Do they just want to be friends or more

[Break up Veteran]

I was just curious about everyone's opinion on this matter.

 

There is no straight forward answer I'm sure, but. When an ex says they want to be just be friends, sometimes they mean it and sometimes they don't.

 

They may say it to make you feel better about being dumped

 

They may say it because they are unsure of their feelings and don't want to get your hopes up

 

And they may say it just to shut you up long enough for them to run away.

 

My question is: how can you tell which it is?

 

Sometimes it is pretty clear cut, they don't contact you avoid meetings and will avoid physical contact.

 

I am more interested in the situations where they do things that 'friends' would not consider doing.

 

e.g. kissing (on the cheek I consider friendly) and other intimate things.

 

What do you think?

[ajk]

i think you can only tell by their actions...

but being intimate is not being friends, and when someone says that but is still intimate with you, they are treating you unfairly.

 

i asked my ex those questions about why he wants to be friends, if it was to make him feel better and not think of himself as the bad guy, if it was legitimately him wanting to stay in my life, etc., and it seems it can be a combination. most people don't know why they say they want to be friends. they want to hold on to you in some sense. not feel guilty, feel something good about themselves and that they didn't screw up totally, etc.

 

being real friends takes time, and without NC there can be added hurt feelings.

[ShuShu Fontana]

One of the first things my ex said to me was "But I still want to see you and have you in my life." Not confusing at all.

 

We hung out, went to bars, watched movies, always hugged goodbye, and it kept my heart hanging on. I don't think either of us was over the other, despite him seeing someone new. We should have stayed away from each other, andnow that his LD gf is here, we do. Even though he said he didn't want it to be that way and I told him I doubted she would like us hanging out.... and so it has come to pass. We don't talk any more. Maybe we will again some day.

I still love him. I never wanted him out of my life. I really didn't know what being broken up was going to be like until I did it.

My problem with being friends with him is that I keep continuing down that road to attraction.

I think we both genuinely want to be friends, I know he still loves me and cares about me, but we're both in new relationships and getting over each other has been very hard and we're still working on it. He doesn't want me back, for whatever reason. I can't make him, and believe me I've tried.

EVERYONE of my friends and even strangers have told me you can't be friends with an ex, and why would you want to be? I think it jut hurts too damn much. Maybe after years of being away from each other and the situation, we could be friends. But it's still too soon.

Don't be friends with your ex right away. Let a lot of time go by before you try that.

[shes2smart]

I've never been a post-break up "let's be friends" person. Most of the time, I think it's pure folly to even attempt that because there is usually one party who doesn't want the relationship to end.

 

If you're the one who doesn't want the relationship to end, why put yourself through the unnecessary pain?

 

If you're the one who "wants to be friends"...understand that a real friend wouldn't ask someone to continue an interaction they found painful.

 

From either end it makes no sense.

 

Now, if some time has passed....maybe. I do have one ex I keep in touch with, but right after we broke up I didn't talk to him for about a year. And even then, it was a rather extraordinary set of circumstances that got me back in touch with him.

 

A clean break heals best in the long run.

[Break up Veteran]

Thanks all,

 

I agree with the general consensus that it is not possible without one party getting hurt (badly).

 

I have never known couples to successfully remain friends when the break up was not mutual.

 

I guess it's just asking for trouble.

[rich46]

Totally agree.

 

In my heartbroken state after getting dumped in July this year, I went along with the idea of being "best friends" with my ex for a week or two. I even travelled the 100 miles to see her on her birthday and we had a great day...bowling, movies etc. However, when I had to make that long journey back at night, I was totally devastated. So the next day I called her and explained how it was too difficult to be friends so soon after the break up. The intitial weeks after I did this were hell, but in the long run there is no doubt in my mind that it was the best thing to do.

 

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be just friends with her, especially as she was my first love. Maybe I'll feel differently when I meet someone else, but I can't ever imagine hanging around with her knowing full well she is with someone else.

 

I think a lot of exes want to keep us in their lives as a back up in case they realise their mistake. That was certainly the case in my situation. My ex wanted to go out and play the field, yet keep me hanging on just in case she didn't meet someone better. I feel quite proud of myself for not letting this happen, as it is completely natural to cling onto the false hope that they gives us.

 

But unfortunately, by keeping in touch, all we are doing is making it easier for them, and harder for ourselves.

 

And that one sentence pretty much sums up why I am such a huge fan of no contact.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[shes2smart]

I think a lot of exes want to keep us in their lives as a back up in case they realise their mistake. That was certainly the case in my situation. My ex wanted to go out and play the field, yet keep me hanging on just in case she didn't meet someone better. I feel quite proud of myself for not letting this happen, as it is completely natural to cling onto the false hope that they gives us.

 

Excellent point. And very insulting to the person who's kept hanging on when you think about it. Personally, I wouldn't want to be kept around "just in case nothing better is out there."

 

Walk away and don't look back. If they cannot recognize your true value, there are plenty of others who can.

[GymSweetie]

Bah!

 

Ok, so at first it's not easy to be just friends with your ex. But if you react to everything the ex does in terms of how you would react to your other friends, it can work out.

 

My ex and I broke up about 4 mos ago. He said he cared about me alot & wanted to remain friends. It was very painful at first. He got a new gf immediately after breaking up with me. I went thru the stages of loss and grief. I was depressed but I kept it to myself and put up a happy front every step of the way.

 

He broke up with his gf recently and our friendship has grown in the interim-we have a special bond. I have learned how to emotionally insulate myself (when he's hurtful, I stare thru him, pull away or ignore him). I'm past the pain. I am so glad we remained friends.There are still alot of happy times to be had!

[kennieboi]

Hey guys. Hey rich46 you are right on what you said. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago and I still feel like I'm not totally over her. I havn't talked to her or seen her for several months now. When she broke up with me, she told me that she wanted some time apart, but then decided to break up with me for no apparent reason. Maybe cuz I keep being around and she got annoyed at me and didn't want me back. I was so good to her too. She also said that she wanted to be friends with me and that she wanted me in her life still. She told me breaking up with me was the hardest thing she had to do.

 

She even went on to say that we could be friends but closer. Obviously meaning friends with benefits. At first I was ok with that cuz I still loved her and wanted to still be with her. But realized that it was my mistake to let her mess with my emotions being there for her and seeing her during the time of a breakup still. We even had sex each time we saw eachother. So when that happened it gave me false hopes that she would want me back. Now I have been doing the NC thing. It's still hard a lot of the time cuz when I feel lonely, I would think about calling her, but I think back of what she did to me and I stop myself by doing that. I told her also that I could not be her friend cuz it hurts too much to be friends.

 

I guess what I'm trying say is to also tell other people who are in the same situation as I was in is that if the gf/bf breaks up with you and you have done nothing but loved them and cared for them with all your heart and leave you. Then realize that you have done all you can and there is nothing you could really do. You can't convince them. You shouldn't beg. Dont keep calling them or trying to stalk them. All that won't work. If they didn't see how great of a person you are then that is their loss, not your's. I guarantee it that they will realize it someday and question why the hell they dump the best thing they had. And by that time it may be already be too late. Who knows. Just keep being the way you are and someday you will find someone better who will love you and appreciate you the way you deserve.

[ajk]

perfect advice kennieboi...thanks