A New Hope

[meoww]

Memo to myself: if you don't get to the root of a problem, it won't make a difference if you spend all your time and effort working around it, it's not going to be resolved.

 

Applying similar methods, over and over again doesn't mean, oh I tried and I'm off the hook now.

If you have a cavity, it makes no sense to brush your leg or something.

 

When it comes to the most difficult situations of all, like my mentally ill mother,

 

I've always had a feeling that her neediness and insecurity need to be treated with the utmost compassion, no matter how much of a monster she is, no matter how evil and malicious her actions are.

She's also motivated to change her behavior when she feels exposed, like people know the truth about her.

I've been able to improve her mental condition quite a bit, simply by giving her nicer things. Because of the heinous crimes she committed against me, I know I'm fundamentally off the hook in terms of loving her as a person, as my own mother.

 

But the Ellliot Rodger incident made me realize that I still have somewhat of a responsibility to make sure she isn't a threat to her community and children. I have somewhat of a responsibility to make sure she is stabilized, and to make sure she is nor around children unsupervised. Exposing her isn't about revenge or retribution, it's just a type of public service, what needs to be done to break down the walls of secrecy and shame that keep people like her mentally ill, and in a perpetual state of misery and insecurity. To dial down the trauma, inflame it less, even if nothing can be done about her mentall illness.

 

It was triggering for me, to delve deeper into the mindset of someone so troubled, but so illuminating for me at the same time.

 

It took me too long to be up to the task of dealing with someone as despicable and pathetic as my mother, wondering why in the hell she was my burden, it always terrified me that someday I might have to go through this alone if I ended up having a disabled child or worse, a sociopathic child or something.

So far in my life. the only people who resemble true sociopaths in my life are people who exhibit more normal behaviors. Haha seriously.

 

I used to think my mother was a sociopath, but like this Elliot guy, she perceives everything as an insult, and has a grandiose sense of entitlement to barely mask the neediness and sense of impending doom in her life. It is so damn confusing.... And I can see, because she has made such improvement, since realizing her emotions and reactions were way too extreme, and examining her past history of neglect, rejection, maybe rather than being totally abused in the sense that I was, maybe she suffered an even more nuanced and complicated kind of abuse. Who knows, maybe it is also true that my own grandmother was resentful of the opportunities my mother had for being above average in intelligent. I have seen so many covert instances of sabotage by normal people that it wouldn't surprise me at all.

 

Like Elliot, she was the family scapegoat in what looks like from the outside an ok family. I don't know if she was as smart as him though, she is certainly no where near as self aware. But she is socially awkward and tends to be jealous of normal people...and she gets out of control when she thinks there is no way for her to change.

 

And no one could help her, because no one loved her anymore after she acted too creepy and pathetic for too long, when at her core, she felt rejected and hated herself.

 

He planned to kill his younger brother so that the younger bro couldn't surpass him. That sounds like what my mother did to me, she wanted to kill me for surpassing her and rejecting her.

 

So ultimately, even though she is a total pain in the ass and a drain on society, the only thing we can really do is treat these people with respect and compassion, even if it isn't clear which ones are going to snap and go all psycho.

 

So that's a new conclusion for me to reach. Isolation, and shame, are these weird byproducts sometimes. We the healthy people, feel repulsed by these sick people, and sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, we don't mean to hurt them. Tough love has never helped me, and in people who think it helped them, i see the same intolerance and unhealed wounds, unhealed parts of themselves that are closed to true understanding. So sometimes we even want to humiliate these awful people for being so pathetic and needy, but, in a way, they always come to back to try to show us who has the real power.

 

In that guys case, it was through killing. My mother is the same way, she has to prove her power. War is raged by people who are okay with destruction, I'm just not okay with that. So compassion is my only weapon.

 

Even the most seemingly well adjusted people will want to keep you from making improvements in your life. A lot of these people enjoy putting labels on people, like "loser" or "weirdo" and take great satisfaction in knowing those labels can't be applied to them. It's like a major source of their stability comes from feeling like they are the opposite of these labels they put on other people who are weaker than them. So my mother, like a lot of people, has been a major victim of this system.

 

That was outlined to me in the "Drama Triangle" about how the rescuer role is also toxic, the role of kind of being the judge. People can be so twisted that even their own normal behavior can be used as a weapon to keep others from attaining the same level of normalcy.

 

Oh, I also forgot this, since I've seen her improve immensely, even though the progress might be too slow to justify any interaction with her, but I still know that it is possible to help these severely ill people.

 

It might take her 20 years to become human. there is a huge resistance in me to want to care, because of how horrible she made my life, but I guess I'm going through what a lot of people go though, like Elliot Rodger's victims' parents, losing a child due to some sick person's mental illness and past trauma. Part of you knows you don't have to care, part of you is like, you took everything from me, why do you deserve anything, even numbness seems too much, let alone anger or love. Can a lifetime of abuse be forgiven, even when you try to educate the abuser on what they are doing wrong, and try to help them make their life more comfortable? Can you forgive a murderer? After how much time, how much regret?

 

Even as a victim of severe injustice, with all the most powerful revenge fantasies I had in my head, even as I simultaneously blamed myself for not handling the situation in the most effective way, even though I wen through ALL that, just to arrive at the conclusion that revenge isn't real, it simply can't be carried out. There is no justice for crimes, even if laws try to give us an artificial sense of resolution. There is no such thing as punishment.

 

So that's kind of why I think that you have be nice to even the worst people.

To me, they kind of come in two categories:

 

1) people who are good inside, but do terrible things. Sometimes it is a single isolated incident, sometimes it is multiple instances of bad things, but accompanied by guilt and sadness.

 

2) people who are bad inside, but don't do anything overtly terrible, they do things in a covert manner, or are terrible because they have no compassion, no feelings, and lack humanity.

[meoww]

I saw my old backpack from 4 years ago and the first thought that ran through my mind was, oh that's that dead girl's backpack.

 

There's such a disconnect between my pre and post healing self.

 

I wonder why I can't seem to bridge the two. Logically, you could say I just healed but I literally feel like 'she' is definitely not me.

 

'I' was born after my break up/abandonment and after telling my therapist my abridged life story, I'm just me--without the anger.

 

I still have exhausting vivid dreams, they aren't about my family anymore, thank god

 

I still get tired a lot but it's not that frustrating

 

Mostly I'm just scared to pick up the pieces of my life.

That's all I have left to do

 

It's hard for me to imagine being close the people I used to be close to. I don't get what I ever saw in them. It's easy for me to move on in that respect.

[meoww]

I feel like I've always been so relaxed in my head, when my big reveal was only like 2-3 weeks ago.

 

The elliot rodger thing pulled me into a anxious and reflective place for about a week, he reminds me of my mom in that he was irrationally fixated on one particular theme his whole life and in some ways it's one of those things where ppl try to help for years but nothing helped. So you have sympathy if you don't know the person and don't know how stressful it is to actually be around them, but I mean, who knows maybe he really was just a bad person who happened to get fixated on a particular issue. Evil people always have an excuse.

[meoww]

Had to take a little snack break. It keeps crossing my mind that i went through all this just so I could be a , am I allowed to use that word. Cutting off my parents and everyone I know because my true self is a mindless drone like everyone else. I went through a bunch of phases trying on different identities, and guys. It's hard to say, I'm no longer trying whatsoever to be authentic. Weirdly I don't even care what is or isn't the truth. What I find attractive is changing.

 

I'm beginning to feel comfortable in every situation. Feeling less like a sub human every time I open my mouth.

[meoww]

In the end, it just turns out I'm totally a product of my generation in every way. I sort of knew that deep down, especially because I know I'm such a follower. Being abused doesn't really make me any better as a person, I might more empathetic and open on the inside but on the outside I feel completely forced to conform if I want to have a satisfying life. I'm totally not immune to the pressure to be desirable, superficial (in the literal sense) and cool over all other pursuits. What a waste of time it is in the end to be sincere if you just end up selling out anyway.

 

That's where I feel the most regret, and feel the most stupid. Sans abuse experiences, I'm just one of those interchangeable girls with the aqua colored tanks and long hair. That's all I am. That's all I'm allowed to really be, honestly. That was another "elliot rodger" realization I had. Being smart is literally a handicap in many situations, am I too aspie to understand their rationale? Or are normal people, as gorgeous and stoic and athletic as they are, really just that stupid a lot of the time?

 

The ending to my abuse story and the beginning to my real life. As I suspected I'm not allowed to use the s word, but I'm expected in the real world to be a toned down version of exactly that. Otherwise, I'm "old fashioned" or worse, get left out of all the fun. I didn't get the memo that being orange was the ultimate symbol of progress.

 

I have done things I could never tell any judgmental girlfriends. But they are expected to look like people who do those things for money. Which I don't even have a problem with, I'd be a hooker I could.

 

See just getting worked up about how all this makes no sense.

[meoww]

Seriously I just need to get a fake tan and make my brain shut up and I'll be fine.

 

It makes it hard when I can't tell if it is my mother or me that doesn't want to be that.

 

That's the part of me that I have to fight every day. I have to get that part of me to shut up. I used to think that part of me was wrong, but I don't think that's actually true, but I need to just shut up and conform already.

 

My mind is like the last frontier on that front. My mind is trying to trick me in all sorts of ways so it doesn't conform...

 

But I'm so close I can taste it

My brain is saying stuff like,

 

Thinking is overrated unless you're solving a problem, getting a grade, or doing a job.

 

Lol equal parts resentment and truth

But I don't want to be living a twisted truth

 

What I want is to be happy, even if it means doing a few things that I now feel uncomfortable with

 

This is so hard

I'll assume on blind faith that my remaining resentment is mostly from my abuser

And let it go.

 

So no more complaining about how awful ppl are.

[meoww]

This will be the last day I allow myself to entertain that fear. Being ambivalent is more painful than being totally convinced. I'm done with the whole thing, standing alone in my values, always too afraid to say what I believe. I'm done being a secret warrior. I have never been able to change people. The harsher and more vapid I am, the more power I have. So I can't keep thinking I'm vapid, I have to believe that I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe that these expectations are better than the ones I have.

 

I hate it when I get into that mindset, the anger I feel that it's not even that people are shallow but that they are just downright bad, I wonder why like literally no one else has my problem. I would know because I'd be able to spot them a mile away. You can see my subtle resistance in the way I dress, keeping one foot in my idealistic, girlie little world. But I'm like in this club of one. Probably because my parents are some of the grossest creatures to ever walk this planet. That's probably why I don't get this world.

 

I know that and yet sometimes I just don't seem to care about that.

 

I seem to just want to change the world when it is so much better the way it already is lol.

[meoww]

Putting words to thoughts I have never actually said out loud but return to continually is the best thing. For some reason it makes it possible to move forward and beyond.

 

I know now, from what I've written today, that I want to move on. Whatever ego resistance I'm experiencing I want to conquer and just get through to the other side. I don't want to keep knocking on this door and running away every time the door opens for me.

[meoww]

Nerds, hipsters, hippies, super religious nut jobs, and my mother have something major in common. Some of them are on a crusade to be authentic and righteous just like her. Shallow, that was like the worst thing in my mothers mind. The worst kind of person you could be. Shallow--to her meant a lot of things--like ambition, going out with friends, listening to pop music, wearing flattering clothes, going abroad, taking trips, having hobbies, eating different kinds of foods, trends, bright colors, liking sports, basic social niceties....basically anything that didn't involve sitting at home or studying was judged by her as completely irrelevant and worse, fundamentally evil. The more I crawl out from under her iron fist I can see how distorted her lens is.

 

I still carry my fleas

So I try to get them out on here.

My fleas, so itchy

I'm so used to being eaten alive by fleas

Plus, like I said, there are tons of people who almost as crazy who don't necessarily have a history of abuse...or well it's impossible to know.

Her world is literally black and white, like she lives in another world. I know she's a zombie now. She's really just wearing a human skin, she was lost a long time ago and I wouldn't be surprised if she was always evil.

[meoww]

My fleas:

 

I haven't directly addressed them even though that's what a lot of my writing has been about.

 

It's hard to explain my fleas because they came from such a weird and diseased individual but

 

Haha I seriously can't even, explain it because it is so illogical

 

In relationships:

Ignore my desires almost completely, suppress them entirely because my desires are "too shallow" or my standards are too high and no decent man would ever cross my path let alone be interested in me

 

Something like, I need to care for this gross guy because I'm the only one that understands, I have to help him because he is sick in the head, I shouldn't be shallow and he is smart so that means we have a connection compared to these mediocre people I'm always around. And a liberal dash of more self injury--you're not pretty, no hot guy would ever like you.

A sense of duty above all

 

Duty

Integrity

Her two obsessions became mine because she wouldn't let me be anything else

Everything else was too threatening for her

Just like that creepy Elliot guy. This thought of other people and the thought of me going to parties, working jobs we actually enjoy, weddings, baby showers, trips abroad, having a great sex life, all that general life stuff

Freaked her out so much

Made her unbearably jealous of the whole world that she convinced herself that she didn't need it and she would stop at nothing to make her own flesh and blood would never experience those things without extreme trauma and violence.

 

My fleas have been dealt with for the most part.

 

I've been trying to overcome the weird ideology I grew up with, there's this internal conflict in me, because I don't know what's real and what is a product of the abuse.

 

I can see why I used to gravitate toward people who depress and frustrate me.

[meoww]

I still make associations between unrelated things--ie like the tanning and vapid thing from today. They aren't really related and I tend to make negative assumptions about things and interpret them in horrible ways. I think it's horrible because it makes me feel horrible, so I assume that means that I shouldn't have such an negative emotional attachment to certain ideas.

 

I consider that part of my fleas.

 

My remaining fleas are being secretly cynical at times, like when I'm posting in my journal here. it's like demonic possession. In the moment I am somewhat convinced I'm right, but not really otherwise I wouldn't be self aware of how miserable it makes me feel to be cynical.

 

I don't want to be possessed by the spirit of my evil mother anymore!! I really don't lol

 

It's all part of her false sense of duty

So weird because she literally does nothing to help other people and bring happiness into the world

Yet she thinks she is above it all

And sneers at people who work so hard to live fulfilling lives

That's evil and it makes you powerless, and ignorant

Which is exactly what she is

[meoww]

I guess I'm stuck on this fleas thing right now because it's the next logical step. Addressed the root cause, being a silent sufferer, then I can actually start picking off my last fleas so that I feel clean and not totally ruined.

 

Off to find out about my fleas and figure out what to do next.

[meoww]

I feel so naked without my fedora.

 

(But so freeeee)

 

But is it fair to say that about myself? Child of a neckbeard and a mouth breather. I was basically born wearing it.

[meoww]

In therapy, sometimes I'm afraid to bring up when I feel the therapist is minimizing my abuse or giving off a somewhat defensive vibe. I keep thinking it's all in my head, but then she'll do this weird OTT stuff like narrow her eyes at me continuously in this exaggerated way, or be like, "how do you plan to do THAT?" when I say I simply want to make some new friends. I seriously just tell myself that maybe she has some kind of eye twitching condition or something haha.

 

It's helping me become very patient, lol. I don't know if this is intentional or not, I actually don't think it is. Anyway, I had planned at some point to bring up my discomfort but my intuition is like DANGER DANGER. So I think I'm just going to leave it alone.

 

I can manage my resentment in a healthy way. I think that I want to focus on the positives because I don't think I'm being manipulated, or led to make bad decisions. So as long as I feel like I'm not being hurt and she's not crossing any obvious ethical lines I don't think she's obligated to understand me 100% or agree with the way I perceive situations and how I see things.

 

I don't know, part of it is that I have given up on the idea of someone "understanding me." I know from experience that defensive people get 10 times worse when you confront them no matter how gently. So I don't want that to interfere with my treatment.

 

Before I'd get frustrated and view my responses as a weakness. Like, that I wasn't standing up for myself, being a loser instead of a winner like always

 

 

I don't feel flea ridden today/anymore.

[meoww]

I really wanted someone to tell me what I want to hear! Lol

 

You know, I don't trust my therapist as much I was hoping to be able to. I've been able to deal with that feeling by trying to put a positive spin on it, by recognizing that I have troubling trusting people's motives.

 

Therapy hasn't met my expectations. But despite the seeming lack of validation or even compassion from my therapist and as lonely as it has been in a way, it's made me stronger. It made me realize sometimes there is no place to be comforted, that maybe I can theoretically purchase unconditional positive regard from a therapist, but it's no replacement for love. I mean, that's not her fault. I guess therapy sucks because it's not fun, I'm already hard enough on myself.

 

Therapy can't fill the void in what is missing in my life, like friendship, love, new experiences. It's like a dead zone and it scares me sometimes, like why does this practice even exist?

 

My parents are very black and white, so I adopted their way of thinking for most of my life. Recently I finally started realizing that sometimes, even people you like or care about just don't get you. It's okay to have that inner strength to disagree and remain firm inside even if you look compliant on the outside.

 

I don't cope well (to put it mildly) with being misunderstood on issues that are emotionally sensitive for me, this mainly includes my experience of abuse. I feel really taken advantage of when people don't understand me or agree with me about my abuse.

 

So naturally this defensiveness comes up in therapy, but unlike real life I have to try to control it and examine it

 

Rather that being like

 

I'm wrong, and they are right

Or

They're wrong and I'm right

 

Which is the way I often process things.

[meoww]

This is so dark, crazy but it just has to go in here, it's all part of coming to terms with things. This is how I feel but I'm hoping to get through it and come out the other side feeling very differently about things. I hope no one reads this because it is so private. I hope that whoever does read it is someone who gets it. I honestly don't even get why I'm writing this for anyone to see, but I guess I want to keep a bit of transparency in my thought process. I don't want to keep my scariest thoughts completely bottled up inside where they'll slowly cut off my ability to think.

 

Since I seriously realized that my "life" is pretty much not really worth saving, I stay alive because I don't know what else to do given that death might be worse, but I know from just watching the world around me that I know things about evil and darkness in a way other people don't. I will literally never know what it is like to look at the world through such fresh, optimistic, innocent eyes.

 

That's bad enough but the absolute worst thing is that I'm also completely wired wrong, I just know it. Other people have their bubbles and I'm in between all these bubbles looking in, I'm like the space in between. My handwriting isn't bad but it's not good. I'm pretty but just something is not quite right, everything's just wrong but not so wrong you don't quite know how to put your finger on it, which is the worst. Sometimes I think I'd rather be more "ordinary" looking because at least

 

I think my mother may be the devil--or some kind of evil spirit, maybe not the most evil person who has ever lived, but part of this dark underworld that's on the edges of the normal world. Her life is literally like this weird terrifying underworld. Seriously, if my life has any kind of spiritual significance, she is the perfect representation of evil, how it tricks you into thinking it's not.

[meoww]

Tricking you into thinking it's not...

 

As long as I second guess my decisions, like in the nightmare I had about her, where she wasn't hostile toward me, holding my hand tenderly, and I woke up and cried for the first time in like a month. I haven't gone that long without crying in 3 years and it was all ruined

 

In that 2-3 minute time frame that I second guessed myself and blamed myself.

[meoww]

I like therapy and especially lately I feel like my therapist is very gentle and kind to me, which makes me worry something is going to go horribly wrong. I am still afraid that she is going to turn on me and start trying to manipulate me into making bad decisions. I'm also terrified of being blamed and treated with hostility. I'm afraid that there is a deep seated anger or darkness inside all people that only shows itself to me. That's seriously my biggest fear. That there is the world, full of so much diversity but no matter what I do, my life is programmed to be my own private hell. I need someone to tell me that's not true and that nothing is wrong and that I'm going to be okay and that the nightmare is over forever. I haven't told her about how that's my biggest fear and that sometimes weird things happen to me to make me believe it's true.

 

May feels like a lifetime ago, let alone the hazy memories of the last 3 years. Sometimes I'm lol honestly a bit impressed with how introspective I can be when I read my old entries, like wow I don't remember thinking that. I've had to let go of a lot of my videos and other tools that I used to understand and express myself during this process but what remains can be remarkable to me at times. These days, I'm surprised that I had such an obsessive need to understand the abuse. Yet, it was only through understanding it that I was able to let it go. There was just A LOT to learn, like 3 years worth of reading and processing and observing and recording.

 

I'm shifting my focus toward "real life" kind of stuff. I have a lot more time since I'm less preoccupied.

 

I can't believe I was able to like really, really open up. Like it's hard to explain. Even though i'm probably one of, if not the most emotionally open person I know, i have depth in a way i have never met anyone quite like me although I've seen people like me on the internet and on youtube etc. but I was too afraid to hold onto anything positive and make that a foundation for myself. I couldn't heal because every time I felt pain I also experienced so much shame that I was just never getting better no matter how many times I expressed that pain.

 

I'm letting go of my abstractions....until I feel like they aren't creating a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

[meoww]

Okay last post in this one because this about a trigger from ENA actually

Which is why I should avoid abuse related threads.

But they say don't judge a person judge their actions, so I'm going to try not get all worked up and overgeneralize about the people who triggered me.

 

So Hey if anyone is reading this journal please read this: I flagged this rude af response on another thread and actually kind of got trolled by a mod for it, which honestly didn't surprise me but it disappointed and frustrated me so much. It wasn't exactly rocket science to see this other poster was being rude.

 

The story:

 

This other poster replied in a pretty objectively crass and unnecessary way to a person dealing with an sensitive issue, so I flagged their post for abuse. I have never been compelled to do that before. But I realized that one the benefits of our politically correct world, is a lot of people's issues are treated with more respect, so it was appropriate of me to flag the post for abuse. We don't tolerate misandry, misogyny, racism, and other remarks and seriously this was pretty offensive:

 

All this girl/woman wanted to was tell her friend of 8 years this really bad thing that happened to her and this other lady was like, "It's not your friend's job to know your burden, don't around telling people your darkest secrets, get a therapist." End of discussion. No one else had replied to the post at this point. How the hell is that allowed on an ADVICE forum? And this poor person had been keeping her mouth shut for years already, why would anyone say that and treat someone like they aren't capable of exercising their own judgment.

 

Telling a victim of violence that it wasn't their friend's (of 8 years) "job" to carry their "burden" of SIMPLY finding out about the violence. Completely shutting down discussion, and barely even qualifying it with this weak sauce, save it for your therapist, bs. That doesn't change the fact that the other parts of the comment were rude AF.

 

And what is most annoying is that it bothers me x10000 more because it is one of those things that is still socially acceptable to do in 2014 but I can all but guarantee it won't be in the next 10 years or so.

 

By the way why is that whenever someone uses the phrase, "with all due respect" they almost always mean the exact opposite. It's like they are holding up a huge flashing sign saying, I'm incredibly defensive! Ew

 

So this is what the mod said to me: basically it's okay say rude things to an abuse survivor as long as you just also make sure to say they should get therapy. As long as you tack that on at the end of your comment it means you are an understanding person who is taking the issue seriously.

 

Obviously they didn't phrase it like that but it was such a weird response, like what century am I living in!

 

Seriously there no need to be all condescending about it. I wasn't trying to be like, oh I'm so emotionally in tune with the universe and you're not ahhh

How do people not get this isn't okay, you wouldn't treat other victims of tragedy this way so why abuse victims. It might be a generational thing but I get triggered by people like this and let me tell you why:

 

I bet the mod didn't even read my full response. She just cherry picked one mistake I made in my logic, and completely ignore the sentiment in my comment which was that the other poster's comment wasn't useful on an advice forum

 

. I seriously get so triggered when people cherry pick! I get so disgusted, like are you really so childish that you're going to pretend we are arguing about something completely different just so you can win? I don't care about winning I care about being good to people,

 

Except people like that lol. But luckily I was able to cool my jets lol and not say anything I regret. Such is a life of abuse triggers.

 

Again, one good thing is that instead being like, that person is DISGUSTING, i can at least be like, that really upset me.

For me, that's a big leap.

 

Triggers are seriously so annoying

I feel stupid that I even care!

[meoww]

So that's it, closing this one down.