Katrinagirl Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Agree. What's done is done. Now, let's reinforce the good work OP is in keeping NC. Agree! Got a little sidetracked with hearthurts73's situation, but back to Nate's (the OP's) situation. Nate, keep up the good work dude! It gets easier with time, I promise! Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I'm not going to contact her until I've healed, I can't like I did when my emotions become so intense. And you said I shut her out during her illness, do you mean my illness? I wouldn't say I shut her out, I just wasn't capable of being my true self during these times which created lots of the difficulty, but she stood by me and always rooted for me, she was a wonderful woman and I love her in every which way you can think of, I just need to gather back my emotions during this NC period before I reach out again and if I were to ever reach out sooner it would only be to apologize for my actions which were uncontrollable, my fear of losing her just became too overwhelming which led to all my desperate and vulnerable I love you texting and contestant phone calls etc, but I must apologize regardless of what she did and didn't do because what's most import at is I clean my side of the street first Link to comment
3Tears Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I'm not going to contact her until I've healed. When you've truly healed you won't want to contact her. Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 How can you say I won't want to contact her? I have such love for her Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Look all I can say is that I think I'm very aware of the situation, my emotions aren't too intact right now because I'm grieving and it's best for now that I stay NC and while doing this I'm going to send her a brief letter apologizing for my actions without any expectations. I'm also a very persistent person and this sometimes works very well in my favor, but sometimes it doesn't. I know this girl loves and adores me tremendously but as for right now there's too much going on for us to really continue anything partially because of what she's facing, her having to deal with me nearly disabled every time we were together for approx 6 months (been together 2 years) and of course the way I reacted when she told me she needed her space. I do believe there's an incredibly strong foundation between the two of us that's filled with so much love and admiration that I just can't accept that this relationship has come to a forever ending. I just don't see things so black and white like that but do understand it's prob best I do see it as black and white for now as part of my healing but I'm talking in the future, I want to take care of this woman and be by her side forever by supporting her emotionally and every other which way Link to comment
Katrinagirl Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yes, that was a typo, I meant "your" illness not "her" illness. Thanks for catching that! And yes I also agree that you should "clean your side of the street first," and great choice of words by the way! I may have to steal those from you and add to my own relationship repertoire! lol I understand about your feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, been there, we all have!! I don't know where or how I learned this though -- even when my very first boyfriend broke up with me when I was 17 (he went off to college after being in a RL with me for two years), I KNEW not to ever contact him. I was hurting so bad, crying with my girlfriends, I was so attached to him and missed him so much, I literally ached. But again, not sure how or where I learned this at 17 years old, but I KNEW that contacting him would be to my detriment and no good would come of it. So I respected his decision and left him alone. He never forgot that and always held me to the highest esteem after that. Four years later after he graduated he even attempted to get back together with me! By then I had completely moved on though, so we became friends. Anyhoo, not sure where I am going with this other than to share my story and to tell you that I think no contact is the way to go, and you're doing great. Later down the road, when emotions have cooled down and you feel you have moved on, you can contact her and apologize. But not now. Emotions are still running to high. Again, good luck and ((big virtual hug)).... Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you and as you know it's so painful all I want is to hug and kiss her right now and tell her how much I love her, but this isn't the reality right now, but it's how tender my thoughts are of her and she's dealing with so much loss to begin with I just want to help make the pain go away for her, and regarding my insanity towards her, all night john lennon's jealous guy has been running through my head Link to comment
Nate92 Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 @headhurts73 I would read what Katrinagirl and 3Tears have said, and then read it again... and again. You need to realize that right now you are in the weaker position, and after attempting to persuade your ex to return to return to your relationship, you have announced that fact to her and everyone else. Each time you contact her, you speak from that weaker position, only further solidifying it! I understand how difficult it is. It's unbearable at times. I contacted my ex today after a week and guess what... BAD MOVE, and I even knew it would be, but I just couldn't help it! I only left the conversation feeling further away from her, and it only made her more sure about her decision I guarantee. You truthfully should stop talking about ceasing contact with your ex as a means of repair through the act itself. It is about you, and the sooner you get that the sooner you will stand a chance at the least. When you're able to stop talking to your ex from that weak position, then you can try to win her back. Not through words but through your actions. Each time you contact your ex you're beginning to REPULSE her... not attract her. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lol thanks for thinking of me Katrinagirl! My situation is looking quite grim. I would do anything to win her back, and my heart says I should, but my brain is 100% it's over. She's a sensitive girl and I love that about her, but she has this ability to shut herself down when she needs to. When our relationship started hitting bumps towards the end of our college career, she shut down and ran... I just didn't realize how far. Myself... I'm a fixer. I didn't cheat on her, lie to her, etc., so I believed she would remain with me and remedy the situation. It turns out that wasn't the case, which I should of anticipated. She started dating someone new about one month after we left school. What's worse is we are a state away now, and moving to new places in our lives... bummer I know. The main reason I can't stop fighting, and I hope this doesn't sound condescending, the year and a half that we were together I know I was an amazing boyfriend. I was exactly what she needed when she needed it. I know that a lot of users will tell me that it sounds like I was a "doormat" for her, but that wasn't the case. I was a man in the relationship and always made sure to be that, but I still protected and cared for her whenever she needed it and beyond that. I gave her everything I had, so as you can imagine, knowing now that she is turning that away and is with another guy is ripping my heart out. I've tried to convince her for the last month on and off to come back, but of course to no avail. I know it won't work, but I'm desperate, and I just want to stop the pain. I know she still cares about me immensely though, so I better stop, because I don't want that to stop! I know I'm slowly chipping away at her fondness of me (even if it is as just a friend), but it's so difficult to help. Quite the torturous cycle. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you and as you know it's so painful all I want is to hug and kiss her right now and tell her how much I love her, but this isn't the reality right now, but it's how tender my thoughts are of her and she's dealing with so much loss to begin with I just want to help make the pain go away for her, and regarding my insanity towards her, all night john lennon's jealous guy has been running through my head Reading again "I just to help make the pain go away" I have a new idea: Consider that pain is ok. Accept pain, hers and yours. Pain is often the pathway to beauty. Let her have her pain. Make good use of yours. (There are religious and philosophical teachings around this idea. In the weight room, no pain no gain. etcetc.) Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you all today for being able to give such wonderful support, I'll be back tomorrow with my obsessions researching and trying to figure out how to win her back, I know it's not healthy but it's part of the grieving process as this obsession too will pass, all I can say for now is that I'm proud for my 10 days NC and know it could be worse, for now I'll continue with my obsessing knowing it's unhealthy and pray it fades as I write her a letter to make my amends, but wow do I miss her so much Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you all today for being able to give such wonderful support, I'll be back tomorrow with my obsessions researching and trying to figure out how to win her back, I know it's not healthy but it's part of the grieving process as this obsession too will pass, all I can say for now is that I'm proud for my 10 days NC and know it could be worse, for now I'll continue with my obsessing knowing it's unhealthy and pray it fades as I write her a letter to make my amends, but wow do I miss her so much She is not a prize, she is not available. I wish you speed in working through this obsession. You two are incompatible due to the stages of your lives Keep the letter away from the mailbox! Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 She is not a prize, she is not available. I wish you speed in working through this obsession. You two are incompatible due to the stages of your lives Keep the letter away from the mailbox! Here's the letter I drafted which I'm keeping away from the mailbox. Of course these names are fictitious. Dear Jane, I just wanted to apologize. My feelings overwhelmed me and I wasn't able to manage them properly. You're a wonderful woman and that is why I felt my loss was so huge and difficult to cope with. I've accepted your decision and still need more time to adjust. I wish I could have gone through this process accepting losing you while being your friend, but feel that will be too much to undertake. I just need more time. I wish you the best. You're a wonderful woman. Yours truly, John Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Approve! I think the letter is just right. Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Approve! I think the letter is just right. Seriously? Just like that? No revisions no comments no nothing? I can put it near the mailbox? Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Ithink please share more comments about this letter, I must hear your insights assuming this letter will be my first contact, thank you very much Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Another thing I needed to mention is that during this NC I've been having to see and speak with her father about some business dealings. This will come to an end mid august but I've only been communicating with him since nc by email. He's well aware of the situation regarding me and his daughter and has taken a liking towards me as almost wanting to be a 2nd father as I lost my father at 21 through cancer, I'm now 40. Anyhow I did tell him it's best that we no longer speak so I can heal although my ex was wanting us to remain in strong contact as well as my ex wanting her and I to be friends in which I said I'm sorry but neither will be able to happen, the knife was put into my heart and I said to my ex do you just want to keep it in my heart and not take it out so I can heal?? Anyway her father just called me to ask a simple question opening the call with "Hi John, it's Dad Smith" names again are fictitious, but why would he start the call that way knowing what his daughter and I are going through?? Link to comment
booba911 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 This is what I wrote in a thread I started. I'm guy and let me tell you, it gets easier. My biggest piece of advice to feel better, is distance. Do not talk to your ex, do not ask her questions, don't ask her why this happened or try to get back with her. No matter how much it hurts or how bad you think things are, remember that it goes away, and that she's not special. She's only important to you because YOU made her important, and what you'll realize eventually is you can also make her unimportant. If you sit down logically, you'll realize that she didn't take anything away from you except for your ability to feel a certain way about her. You should be able to get along just as well without her, especially given some time. Y'all will be allright. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Honestly, I do think you wrote a good letter. If it weren't for the dad part, I would say for sure to wait to send it, but given the bigger picture, I think sending it is okay too. The dad is staying out of it, still liking you on his own accord, and adopting a mentor stance. You are doing a great job. Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Honestly, I do think you wrote a good letter. If it weren't for the dad part, I would say for sure to wait to send it, but given the bigger picture, I think sending it is okay too. The dad is staying out of it, still liking you on his own accord, and adopting a mentor stance. You are doing a great job. Is the dad staying out? We haven't spoken since I went NC with his daughter who broke up with me. He called me today to ask a somewhat of a petty question and the first thing he says is hi john dad smith.. I spoke with him real quick and I know he sensed genuine good positive energy coming from me, I got off the phone at the perfect time and the ex didn't come up I'm just wondering given I only have 10 days nc if she had him check up on me. Re the letter, I don't think it's going to create magic by bringing her back, but if she was going to come back how would that letter play to her as a female? And let's say she's missing me terribly and is having regrets for what she's done but is afraid to reach out worried my response will be goodbye forever? Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 This is what I wrote in a thread I started. I'm guy and let me tell you, it gets easier. My biggest piece of advice to feel better, is distance. Do not talk to your ex, do not ask her questions, don't ask her why this happened or try to get back with her. No matter how much it hurts or how bad you think things are, remember that it goes away, and that she's not special. She's only important to you because YOU made her important, and what you'll realize eventually is you can also make her unimportant. If you sit down logically, you'll realize that she didn't take anything away from you except for your ability to feel a certain way about her. You should be able to get along just as well without her, especially given some time. Y'all will be allright. I went through a tremendous divorce and suffered terrible grief from that, no rebound no nothing and I'm proud to say it all worked out for the best, we're so civil now, we coparent etc and what you said above is exactly what happened Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Truly loving this support forum Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Honestly, I do think you wrote a good letter. If it weren't for the dad part, I would say for sure to wait to send it, but given the bigger picture, I think sending it is okay too. The dad is staying out of it, still liking you on his own accord, and adopting a mentor stance. You are doing a great job. And also regarding the letter, I'm not sure if sending it will grant her back her power again given the nc for 10 days Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Re the dad, maybe she asked him to check on you, you know them better than I. Who cares? Re the letter, if you can wait to send it, then do., until your instincts are more consistent. Link to comment
hearthurts73 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Ok here's the new developments and I really need some help and guidance on this, her father called me again and I didn't answer the phone, he left me a message which was pertaining only to minor business dealings, I sent him a text saying sorry I can't talk right now, he then called me 10 minutes later so I answered, I'm avoiding speaking with him because I need to heal, I just don't want any contact with him at all, it can all be done by email, so I answer the phone and he said "hi it's Dad Smith again did you get my message?" (Voicemail he left 10 min prior he also said hi it's dad smith). When I spoke to him i was real short but polite heard what he said and got off real quick but again polite, no mention of his daughter. Now, I just got home and my old tax returns were in my mailbox (something he was supposed to give back to me anyway) AND there was a thank you note from her son for the gift I got him for high school graduation AND during our breakup when I was in contact and frantic mode I shipped her a book from Barnes and noble for the health of our relationship called "The ADHD effect on marriage". Well she never opened the package, told me during my frantic mode that she wasn't going to read it but return it and there the book was today in my mailbox still in its package unopened etc Did she give this to her dad to give to me to get a rise out of me and try and draw attention? And coincidently as I was on my way home tonight the dad called me twice like that? I'm so confused and don't know what to make of this and how to handle, of course I know to blow it off and don't get reactive towards her at all without question, but my question is what's the motive behind all of this? I know none of you are psychic, or at least I don't think any of you are psychic but please? What kind of motives are you seeing here? Link to comment
booba911 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 you should focus on yourself and move on with your life. leave her alone and do your own thing. Plenty of women out there man. Link to comment
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