They just might come back.

[a.d.c.]

I keep reading other posts where people say things like " She's back with her ex now".

 

To you people who are in a situation like that I do feel truly sorry for you all since it must be tough to compete with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

But at the same time I have to thank you all because quotes like those actually give me(and i'm guessing others in my situation) some hope that our ex's will come back to us even if their talking with someone new.

 

I don't know.

Does anyone else in my situation see where I'm coming from??

 

It's just something I noticed right now as I was reading other people's topics concerning that issue. I guess I'm looking at it from another point of view.

[Hope75]

I see where you're coming from.

 

Just be nice if the ex was me, and if it was for the right reasons..... and I'm working on that.....

[Switch187]

Yeah I see were your coming from and I've been in that situation earlier. Both my g/f and I were sorta seeing other people when we broke up (she went on one date with a guy she knew a couple years ago, and I was talking/seeing a few girls from my past as well) but this just led us back to each other. The whole time I had that same hope you did (about my g/f coming back to me even though she met this other guy) and sure enough it became a reality. It takes work though (we went back and forth between NC and "just friends" for a month) and it only really works if both people want it to happen. We both really just wanted some time to "think" about things and figure out how to grow from the mistakes we made during our relationship. I must say though, the relationship is a lot stronger now since we both were able to realize the things that weren't working in our past relationship, and were able to make a "new" relationship for us now. Don't give up your hope, but don't dwell on it either. If it was ment to happen it will.

[ticklebug]

sure, their ex's are back with a previous bf or gf...but ask them in 6 months if that is the case still. 9 times out of 10 the reunion isn't permanent.

 

you go back because you have regrets on how it ended...but the problems normally are still there.

 

Just be very careful with your heart...

[RayKay]

It is far less common though for them to "come back" and for it to work out...unless the problems have been dealt with together and you have new guidelines for future issues, and you can let go of the past and treat it like a new relationship. This is very tough to do.

 

Once it ends, it is hard to start over fresh, and it remains true I think that ex's are ex's for a reason. We can still love them, miss them and have them in our lives, but it is very hard to have them back the way we want them to be and it is most often best for us to heal ourselves and move on. Something better awaits around the corner.

 

Of course every situation is different and I do know couples who have reunited and are more committed now...but it is rare.

[panchala23]

you guys tease

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

ex's are ex's for a reason

 

I HATE this saying. As if the world were perfect and every breakup makes absolute sense. Sometimes an ex becomes an ex for one reason alone: circumstance. The world is not fair. If it were it would be obvious never to reunite with an ex, but it's not that easy.

[cassiana]

My ex is an ex because of circumstance. Hes been single since he dumped me almost nine months ago. I have dated three men since. I'm dating a new guy for almost as long as I dated my ex. If his circumstance changed I hope he will come back to me. He's going travelling until april/ He will be travelling alone. I think he sees himself as a loner but he was only ever alone once when he went to LA for about 10 days which he later described as madness. So i'm hopinh that the travel will give him back his strength after his illness but also make him realise that even the lone ranger had a mate. I'm also hoping that I made a sufficient impression on him that he will come back to me. Am I dreaming?

[panchala23]

If we are dreaming then what's the point of waking up?

[ticklebug]

cassiana

 

yes, actually...because you are setting yourself up for a specific goal...

If that happens...you are going to be sorely disappointed. Just because he didn't like being in LA isn't going to change his perspective on his choice of lifestyle.

 

Yes even the lone ranger had a mate, but that is fictional television. Not every person on this earth is programmed to be in a monogomus forever relationship with someone. You can be surrounded by a roomful of people but still be a "loner".

[jnelson]

I'm not sure how I would feel if my ex was with someone else and then wanted to come back to me...I mean, I definitely would like to be with her now but if she was with someone and then wanted to come back it would be a lot harder to deal with. I know that while you are apart you are free to do what you want, but it doesn't make it any easier when you try and get back together....

[panchala23]

I have those same issues, but I think the main problem I have is more physical than mental. I just don't like thinking about her with somebody else, but I think that is something we would get over pretty quickly After all, what we are in love with the most is their personality.

[cassiana]

Dear Ticklebug

 

While it is true that there are loners, there are also people who think they are loners when they are not. My brother was keen to live in another country and thinks he has itchy fet but he was folling himself and we all knew it but he wouldn't listen. He gave up his job and everything and moved. Six months later he was desperately homesick and now is trying to get back. I think my ex is also fooling himself with the loner business. He likes to be by himself, don't we all, but hes no loner. He spent ten days alone in L.A and he didn't enjoy it. Then one day he had a train journey to make and asked me to take it with him, for what? for company. Now he proposes to travel for three months alone, a guy with chronic fatigue syndrome trekking around the world alone for three months.

As for a specific goal, Ive had people telling me that knowing what you want is half the battle. I also heard that if you try hard enough you can achieve anything. Is that just crap?

[Recovering_Lover]

Ticklebug,

 

I have read your comments most of the time, I must say, your outlook 100% of time is very cynical....you seem to believe that you are speaking reality. But in my perspective live isn't 100% like the way you dictate it to be.

 

Relationships happen, break, part, patch back.. all becoz of multiple reasons.... and your believe that people who break off would never get back is just one of your cynical outlook of life. Your bias view , in my opinion you think, whatever you're saying is the "Truth" and that truth hurts and you got take it.

 

Two people who meet at the wrong time would always end up breaking up becoz they have issues to resolve . These two people who meet later can get back togather again and have a wondefful and lost lasting relationship, if they are ready and want to have a long lasting relationship, its based on the individuals and not some mambo jumbo that, becoz you were in a relationship before with the person, you cannot be with the person again.

 

My lst ex g/f got back with me long time ago, after many years, but we couldn't carry not becoz, we didn't love each other becoz, circumstance led it to be, what is the circustance, I was going to one part of the world and she was going to another.

 

Another of my ex wanted to get back to me also, becoz at the time she broke off, she was not ready to settle down, but after her experiences and per chance I met her, we got back togather, but I was moving away from that country to another. Cirumstance again.

 

My cuz met this woman whom he fell in love with, but couldn't get married becoz she was off another religion...and both the parents objected.....later he married another and the marriage broke down....and few years later...he met the same woman and this time, they fell in love again and got married and now just had their 1st kid.... doesn't matter religion etc..it was love .... and this guy vovwed never to get married at all...and never wanted a child....

 

Love and relationships are complex, or else the most brilliant of minds, would have develop patterns ( which is how the world works) that people can follow to fal lin love etc...

 

The most brilliant of minds cannot figure love out...but it seems you have figure one part of it. that people who have loved and left can never get back...

 

I for one do not subscribe to your cynical views. I believe , there must be a good balance of both ...and not one bias view.

 

There is no pattern in the world that one can use to predict what would happen to a love.

 

Thank you.

 

Happy New Year . 2005

[ticklebug]

Relationships happen, break, part, patch back.. all becoz of multiple reasons.... and your believe that people who break off would never get back is just one of your cynical outlook of life. Your bias view , in my opinion you think, whatever you're saying is the "Truth" and that truth hurts and you got take it.

 

recovering...

 

no, you are incorrect. I don't think that it will never work, I find it rare, yes...but I do not subscribe to putting your life on hold, lying in wait for the other person to change their mind, becoming depressed/obsessed...allowing your life to become solely wrapped around the idea of getting someone back. Playing games and trying to force someone to see you have changed, or expect them to suddenly wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are. That is completely unhealthy.

 

If it is meant to be so be it...but making it your one goal or eles you will never be happy again? Sorry, I won't ever agree that is the best way to go.

 

cassiana -

 

when it comes to "acheiving in life what you want"...that is about PERSONAL goals...things about yourself, success for YOU personally. Security in and of yourself. You can't make someone love or want you no matter how much you want it. If it is meant to be so be it, but you can't MAKE it happen.

 

You find the idea of this guy trekking around the world rediculous...well, it's somethig in life he wants to achieve...it's for him and him alone...regardless of his obstacles...you seem to think he would be better off staying home, being taken care of by you and allowing himself to BE his illness. Who are you to dictate how he should live his life?

 

Wanting to have friends around occasionally and wanting a relationship are two totally separate things. Stop combining the two. Just because he enjoys your company on a friendship level every so often, or want to be around other people at times...does not mean he's ready to give up his heart to anyone. It's quite obvious he still has some things he wants to accomplish in his life before he even considers a life with anyone. He has different priorities than you and it is something you need to accept.

 

As I said to recovering, if it's meant to be...fine...but let it takes it's OWN course. Don't stop living your life while waiting for him to live his. It may NOT lead back to you.

[PrincessLinzay]

but I do not subscribe to putting your life on hold, lying in wait for the other person to change their mind, becoming depressed/obsessed...allowing your life to become solely wrapped around the idea of getting someone back. Playing games and trying to force someone to see you have changed, or expect them to suddenly wake up and realize what a wonderful person you are. That is completely unhealthy.

 

I have to agree with Ticklebug.

 

~Recovering~

 

I can understand how you might interpret Ticklebug's posts as cynical. But I have been a follower of her posts as well, and I think her intentions are really just to help people focus of the most important facet of their lives. THEMSELVES.

 

I have seen posts in which Ticklebug advocates a reconciliation. Although it is not often, it seems to be in cases where the person involved is clearly okay with being alone. (they are independent and have recovered from their "neediness" of another person to be happy)

 

It's not about, once you're broken up, you're broken up. It's really about, okay, you might get back together. But don't let it be the end all be all of your existence. Focus on you, and everything else will follow. After all, if you don't respect and love yourself, why should anyone else?

 

I like to think that people can get back together. That things might work out and two people once so deeply in love, can find happiness. But Im also realistic about the probability of it happening. Almost always when a relationship ends, it's not mutual. Someone cares more, and wants to be back together, but sometimes the other person really has just fallen out of love. It is indeed hard to accept. Who wants to believe that someone has fallen out of love with them, especially with all the memories of fervent protestations of love?

 

It genuinely pulls my heartstrings when I see someone pining away after a lost love that in all likelihood won't return. People planning their lives in the event that someone will come back to them. Refusing to accept things for what they are, and living constantly in the past. I also think this is not healthy.

 

I want everyone to be happy, and in this aspect, the most important thing is make yourself happy.

[RayKay]

ex's are ex's for a reason

 

I HATE this saying. As if the world were perfect and every breakup makes absolute sense. Sometimes an ex becomes an ex for one reason alone: circumstance. The world is not fair. If it were it would be obvious never to reunite with an ex, but it's not that easy.

 

Even circumstance is a reason though....how do some people choose to stay together through circumstance and others don't?

 

Some people stay together for long distance, others don't..some move to be with their partner so that is not "circumstantial" in my opinion - there are ways to overcome it.

 

Not being ready to me is not "circumstantial" either...if someone great comes accross your path...trust me, you are ready no matter how jaded you are.

 

Being too busy to have a partner is not "circumstantial"..that is someone just not thinking you are a priority..that is a darn good reason!

 

Even with circumstance, if a person is wanting the relationship a way will be found....where there is a will there is a way.

 

The reason does not have to make sense to you...and people DO get back together, but there was a reason for the break in any case, and if there is a reconciliation it needs to be a fresh start. I just think that if someone chose to not be with you at one time, that is reason enough to move on. A relationship is a commitment to one another through "circumstances" and whatever "reasons". Once they break that commitment, I question their long-term commitment to someone they are supposed to love.

[Recovering_Lover]

Hi Ticklebug and Liz,

 

I in no way am saying, that you should beg, cry, do stupid things to try and get back your ex. If thats the message you got accross, I am sorry, that is not what I was advocating at all.

 

What I was trying to say, you advice i to everyone is very cynical and negative, you believe the only cause of action is to stop all contact and forget the person.

 

I do not believe in that view of yours. I believe there are possibilties of getting back togather, depending on the particular reason for the break off.

 

I believe, a person should try to understand why someone broke off with you. If there is any resolution to the break up. Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't.

 

In my last ex case, she didn't want to tell me the reason, and I didn't beg, cry, or anything of that matter. I just called her and emailed her to see if we can possiblity sit down face to face and have a talk to understand what the problem is. She didn't want too. I tried a couple of times and then I stopped.

 

A lot of people advocate, you should not contact the person at all, but I believe, you should try to contact and see if the person is willing to talk and resolve things with you. If after you have tried and the person is not willing then you should respect the person wish and stop contacting the person.

 

 

To make a relationship work, you need communication and a lot of hard work. sometimes, it is selfless work, if you want a relationship ot work. Just becoz, one party is behaving improperly, due to emotions , confusion and what have you, doesn't mean that you should act the same way, and not contact the person.

 

There is no such thing as , if it was meant to be. Relationships are not natural phenomena. They need a lot of work. There will always be problems, you just don't walk away, you try to resolve them, the best you can.

 

Pride should not be the cause of you not contacting the person. If you know yourself well enough, you know you're trying your best and in no way are you losing self respect. If by trying to resolve things, you are losing self-respect. I don't mind that.

 

In the end, when I leave, I know I have tried my best to resolve things and have worked hard at maintaining the relationship.

 

I believe in NC, but only after you have tried your best in resolving the problem. NC is when you know you have given it all, and now you can move on. I don't struggle in NC, becoz, my mind is clear and my heart knows that there is nothing more I can do.

 

Do I feel like calling her and tlaking to her, Yes? but do I call no? how come? Becoz, both my mind and heart knows that I have tried my best and I would only be disrespecting my ex's wishes if I continued to call.

 

So, I apologise if I disagree with your negative views and your course of advice.

 

R.L.

[Recovering_Lover]

Ray you write:

Not being ready to me is not "circumstantial" either...if someone great comes accross your path...trust me, you are ready no matter how jaded you are.

 

That is not true in my view. Sometimes, some people realize that they lost someone great, only after the person has left.

 

 

Even with circumstance, if a person is wanting the relationship a way will be found....where there is a will there is a way.

 

Only when both people are ready to work at maintaining the relationship.

[cassiana]

Circumstance is a reason for breaking up sure but its not a good one. Yes some people hold on because of circumstance but maybe they were further along in the relationship and communication was better. Timing ends alot of potential relationships. Timeing isn't always a valid reason either. Some people believe in fate. I do not. I believe that if you sit and take it then more will be thrown at you. Some breakups can be saved and some cannot. The trick is knowing one from the other.

[RayKay]

Even with circumstance, if a person is wanting the relationship a way will be found....where there is a will there is a way.

 

Only when both people are ready to work at maintaining the relationship.

 

That was my point exactly. If someone is not willing to work on it....then you are worth more than that...then it is time to move on. Them not finding a way shows that they are not as into it as you are..and you deserve more.

[RayKay]

Ray you write:

Not being ready to me is not "circumstantial" either...if someone great comes accross your path...trust me, you are ready no matter how jaded you are.

 

That is not true in my view. Sometimes, some people realize that they lost someone great, only after the person has left.

 

 

 

 

Right, but then when they come back it will sound like:

 

"I messed up, I am sorry and I want to make this work together..let's talk, go to counselling..whatever."

 

It will NOT sound like:

 

"I am not sure...I want you, I don't want you...can you babysit my dog..."

 

There is a poster on here who has a quote Trueheart I think..."Someone who deserves you knows exactly your worth" (paraphrased). Someone who deserves you does need to leave to know you are worth it.

[cassiana]

I have heard so many stories, and have seen them first hand amongst my friends of guys especially (because guys dont confide as much so they may see it often but don't talk) going away only to realise what they had. My best friend reconciled with her ex in october after 2 years. Her cousin just married a guy who dumped her for nine months. Maybe its like learning something new and scarey. You need to go away, think and absorb and then you realise that you want to come back. I feel there's a chance my ex will come back because we had such a close happy easy relationship. I also fear that he may not come back. I just don't know either way.

[Recovering_Lover]

If someone wants to break up with you, they will. No matter what the reason is.