Don't know what to do, found out stuff but can't tell him...

[jealous2003]

Ok here's the scene in short. I've been with my guy for 2 years and we live together, but i have trust issues due to a prev relationhip, so I had a look through the messages on his mobile phone and found some flirty ones from some girls, then I looked at his e-mail and found he's signed up to singles sights to find girls in his area! I shoudn't have looked but now I have and i'm torn up about it and i can't confront him coz then he'll know i've looked. What the heck do i do?? Why is he so interested in meeting other girls. also on his profile for the singles thing he has said he's single and living with "roomates"!! AS IF!! Please help me I love him so much and I want to trust him so much and i don't want to be treated like this, i'm not a bad person

[arwen]

Hey Laura,

 

I am sorry that this happened to you. Again, so it seems. First of, he could do this just for excitement, which is not good, but it's not necessarily true that he cheated. But I am sure this feels as cheating too.

 

This is kind of what happens when you don't trust a person and start looking for proof. Now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are a few options, neither of them really nice, but anyway:

 

* you can be honest and tell him you checked his phone and sites. Then, at least ONE of you is the honest one.

* you can act as if nothing is wrong and be very sweet and loving, maybe he will start to feel guilty and fess up.

* you can create an account on the site and start to talk to him, see what happens if you suggest a meeting, and spill out the truth if he says yes to a meeting.

 

I am always pro-honesty. But I have never been in your situation... I know you must be so angry. You deserve better than this. I think you should really consider if he is what you want in life. It's difficult to break up when you love someone, but you should love yourself in the first place. If you love yourself you know you deserve way better than this.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse

[ticklebug]

sometimes confrontation is the ony way to go, even if it is uncomfortable. Yes, you shouldn't have snooped, but SOMETHING in his actions made it trigger the hair on the back of your neck due to previous experience.

 

If he is not treating you with the respect you deserve, then you need to call him on it and then get out of the relationship...otherwise you are just allowing yourself to be walked all over.

 

print out his profile, and place it on a table in your house where he will see it. Have him come to you to explain it.

 

If he tries to turn the tables on your for snooping, calmly say,

 

"right now, we are talking about your profile on this site and why it is there. If it wasn't there we wouldn't be having a conversation at all so I suggest you stop changing the subject and get on with explaining this"

[bnybrain]

Screw whether or not your a bad person. You did something that was wrong, OH WELL. We are are humans and thereforeeee bound to make a mistake or two. Fortunately, for your case, you acknowledge your wrong-doing. Now move on from that and be straight with him. CONFRONT HIS !@#@!.

 

Yeah, he has a lot of explaining to do and you have some re-evaluations to undergo. So here's what you do: Start your confrontation with a sincere APOLOGY disrespecting his privacy. That is the end of that. Then, ask for an explanation, tell him how stunned you are (as I would also be). Then ask him why he is hiding such crucial things from you. Ask him why, if he is no longer interested, he would do this "behind" your back as opposed to being honest with you. Then let him explain. Good luck.

 

This really sucks: to find out the guy you have loved for two years would do something like this. But you have to accept it, especially if he fesses up to it. Don't be so easy to forgive him- if that should be the case. Because if he really did post those things, become a member of a "singles" site, NO AMOUNT OF APOLOGIES is sufficient for you. You'll have to start defending yourself by sticking up for yourself and not cutting yourself short.

 

I know you love him, but if this is for real, remember that the second most important person, to your boyfriend, is YOU. You count too.

 

Best Wishes,

BnyBrain

[bnybrain]

Additionally:

 

I am all for what ticklebug says, it coldly concrete, having that piece of "evidence" right there staring him in the face. I also agree with staying calm and re-focusing if he should change the subject and explode on YOU.

[Mentor]

Going through your SO's e-mail without their knowledge is fraught with peril. I did this once during our breakup, when things were really unclear, and I will NEVER, EVER do that again. I betrayed the trust that comes implicit with MY love, and lessened myself as a person. It makes no difference what my partner is/is not doing. If I loved them I should not have been snooping. There are other ways to discover the truth. E-mail is like a diary, in it I confide some of my deepest, most personal feelings to some close friends. I would feel violated if someone went through my files behind my back.

 

Besides, what if you do learn something that you did not want to? Well, I don't have to explain to you the sticky situation that this places you in.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be lecturing, but for everyone reading this who is tempted to snoop...DON'T DO IT! No good comes of it.

[AlleyCat]

I think you should try to find a way to confront him about it without bringing up the fact that you were going through his email. If you do that, he'll start out being defensive and angry, and the conversation isn't likely to be as productive as it could be.

 

Here's an idea.... Could you pretend that one of your single friends came accross his profile and thought it sounded like him? That led you to check out the profile, and when you saw that it sounded like him (or maybe he even has a picture on the site?), you have a right to ask him about it.

 

This is a tough situation... Best of luck!!

[talo]

Jealous 2003, I wonder why you two are living together? Is it to learn to share, perhaps with the view of becoming committed to sharing?

 

If so, what is wrong with finding out what is not being shared? What is wrong in this context is not sharing.

 

Sharing what he is doing does not necessarily mean doing it with you; it means sharing what he is doing when he is not with you.

 

Sharing your feelings (about him not sharing) is part of sharing. Sharing is not being afraid to share.

[Kuronue]

I've done the same thing before actually, checked on my SO (Significant Other) mail before. I did find a few things that were questionable, but for the most part let it go. I did feel bad though, but not very. I figure this much. He would probably do the same thing with me (if he hasn't already, but I have nothing to hide). Does it lower me? Yea, but neither one of us was a saint to begin with. There is a deep feeling of care we have toward eachother, but it takes one to know one, it matter of speaking.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. I agree with the idea that something must have triggered you to want to do some background checking on him. It's called intuition, and people should listen to it more often, despite what moral garbage people toss at you. Remember you disrespected him after he disrespected you (in some manner you haven't mentioned). I still believe there is love between you--I do believe he loves you, but like a kid wants to see how far he can get away with (have his cake and eat it too, so to speak). You need to show him that, yea, you're a lot smarter than that and although you still love him and would take a bullet for him, he needs to get his act together. These things happen, but someone needs to be kicked into shape.

[OceanEyes]

Why is he so interested in meeting other girls. also on his profile for the singles thing he has said he's single and living with "roomates"!! AS IF!! Please help me I love him so much and I want to trust him so much and i don't want to be treated like this, i'm not a bad person

 

I always feel really bad for people who find things out like this. I understand how you feel. As a woman, you sometimes just get this "feeling" that something isn't right and have to know for sure. This is a gift and a curse at the same time.

 

I'm not going to say whether or not going through is e-mail was the right thing to do. It doesn't matter now, what matters is that you found your boyfriend signed up for a singles site, and read in his profile that he said he's living with "a roommate". OUCH.

 

First of, he could do this just for excitement, which is not good, but it's not necessarily true that he cheated. But I am sure this feels as cheating too.

 

This is one way of looking at it, but come on, what else is this guy doing for excitement that you don't know about? Doing something like this; betraying you, your trust, and your relationship just so he can get a little "ego kick" is pretty sad. I gotta tell ya, there's no way that I could EVER accept that.

 

I really hope that you can see how disrespectful it is that your boyfriend has done this. I know that sometimes you can be "blinded" by your love for someone, but you must be able to see how rotten he's being to you. Not only is he putting himself out there for other girls to see as a single man, but he's denying his relationship with you. In short, he wants to appear available. Doesn't this hurt like hell and make you want to get the heck out of the relationship?

 

You have to confront him for your own sanity. Screw that you went through his e-mail. If you would have trusted him and believed that he was genuine in the first place, you probably would never have done it. Of course going through his private things is wrong to some extent, but I believe that you had a good darned reason to, and that's been proven by what you found. Who is in the wrong here? HIM.

[tosing]

He's not into you.

 

He's using you for:

 

-sex

-a rent discount

-a trophy

 

Look for a roomate, find one, move, then leave a note for him telling him why. Its okay to apologize for invading his privacy as well.

[bnybrain]

Wow! Everyone has written such HELPFUL responses. I hope this helps you...

 

BnyBrain