Is there hope/ when to know when to end it.

[bluemoon]

Hi,

 

a few of you have probably read some of my previous threads on here before.

 

Today I have a simple or not so simple question?

 

When do you know that it's better to end a relationship.. and when do you know that it's worth trying to work out?

 

I suffer from depression and we've had lots of ups and downs in our relationship as to this day. I go from being all fine and happy in the relationship to doubting every single thing.

I had OCD thoughts at some point relating to the relationship which made me very anxious... and at this point I'm just tired of all of this.

Regardless the person I am in a relationship with is lovely. I can not help but question the relationship at re-occurring times and this could be due to simple things that he triggers... or some of my expectations not being met. I've began to feel more at unease in the relationship because of this.

 

We've both taken time to evaluate what's been going on and we're going to meet on Friday. My heart feels like breaking at the thought of not having him in my life any more.. while at the same time it feels strained by all this turmoil.

 

I could write a list of the things that don't suit me in our relationship but I have found that the the positives outweigh the good. I've had particular trouble these past few weeks as it seems my depression has gotten worse and I've been stuck more in my pattern.

I've indulged on fantasy and trying to escape my own reality- I've read that this can be common with depression, but infact I feel it damages my reality more.

 

I will possibly be getting some psychotherapy in the near future, and it's been quite a rollercoaster with the medication I've been prescribed.

 

I just don't know if my feelings towards the relationship are justified or if it is just my depression making this more difficult.

 

Has anyone been through something similar/ suffer from mental health problems and been in a relationship where the relationship was vastly impacted by this?

[poetryandlyrics]

Just what is it about the relationship that makes you doubt it? What issues? Any arguments? Or does it just come down to your worries? Do see a therapist. You mentioned OCD, so maybe it's relationship OCD-type but only a therapist can help you with that.

[mhowe]

I think it is time to end the relationship and get you and your depression sorted out.

Once you have stabilized and learned some coping tools, you will be better suited for a relationship.

 

Expecting someone else to cater to your depression and self esteem issues is asking too much.

[bluemoon]

Just what is it about the relationship that makes you doubt it? What issues? Any arguments? Or does it just come down to your worries? Do see a therapist. You mentioned OCD, so maybe it's relationship OCD-type but only a therapist can help you with that.

 

it comes down to my worries and also how we solve conflict.

It drags out too long, he responds to conflict in a way that unsettles on me - for example withdrawing and kind of shutting off which is the exact opposite from how I wish he would react. It makes the conflict feel a thousand times worse.

I know we both want to resolve conflict quickly but we both struggle with that interaction during conflict.

 

I think this is what has unsettled me most about the relationship and has made me start to obsessively seek out any other flaws that are minor,.. probably in order to protect myself in the long run as I feel my emotional needs aren't really met.

[bluemoon]

I think it is time to end the relationship and get you and your depression sorted out.

Once you have stabilized and learned some coping tools, you will be better suited for a relationship.

 

Expecting someone else to cater to your depression and self esteem issues is asking too much.

 

That's not a problem at all. I don't expect him to cure me. It's my own responsibility to deal with these issues, I don't think it's wrong to expect some sort of emotional support from the person closest to you. We all have needs from time to time.

[mhowe]

Having need of emotional support is one thing. Having depression is something else.

 

I read your other thread --- your bf is way past having the stamina to support your "needs".

[bluemoon]

Having need of emotional support is one thing. Having depression is something else.

 

I read your other thread --- your bf is way past having the stamina to support your "needs".

 

Yes but the problem is not that, it's that he didn't seem to be able to from the beginning: for example when it wasn't the depression rather something external that upset me.

That when I was freaking out about something- instead of just being there for me and being supportive he would freak out too and become distant.. which in turn made me more unsettled.

 

However, when he would become extremely upset, I would just be there for him and try and understand and put whatever I was feeling aside for the moment. I feel like I am giving and not receiving the same treatment back.

 

That I have depression is unfortunate and I take full responsibility for these feelings. But in a way his responses to me when I am in need of some sort of emotional support has made me feel more depressed in turn.

 

I'm thinking it might be something to do with age too.. we're both young and a lot of people my age are still quite immature

.. so maybe its just a matter of personal growth and time.

 

My problem is not knowing if it's the depression or a genuine red flag in the relationship or something that can be worked on.

I don't want to run from a potentially good relationship because it's the easy thing to do, and I'm sick of running away from things. I've learned a lot from being in this relationship and I genuinely love him as a person, just love is tricky sometimes and other times I'm just scared of the fact that you could either end up with this person forever or break-up. I think that realisation is what scares me the most. I don't feel ready for either, but if I'm not ready now.. when will I ever be?

[mhowe]

Then you are simply not compatable. You are essentially blaming him for not responding as you would respond. And that isn't his way.

And his own response triggers more emotional issues with you.

 

You are young --- this is not your "forever" guy. So let go, and find someone with whom you mesh better.

[bluemoon]

well i've felt resentment build up because of this and it's certainly fuelled my OCD thinking, but that's my own problem. I don't expect anything from him except to listen to me and how I feel and find a compromise. I'm not asking him to change, I love him for who he is and I can see he's not responding the way he wishes he could because he becomes overwhelmed. It doesn't seem like a personality trait to me- rather something that he adapted due to his own personal experiences from the past. Every relationship needs a little bit of compromise and adaptation, in my opinion, I don't think a good relationship could work otherwise. Things aren't always as black and white as you're telling me it is. Every person is different from another no one thinks the exact the same thing if there wasn't a human need to mesh with another then there would be no relationships. We are completely compatible in every other way other wise, I guess it takes time and patience.

 

I'm young yes but I don't think that would justify giving up a meaningful relationship just because it got hard. How will I ever learn to stick something through otherwise? When there is still a bit of hope and both parties are willing .. why not

[mhowe]

He isn't willing to adapt to dealing with you when you are depressed or emotional.

You can try all you want...but all it is doing is building resentment on your part and driving him away because he isn't responding to you the way you want.

[bluemoon]

He is willing to adapt, we have been repeating the same pattern over and over and are figuring out how to get out of it.

We don't verbally discuss issues and there is little to get upset about when we're together face to face. The conflict arises when my emotions and thoughts feel conflicted.

I really appreciate your input mhowe but I feel you didn't really read what I had actually written.. I wasn't asking for a blunt evaluation, I was hoping someone had been through something similar and share their experience.

 

Why do you insist that a break-up is for the best? You don't know me personally... I do suffer from depression but by no means should that mean the end of a relationship just because it gets tough? I would agree with you that a break-up would be for the best if I wasn't aware or in denial about my mental health. Every day I'm learning more about this and my short comings. Every relationship needs change/compromise to grow and expecting some emotional support from the person you love is valid. I do not expect him to lift me from my depression - that is up to me.

 

Have you been through something similar? I'd like to hear some of your experiences since you are twice my age and have lived longer than me.

PM if you want

[Danniiiw]

Hi bluemoon, i seem to be in a very similar situation! I am a very emotional person to begin with, so adding depression to that seems to give way to a lot of chaos. I am together with a great guy, very caring for the most part. But we keep getting in to small arguments that gets bigger. I often find myself disappointed as well, why doesnt he do this, why doesn't he do that? Why doesn't he ask me how i'm doing... for real. But mostly it comes down to communication issues. When i express how he makes me feel sometimes, he gets very defensive. I don't know if my "hurt feelings" were called for in the first place, am i overreacting? And it seems like everytime we hit a little bump, i go in to catastrofic thinking, should we break up, are we right for eachother? and i keep that going by finding every little fault in our relationship. I don't know if this means anything to you, but either way, i really symphatize with your situation!!!