In love, she's married(not good) she still loves me.

[helpneeded]

but theres a risk that he won't have her AT ALL then?! that's y i'm sticking around for my girl....i don't want 2 lose her totally, and we were such great friends.....

[coloradobound]

Right now its just moral support, to be there if she does need anything. We both agreed only as friends right now. I will not give up on her, I care about her too much. And have read alot on how to help and I am going to try. The relationship is nothing romantic, strictly friends now.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Bro..who made you her Knight in Shining Armour?? Trust me when I say this...I've been there, done that, and all I got out of it was T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

 

As some have said, you have only heard one side of the story....I'm sure she's not Blameless in the situation, but she makes it sound like her Man is 100% at fault.

 

One Poster told me once that 'The relationship you are seeking is Not real'.

Trust me on this one....even if you end up with her or not..You are the one who will end up getting Burned.......

 

Good Luck Brother!

[coloradobound]

Bro..who made you her Knight in Shining Armour?? Trust me when I say this...I've been there, done that, and all I got out of it was T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

 

As some have said, you have only heard one side of the story....I'm sure she's not Blameless in the situation, but she makes it sound like her Man is 100% at fault.

 

One Poster told me once that 'The relationship you are seeking is Not real'.

Trust me on this one....even if you end up with her or not..You are the one who will end up getting Burned.......

 

Good Luck Brother!

 

That is one reason I will make a female friend of hers, who happens to be a friend of mine, aware of my concerns. So that maybe that she can see some of the signs also, but since she doesn't have the emotional involvement that I have, and possibly help her.

 

And I have to say there is NO excuse for ever getting physical in an argument. And there are things there that are not even just how she puts it, or whatever, they are just wrong whether I do have emotional involvement or not. Him mad at her for talking to a male coworker who I know for a fact is no threat to him in that way and saying he doesn't like her talking to him. And how she reacted to the physical incident. She was hurt and upset when it happened. And now she downplays it, etc. That is another big sign of an abusive relationship.

[cleverme123]

Abusive relationship problem number one:

 

1) You never tell someone they are in an abusive relationship, they will deny it.

 

2) Even if you think it's abusive the person in it doesn't see it that way.

 

3) If you push the issue they will withdraw more from you.

 

4) Emotionally abusive relationships take place with vulnerable people that are insecure with them self and think they can do no better even if they have an army of people there telling them differently.

 

5) It's a cycle, it will go from great to bad and back many times and you will hit your head on the wall asking why they go back.

 

6) Even as friends, if he thinks someone is getting to close to her, she will pay the price. The men that do it are controlling and a huge part is controlling their victims environment.

 

I am telling you this because you are putting yourself and her in a very dangerous situation, he finds out the depth of your feelings with her or what you share and he will not only threaten, control and abuse her, but then the abuse will get even worse and he will smooze her over and she won't see anything wrong. I am a victim of this myself I KNOW THIS TOO WELL!!! Listen to me on this I understand I have been there and I still fight hard not to let things get that way although where I am is taking strange familiarance to where I came from.

[coloradobound]

1. I will not tell her she is in an abusive relationship, only that there is someone that cares.

 

2. I know about how people are in denial. I lived through this with my brother.

 

3. I will not push on her. I know that does not work, due to my research, asking professional help, and what it did with my brother.

 

4. I know about them going through the cycle and why they go back. It is just gradually letting them know someone cares and will listen.

 

I have seen the control already, where he said he doesn't like her talking to a coworker. And from all the professional advice and other peoples experiences, giving up on it would be more detrimental to her. You say that helping her puts her in danger, I feel (and the professional advice I have received) sitting by and allowing this to continue without even trying to help is more hurting than anything. Allowing this person to continually hurt her isn't good.

[11flower]

I'd just keep my eyes open if I were you. Why does she want to stay with him?

 

11Flower

[coloradobound]

I'd just keep my eyes open if I were you. Why does she want to stay with him?

 

11Flower

 

From my research there are a number of reasons. One straight from her is that its not been all bad. But the thing is, normal relationships have their trouble spots, what she has told me and how I see her acting, these are not your normal relationship trouble spots. Alot the research has said they still love the abuser and believe that they will change, which they are in the honeymoon phase right now which means everything is "perfect". She is in denial about anything being abusive, ie when the pushing incident happened, she was very upset, and now she down plays it and says she never felt in danger (but if you could hear her voice when she told me, you'd know differently). Fear maybe, in she has said the he has told her "if i lost you i'd probably kill myself", so that is on her conscience. Another that I have seen is low self esteem, and with her, its not just recent, its been that way a while.

 

From research, the abuser may promise to change, but rarely if ever does change. I think she may have been used in some past relationships and that may be all she knows. I'm just trying to be there to support her and depending on if she ever feels receptive, try and talk to her about things. I dont want to do anything to make her remember the past relationship we had as thats not what this is about, I just want to show her that there are things that make me worry about her safety.

 

Its mainly I believe the love part, in what she said that it hasnt been all bad. But I am afraid that the next abuse cycle could be very damaging to her and this has been the first instance of physical violence and that the next time could be worse physical violence towards her. Not saying definitely, but most research and studies show the first is usually never the last.

[11flower]

Oh of course not it won't be the last as I agree, violent behavior will eventually escalate.

 

It happened out where I live to a couple. The lady isn't alive any more. We met this couple at a home with a group of people and you could see just by looking at this guy that something wasn't right with him.

He's in prison today, and their 3 kids must be being raised by extended family, I would guess.

 

Anyway, it sounds sort of scary.

 

Why would she even venture to fall in love with you in the first place? Something she isn't getting in her marriage, and then she met you?

 

My late grandmother's 1st husband said the same thing to her. So, she finally married him. Then, yes, you guessed it! He left her for another woman.

 

This gal's husband is sick and she's subjecting herself to this. I hope she will eventually leave him, pardon me. If she does leave him and wants to be with you, I hope it will be long after she's divorced him and things are settled a bit so there's no further threat to either of you, if this makes sense.

 

I have no problem at all with the fact you two are in love. I do have a problem with the fact she stays with a man who will ultimately hurt her. I mean, even Biblically speaking, she has every right and good grounds to divorce him because of his abuse.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong by standing by her as her friend right now and it doesn't sound you're "taking her away" or "playing around with someone else's wift." More importantly right now isn't the fact you had a past relationship, rather everyone's health and safety is the issue here, IMHO.

 

By what you've said, I'm truly concerned for the safety of all involved though. Sort of scary. I've seen it!

 

11Flower

[coloradobound]

I think she is missing alot in her relationship, like romance, someone that shows her she is a good person, someone who listens, and someone who makes her feel good about herself. She tends to keep her feelings hidden, which may have something to do with how he is when she expresses things, but dont know for sure. Like when she said she wanted to work on her marriage, it was emotional on both sides. She said i could get angry at her and yell at her. Like she expected me to or something. Maybe how he reacts to her.

 

I am not worried about my safety with him as I am not afraid of him. I am just making sure he doesn't find out I'm helping her for her safety. I can handle him on my end.

 

And she stays with him for the reasons in the previous post. She has a low self esteem and may be afraid of the change.

 

Antoher bad thing is I almost see my brother becoming an abuser in relationships, having been abused and what happened in his marriage that ended in divorce. And just how he acts alot of times.

[11flower]

Colorado,

 

What do you mean that it is emotional on both sides when she said she wants to work on her marriage?

 

I wasn't inferring that you couldn't handle yourself with a maniacal abuse freak. I'm just curious though, how would you handle it if he came at you with a gun. See, he sounds like the type to do this if he were to find out you were helping his wife.

 

My brother is abusive. He, his wife and 2 teenage children live in another state than I do. My nephew can't wait till he's 18 so he can help his mom get out. It's a terrible situation that I can't go into now for time's sake and the fact that it doesn't apply to yours.

 

But anyway,...what do you mean? Do you mean that you've been abused also?

 

You do sound like a great, sensitive guy. Why is this girl truly not wanting to leave this guy? Is it because of all the things you said? She is afraid of change? If this is true, how do you think she will eventually react when things could go awry with the both of you once you're married, settled, etc.?

 

Tough question?

 

11Flower

[coloradobound]

As in we both were in tears after that conversation. Thats what I mean by it was emotional. We were both crying.

 

To put it bluntly, if he came after me with a gun, he'd be dead. I have legally carried a gun for over 5 years, went through training, etc. And I also happen to know he doesn't own a gun. And I work out and have 2 years of karate to take care if he comes at me just as himself. I will defend myself according to the threat. No weapon, I take care of it bare handed. Weapon, I will equalize. And dont worry about me with a weapon, my father is a former federal law enforcement officer and knows what I have also.

 

I have not ever been abused. My brother was in a physically abusive relationship where SHE physically abused him. And he does have a temper, when he found out his wife was cheating, he grabbed her by the throat in the middle of a apartment complex. And he is a very immature person. So, thats why I fear he will become an abuser in the future. But I dont know if i can convince him to get some therapy so he doesn't.

 

And again, why she wont leave him, she still loves him (they tend to focus on the happy times and ignore the bad times, which from what i've read and what she's told me are really BAD), they are in denial, she has a low self esteem, and in addition to him basically saying he would kill himself if he lost her on her conscious. And alot of times I believe it is change, she moved her away from her family and friends. They are all like accross the country.

 

I am only worried about getting her out of this current situation and helping her recoup. Not worried about being with her right now. I think with help, and just how I am in relationships, I think I can help her. I would never get physical during an argument, and can control my anger very well and would rarely yell at someone. And I also plan on keeping communication open during a relationship, as I think thats what hurts alot of relationships. She is a very good person, and is a very caring and kind person. No one deserves to be treated like this, and having gotten to know who she really is, i really want to help her.

 

For some reason people seem to open up to me and seek advice from me. A good friend, who started out as more than friends has confided in me with her dating relationship. I could've broken them up if I wanted to to have her back, but I saw her relationship then was a good one and did what was right. And another person who has been through some bad times, an abusive relationship, says she feels safe around me and says she is starting to trust men again because of me.

[11flower]

Coloradobound,

 

Sir, I have no problem with you and your ability to help people. I'm glad you're Karate trained. I have about 2 3/4 yrs. in Taekwon-Do, traditional style and know jist a couple things myself so am very for self defense.

 

But I just hope things work out for the best with you and your friend. You have a balanced head on your shoulders. I know you'll make the right decisions.

 

I would say that I actually hope that if it's right that she leave her husband and come be with you that this happens. I hope your dreams with this girl will come true. I hope she won't be severely abused and harmed by her current husband.

 

She should leave her husband, IMHO.

 

But, overall, I hope your dreams to be together with her come true and that also she stays safe.

 

What do you forsee happening?

 

11Flower

 

PS I may be asking you advice myself in the future one day. So, stick around here for us, would ya'.

 

11Flower

[coloradobound]

I am happy to help people, and will help if I can.

 

I'm not sure what I see happening. I know what I would like to happen. The key thing that needs to happen is her being away from him IMHO. I am really scared that he will do something that could severily harm her. Like I said, I am not worried about her and I, I'm mostly worried about her being safe. She has even admitted to me that he has a temper when he doesn't get his way. And I wonder if her having a degree and a good job and him doing fast food sort of work makes him insecure and he feels he has to control the relationship or something.

[cleverme123]

An abuser is always threaten when the female has the upper hand. But, it doesn't really matter if she was the President of the United States, he will verbally beat her down and she will not feel any of it. For me, it's like a state of mind. Taking abuse is easier than dealing with emotions that come in a normal relationship. You learn how to block what you have to, avoid the triggers, and when it happens you just turn yourself off and then find an excuse to trigger it. My guess is that she has grown so use to the way her husband behaves that she is making excuses for him, but yet telling other people how awful things are there. I use to do it all the time. It's such a cycle, even now I still do it to a point.

 

No matter how many times someone tells her the situation is wrong she will agree only to the point at which she returns to her abuser. For me I will tell you what happened, the abuser got to the point he was raging all the time, I had a friend of both his and mine, try to help me out of there. He pulled a knife and stabbed his friend. he then took a sledge hammer destroyed all of my things in the house including a glass table, he took his knife and the back of my shirt collar and stabbed it into the wall. Then picked up the glass and threw it at me as if I were a human dart board. I was 3 months pregnant at the time, he punched me in the stomach, I lost one baby and carried the other to term only after leaving. BUT, that day I also snapped, I was afraid for my unborn child, and I wound up stabbing him over 50 times, he begged and pleaded for me to stop but I didn't. I went to jail and by wing and prayer, did not go to prison for attempted murder. I was diagnosed battered women syndrome, he tried to kill me first and I stopped him. He is in prison now, and I hope he rots there.

 

My point of telling that story is this, don't try to predict what, when, how or why he would snap. Usually, instead of them flipping out on someone they can't predict, they pick the person that they can predict, only assuming they will be too afraid to tell, run, or fight back. They do this over time and it makes it much easier to harm the person their with.

 

You may think you can take him, but he will not make it that easy. She will get it first, and I hope for her sake by the time you get to her it ain't too late.

[coloradobound]

I know you can't predict when or how he will react. I am only going to watch for signs for the cycle. On how she is acting. The honeymoon phase is "everything is fine". But I can tell at times when she's not herself. I think it will be good that she will not phyiscally be around him the coming week, as she will be on the other side of the country on a business trip. Which will help i think, in not seeing him everyday.

 

I know how people can react during these things and with a temper. I know some of the things that happened to my brother, and others expereinces with this sort of thing.

 

Thank you for the advice and insight. I know it is hard to share things that have impacted your life like that and I appreciate it.