I really don't know what's best for my son. Please help!

[mindless14]

My children's father and I split up a couple of months ago. He moved out of my house about a month and a half ago, and has a girlfriend. We have a 4 year old, and each have him 3 and half days a week. When my ex has him, he sleeps at his parent's house, but spends the days with his girlfriend and her kids. However, they do not do anything in front of the kids, (kissing, hugging) and have not explained that this is daddy's girlfriend/mommy's boyfriend. She is also very recently split from her childrens father. (They both left their relationships at the same time and got together almost immediately after moving out.) Prior to all of this, they were friends, and our kids frequently played together. My son already knew her as his friend's mom, we babysat her kids, etc. My son is very very smart, and I think knows something is different. He knows his dad lives with her on the days that he is at home with me. But he still says that she's just his friends mom and that Daddy and her are friends. I am due in 2 weeks with our second child. My ex is going to move back in with me for about 2 months, or until I go back to work to help care for the new baby, and to spend time with him because we agreed that until I'm back at work,(at which time the baby would've been with a sitter anyway), he is too young to be going back and forth. So now, I'm left wondering, is it going to be ok for my 4 year old to move in with dad's girlfriend after I go back to work and my ex leaves my house again permanently? He currently stays at his parents those days, but like I said, they're at his girlfriends house from the time he wakes up until bedtime. Using his parent's house basically as a place to sleep. Will the change of coming back home everyday, having Dad at home again, then leaving home again, moving into dad's girlfriends house (where he will go from being an only child to one of 4 kids) on top of starting to see this woman as his dad's girlfriend be too much for him? How should we handle this? Is it more damaging for him to be bouncing back to Grandmas every night just to sleep? Will he see this as his 2nd home, the way I feel he would if his Dad had his own place? Or will he feel like he's always spending the night at a friends house? I don't want him feeling stressed, overwhelmed, confused, or feeling a lack of stability. Also, there are issues with my ex's parent's. They are not very nice to my ex, and do so in front of our son at times. It was an amicable split, and we remain close friends, but they are constantly degrading him and telling him how horrible he is for leaving, how hes hurting his kids, etc. Thats the main reason for the rush on moving in with the girlfriend. Please help! I'm really very clueless here.

[RedDress]

Ok. What I am about to say will hurt a lot at first - but in the long run it will save you A LOT of strife (and possibly money and hurt feelings and lawyer time, etc).

 

One of the hardest things about divorce is this. What your ex chooses to do with your son when he is not with you is not your concern. Ack! I know, right?? But unless he is abusing them or not feeding them, no one wants to hear about it. A judge won't listen. No one will decide custody based on that. Your ex (and especially his new gf) will feel controlled and resentful which can start a whole nasty feud. I know you feel you have a right to an opinion as it's your Child... but... Your ex has the final word on what happens. You know... it's incredibly hard... but I don't even think you should decide "what's best" because you can't enforce it and that will drive you CRAZY!

 

What you do have control over is your ex staying with you for two months. If you are asking my opinion, I think this is a bad idea. It will be confusing to the child (your child will wonder if he's permanently back and have to go through it again when he leaves again). It makes sense that you don't want to travel with a little one. Dad should come to the house for visits. You will certainly need some help with the 4 year old... do you have a mom, a sister or a friend who can come and be supportive instead?

 

I think it will be confusing for all (yourself included with the little baby and wanting to be a family)... and really... if dad left you while pregnant... he doesn't get to spend that extra quality time with baby, IMO. Little ones like that need to be breastfed, etc. - so visitation lasts an hour or two at a time on a daily basis. That's it.

 

That's how I would handle it... but it's hard.... for sure... definitely easier said than done.

[mindless14]

My ex and I have stayed very close since the split, and my son sees it and seems ok with it. He actually seems to be an overall happier kid since we split. I think he sees that we are both generally less stressed, he's not seeing us argue, etc. His dad still comes over to help me with things, being that I'm pregnant, he's put the crib together, moved furniture, been here for the baby shower and our sons birthday, been at every dr. apt. We still do certain things together with our son, such as his recent birthday (we have a tradition of going to the zoo). We tell him everytime that either, dad will be going home after he helps with this, or after we go here, or you will be going with dad after this. When my ex is here, we make a point to say, Dad is coming over to help mom with this. Sometimes he stays for a few, as we get talking or whatever. And he seems to be fine with it. He'll sometimes ask, when am I going with Dad/Mom, or when Dad leaves is he bringing me. Things like that. We really have remained basically best friends. The split came as a general realization that we are not in love and just basically not compatible anymore. It's made it a lot easier on our son I think. We've been preparing him for Dad moving back in since he left. We've told him, after the baby is born, Mommy will need a lot of help, so Dad will be coming here to help out, just like he does now, but will be sleeping here for a while because the baby will be up a lot at night and Mommy will need help at night also. He really does seem to understand and accept it. He's not your typical 4 year old. He's taken this 1000x better than I ever could have imagined, and doesn't even really have a lot of questions.

We're leaving court completely out of this because we are so understanding of each other and work together really well to do what is best for the kids. He actually just spent 2 hours on the phone with me discussing whether or not this was the right decision. He told me that I absolutely have final say and if I'm not comfortable with it he will not do it. I'm not worried about the environment or anything like that. He's a great father, and as much as I hate to admit it, she's great with my son also and he does like her and her kids. I guess I'm being a little selfish because I'm worried a lot about him starting to see that as a family and then not wanting to come back to me because it's just me and him and he won't like that as much. And him staying with his grandparents, really isn't a good environment. My ex's parents try to basically parent for him, try to take my son as their own, in really a very negative and almost controlling and scary way. He has to sleep on an air mattress on the floor in his uncles room while there. My ex's parents are not very good parents themselves, and to be honest, even when we were together, neither of us were ever very comfortable with him being there because of things like this. It's just the only other option for him to have a place to stay at the moment. Logically, I guess the best and safest place for my son to be when he's with dad is at her house, because it's stable, and will be seen as "Dad's house" and not just, "I sleep on grandma's floor on the days I visit dad". And all the negative things that go on at my ex's parents house he will now be without. I just wish this had been a slower transition. I worry that he will not be as happy with me because he has friends to play with at Dad's house or because he has a family unit there. His dad, someone in a mom role. Here it's just me and him, every day. Am I being crazy? Overbearing?

[Iggles]

I think you guys are doing an admirable job of co-parenting.

 

There are no easy answers. You're pregnant with your Ex's baby and he's already has a girlfriend. It's going be complicated. If your Ex is the best person to help when the baby comes, then do that. It will be confusing for your 4 year old but he will adjust as long as you both keep the lines of communication open with him.

 

Best of luck!