miss_sunshine Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 How does your ex just move on and never look back? We were together for over 11 years, he still was not sure if he wanted marriage and kids. He broke up with me and moved out and it has now been almost 7 weeks since he moved out. Apart from one picture message he sent me over 3 weeks ago he has not contacted me. How do they just move on and never look back? It is not like I cheated on him, or was a horrible girlfriend. How can he just move forward after all our time together and not need to contact me and just see how I am, and if I am coping. Did he really not love me? I just do not understand how anyone can do that. The more time that passes the sadder I get, as I guess it just gets more and more real that it really is over. I miss him so much, and I love him with all my heart. The breakup took me by surprise and I just can not reconcile the person I love who I slept next to everyday and was my best friend, to the person he is now. I just do not see how I am supposed to let it go, when he still has my heart. How do I get it back, how do you stop loving someone? I think about him all the time and it hurts so much that he has done this. I just do not understand and I miss having him in my life so much. I am drowning in a sea of pain and I do not know how to swim my way out. He was the love of my life, and I just do not see a happy life past this. I keep trying to move on but my heart just is not in it. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I dont know, i have always struggled to understand this as well. I think a lot of the time the dumper is mentally detatching themselves from the relationship long before they actually leave, so when they do finally leave the emotions are just not there anymore. Sometimes the dumper stays away after they have left because they feel guilty and can't face upto what they have done. Look at his silence as a blessing, he is helping you recover quicker, although it doesn't feel like it now! If he was feeding you breadcrumbs and contacting you regularly with no intention to come back then your recovery time would be a lot longer! He probably does still think about you, 11 years is a long time to be with someone, just because he isn't in touch with you doesn't mean he is completely over the whole relationship. I hope you feel better soon x Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 People often check out months before. So they might have started the process of emotional disengagement way before they let you know they are moving on. Hang in there. You will be fine in the end even if it seems so bleak now. Link to comment
offplanet Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I think he's acted in your best interests (not to deny the pain you're going through) because of knowing that he can't commit to marriage and kids. He would know that your biological clock would be ticking over, and if he really doesn't want to have kids with you he would be doing you a serious wrong by staying with you. After 11 years he had to do one or the other, commit or break up with you. He would feel terrible about it I guess but if he kept contacting you it would keep you hanging onto the hope of him, which would be bad for you. But after being together for so long with out any plans for marriage or kids did you not have any idea that something was wrong? It would have been better to sort it out long ago. I guess you both didn't want to face it and therefore you drifted along, which is not all his fault. I hope you can get through this and come out with hope of a happy life with someone else one day. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Thanks so much everyone Cherry and butterflyburn for your kinds words. And offplanet, my ex said he wanted us to buy a house before we got married. That it was important to him that we had security. We were saving and were very close to buying a house and I guess it all became to real for him. I think he wanted to want to marry me but when it came down to buying a house and knowing it would lead to that next step he could not do it. He must have never loved me enough. I know I should not have waited for so long but we met when I was 19 and I was not thinking about marriage then. And then it got to a point where I always kept thinking it was close and he would tell me he did want to marry me and I would think I do not want to throw away so many years when it should just be around the corner. So in many ways he lied to me, and led me on. I do not believe and he says he did not deliberately lead me on. Looking back now I would do things differently. It is all very confusing. And you are right I know he would be feeling a lot of guilt. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 The good thing about people who leave like that is that they do not mess you up too much in the long run if you accept the situation. It is a clean cut. But people who string you along, appear confused really keep you in a state of despair much longer until you grow tired of it and just move on. Yes, it is fine to talk but when you have to start doing things that make it real then you separate the stones from the dust... my ex left after I conceived our daughter and he had to start actually doing stuff instead of talking on the abstract. In any case they are doing you a favor. You can start again with someone with whom you are on the same page with. When the time is right you will appreciate that in the end it was for the best A lesson for me for future relationships is the ability to do things not just talk about doing them. My ex said all the right things until the time came to deliver then he bolted and started calling me all sorts of things which I was not before apparently - difficult, controlling, ah they say anything to justify their actions in the end and I will not loss sleep over his views of me. They are flawed anyway Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 After 11 years, he still didn't want to commit to you. I know it hurts. But he just didn't move on. He was never fully there to begin with. Link to comment
okiedokiestomp Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Some people have the ability to flip a switch and detach. More likely, he had emotionally pulled away over time so that when he announced he was leaving he was already emotionally gone. There is an excellent book called "Uncoupling" that explains this process very well. In hindsight we always see there were signs that we either chose to ignore or were not consciously aware of. You should be proud of the way you've handled things by not chasing after him. You've kept your dignity in tact and that is something a lot of people on here wish they could re-do after their breakup. Use the anger you feel towards him for feeling lead on by him to help propel you forward and remain in no contact with him. The truth of the matter is that you deserve someone who will recognize what a great thing they have in you and will do anything to make sure the relationship continues to grow and move in the right direction. Communication sounds like it was lacking or at least that he was not as open and honest about what he was feeling or not feeling. Link to comment
3Tears Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I feel the same way, even with the whole "They've detached themselves months before the breakup" I still can't see how they can just move on so easily, even if they don't feel anything anymore, when you go through a break up, when you tell that other person you don't want to be with them anymore ALL of their emotions resurface, even if they didn't feel anything, unless they were always a cold hearted person... Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Haven't we seen this thread before? I agree with the other posters. People can emotionally leave a relationship YEARS before the physically leave. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 We love ourselves more than we love you and the life we had with you. It's actually very simple. We're not narcissists or commitment phobes... We want to be happy and we weren't happy with you for whatever reason. It's not even personal, although it does hurt. People just want to do what makes them happy and other people can't seem to understand that . Link to comment
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