I'm with this guy, but I might be setting myself up to get hurt?

[doglover95]

Okay, so I am 18 and this guy is 26, and we have been seeing each other for about a month now. Not official yet, but everything so far is amazing. He is so attentive & caring of me. He makes me feel beautiful and tells me a lot, hes just very very sweet, and we click blah blah everything's great. I think because everything is so great and hes everything I could ask for in a man I am over looking crap which is bad.... Now to the point..everything is wonderful except the fact he lives with his ex & other roommate as of now, I know huge red flag, and I have ignored red flags in the past and been burned... but anyways he signed a lease, but then they broke up so he has to finish the lease which is up at the end of this month.. he will be moving out then. Which I am happy to hear, but some stuff has happened that irritates me. He says he has no emotional or physical attraction to her anymore. However, she does and still wants to be with him. I would be more okay with things if she wasn't so insane & immature. She is a 24 year old grown woman acting like a child. We have only hung out a couple times at his place, the other times were just annoying instances. But today just pissed me off. Sooo him & I did molly last night. (do not judge unless you try it, OMG.) haha but anyways, we were sleeping all day and I had to take a piss real bad so I went and when I came back downstairs she was at the bottom of the stairs "reminding him that its mothers day" I just rolled my eyes and went back to bed..a little while later, he & I were cuddling so peaceful then she comes down..and it woke us up, he said something like "its freakin cold in here" and she was like "well, you looked pretty warm!" she then proceeds to sit down accross from me, and talk to me and ask me about myself and my life. I am like " you look so dumb right now" wish I said it. But I didn't want to say anything because shes a psychotic and would ruin his if something set her off, that's all that's really holding me back. Plus, she was being annoyingly nice. I am really just embarrassed for her. I was just really pissed off, because he knows I do not like her and he didn't make her leave...they just talked about apartments and . She finally left, and I was like "what the ?" told him like why didn't you tell her to go upstairs..then she opens the door and yells to him "hey, can you come up here I wanna talk to you?" I gave him a demon look like " if you want da booty you better not go up there" but he did, he knew I was pissed yet again. He was only up there for like 10 seconds.. but the fact of the matter is he still went. Like do I matter to you at all????? I feel like I come in second when we go to his house. And its so frustrating. I feel things are starting to take a step forward..we aren't talking to anyone else, we spend a lot of time together, and we first had sex a couple nights ago.. I just feel he should take me seriously. But yeah, not gonna lie I started to tear up, I held it in...it just feels like deja vu.. because every relationship I have been in.. the ex has been a problem, been cheated on & left. I wanna believe hes different, but I've put my trust in guys & it just hasn't worked out. He is saying he knows that it hurts her to see him with another girl, so hes trying to be respectful..I get you care for her, I care for my exes too..but when you want to move on with someone you have to focus on them. He doesn't get that, and I don't think he's considering my feelings. And when I asked him about communication w/ her after hes moved out and he said their might be some.. he told me she doesn't really have anyone because she is a foster child blah blah, like yeah thats sad but she can make friends. I told him I don't think their should be any contact.. and I know for a fact this is going to be a problem and one day its going to come down to me saying its her or me. And I am afraid for that answer, only because of my past. I do not think exes can be friends at all especially if their is an emotional tie on one side, or unless you have kids..other than that..there's just no reason for it..... So what do you guys think of the whole situation? I just need opinions as to what I should do.

[SpottiOtti]

I think it sounds like the guy is doing the best he can in this situation. Cut him some slack. If you are going to get involved with a guy who still lives with his ex, this is what you sign up for. Try to be patient and just see what happens after he moves out.

[Iggles]

Hah. You feel embarrassed for her?? The feeling is probably mutual.. You're sleeping with a guy in the same home that he shares with his ex-girlfriend. You're asking for trouble. At the bare minimum, lock the door!

 

Truth is, you're in her house and her territory. For all you know they can be still sleeping together and laughing about you when you're not around..

 

In any break up, there are 3 sides to a story. His, hers, and the truth. It's going to be awkward when you're in close quarters with people who fairly recently broke up.

[CeeLambrini]

It sounds like you are a rebound, in all honesty. A man who wants to get serious with you would not put you in the uncomfortable position of spending time at the home he and his ex shares. And as a shared house renter, she will be using 'housemate' status to pull him away from you whenever she gets the excuse, and he will have to do it as she has every right to speak with him privately about house matters.

If he really cared about her feelings and wanted to be respectful he would not bring you round the house at all. He wants her to see you, he wants to make her jealous. The fact is, she is probably laughing right now because she still has the power over him to pull him away from you even if you do try to scowl and hint that he isn't to.

I would put off anything serious with this guy until he moves out of the house, including sexual intimacy because in the case of the rebound, that is what he will be using you for.

[doglover95]

Well, it never occurred to be I could be a rebound because they've been broken up for 5 months now..and not to be conceited, but you know when you're better than someone. But now I am extremely sad. Thank you everyone. But he says she is a friend. And the only reason why we go to his house is because I asked him too since I still live at home..and we need somewhere to go. And he wanted to wait to have sex, I was the one who wanted to because its been 6 months before him since I've had sex with a guy, and I find him extremely attractive. But that's besides the point.. So what do I tell him? Like seriously I am about to cry.

[chr8st8na]

well i do think its disrespectful that he goes to her when you are there. but yea maybe he is doing the best he can right now and you are getting overly emotional about it. i think the problem is more of you tho... you have trust issues.

 

also if you asked to go see him at his house knowing his ex is there, then you let yourself in to this situation. if you don't want him to have any more contact with her, then say it now or forever hold your peace. he's not a mind reader. also im sure you two can work together where his contact with her is limited. you just have to trust him if he tells you he limits his contact to her.

[Iggles]

And the only reason why we go to his house is because I asked him too since I still live at home..and we need somewhere to go.

 

Neither of you have your life in order! 5 months is not long to be out of a relationship. Especially because they've probably been on and off, or hooking up for a portion of that time. If he felt terribly uncomfortable sharing close quarters with her after the break up he would have arranged to move out ASAP and get someone else to pay his portion of the rent as a new roommate.

 

But he hasn't.

 

You are fresh out of high school or finishing up your senior year. It's normal for someone your age to live at home. This guy is eight years older than you. What's his excuse?

 

He should be financially independent and not relying on someone else's income to help pay the rent (ie, his ex-girlfriend). He's willingly stayed living with an Ex and bringing his new girl home to have sex. It's uncomfortable for you and the ex, but he's getting his cake and eating it too with this arrangement.