. Sure some people would say "what a waste" but they would be fine without me. Probably wouldn't even cry. There's more love here on the Internet than in real life. The bills are ever present and overwhelming. There's no escape. There's no real happiness anywhere. To know you mean nothing to anyone is pretty harsh. I used to believe that it was a sin to kill myself but now I don't know that I believe in God so its less of a deterrent. So I'm lying here in bed thinking about killing myself and not feeling as concerned about it as I think I should. Just very dispassionately and logically about mechanisms.

[chitown9]

The thing is that you never know what is around the corner. Life is full of surprises. You would not want to miss what the future brings. .....chi

[LoneGurl]

First and foremost, if you really are contemplating suicide, you need to seek professional help asap. and I will look up a number and post it for you to call.

Secondly, it really sounds like you need to clean house.. and by clean house I mean get rid of all the people you are hanging around with. I use to hang out with a group of people and we would go out all the time on the weekend. They were just using me. and when I wasn't being the life of the party, they weren't around. I cut off all ties with those people and started a new life and met a lot of amazing people doing so and you can to.

The internet is a good place to find people to talk to but you can find those people everywhere.. but not if you are tied down to group of people who are not good people. There are lots of good people in this world. Stop giving all the negative people your goodness.. only give it to people who are kind to you.

[LoneGurl]

Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255

[lizzie2011]

I'm not convinced I want help. I know I should want help but I don't think that I do. I'm just tired of fighting the sadness. Its exhausting. I just want to rest a luttle while and let it do its thing

[Iggy5129]

I feel the same way. I can't take another day of feeling misery every minute. It is too much to handle and I've tried to be happy many many times yet I always fall back into depression. It sucks.

[Hypa22]

I'm not convinced I want help. I know I should want help but I don't think that I do. I'm just tired of fighting the sadness. Its exhausting. I just want to rest a luttle while and let it do its thing

 

Not wanting help is the CLEAREST SIGN that you need help. I have met many people who self-destruct because they GENUINELY believe that they are beyond help. I have also met many people who have gotten help and have genuinely turned their life around, some to the point where they can't even understand the person they were beforehand. I am one of the latter.

 

I spent years wishing i was dead. I thought I was broken and beyond help for so many reasons. I was forced to go into therapy, i didn't think it could help me and i went kicking and screaming. It did, and I am bewildered by the fact that I thought it wouldn't do anything.

 

As far as life is concerned, in general, one of the reasons people are so uncomfortable living, so pissed off about paying bills and all that, is because real life has so many strange opportunities - not all wonderful and not all terrible, but extremely novel - that we are overwhelmed and either forget that fact and become bored or are too overwhelmed by it to the point that we're paralyzed. All I can say is that when you realize how strange and mysterious life is, without it having to be meaningful or good or bad, it actually is pretty intriguing, and you probably won't want to leave.

 

in all, though, GET HELP. Those people who think it would be a waste actually care about you way more than you think they do at this point but you probably can't tell.

[lizzie2011]

I remember swallowing bleach and pills when I was 8, maybe I'm just one of those people whose brains are wired the wrong way. I used to joke that nothing is worse than a failed suicide attempt because having failed at life I've now failed at ending life. I haven't told anyone in real life because I don't want to be stopped if I make an attempt

[Hypa22]

having failed at life I've now failed at ending life

 

thinking in terms of 'failing life' is strange - you're already alive, not much to fail at

[lizzie2011]

I'm failing at creating and maintaining normal human bonds and reacting instinctively and appropriately to normal everyday occurrences. I'm more worried about how other people feel than I am about how I feel. When I was younger I didn't kill myself a couple of times because I was thinking about the people who would find the body and how it would affect property value so I decided to jump off a cliff ... but on the way to the bus I slipped and fell and broke my toe .. isn't that ironic

[Dubious]

We share something. Just what exactly what would it matter? Is there a God, or even a point? If I left right now would it have any - beyond the superficial - impact on anyone, or indeed anything? Ok then, so what's the least painful method..?

 

I'm agnostic, I don't think its possible to know one way or the other. Is love just an idealistic concept? Flying spaghetti monster? Yeah, maybe... I know one thing though, that I registered here just to reply to your post. For some reason that I don't understand, I need you not to succumb. Please don't leave me here, all alone

[Hypa22]

I'm failing at creating and maintaining normal human bonds and reacting instinctively and appropriately to normal everyday occurrences. I'm more worried about how other people feel than I am about how I feel. When I was younger I didn't kill myself a couple of times because I was thinking about the people who would find the body and how it would affect property value so I decided to jump off a cliff ... but on the way to the bus I slipped and fell and broke my toe .. isn't that ironic

 

When I was depressed, I knew people who really looked down on my situation. They saw me spend weeks in bed - literally weeks - and said i was not living, spoke about how i just went for so long without human contact. Some of them were pretty cruel about it too. There are, however, a LOT of ways to "live" in the real world, for the simple fact that you're alive, and your experience of human bonds / not human bonds is one way (a way you don't seem to be pretty happy with, but it IS a way, and that it could happen means something). Ever hear about the guy in japan who lived in a hut for 40 years after world war 2 because he was unconvinced the war was over??

 

you seem to be thinking a lot about bills and property values - is your life wrapped up a lot in these ideas of success? Because what other people feel often seems to have a lot to do with that. It's a substitute for people who aren't creative enough to make the best with what they've got.

 

And remember - people are ALWAYS out to give you unwanted advice if you're not living up to their own screwed up standards (i had a boss that thought i was failing at life because i didn't know how to sew). Just know that they are pretty much wrong even if they make you feel bad. They're almost ALWAYS wrong.

[lymphocyte]

I've been there. I actually quite frequently think to myself 'what's the point of me living, just to put off death?'

 

I'm certainly terrified of the fact that I'll reach the end of my life, look back and realise there was no reason for me to live as long as I did. I worry that I'll live my life a lonely, pathetic person.

 

But if I killed myself right now, I'll never have a chance to have a good life.

 

I remember through high school I was pretty depressed, and at my worst I figured I'd just end it there and then, because no one would miss me. Didn't have a goal for life, or many friends. I'd cry myself to sleep because I thought I was so ugly and disgusting that no one would ever love me or care for me. I even thought my friends secretly hate me. I didn't think I'd get out of the never-ending circle of depression, so I may as well die there and then.

 

That was over 2 years ago, and I'm glad I didn't, because in the past 10 or so months, I've had the most amazing time. I've met new people, I've moved away from home to go to university, and it's so wonderful. But if I'd killed myself back when I wanted to, I wouldn't have had the opportunity. I wouldn't have met the people I have, and I would have died miserable, not knowing that happiness was just around the corner.

 

So don't give up, because you really don't know what's going to happen in life, and you'll never get the chance if you're not here.

[Lostgirl31]

Don't do it! Things always get better. Things may seem tough right now but they always get better.

[JGintheOC]

I don't think life is meant to be horrible. Coming from someone who has spent alot of time in her life disappointed by people and things...I do strongly believe that things are always a matter of your perception.

 

If you let things get you down then everything will always seem hopeless.

 

But if you look at obstacles as a test of how you overcome then you will get through things.

 

I know its hard to be hopeful but like I said, if you look at things as half full, then it'll be hard to see anything else than just that.