I want to die..

[Lily04]

The possibility of failure is too much for me; I really don't want to live anymore. I've been deluding myself with grandeur visions of law school, or grad school when it's not going to get any better. I might transfer to a different school, but it won't matter much. I just don't want to try anymore, I don't want to acknowledge failure any further. I don't know if I will be able to do it, but I know I don't want to live anymore. I think I need help, although I don't know who to talk to. No one really understands me. It is a selfish act because my family would be devastated, along with a few friends, but I really don't want to live. Typing this is simply an acknowledgement of my recognition of failure, frustration and feeling of dejection. The only way I will be content with life is if I have a challenging and satisfying job, and by the looks of it, I'm not even sure if I'll make graduation. I just want out. It may be a narrow view, but only if I can turn my life around can I be happy and I'm not sure if I can do that. I've tried in the past and it didn't happen; the probability for future success is just as slim. I want out.

[GreatGuy]

What if someone came to you out of nowhere and said: "Sparrow, deal with these tests....and I promise you will have a wonderful life, full of things you cannot see at this moment...all I ask you is to have faith in Me, but more important faith in YOU!! You're stronger than you think that is why these tests are meant for you. My money is on you that you will come out of this Stronger, look back and smile knowing that you're a Warrior battle tested"!!

 

.....Believe me .....if I told you about my life story....you'd cry and cry hard for me....but here I am .....I cannot even believe that I am here honored to give you a few words to encourage you during these challenging times.

 

wow......

[Mentor]

Hi Sparrow,

 

How long have you felt like this?

 

PM me if you would like to talk more....

 

Ian

[Lily04]

I think now would be a good time for me to start attending church..I used to be quite religious or spiritual at least around my pre-teens, when I was most down and questioning a lot of things. I don't think I'll ever really be religious (I'm too much of a skeptic), but Confession always helped me a bit, and I think talking to a priest might help at least, because they never pass judgement, and that is what I need right now.

[Mentor]

Religion can be a great place to find meaning in your life.

 

Do you have access to counselling through your school's Health Service? That might be an option if you want someone non-judgemental to listen.

[Lily04]

Thanks Mentor & Great guy,

 

I think the problem in the past was that I was too optimistic. People always told me I was smart. But now I'm failing. I might not be a lawyer. And I might not get into graduate school. There's some obstacles I might not be able to surpass. At the same time I don't know what else I can do with my life. I wouldn't be happy doing anything else..I can try my best but I've screwed up so much already it seems unsalvagable.

 

Mentor I've felt like this since around this time last year, my first year of university.

[boredguy]

hey sparrow

im pretty sure most ppl go thru wat u are going thru in life at some point or the other. its all a matter of how we deal with the crap life throws at us. u can survive this. u will come out of this being a stronger person. i remember once when i was going thru some hard times myself someone once told me:

"Its better to walk thru sh*t than to live in it."

i knw the language is harsh(sorry moderators); but the point gets accross doesnt it?

Nobody said life was going to be easy sparrow. in fact, at times we all think: lifes a b*tch. but in the end it all comes down to this. Its our life, and how we live it will define who we are and will be in the future. stay strong sparrow, u are not alone.

ps: PM me if u need to talk.

[Mentor]

I think the problem in the past was that I was too optimistic. People always told me I was smart. But now I'm failing. I might not be a lawyer. And I might not get into graduate school. There's some obstacles I might not be able to surpass. At the same time I don't know what else I can do with my life. I wouldn't be happy doing anything else..I can try my best but I've screwed up so much already it seems unsalvagable.

 

Mentor I've felt like this since around this time last year, my first year of university.

 

Sparrow,

 

You might be in a depression. Please seriously consider going to your school's Health Clinic to be checked out. There are treatments to help you through this. I have been there

 

You are putting too much pressure on yourself. You are extremely sad and distracted. I bet you have a hard time concentrating, maybe your sleep is even disrupted. How could you expect to get good grades feeling like you do? My depression hit in my 4th year of undergrad. My cumulative GPA dropped about 0.4 points in that one year, after three pretty successful years.

 

It is too early in your undergrad career to worry about getting into grad. school. You can still make it if things turn around, but I think that you need some help to get over the edge of this.

[boredguy]

hmm...i agree mentor. i may be younger than u ppl, but i do understand what stress is like. and stress is usually a precursor to depression. depression in turn is something that can be cured by consulting a health professional.

[Lily04]

Thanks again Mentor, and everyone.

 

I do have a hard time concentrating and my sleep is sometimes disrupted as well, although I'm not sure if it's really depression, I just feel this way for a few days, then become motivation & optimistic again (sometimes if I get a good grade on something), but then if I fail something (i.e. get a D or C, which routinely happens), then I just become severely depressed. But I need to be motivated in order to bring myself back up. THe problem is because I screw myself up with something in the beginning that badly, I always end up just doing mediocre and have to work really hard to bring it up..sometimes it's possible. I'll get a D & then consistent As and end up with a B. But all that hard work for a mark that I feel doesn't really reflect my potential..it's so frustrating. I just always do poorly on some type of testing. I can try to change, but my marks are always either failing or doing extremely well, even if it's in the same course, I'm never mediocre. As a result I end up with something mediocre, which just frustrates me to no end. If this pattern continues, I will not get into graduate school or law school. I did very poorly first year, and my family is expecting me to improve, but I'm not sure I can.

[Lily04]

Also Mentor, about the guidance counselling at my school..I'm not sure if it will help. I went to a guidance counsellor at the beginning of the year at my school & was really turned off...she wasn't very intelligent at all. There's some graduate students I might be able to talk to, but I'm just somewhat reluctant to talk with counsellors that tend to emphasize cliche systems and sayings, and can't really relate with existential-type crises.

[Prosper]

Hi Sparrow,

Who says u cant be a good lawyer? Who says u cant graduate? I saw ur post and the way u argued that nothing seems to help u anymore, makes u a good making for a lawyer, do u know that? Do u realise that?

 

My.. my encounters with lawyers are very much this way... I always salute to them after having talks with them. They argued and argue, they argue for every case they see. They argue for every right they want. They argue for every justice they felt not being called for. They argue for empathy and pity. Very funny right, gal? U are very much like them.

 

Yes, life hasnt been easy. But do u recall those days u struggle u wan a law course? U got ur wish now, why arent u happy? U argue u are not the best, u argue U WAN A DEPRESSION right now? why? u are doing fine. U know some lawyers climbed to the top using experiences more than in fact their certificates, degrees take them to be and i dun have to lie.

 

Let u be another one i can salute to. U are smart, and i know u can survive and prove me u are good in ARUGING ur way to good merits.

 

God cherishes u always.. ..

[Mentor]

Sparrow,

 

It could be a number of things, maybe not depression. You seem to have a lot of pressure and expectation on you, both from your family, and from yourself. You might be getting yourself wound up like a spring, and are having trouble coping. Even if this is it, and it is not a depression or something else, you should talk to someone. The counselling that I was talking about was not a guidance counsellor. There should be a way through your school to see a psychiatrist, with an MD, or some other qualified mental health professional. Maybe yout guidance councellor who could not help you with this bigger problem could at least refer you to someone who can help. How about your family doctor?

[mtastic]

sparrow,

 

i know how it is to feel like you're failing everybody, and not living up to your potential. My first 2 years of college didn't go that well for me, i wound up having to drop several classes, and then make them up, which put added work on later terms causing me to over-extend myself and as a result my grades continued to suffer.after my sophomore year, my GPA was around a 2.1 or 2.2. i felt like i was not living up to my potential at all, and was disappointing everyone, especially myself. But things have gotten better, my grades improved greatly my third and fourth years (i'm in a 5 year program) and this past term I did the best ever.

 

The way college is constructed, they make freshman and sophomore years difficult in order to weed out the folks who can't cut it. Its the old story you get at oreintation of "look to your left, look to your right, at least one of these people will not graduate with you." You just have top soldier on and fight through the crap they throw at you, i won't say things will get easier (they didn't for me), but you will get better at dealing with them.

 

Also, if you're still a sophomore (i think you said this was your second year) you're still trying to fulfill all your required classes, and as a result probobly not always taking courses you're interested in. This does make a difference in how you do, i've found that as i progressed in my studies and got more freedom in picking courses, i've genereally done better in the ones which are in my major and specific to what i plan to do and thus are topics i'm interested in.

 

That said, i agree with mentor that seeking help from your school's health services department. Most college offer some sort of counciling services to studets. I began going to a councilor back in may, and i found its been helping me alot. Depending on how your school's healt office works you should have some sessions guarenteed as part of your tuition. I think alot of places offer unlimited sessions while you are a student, but i know there are some schools that only have a set limit before you have to start paying. In my experience these services are good, and they will at the very least offer free depression/illness screenings, if you don't want to go into regular sessions.

 

I'd try to sit back and relax while you can at the moment, you've still got some time left in your winter break (hopefully you don't have to start on the 3rd like i do), so take the next week or two and just try to de-stress yourself, take it easy and try not to think to much about school. When you get back look into your school's counciling policies, maybe schedule an appointment. If you want to talk about it, feel free to message me, although since i'm home for vacation i'm not always onlione at convinient times.

 

Best of luck to you,

mtastic

[ticklebug]

sparrow,

 

I've read through this thread and one thing that blares out to me is that you look extremely far in the future and, in doing that, don't reward yourself for short term accomplishments.

 

It seems when you go for a test, you put your entire future on the line in your mind instead of just on the outcome of the test...and it's passing will inevitibly become almost insurmountable.

 

You called being optomistic a problem...actually, that was probably your best quaility and motivator and it is a shame you let it go.

 

sparow, you need to narrow down your focus...it is absolutely phenominal that you want to be a lawyer...and that you know in your heart that is what you want to do, you have one up on a lot of people in that regard...but that is a way off LONG TERM goal.

 

Let's look at the sport of football...if the game was played according to how you are living your life right now...the two teams would line up at the 50 yard line and instead of having 4 chances to get 10 yards closer to the goal to continue playing...the quarterback would have to immediately loft the ball into the end zone, or someone would have to run it all the way in....facing a lot of obsticals...in one shot. Otherwise, they lose immediately.

 

There is a reason in football the teams are given downs and chances...it increases the potential for scoring and makes the game more enjoyable to those playing, and to those watching. It is a game of SHORT TERM GOALS.

 

Then it goes on to where many games are played to eventually make the playoffs...the long term goal...then the superbowl...and the all time win.

 

You need to start reapplying this philosopy to your life, You apparently had it at one point, but lost it along the way.

 

Right now, becoming a lawyer is a far off long term goal...it's that all time win.

 

You just started your "season"...all you need to be concentrating on is the long term goal of finishing this year at university, by using the short term goals of passing each class...each test you take in the class is a "down"...and you will have enough tests in that class that if you mess one one, up will be able to make up for the loss by doing better on other tests and work.

 

Stop making your final career your goal...break it down into a lot of little ones and you will find it is not going to be as hard or overwhelming as it once was...and it will come easier for you.

[Mentor]

This is exactly the type of perspective on your situation that a good counsellor can give you

 

Talking things out with someone like Ticklebug would help you "re-frame" your problems, and make them seem more manageable. Like I said earlier, grad. school is a long way off, you have a lot of time to fix your GPA. You need to find a way to stop feeling like each test that you take is an entrance exam, and see it for what it is: just another small step along the way. Break the problem up into a series of manageable chunks and take them on one at a time.

 

Good luck!

[Lily04]

Thanks for the advice..

 

The problem at my school is that a lot of the courses offered are full-year classes, and as a result each test is worth around a quarter of your mark, and so sometimes there's limited opportunities for you to improve your grade. You can say think about the short-term, but if I fail one quiz that can bring down my mark significantly, and my GPA as well, and it's unrealistic to not think about the consequences. I should have thought about the consequences a lot more last year..looking back, I should have dropped my economics class which wasn't even required for my major & was extremely difficult for me because I'm not good at math & don't have great spatial skills, which the course really required. My prof. taught at MIT and used the same standards & testing methods, and since he's a math genius always made us prove things mathematically, when that is not my strength..all my other marks were OK, above average (but then the avg. grade at my school was a C+ for first yr students so that's not saying much) but I still would have been in a safe zone. Unfortunately, my grades weren't that great, and I still feel badly about them sometimes. Regrets just creep up on me sometimes, and it's hard for me to deal with them because I can see the consequences..I'm applying for internships now, and I know I would have an easier time getting them if my grades were higher (hence I'm not putting my GPA on my resume.)

 

Also I think most people start thinking about postgrad options now..I know some of my friends are already starting to study for the LSAT after 2nd year & I was thinking of starting this summer, and writing it at the end of next year or beginning of 4th year. It's sorta necessary to think about these things now to plan ahead, and time goes by so fast...there's only 3 months of the school year left, and those will just fly by and soon enough I'll be in 3rd year, and won't even know where the time went. I've found that time seems to slip by so fast, and one of my New Years resolutions is to cherish it more every day..to really value everyday, and make goals & accomplish them because sometimes I find i don't get anything accomplished, and then I end up procrastinating in the end. I don't want that to happen again, I've had too many experiences like that, and it is ultimately those times that get me really depressed and stressed out.

 

But I will consider going to the health clinic at my school. I'm not sure it will help, but I'll give it a try. I know about the stress of long-term planning compared with short-term, I've looked up some of the suggestions before.. but I know they have a couple of free sessions with professionals (I think it's after 15 sessions you have to start paying) so that's good.

 

Thanks again,

 

sparrow

[ticklebug]

sparrow

 

many times, professors will allow you to do extra things in order to get credit when your testing grades are low. The trick is to schedule an appointment with them and ASK.

 

What about forming study groups in classes you find more difficult...take advantage of other people's strengths in conceptual understanding...while also socializing over coffee...

 

Yes it is good to think about your post grad plans...but not to the point you obsess over them. There is a balance there...it *IS* post grad....and if undergrad is overwhelming right now...which one takes precedence?

 

If you aren't accomplishing goals you set...then you are setting them too high...

 

just having someone to vent to will help you...so it would be a good idea to see about the counselors...even if it is one day a month.

[Lily04]

sparrow

 

If you aren't accomplishing goals you set...then you are setting them too high...

 

 

I don't think this is true; the reason why I'm not accomplishing the goals I set isn't because I set them too high, but the way I go about achieving them. I think the problem lies with my time management & perhaps study habits, but not any problem with intellectual deficiency or some inability to 'conceptualize' information. That is actually my strength. But I mainly have to improve on my time management skills..I don't think it's the goals that need changing then, but just the way I go about achieving them. It's a question of pragmatics, not vision..

[acadame]

I agree with you, Sparrow. Lowering your standards is an easy way out. Just change your study habits & keep up your motivation, and I'm sure you'll go far. You seem to have the drive to do it and the intelligence, we just sometimes need to re-evaluate our study patterns, and I think this is the case here. But I think it's still beneficial to talk to an academic counsellor in any case, they might be able to help.

 

Just don't get too down on yourself. 1st yr was difficult for me as well, but it supposedly gets better. Just keep your head up, I have faith that you'll do well. =)

 

take care,

 

acadame

[thisisnotanexit]

You really do have A LOT going for you. Keep moving forward, you can do it. Don't convince yourself that you're going to be right where you are for the rest of your life, unhappy, because that doesn't have to be true! It's up to you. You've got to go out there and get your feet wet. You sound like a very intelligent person. You can't assume the worst, you must change your attitude if you can. just go out there, give things your best, and that's all you can do for now. if things don't work out perfectly at first, your life is certainly not over. keep trying. suicide is just so permanent. you are going to go far in life, just stay strong. you can do it and we're all here for you. you're young, you've not lived enough of this life to make a conclusion so strong as suicide. you've got to realize that you've got a bright future ahead of you, if you just believe it! it may be hard at first, but you can do this. you can beat suicide. i did, and so have others. you've got so much to offer this life and it's got so much to offer you. suicide is so permanent. stick around and go out there and live..otherwise, you'll never really know what could happen for you. please stay strong and PLEASE visit this site

 

link removed

 

or call 1-800-SUICIDE..its confidential

 

msg me if you ever want to.. take care

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

Thanks. I think that's my biggest fear really: not being successful, or happy, always somehow messing up & not moving forward. But if you identify your errors, you should be able to correc them eventually & realize success, right? There will always be people better than you, and more successful, I'm not aiming to be the absolute best, but just to be personally happy is all I want. Suicide was just something I considered if things get really bad I guess, if I see that things are really not working out & most likely will not work out in the future, and I don't want to face it. It is an escape route, I know. And it is selfish as I'm not thinking abuot the pain I would cause my family & friends. But they expect so much from me as well, my parents especially..they expect me to go to law school & be involved in politics like I am now in school (I'm an executive on student council.) I look so happy and successful to others, I'm going to an ivy-league university, was class valedictorian in high school, etc. etc. and I think my first year was just a really big shock in a lot of ways. I just have to learn how to pick myself up again, and become successful like I used to be..

[ticklebug]

I think the problem lies with my time management & perhaps study habits, but not any problem with intellectual deficiency or some inability to 'conceptualize' information.

 

Sparrow, goals have nothing to do with "intellectual deficiency or conceptualization"...where dd you get that concept from?

 

to really simplify it:

 

getting up in the morning and making it from the bed to the bathroom without your bladder exploding is a long term goal. You accomplish it by doing small things, grunt, groan, get the covers off, swing your legs over the bed...etc...short term things that get you to where you want to go (no pun intended)

 

A goal is the end result of a course of action. You feeling you need better time management skills, IS a goal...but you don't jump from the way you are doing it now to a whole other unplanned non-thought out way...that won't get you anywhere...you make small changes and get the desired affect...which in the very long term...will help your education process....

 

By way of acknowledging that your time management is poor, that is already a step in the right direction of trimming down your global thought process that stresses you out. It's gone from, oh bloddy hell I'm going to be a failure the rest of my life...to, hm, okay, how do I manage my time this week better...

[thisisnotanexit]

ok, first of all, success is a subjective word. you can't let your family's idea of success rule your life. who says the only success you can achieve in life is if you are extremely rich and powerful? think about it, that's not all that life has to offer. you have to realize you can't live your life for others, and you need to find your own happiness. happiness does NOT have to be defined by that definition of "success." don't be so hard on yourself, you're not perfect. no one is. life has a lot more to offer, so please give yourself that little bit of slack and just experience life. if you don't do everything right and everything that is to be expected, your world is not going to crumble. you just have to realize that. i'm here if you ever want to talk, because i've experienced a very similar situation years ago. take care

[Lily04]

Thanks everyone. Well now that a new year is starting up, I'm going to resolve to make myself a better person. I'm going to improve my time management skills, so that I can do the things I want and not be stressed out all the time about completing projects.

 

I really do appreciate the support everyone has given me, it really helped. When I first posted I was really depressed, and you guys have helped me to see that I can pick myself up again, and still get through this. Thank you. =)