Confusing feelings

[Jetta]

I've met a guy that has me feeling things I have never before felt. I think he may be a soulmate but the problem is I'm married. Now when my husband and I have sex, I feel like I'm cheating on the other guy. Maybe because that's where my emotions are, but I just don't quite understand why I feel that way. Nothing has happened physically with this other guy, but with him I feel emotions I have never felt with my husband. I know this sounds crazy, but if I could control my feelings I would.

[Geobronc]

Try remembering all the Romance you had with your Husband when you first met him. Remember your love for him and I would not see this other person again. Its an ugly road that I have traveled and struggled with also. I found my Soul Mate and she does not have the same feelings for me, we are friends who just Email and Instant Message and who I see once per year to visit. Marriage is hard...but stay with it and try and see all the reasons you love your husband and stay focused on loving him.

[ticklebug]

jetta

 

you love your husband, you are lusting and fantasizing about this other guy...big difference.

 

In marriage, things settle down, there isn't the spark, the romance the excitement of newness...it's up to the couple to occasionally bring that spark back and it sounds as if you two haven't for a while, if at all.

 

It's normal to occasionally get your hormones in a tussle over someone else, you are human...but what you have to come to terms with is that it is just a temporary crush...and it will pass.

 

Time to dive in and spice up your sex life with your husband...

[amanda22]

how long have you known this new guy? odds are you are just infatuated. you prob dont know this guy as well as your husband and he is just exciting to you. i say, just try to liven things up with your hubby and remember why you feel in love with him. try to keep away from this new guy cause it sounds like it will just be a mess.

[Jetta]

They other guy I met about two months ago. The problem is I never had feelings for my husband. I broke up with him only for my friends and family to pressure me back into a relationship with him because he's a "nice guy who really loves me". Logically he's a better pick (and we have a child together now), but my feelings are with this other guy.

[amanda22]

you never had feelings for you husband??? why did you marry him???? how long have you two been married?

[Scottrn]

The problem is I never had feelings for my husband. I broke up with him only for my friends and family to pressure me back into a relationship with him because he's a "nice guy who really loves me". Logically he's a better pick (and we have a child together now), but my feelings are with this other guy.

 

I don't think I understand.... To repeat amanda, why did you marry him? From the little you said, I would not recommend throwing away a year(at least, as you have a child) for a 2 month thing.....

Hard to advise with so little offered. If you don't mind, could you tell us a bit more? Hope I'm not overstepping here........

[Jetta]

Well I posted elsewhere about it, but...

 

We've been together about 7 years. I met him while separated from my 1st husband (who cheated and abused me). I have a son from that marriage (now 9, wasn't planned). My husband met me while separated for 8 months, hadn't yet filed. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but I was his first girlfriend so he was excited I guess.

 

We dated (sort of). I did decide I wasn't in love with him and broke up, but since we were living in the same apartment, along with my brother and a friend (because I couldn't afford rent on my own). The friend talked me into getting back together with him for various reasons. One being he's a nice guy who really loves me. Eventually we moved out of the group living arrangement and got an apartment together.

 

Basically it was a marriage of convience and not love. I made a mistake. However I choose to bring another child into the relationship because he was the kind of guy I could be married to for life, I thought. However the zest for life isn't there, and I miss it. Until I met this other guy I didn't realize how dead I felt. And a lot of these blocked memories are coming up now (like I forgot I broke up with him once, and that he proposed to me 3 times before I said yes).

 

I just really don't know if I can somehow make things work with him, or if this encounter was meant to show me what I'm missing.

 

*I know I sound like a horrible person, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

You sound very confused, but you are not a bad person. My opinion, which I also think is wrong but I'll say it anyway, is go for what you want, even if it's this new guy. The bad thing is the kid involved, and your husband will be absolutely crushed.

 

BUT, make sure this is what you want. I mean, can you see yourself growing old and HAPPY with your husband, or will you be locked in a cage for the rest of your life. Do you look at your husband and think that you can do better? You said you married out of convenience. But did happiness come into play AT ALL? And it sounded like you let your friends talk you into going with your husband. If other people have to tell you to love someone, what's the bother?

 

What is it about this new guy that you like so much. Does this seem like it is something that will eventually wear off, you know like a flash in the pan. Is this someone who comes into your life and wows your dark love life with bright neon lights that will eventually tire your eyes out once you get used to them? Or are you really REALLY falling in love, which you didn't seem to do with your husband.

 

If you didn't have a kid with him, the easiest thing would be to bail. Kids make it hard to make decisions. Whatever happens, I wish you, your husband and your child all come out ok in all of this.

[ticklebug]

jetta

 

when you have children, your life stops being all about you...and it should be about THEM. You apparently put yourself in a position to marry your "rebound" guy from your first marriage...so now not only has your 9 year old already been witness to one divorce, and who knows what type of visitation with his bio-dad, but now you are looking at potentially putting him through yet another divorce and dealing with the loss of someone he has bonded with as a step-father (or possibly father figure) AND you have another child who will suffer for it to chase after something that may or may not happen...

 

If I were you....I'd really work hard at making THIS marriage you are in work...just because you feel desires for another man...two months of knowing him doesn't tell you a thing about what your future could be...and you just may find yourself alone, for a very long time if this guy of two months ends up just being more of a fling.

 

Bear in mind, when things got bad in your first marriage you went immediately into the arms or your now husband...now that things are going stale in this marriage....you are following the same pattern...looking to someone else...it's yet another rebound and you are placing more emphasis on your feelings for this new guy to avoid what you really need to work on...

[Jetta]

Ticklebug,

I didn't immediately fall into his arms. I was separated for 8 or so months with no interest in men (I hated them after the experience with my ex). I had a few guys calling before him, but blew them off as soon as I could. I told my current husband I didn't want a relationship when I first met him. My best friend pushed us together. She knew him for years and had given him my phone number. She figured he'd be a good guy to balance out the ex (virtual opposite). There is a lot more going on than a post or two can convey.

 

I hadn't filed for divorce because I didn't have the money (money from an auto accident came and then I filed). I was living with my parents. I couldn't afford rent on my own (with daycare expenses, other bills my ex put in my name, and general living expenses). Working poor was my classification (too much money for aid but not enough to survive on my own with a child). I eventually moved in to a place with my brother, a friend, and him (separate rooms). Then he and I moved into an apartment with my son.

 

There are positives from being married to him. Our daughter, the fact I no longer hate men (because he is generally a descent guy despite his problems). But there are a lot of issues and knowing I never loved him really has me wondering if it's worth all this struggle. I know everyone struggles but I believe love would make it a little more tollerable. But who knows maybe love is just a farce.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kyoshiro Ogari,

 

As for the other guy, well I don't really think we'd be together long term. He smokes, I don't. Sure people quit (both my parents did, dad smoked unflitered) but I can't rely on that. I just couldn't have a house that smells of smoke (allergic). So just for that reason I doubt we'd survive. Honestly I want to know him as a person not sleep with him.

[Breea]

Jetta, I feel for your situation because I can relate to how you feel. I married someone for the wrong reasons. He was a nice guy, he loved me and was what I thought to be a good father. You see, I screwed up and had a child while young and was all alone in the world. I chose him to make my "family" although I never really loved him.

 

Over the years I loved him, but not in the way I should have. I stayed almost 14 years and I now know that I should have left within the first 3 yrs. I knew at that point that I was not happy with him or content, but I stayed for the kids (yep, I had one with him, also).

 

I would never tell you to leave, because it is a big decision and you must search your heart, but please don't waste 14 years like me. So that is my advice. People will slam me, but staying for the kids is NOT good for them either. Yes, they need a daddy, and stability, but mommy and daddy unhappy and arguing (which will very likely increase with time) is NOT A GOOD ENVIRONMENT for THEM.

 

Maybe this guy you have met makes you see that there is likely someone out there you can connect to and love. Love is what makes the world go around. If you do decide to leave, please try to take it slow if you decide to date this new guy. Don't throw yourself into another serious deal too soon. You probably need to do some soulsearching and take care of you. Decide what you want out of life. I have plowed into a new relationship too soon too serious. Take it from me, I wish I would have taken it slower. Oh well, live and learn right.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I hope maybe my situation has been of some help in seeing yours better. Best wishes in your situation. -Bree