Health problems causing trouble

[Suzynola]

Ill try not to make this too long, I guess I need to vent my worries. Ive had health problems for most of my life, including fibromyalgia (a pain condition), a disorder that paralyses me, migraines, problems with my back and knees etc. Obviously all this can make my life difficult and doesnt make me feel too great about myself sometimes. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 5 years which ended recently and he found it hard to deal with my health issues, was embarrassed by me, especially when I couldn't walk well, told me he didn't want a future with me cos I had 'bad genes' etc, I guess at least he was honest! But obviously, this didn't make me feel great about myself. Ive been seeing someone new and Ive been totally honest with him about absolutely everything, and he said it didn't bother him in the slightest, he admired me for always still trying to have a life when its a struggle etc. But the last couple of weeks Ive been getting more health problems, and Ive been getting quite scared. My immune system is low so Ive been catching viruses etc, including chickenpox for a second time, Im covered in bruises and along with other things I have all the symptoms of leukaemia. I had a blood test a couple of days ago, the doc is also testing me for an overactive thyroid and diabetes, and I haven't heard about results yet but Ive been quite worried, and have been talking to this guy about how Im feeling. Hes just been trying to help me not worry so much, at least until we get the results. I have said to him I feel bad bringing problems into his life but hes said he wants to be there for me whatever happens. I also have a lot of trouble with sleep which he cant understand cos he sleeps well, and he saw me get paralysed for the first time the other day, he seemed fine at the time but later told me it did scare him a bit which I can totally understand! Anyway everything seemed ok with us but when he woke up this morning, after realising I had another night of barely any sleep, he was different. Eventually he opened up to me that hes really struggling with it all, he cant get his head around how someone can have all these problems and is annoyed at himself he cant understand better and feels so helpless and is finding it really hard, I really thought he was gonna break up with me. Of course I told him I totally understand and it must be frustrating not being able to make me better and I said that just him being there for me is more than I ever expected. Also, because of the problems with my ex and all the bad things he said to me, Im having a bit of trouble knowing whats right and 'normal' in a relationship and I think because Im scared Im gonna lose this guy Ive been a bit too keen with wanting to see him etc. I haven't been saying he has to see me at all but I just feel better when hes around and I guess Ive been a bit much. When I was with my ex I thought nobody would ever want me, especially with all my problems, and Ive been trying to shake that as this new guy seemed so ok with it all, but now Im worried nobody will ever manage to deal with it and have a good relationship with me. I don't generally let my health stop me from doing things, I try really hard to help myself so I can still have a fun, happy relationship but I cant control what happens to my body and I don't want it to be the reason Im alone. I really think this guy is so nice and isn't trying to find an excuse to leave me, he says he really likes so many things about me and said he felt better after talking to me about it, but Im just scared Ill lose him or anyone else. I don't wanna be making his life miserable just cos Im struggling, I feel selfish even being with him! Theres so many issues and I just wanna be happy! Thank you if you read this far, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[flower99]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much. he does sounds like a great guy. One thing you said is 'he's annoyed with himself & can't understand better and feels so helpless' This says a lot to me. He really cares & he is really trying. Don't worry about losing him because worry will stress you out & harm your body further.

Enjoy what you have! because not amount of worrying can change what will be. Just cherish and enjoy him & the time you two have together, whether it be long or short. It's a reminder to you that there are many good people out there & ones who want to take a chance with you, ones who will try as hard as they can and put themselves in a helpless feeling position just to be with you! You're special to him, don't worry just enjoy!

[Suzynola]

Thank you for your input =) I guess im just finding it hard bringing all this negative stuff into his life and hes not used to it, I feel very guilty, and hearing him say how tough he's finding it really made me sad, I wanna make him happy, not bring him down. He said I do make him happy in lots of other ways but because of how I was treated before, I never feel good enough. Maybe after a while he will just get used to it all and it won't be much of an issue, I hope so cos I do really like him, I need to find the right balance though so I dont overwhelm him! I guess I also find it so hard to believe he wants to be with me anyway so I want to be perfect and I cant, I know nobody is! Its just so tricky and I want things to work out