nigirl Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Hi, Myself and my partner broke up after nearly four years, we were friends first, he was coming out of a loveless marriage and I helped support him.enormously.. His wife was very upset when she learned that he had known me before he left, and threatened to tell his children I was the reason for his marriage breakdown.. So we both agreed to keep our relationship from them and my family until his girls adjusted to him and their mother separating... We live a distance apart, made every effort to make us work, were perfect together, he even met my eldest son , introduced as a friend ect... I suffer from depression , have been well for years, until a few months ago, he did know a little but not the extent of my illness, I took courage and told him, and he broke off our relationship.. We kept contact , it was strained but tried to stay friends.. I was determined to move forward in honesty,and told him via mail that I was finding it hard to adjust to the shift in our relationship, he demanded that I remove him from FB as a friend, he wasn't waiting for me to get well, had a phobia about mental health issues and was going to try dating sites... I did as asked , but am devastated, looking back I supported him when his family abandoned him, loved him when others judged, now I feel like I was just a stepping stone to another woman, whom his family would accept... I loved this man, the hurt is unreal, I try to fill my day but can't avoid thinking of him sharing his life with another woman.. How can he move on so quickly ,after four years.. Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 It will hurt like Hell but the facts are that he's a rat and you are better off without him. Please sort your depression out and see your doctor as soon as possible. Take care and good luck. Link to comment
yazlene Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I understand completely what you are feeling...I was having suicidal thoughts last weekend just because my medication needed to be upped....get on your meds and if he can use this as an excuse to do what he has done...then you need to realize he is not the person you have been loving...that person is gone...after you get your medication straight you will feel better and see things clearer... I am going through the same thing and am choosing NC to keep my dignity....it will get better Link to comment
Iggles Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 OP, you were duped by this guy when you agreed to a secret relationship "for the kids" to adjust.. In reality, he was using you as a crutch. If he was serious about you, he would have made the relationship official no matter what his ex-wife said. He would have explained the situation to his family and friends and let the chips fall where they may. Clearly, you weren't important enough to him right out the gate. Your depression was a convenient excuse for him to break off the relationship and look for someone else, now that he has recovered from his divorce. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Next time, don't try to "help" someone through a bad relationship or break up. In most cases they have unresolved feelings about the ending of the relationship they need to work out and end up rebounding with the first person they date -- using them for companionship, sex, as a therapist, etc -- and once they don't need them anymore they kick them to the curb.. Look for men who are emotionally available and very more single without a recent Ex hovering around! Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Thats what you get for messing with a married man. Link to comment
Matt Matt Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 He's was never serious about you. The "phobia" is an excuse. Hiding someone for FOUR years is... Cruel. In four years his family never adjusted? Unfortunately, you're spot on with the stepping stone metaphor. He used you as an emotional crutch. For a very long time. Now, he's healed and is off to victimize more unsuspecting women. You deserve better. Find an available partner. Have you heard the expression "by hook or by crook, you'll lose them the same way you caught them". Stay away from married men. Whatever bs their selling, don't buy it. RUN. Consider this. If you were unlucky enough to buy the bs and marry the SOB... In four Years he'd b telling someone new his wife was a tyrant and his marriage was loveless Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Thats what you get for messing with a married man. I can understand how you can reason this, but his marriage was over years ago, he and his wife had gone through counselling and were even after he left , they had counselling.. During this stage we had no Contact, as I didn't want going to let him be swayed by my presence in his life.. They now have a friendship, however it's based on him not disclosing my existence until she feels the time is right... Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Thanks for all the replies, honestly they are appreciated... Sometimes friends can only see my side, strangers see the bigger picture.. I used to wonder if I was a crutch, as he was less emotionally strong than myself, often it was me he turned too... As for his phobia, perhaps my fear of disclosing my illness was due to the terminology he often used when discussing mental health.. His claiming he was sorry he couldn't emotionally support me is because he is emotionally immature, no man in his early fifties would think it was okay to inform their ex of only a few months that he was going to internet date... Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 It will hurt like Hell but the facts are that he's a rat and you are better off without him. Please sort your depression out and see your doctor as soon as possible. Take care and good luck. Thank you.. Have a wonderful Doc, already on my way to full recovery , my family and friends are giving me huge love and support... Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 I understand completely what you are feeling...I was having suicidal thoughts last weekend just because my medication needed to be upped....get on your meds and if he can use this as an excuse to do what he has done...then you need to realize he is not the person you have been loving...that person is gone...after you get your medication straight you will feel better and see things clearer... I am going through the same thing and am choosing NC to keep my dignity....it will get better Thanks, can totally relate to how you felt. As I get stronger, I think it will become clearer, just how easy it is to let ourselves be hurt by others actions.. Just a hard lesson lesson to learn, at an already low period in my life.. Link to comment
kilo5050 Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Have you ever thought about what you did to his family? Sure he and his wife had issues, but, was it your place to be a part of him tearing his family apart? You contributed to the demise of his family. That's a big deal. Divorce is so common place in this day and age. All of us truly want unconditional love. Instead, we chase a "high" that we get from people other that working on the "love" we already have. Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Have you ever thought about what you did to his family? Sure he and his wife had issues, but, was it your place to be a part of him tearing his family apart? You contributed to the demise of his family. That's a big deal. Divorce is so common place in this day and age. All of us truly want unconditional love. Instead, we chase a "high" that we get from people other that working on the "love" we already have. From the day I met this man until the day we parted, I constantly thought of his family... I was the person willing to never be accepted by his children, his extended family ect.....Although he was adamant that meeting me was not the reason for the breakdown in his marriage, ultimately I would have borne the brunt of their anger.. I went along with the secrecy, to help protect his relationship with his children, I even refused to let him get to know mine , until the time was right... Why??..I never wanted them to live our lie, imagine if all of them had met and my children had to hide the fact they knew him.. Now from time began, the other woman always gets the blame, regardless of the circumstances, and I always accepted this, why? Because I thought our love was mutual, capable of withstanding any problem... I was wrong, can see now , his love was merely on the surface, he was simply trying to replace the lack of love and intimacy lacking in his marriage.. When I needed support, he didn't come through , okay fine, but he owed me enough to treat me with respect.. Informing a person coming out of a deep depression, that you have a phobia , inform the woman you once claimed to love that you intend internet dating, as you can't be alone , is gut wrenching.. I didn't come here to seek sympathy, just advice on how to move on.. If you wish to judge me , fine, I can respecly deal with that.. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Keeping you a secret for four years should have been a huge red flag. Keeping you at arms length suggests he was making it easy to come in and out of your life as he pleased. The chances are he was doing that with his ex-wife too. Things weren't going well with his marriage and, as had already been said, it is likely that he used you as an emotional crutch whilst leaving his wife and has continued to do so without making your relationship official. The fact that he left so easily reiterates that he was never serious about you. Can someone really have a phobia about mental illness? I can understand that it may be daunting, especially if it is something he really doesn't understand himself … but a phobia? Now he is demanding that you remove him from FB … what a complete and utter jerk! He is a cheater and a user and you will be far better off without him. It is impossible to be friends with someone you love and if you really are determined to move on then it will be in your best interest not to be friends with him or not to have any contact with him. In that respect it is better for you to remove him from Facebook for your sake, despite how douchey he was about asking you to do so and telling you he was going on dates etc. It is hard but you can move on. Keep on reminding yourself what a prize jerk he is and that any woman who ends up with him isn't going to have a pleasant ride …. far from it, in fact. As has also been said, look after yourself now and be thankful that you dodged this bullet! Link to comment
fed up Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Im going through a similar situation, only Im the one who left my marriage and kept him, my BF, a secret. I was unofficially separated but in the same house, and when I started my affair with BF (even though he vehemently denied it was an affair) I wanted to wait one year to see where our new relationship was going before I would come out of the closet with him. It must have been painful for him to be a secret, but some of his behaviours (anger, alcohol, not working) became issues that I did not want to introduce into my sons life until I was 100 per cent sure. Being kept a secret must be an awful feeling, and it is my belief now that relationships borne of infidelity (to whatever degree, even if marriage is technically dead) will bring out issues of trust, questions of character, etc. I loved this man very very very much but our issues became focal in relationship and when it came time to truly work on them, he started to back off and leave me frustrated sad and insecure. I am quite depressed now. No longer have a husband, or a BF. Time to face my issues alone. The reason I shared this with you is because I don't think your situation had the healthiest start...whether he used you as crutch or not, only he knows. Be strong for you now. I know you really loved him. Stay strong. Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks for reply..... Yes it is possible to remain friends with exes, but only if you like them, having or still loving another person can be accomplished... Yet only if you like them, and honestly, I doubt if I am capable of likeing anyone who uses terminology such as phobia when breaking off contact with them.. I guess it's about mutual respect, if friends don't have this, then best to leave the relationship in the past.... As for his asking me to remove him as a friend, I did so immediately, testimony to my maturity , and in all honesty, perhaps his ego is somewhat larger than both his mind and heart.... Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Thank you for your honesty... I have and will continue to face my issues, for the rest of my life, and you will too... Hurt makes us stronger, I somehow managed to raise my beautiful children into fine young adults on my own for years and this despite having mental health issues for fourteen years... I truly hope you find the strength to deal with your sadness and hurt, and if I can be of any help, please let me know.. Link to comment
nigirl Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Just spent a few hours gathering together all his letters, cards, gifts ect...I had one last look then placed them into a small suitcase, locked the case and placed it in the attic.... I feel a tiny bit better, there is no point in having to look at reminders if they can be avoided... I am not ready to even think of new relationships, am going to take time to heal properly, and find a way forward in peace .... Link to comment
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