to all talented members!!! pls share your experience...

[bster]

I'm actually very new here on this site, and as I read though those posts, some of you are so intuitive and some can give great/inspiring advice! If it's really I'm "not alone", here is a story...

 

A boy meets a girl. He doesn everything to win her over. She responds, then they start seeing each other. He feels excited, and she feels smitten by his motivation. One day, he suddenly finds himself in a relationship and panice - sometimes he just needs some space to "miss" her: sometimes he's not ready: sometimes other options seems better and other times she's not the one. She asks what's going on. He says everything is fine and he still loves her. Then she's left wondering why he acts so different now...

 

Currently, I'm having problems with my bf of 2 years. I do wanna save our relationship if we can, but the last thing I wanna do is to nag him about it. I care enough for him to let him go if he thinks we are not meant to be, so we don't have to hurt each other unnecessary.

 

It would help me understand where I(or he) stand if I can learn more about male psychology. What made you decide to either go forward (agree to work it out) or go to an exit (break up)? What are the factors of your decisions?

 

Pls share your story... thax!

[redbelly]

First of all, women will never understand the psychology of a man, I don't care how much one may study it. It's the same way they will never understand us. If you feel as though you are no longer happy in the relationship, then it should be over. If you feel as though his feelings for you are not as deep as they could be, should be or used to be, then it should be over. If you only see him or talk to him when it's good for him, then it should be over. On the other hand, if you feel as though he is the one for you and you'd go through hell and high water to keep him because he's worth it and will APPRECIATE it in the end, then do what you have to do. If the situation is too hurtful for you to be in, then don't be in it. A lot of times, we as women, will do all that we can to keep a relationship surviving because we think that's how we want it to be or because we don't want to feel as though we failed. Sometimes, however, neither of those are the case. We want a relationship to survived because at the time we feel as though we can't live without the other person, and we never want to feel as though we failed because we tend to take things personally. People change, feelings change and I give you much credit for saying that you'd let him walk away if that's what he wants so no one has to get hurt. How do you feel about the relationship? Do you still want to be with him?

[bster]

thx for your reply, redbelly.

 

I was so close to "forever and ever" twice in my life. I was engaged long ago, but I called it off. I broke up with my 2nd love after 2 years. I loved them both very deeply, but I thought it was best to set them free. It sounds so cold now, but believe me, it was the hardest things I ever had to do. There are too many reasons why I see this way... my childhood, my parents, my very first sexual experience... As much as I wanted "save" a relationship, I ONLY knew how to "exit" when things got rough. ...and I not only hurt myself to death, I ended up hurting them both at the end...

 

I went thgouth few relationship after, but I didn't think I could ever love again. Then I met "him". He was sweet and very caring. I slowly started to open up to him. Somehow, he brings the best out of me and everything seems so easy when I'm around him. He said "I love you" after 6 months of dating, and now... I'm in love again. I do value our relationship and I think he may be the one... so YES, I do wanna be with him and I do wanna work it out.

 

But then... I really don't know how to "save" a relationship. I just know that any relationship needs good communication, trust, and balanced space. With recent situation, I wonder if he'll be happier without me. I just want him to be happy no matter what.

 

I agree with all you said about relationship, by the way.

 

It would help me understand more about relationship, about men, and most importantly, about myself if I hear what others went through and how they delt with.

 

Would you care to share your experience?

[redbelly]

bster, my experiece goes on for a mile and all that i've been through. i was wondering if we could talk more one on one. do you have aim or anything? or a private e-mail address?

[bster]

that would be great, but like i said, I'm very new here. Are all registered members get private e.mail adds? If so, how do I use mine? Or would I actually have to post my e.mail add here, which I don't wish to do...?

[bster]

anyone else wanna share any story? or am I alone here...?

[pcardoso]

Hi bster,

 

Believe me, you're not alone. My ex-broke up with me last December and to be truly honest I think we could have worked out. We were great as a couple but at the same time we were becoming very co-dependent on each other. To short a very long story I think he started to think I was "freezing" my life because of him and so made his mind. It was very hard (and still his) for me, because he didn't gave me a chance to decide decide what I want, but…

Now, since march, he is with another girl. I don't know if it's serious or just the famous "rebound" but although it's very painful I just want him to be happy, even though his happiness may be away from me.

Sometimes I feel I'll never see him again but at the same time I have this strong feeling that our story isn't over yet.

 

So, hang in there and don't forget whatever you and you're bf decide, You're Not Alone.

[su8260]

First of all bster, there's one thing i'd like to share with you. people, doesn't matter if it be guy or girl, do not fall out of love overnight. this feeling of 'falling out of love' happens gradually and there are usually RED FLAGS along the path to break-ups or 'confusion', which we choose not to look for until it's too late. you need to pay attention to the signs!

 

you say that you are now in your second year of relationship? examine carefully what you are doing diffrent now in your relationship than what you were doing when you first dated...

 

you said it yourself...guy meets girl...guy likes girl...guy does everything to win her over...

 

think about it....somewhere along the line of those two years, did he stop trying to 'win' you over? and why?

 

there may be many reasons, but trust me on this one...

 

you have now made it too easy for him and he no longer finds you CHALLENGING or 'ELUSIVE'. men STRIVE on challenges. they play sports, fight wars, hunt, etc.

 

take away the challenge and his interest fades. this also applies to relationships.

 

anyways, lets get back to your story...you're probably wondering..how have you become less challenging to him? [ i don't know much about him so we'll just focus on you]

 

to make matters simple...you've taken away his need to 'court' you. after dating for 2 years, you're probably thinking...we're a couple now who cares about whether he's courting me or not? am i right?

 

you two have become so comfortable with each other. you start getting careless..you don't bother much with your appearance, you always seem to 'be there' for him, you put aside your friends, hobbies, weekend plans so you could make time with/for him, etc, etc... Basically, you put your life on hold for him. THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE!

 

initially, he would love this because he wants you to give him all your attention. CAUTION! guys usually fall in love faster than girls. they also fall out of love faster too. scary...too much attention and caring will start to make him feel 'suffocated' then he's going to start feeling like he needs some space, alone or with his buddies, away from you. at this point is when he starts to call you less frequently. whereas, on your part you are probably calling him even more often. then you start nagging him about the quality of time he's spending with you, etc etc. word of advice here...NEVER NAG! it gets you nowhere and it'll only make him irritable and withdraw further away from you.

 

now, you're probably thinking...then what should i do?

 

the answer is simple really...but it's probably the hardest to do as well!

 

GIVE HIM SPACE... LET HIM MISS YOU! go do your own stuff in the meantime, anything, but not involving him.

 

when a guy communicates with you..you have to listen...he is telling you something here...

 

Trust me...when he starts 'missing' you again, he'll come around!

 

oftentimes, in your kind of situation here, many girls fail to listen and few months down the line i can garuantee you that he'll give you something that goes like this 'honey i love you but i'm just not IN LOVE with you anymore.' or 'we need to take a break and see other people' etc etc

 

in your case, after reading your post, i also feel that you kind of want to leave him. maybe it's your way of protecting yourself from the hurt again so you dump him first before he dumps you... that's an issue you should get help on..i'm not saying it's going to be easy...it could be a lifelong struggle....if you let it be... but to start tackling it, you need to acknowledge your problem first.

[bster]

Thx pcardoso,

 

for sharing and reassuring that I'm not alone here.

 

When I think of my relationship, I can see clearly how I misjudged certain situation and how I contributed to unhappy outcome. If I could go back to re-do it again, I know I would be able to do it better. But when I think of my on-going relationship, I can't really see what's best for both of us - me and him.

 

If you had a chance to do it all over again, how would you do it differently?

[pcardoso]

like the old saying "each case is a case" but i think i would probably had done what su8260 said: give him more space and let him miss me. I was always there, and was a big support (and i can say the same of him) but being so present made him think he hadn't the right to make me being trough all that.

Just an example: he always had a very agitated sleep (due to some panic attacks) and on the contrary I have what we could call a "light" sleep. So lately, he started to recriminate himself because it wasn't fair to me. It's very complicated.

But I'm sure of one thing… it was great and I don't regret any minute I spend with him.

I hope he can find some tranquillity and be happy… even tough I'm not there. Perhaps one day I'll be able to forget him… or may be he could find me again.

 

(my English is not famous; I hope you can understand)

[bster]

su8260,

 

WOW! What a great insight!! I knew some of you are talented here... (I'm really impressed!)

 

Most of the things you said is true... I was a real challenge to start with - not 'cuz I tried to play "hard to get", but 'cuz I like to take things slow.

 

Acutally, about 8 months ago, he said he was, what you said, "suffocated" in a relationship. He said he loved me very much but with the way he was feeling he didn't know what to do. I took it as a sign that the relationship was over, and I started doing things without him. It was very hard, but I focused on "moving on". I was also very careful not to reject him completely (this is one of many mistakes I made in the past). I didn't show any sign on interests in another guys (another mistake - though I never did). I love him so much.

 

2 weeks later, he came back and said he couldn't bare the thought of not having me at all forever, and I took him back (again, another mistake I made: I never ever gave another chance in the past). Everything has gone well since.

 

Recently, due to his big project at work, I've been doing all the wife-y stuff, like cooking, running his errands etc. I even felt guilty to have a girls-night-out while he had to work.

 

I'm not usually like that. He asked for it one night. He loved everything I did for him. He was loving, appreciative, and so wonderful to me. So I continue. Few weeks went by, and his attitude changed.

 

When I asked him if he felt "suffocated" again, he said no. He said he loves me very much and he doesn't wanna be with anyone else but me. But I can sense something is definitely wrong, then he goes, "I just need to spend some time with my friends to feel like a man (which I still don't really understand what it means)".

 

Anyway, I guess I totally misunderstand the nature of what "suffocated" means. I thought it meant he wants to see other people. Thx!

 

I think I've learnt from my own experience and doing things better than before, but still there are lot more for me to learn.

 

By the way, how do you handle your relationship when your partner starts paying too much attention to you? Do you tell her and explain how men's mind works?

[Kolgar]

I agree that even if a relationship is going well, each person still needs his or her space. In fact, having a little time and space to yourself can actually save relationships that would otherwise be in trouble.

 

I loved being with my ex, but I too needed time to myself. Time to go out and behave like a guy - drinking and doing the James-Dean-rebel-with-a-cause thing. Sometimes I'd want my friends around; othertimes I'd just want to be alone.

 

When I didn't get that time, I began to feel trapped, or suffocated. It made me want to get out of the relationship.

 

There's a balance there, I think. Everyone has their own, and some aren't compatible with others. That's my take, anyway!

 

Rob

[bster]

Thank you all for replying to my thread. It's been a while since I last posted, so I thought of putting some updates...

 

I have been making myself busy by doing "anything but NOT involving him" as su8260 suggested. Everytime I found myself reaching the phone, I called someone else. I survived a whole week without calling him.

 

...and guess what... he CALLED!

 

As much as I was angry and sad that it took him so long to suddenly remember I even exist, I did my best to sound happy. He asked what I've been up to, so I told him I've been busy at work but catching up with some old friends (which I did on the phone!) so my days had been pretty productive. He said he'd been busy at work, too, then he goes "Do you wanna catch up tonight?"

 

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I said, "I'd love to" in an exciting tone, then he finally said, "I really missed you"... That's what I wanted to hear!!!

 

So far, so good. But I'm little nearvous right now. I can fool myself on the phone, but I don't know if I can "act" happy in person...

 

Anyway, I'll see what happens and will update you on that.

 

By the way, to "KOLGAR", when you began to feel trapped or suffocated, what did you do? In another word, in your opinion, are there any signs indicating that a guy is itchy to get out?

 

Meantime, anyone else in a similar situation wanna share your experience?

[Kolgar]

By the way, to "KOLGAR", when you began to feel trapped or suffocated, what did you do? In another word, in your opinion, are there any signs indicating that a guy is itchy to get out?

 

Hi, bster. When I began to feel a bit suffocated, I simply rolled with the punches. I was in a relationship, and I understood that that means compromise. In other words, it entails doing things for the person you're with even if you don't always feel like doing them.

 

But then, I would always make it a point to set aside time for myself. Maybe I'd take a night off and tell her that I was hooking up with my friends. (I did this rarely.) Mostly I took care to do things I wanted to do early in the week, when we didn't often see each other.

 

But that was my last relationship, and it worked very well.

 

Previous relationships weren't always so simple. When I began to feel suffocated, I think my discomfort was clear. If only the girl had cared enough to look at me, I think she would have seen it. I withdrew a little. I was less attentive. I listened less closely when we had conversations.

 

Oh my - my friend from Australia just called - she's a cutie with a hot accent - so I'm afraid I must be going... but I'll continue this post later if I can! 8)

 

Kolgar