GF wants me back after 1 month break but told me she cheated

[Matt-Lee]

Hi

 

My girlfriend of 18 months who is 18 and I am 26 broke it off 1 month ago after we were both always arguing. The problems were that she wasn't happy as we were always seeing each other and not really going out, dating or having adventure, and fun. My problem was that she was being a bit too controlling and when she wasn't happy she would take it out on me and make me feel bad about myself. We would conflict and sometimes she would become quiet spiteful and abusive.

 

In the first week that we had broken up she went out with a group of guy friends on the town. I know these guys (although not that well) and she had known them since before we met. It seemed quiet inocent and I even helped her chose some clothes - she is insecure about herself as she has suffered a lot of bullying at school. It seemed that she wanted to be single as she liked getting attention from other guys - but that was it.

 

The next day she phoned me up and was crying and she wanted me to come over as she missed me and loved me. I went round and she was crying in my arms saying that I'm so good to her and that she really loves me and doesn't want to break up. We got back together but when I saw her in the week she was really distant - when I questioned her she flew into a rage and decided that she did want to break up.

 

During the month we continued talking and she kept going hot and cold and couldn't not talk to me for any longer than a couple of days without phoning me and telling me she misses me and loves me. She wanted to keep seeing me but refused to call it anything or discuss her or my feelings.

 

On Christmas Eve she wanted to get back with me and wanted to make a fresh start - she admitted that she had been confused about what she wants, and didn't feel the excitement in our relationship, especially with all the arguments. Since we broke up we have had space and gone on some dates which have been nice. We have also been less dependant on each other and started to make improvements on our lives.

 

On Boxing Day she told me that she has been holding something from me and tried to tall me a couple of times - on the night she went out with her friends she half slept with one of the guys which was a huge mistake and she was really really drunk and they had got her drugged up. She said that they were just playing and the next thing she knows is it was going further. She then started crying and everything stopped before it went too far. She said she just spoke about me to him and he understood and they promised to never talk about it again. She is really sorry and has been really nice over the past week and keen to make things work agreeing to her faults and that she is going to make the effort too.

 

Am I making the right choice to get back with her - I love her very much and she is only 18 and although very mature in some ways she is emotionally immature and is going through lots of changes and thoughts.

 

Is there any advice?

[titan]

well technically she didn't cheat, but i would run away your situation is pretty much the same as mine.

 

I would forgive her but i wouldn't jump straight back into the relationship, be friends for a while i mean like 6 months then decide, i know it sounds stupid but i would want to make sure its just not another whim her wanting to get back together. People tend to tell white lies when this happens, perhaps she fancied this guy and he only wanted the chase got the goal and now she runs back to you.

 

Sorry to sound harsh dude, believe me i mean it's been four months and it Austrlia is 2.00am and i am still up.. So i would want to make sure

[Cecelius]

You answered all of your own questions in your facts.

 

The one thing you need to decide as a fact matter is if you believe that they got her all "drugged" up. Are we talking intoxicant drugs (coke, ecstasy, etc.) or a date-rape drug?

 

Beyond that, whether it was cheating or not (I think she had broken up with you) its still wildly clear evidence of immaturity: young, attractive girl goes out on the town to get attention, gets drunk and has sex with someone.

 

Whether it was entirely what she wanted (it does not seem so) its clear that her ego, sense of self and sense of independence are not at a state where you can rely on her not to let certain things happen. This does not mean she cheated (like I said, I think she dumped you) but the fact that she can go from being your g/f to doing another guy in a couple of weeks kind of shows you how old she is.

 

I think her actions are disrespectful, frankly, and disappointing. Moreover, if this is the first thing like this she's ever done, I'd expect more of it to come.

[sidhat]

Dude,

 

I would suggest you to become friendly with her but not her friend.. and when you think she is ready for relationship then tell her your circles and limits that for healthy relationship dont try to cross the limit.. and in the mean while you have to be really carefull dont get involve in her too much and dont make her feel that you are soo easy to get back together,, give her little bit hard time to spend time with you and enjoy with you..dont give her expensive gifts and stuff.. just be normal near her.. let her initiates her feelings first..

She is just amature and need attentions all girls like that.. let her reliazed that you did a mistake..

And for you just love yourself and go shopping , gym and built your self esteemed It might happens next time so you have to get ready yourself for next time..

Just be normal near her and calm and kool..

 

Wishes you GOOD LUCK and Happy new year..

 

~Sid..

[Outlaw2747]

What's is stopping her from going too far? Most likely she will hit this situation in the future and it might go further than it is supposed to. IMO, she is still immature and don't know what she wants. You cannot just be not interested in someone and then all of a sudden come crying back saying I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU because she is simply contradicting herself really bad. If I were you, I'd stay friends and nothing more. Or at least not jump into this right away. But I'd go look for a more sensible type of female....this one is a drama queen, especially if she is constantly making you seem like the bad guy.

[Matt-Lee]

Thanks to everyone for your great and helpful replies.

 

Since we broke up I have been alot stronger and have started the gym again - I have also had attention from other females although I am not interested as being 26 I have had my time of flirting and liking attention.

 

However I am going to continue thinking about myself (not too much of course) and make sure everything I want is happening. You are right - maybe we should take it slow, although difficult as I do love her and she lives nearby and has made me very welcome with her family.

 

Maybe I should just date her for a while and cut out the intimacy. I should make time for seeing friends and doing hobbies.

 

Any advice on how I should explain my actions when she wonders why I'm not wanting to be real serious straight away - I know she will ask and because she is insecure I don't want to give her the wrong impression.

 

Thanks again

[Luscious]

I think you and this girl are on two different levels, the same page but in two different books. You said that she is mature in some ways but from what I read I think she is totally immature. Yes, yall was broken up but if she really love you why would she go out and mess around, even if she needed a break she would go out and have some clean fun.

She doesn't know what she really wants, she's hot then cold, you're not a yo-yo and she shouldn't play with your feelings like that. You need to be careful she may only hurt you again, some people don't realize what they have until they have already hurt too much times. I can't tell you if you should get back with her but if u do protect your heart and hold the keys cause obviously she's careless with them.

 

Good luck!!

[Outlaw2747]

I wish I could give good advice like that Luscious. Well spoken with the part about the keys. I think ym mistake was lending the keys to my heart too willingly or carelessly. But the thing is everything seems fine until the girl takes off that sheep's clothing and reveals her true form. In any case, hey man she is right, she is quite immature, and in my opinion she is still a KID due to her behavior. Friends and nothing more dude. I wouldn't get back with her until she can actually set her mind straight because alot of girls her age have no clue what they want. I wish you the best of luck man.

[Cecelius]

Not to be crass, but I think you have it reversed: be intimate (sexually, I mean) if that is what pleases you but do not date her (or at least, do actual activities and for fun but nothing else).

 

When she asks, and she will because she is so eager to have her ego propped up, tell her with a smile that everything is grand, and leave it at that.

 

Take the position that you care not whether she cheats on you, because you're not dating her and you have nothing emotionally invested in her.

 

If you can't keep that distance, then I would just dump her.

[Luscious]

When she asks about your actions I think she should let her know that your taking everything slow because she always leaves and come back and its hurts. So you don't wanna rush into anything. Remember you're not trying to hurt her but you wanna show her that your feelings matter just as much as her.

Being honest is always good, you shouldn't lead her on. If you want to be intimate with her you maybe sending her mix emotions and thats never good. So if you do decide to be intimate with her make sure thats what you want.