Perception of girls changes after learning sexual past.

[Double J]

i'm new here, and I have something about me that i'd like to share and would like some feedback on.

 

i'm not sure if other guys on this board can relate to this, but being a virgin, i'm the type of guy that really puts a lot of weight on a girl's sexual history. If she is not a virgin, I tend to lose interest in her. If she talks a lot about sex all the time, I lose even more interest. Sure, I wouldn't mind having these types of girls as friends, but I'd eventually want to save myself for the right girl who has been wanting to do the same. I do consider myself unique, and I don't think it's wrong to desire someone who's like me. I've had chances in the past to sleep with several girls, but I didn't want to because they were "bad girl" types and I just didn't want it to only be an act of lust that would be forgotten a week later.

 

As pansy as this sounds, it's hard for me to separate love and sex. The funny thing is that with a girl I'm not interested in, I could be a good actor and get sexual, but deep inside I have no interest in pursuing anything further with girls like that. I've spoken to this girl online and on the phone who was super nice and sweet - liked her a lot. But when she said she lost her virginity at 14, her last relationship was purely sexual, and that she's had several 3-somes, well, I didn't have to blink twice to NEXT her right away. I know it's not right to judge someone based on their past, because whether a person is a virgin or not says nothing about him or her as a human being.

 

But long-term relationships are a major investment of one's time and emotions, so why not go for what I really want? I can't stand guys who spend so many years hopping from partner to partner, and then want to marry a virgin. That's pure hypocrisy. I'm a very sexual guy, but I have tremendous willpower too and am willing to make the sacrifice.

 

My last g/f was a virgin who said she wanted to wait till marriage. It's too bad the relationship didn't work out, but i'm sure she would not have waited that long, because when her and I got touchy, she really got "hot". The relationship just didn't last long enough to reach the highest level.

 

I just want my first time to be special, and if I meet a girl who won't put out till marriage, i'd be willing to accept that.

 

Comments would be appreciated.

[ComputerGuy]

Im the same....I ended up losing my virginity to a girl who flatout lied about everything to get me to sleep with her.

 

I since found a girl who I really liked/still do, but Im forcing myself to get over her after I found out some things she's done and what she did to her last b/f.

 

If I could take anything back, Id still be a virgin, I too had plenty of opportunities to have sex, but I cant do it for the sake of sex, as with you, I have a hard time seperating sex and love, and while I was brought up to view sex as something thats fun and nothing more, my personal view of it is quite the opposite.

 

I dont think its wrong to want that, I dont care if a girl is a virgin or not, but if shes my age and slept with more people than I have good friends, than no thanks.

[Stari]

There is another side to the coin.

 

From what I have read there is a correlation between early sexual debute and higher sexual activity later in life.

The sexual guy that marries a virgin, hoping that after marriage she will unleach the Tracy Lords within herself, is putting himself up for frustration. Not accepting sex for pleasure but only as a meeting of the minds is bound to lead to less sex. This since connecting can be done without having sex.

[savannahohsavannah]

Stari is right. You can fool yourself and say you are very sexual, but in reality you are repressing your sex drive for reasons. There is always the possibility that you will be just as turned off by a woman who wants to have sex with you after marriage. Most people who are into virginity are young and idealistic. But no one will ever live up, or down depending on how you see it, to your lofty ideals.

[titan]

dude i can see your point and you should wait...not for marriage but at least till your in a long term relationship and are in love with the person and she is love with you.

 

Your first time like it or not is the one your always going to remember and you want to look back and smile everytime you think about it...So don't hold out in a relationship just let nature take its course and if it happens it happens.....

 

 

On the other stuff about girls having sex b4 her history and life experience is what makes her the person she is today..if you like that person well then that experience has made her what she is so you shouldn't judge on things like that....but i can see what your are talking about with that chick 3 somes and all...i would stay clear personally myself.

[shygirl23]

Just for the record, there are girls out there who share your feelings. I should, since I'm one of them. I'd rather wait until I'm married to have sex, just because that's pretty much how I was raised. However, I know that it's my own decision. I'm not going to have sex until I know for sure that my partner and I totally and completely love each other and that we're going to stay together.

 

I too associate sex with love. I feel that it is the most intimate act that a couple can share and I don't want to give that to just anyone. I'm going to save that special moment until I know without a doubt that me and my beloved are going to remain together for the rest of our lives.

 

I know that even that is pretty far-fetched and I must seem so young and immature (okay, well I'm only sixteen, so everyone here probably already thinks that I'm completely idealistic), but I want to wait. I'm prepared to wait years and years and years if I have to. And I know that my boyfriend is going to stick with me.

 

He has had sex before and he was honest about it (but ashamed) when he told me. He told me that he was not proud of it and that he really regretted it. He's also told me that he's willing to wait as long as I need/want to. Learning about his past relationship did change my thoughts a little for a split second, but I don't think any less of him and I still love him just as much as ever. I don't care, because he's with me now. I'm not going to dwell on his past, I'm more concerned about who he is now. It's his body, not mine and that was his choice. I agree with Titan, his past has shaped his present and I love him the way he is.

 

But anyway, I disagree with Savannah. I certainly live up to those lofty ideals, so Supernova, now you know... There are other people like us. Don't compromise your beliefs for some girl for her sake. If you ever decide to change your ideals, do so because you want to. You're bound to find someone for you sometime.

[lillady898]

I would never tell someone that it is really a bad idea to wait until marriage for sex. It would save you from an unexpected pregnancy, diseases, and all of the emotional things that may come along with sex.

 

However, this isn't for everyone. It depends on a person's values and what they want from life. So it's not unrealistic to want someone who wants to remain a virgin also. As a perk, it'll put a hault to some of the temptation, although the sexual temptations are always in a relationship.

 

I don't really think it's right to completely put all the nonvirgins out of the picture though. I'm not a virgin but I honestly do wish I waited for the right person. I fell into temptation, as many do. I've made mistakes in my past, and I realize this. But there's nothing I can do to erase it, no matter how much I want to. There are many females who would love to erase their past because they know they should've waited. It just seems a bit judgmental to not give someone a chance for their past mistakes... Especially for something that can not be gotten back. People do change as they get older.

[Double J]

lillady,

 

I completely understand and agree with everything you're saying. I'm trying to improve this about myself and not be so judgmental but it's not easy. I know that when most girls lose it, they feel it was the right moment for them (unless it was out of lust or they were drunk). i'm waiting for the right moment for myself as well. The truth is that people like (and like to be with) others who are like them - that's what draws people to have certain friends and partners. And I feel that waiting for a girl who also waits is something I should do.

[Switch187]

Supernove, waiting for a girl that has the same "values" as you is fine, and no one would tell you otherwise, but if your excommunicating every other girl just because of that issue then your being very harsh. Not all girls loose their virginity at the right time (and some arn't drunk either), some girls are "persuaded" into believing that the moment is right, some are forced into it, and others are just plain raped. All of those girls wish they could go back and take that moment back, but they cant and if your going to completely push them to the side because of what happened, then I think that is a really harsh move. I was the same as you for a while, I felt that sex should only be done between 2 people who really felt like there was love, not lust. But I ended up loosing my virginity to a girl who pretty much "lied" about everything just so she could sleep with me. I felt like you and only wanted to talk to girls who were virgins, and felt that those were the only types of girls I would be comfertable with. But a few years in college changed that for me. I started meeting girls who had a "history", but is was mostly a history that they were ashamed of and wished had never happened. I think I started to feel bad for them, and maybe since my "history" was the same, I realized that I had to just let those things go. It's hard to do though, even with my current g/f, who after 2 years tells me something from her past that upset me at first, but I soon came to realize (with the help of somepeople here) that her past is something that needs to stay there. The moment was never right for her in that situation, but it happened, and when I was holding it against her for a few days it made me feel really childish and immature, so I let it go and said "hey were together now, and all that matters is what we do together".

 

Waiting for someone is fine, just don't let it cloud your vision in meeting people who could possibly be very important influences in your life. Trying not to be judgmental is hard, but one way to look at it is think about your own past (regarding everything). I'm sure eveyone has a few things they have done in their life that they regret doing, and I'm sure you wouldn't want someone to use that type of information to make a judgment about you and your character rigth? The same principle should go with how you view these girls that you meet (I'm not saying you have to date them or anything, but you can give them the benifit of doubt before moving on).

[Well]

Super -your intentions are admirable! In this day and age if you choose to "wait" you are a freak. Some ppl say they won't marry a fat chick,burnete chick or whatever all of which is superficial. I think waiting for another virgin says alot about your character. Regardless if you will find one or not (yes they still do exits) is another story. I'd rather hear a guy say he's waiting on a virgin than hear a guy say he's waiting on the woman that has the perfect ten body. I'm pretty sure Nick Lache was happy he married Jessica simpson.She waited,even though he wasn't a virgin he respected her boundaries. There are also girls who have made vows to wait till marriage even thought they have already had sex in the past,due to emotional baggage etc! Sort of a recommitment to stay sexless until marriage. Hey if that's what you want don't let others keep you from it!

[Switch187]

There are also girls who have made vows to wait till marriage even thought they have already had sex in the past,due to emotional baggage etc! Sort of a recommitment to stay sexless until marriage.

 

My g/f made that same vow after we broke up. She said that there was no way she would let another man touch her body in any way unless that man was ready to be her husband, and made that type of commitment. I know she made that vow for personal reasons as well, but I also know she made that vow just to let me know that she only wanted to be with me (although she made the vow, she still talked about us getting back together and having sex before being married). Anyways, that is a good point Well since some girls will make that type of decision when they get older and "mature" a bit more from their past. I think if a girl does make that type of vow and asks for her past to be wiped clean, then you (any guy) should look at it like she is a "born again virgin".

[ridikerous]

I think you're being reasonable and that you're opinion is understandable.

 

I used to be like you, but now that I've got a less constictive and a more make the best of situations view on life, I don't really care anymore, as long as the guy thoguh he was really truly in love. I pay too much attention to the little details.... if he says what I'm thinking, if he can understand me, if he's funny.... there's so many little deatils about how his mind works....I've realized that paying attention only to a few main points blocks my view from viewing each person as a complicated, intricate, beuatifully unique person. When you pay attention to these things, you get caught up on them and you realize that classfying and categorizing people off immediantly without knowing their deeper mind causes you to miss off on a lot.

 

If I have ignored the main, unspecific points, and payed attention to the deeper details: their ideas, sense of humor, mental picture of what love is, I feel I have learned who they are as a person, because I feel these are the things that say who they are, rather than what their primitive feel-good nerves get them to do using only the unevolved sexual keep-the-human-race going part of their brain that drives them to do things without thinking them through with the other part fo their brain.... the things they do with the pther part of their brain are the only things that matter to me.....

 

Instead of viewing situations as black or white, virgin or not virgin, don't categorize. There are billions of little details to a person, and putting them into two groups based on one thing doesn't let you see who they are all the way.

 

 

Also, people have an astonishing potential to change. Maybe if you can get her to see the attractiveness in your view, learn from what you think are mistakes, you won't even be dating the same person, the same mind. If you explain to her that you think of sex as meaningful, and not some primitive nerve stimulation (just because it feels good in my nerves seems like a stupid empty reason to do anything in my opinion...), maybe she'll be willing to stop doing that meaningless fun, it shouldn't mean to much to her anyway, and if she can't resist that then it seems to me that she enjoys empty things and has a weak will or she doesn't like you enough, because it shouldn't be very important to her ( it's just a good feeling in her nerves for her right now, maybe she'll see past this), but it's important to you, so if she loves you she'll see this.

Life isn't perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we'll regret, and it isn't always organized and controlled.

[ridikerous]

constrictive*

[ridikerous]

Oh, and I agree with switch....If she decides to mature more, look at it like she's wiped clean, don't let her past haunt her if she regrets what she did. While she was doing those things, she wasn't the same person you're dating now, it was someone else who wanted those things if she thinks past them....

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

I am not going to say any good or bad comments. I choose this time when people are quite done up with replies then i truly give my life example to u.

 

I have a guy buddy who is like u, he wans to have a someone that clean accord in personality, demure, understanding and the list goes on. He is of the same age as mine, and he is still living up his dream. He keeps on finding the gal he wants, those kinds whom he thinks HE can accept and THOSE who can AT LEAST one can accept him as friend to begin with.

 

I am those very much into the flow kind of people like titan, like switch and well, i dun have a much perceived or strong way that love shld have been, i just learnt along the way and changed my mindset then.

 

In a lot of ways i rather admire people like u, u are strong in what u want. I am not going to say that strength is good or bad, but my bud does change along the way to what he can takes or cannot take. He filters quite well, with a step each, to where he is. And i believe he still as much to learn as ahead.

 

Have fun pal. He had much fun too.. ..

[ShySoul]

I can relate. Love and sex isn't something that should be separated. If you have sex then love should be a part of it. In fact, without love sex isn't anything special and there's no reason to have it. I plan on waiting until I'm married and would love my future wife to be the same way. But realistically, thats probably not going to happen. Most people have slept with someone by my age and I won't hold that against them. Yes, if they are going around talking about sleeping with dozens of guys and having purly physical relationships, I won't be interested. It's because we have a clash in values, which is an important part in any meaningful relationship. I want someone who understands me and shares my beliefs and values. Having that kind of spiritual connection will make the first time, and subsequent times, truly special.

 

But you shouldn't hold a persons past against them. We all do things that we regret. As long as she is willing to put any promiscus activites behind then there shouldn't be a problem. Just becuase someone isn't a virgin, doesn't make them less compatible. It's the connection, the bond she shares with you that should matter. What if someone was perfect for you in every way and made you feel better than you've ever felt before, but she wasn't a virgin? Are you going to throw everything away because of something from her past?

 

What you want is someone who loves and respects you for you. You want someone who shares your same values and beliefs. Those are good things to want and you should pursue someone like that. Few people have the will power and moral convictions to wait as you are. For that, your special. But don't take it so far as to reject an otherwise great girl becuase of her past. Maybe it was a one time mistake, maybe she really did love the person, or maybe she wants to change. No matter what, everone deserves a second chance.

[Double J]

Excellent replies from everybody thus far. You guys are all right. I definitely will make the effort to look past the fact that a girl isn't a virgin. I mean, if she lost it to a guy she loved at one point, why should I hold that against her? Now, if she tells me she lost it one night when she was drunk and went skinny dipping, that would be a little harder to swallow. I know that nowadays it's nearly impossible to find a girl who's a virgin. My sisters are both wonderful, caring women of high morals, and I know they lost it to their boyfriends - but they did it because they truly love them.

 

As long as a girl has sex with a guy out of love, that isn't hard to forgive.

[unnaturally_thin]

just thought i would put in my 2cents. well 1 cent. i dunno. whatever

 

Okay anyways. men always seem to critize us woman if we have sex with another partner. although there are still the men who think its a bonus cause they don't have to deal with the woman and her pain of her first time. yada yada. both ways are wrong. I personally think men should enjoy us for who we are. not criticize us for our past.

 

just my 2 cents

[Shinobie]

Im exactly the same as you dont worry i think there are plenty of us who are the same.Ive never done anything with a girl and i think the same way about sex as you.I personally get totally turned off when girls talk about how many people they have done and i bet plenty of girls get turned off by guys who have had many sexual encounters with girls.Like u said when u heard that girl had sex at 14.I personally think that is way to young of an age to have sex and lame.Altough people all have their own decisions about it.

[tahlia]

I guess i have a mixed view point. Whilst i agree that a girl or a guy for that matter who has had many partners in a short space of time and thereforeeee experience a relatively unsafe lifestyle would be a turn off to most people, I don't think that just ebcause someone lost tehir virginity to someone they didnt love should be something you hold against them.

 

I lost it to a guy i had dated for 3 months when i was 20, and whilst i had feelings for him, i didnt love him. I felt that i was ready for new experiences, i didnt feel pressured into it at all. Of course everyone has different viewpoints on what sex means to them. To me sex doesnt mean that much, but making love with someone you love is an entitrely different story. You need the strong emotional bonds as well as the physical and for me when that happens is when i will truly be making 'love' for the first time.

 

As for waiting for marraige i think that its a great choice, its not my choice, but everyone is different. I think that it must be hard to find people who share your same morals and so i can understand that it must be difficult and frsutrating for you, especially being young when your first relationships arent necessarily what your looking for for the rest of your life. Another reason i chose not to wait is that i would want to know that i click physically with this person too. Sometimes no matter how much u like each other you may just be incompatible in bed. This may not matter to you at all, and thats great, but it can place a lot of pressure ona relationship.