Recently was broken up with, need to know if all hope is lost

[spierz817]

So I recently moved to NYC back in August of '13 and was welcomed by one of my long time best friends. He introduced me to his friend group that he went to college with and I became great friends with all of them. Over time I started noticing one of the girls more and more and started showing interest. Back in late December I went to her house and we had some drinks and really got to know each other. I gave her a kiss goodbye and immediately knew I was on to something special. I took her out on a great date and then the magic began. She was everything I have been looking for in a girl; smart, funny, fun, outgoing, truly good, and beautiful. Three months of nothing but amazing times. Going to museums, discovering new restaurants, grabbing drinks after work. It was all absolutely amazing.

 

We were taking things slow too. We weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend but we played the parts. We bought each other gifts, spent a lot of time with each other, and talked constantly. Everything was perfect. She wanted to take it slow though because she had recently broke up with her ex in October, who was the first love of her life, and wasn't ready for a serious relationship yet but we talked about our future and agreed thats what we wanted down the road. That was back in February. A little under a month ago she and her ex talked because they agreed when he moved back to the states they would Skype just to talk. He wanted to get back with her and move to NYC and she said she didn't want that. I believe her.

Two weeks ago, April 1st of course, she told me she wanted to talk. I knew what that meant. She told me that ever since her ex contacted her it made her realize that she really wasn't ready for anything else. I asked her if she was getting back with her ex and she said that was never happening, he and her were done. She needed to deal with her own feelings first before she could give herself to someone. I was very agreeable and said I would do what she need to do to be happy because thats what she deserves. She told me she was speechless at out understanding I was and how great of a person that showed I was. I did try a couple more times over a week and a half to get her back. I offered to take things back a notch so she doesnt feel pressure. I told her that she really meant a lot to me and I wanted her to still be a part of my life. But none of that worked. She told me for some reason, she can't explain it, her romantic feelings for me suddenly turned into friendship feelings in the course of less than two weeks. She said she doesn't understand it because we have so much fun together and she really enjoys spending time with me. I told her I really hoped that in a month or two months, however long it takes her to find what she needs, she would give me a call and want to start things over.

 

Its been two weeks and I'm still really broken up over it. I know I really do want to be with her. She is the first girl I've fallen for in over two years, ever since I went through a very tough breakup with my ex. I thought we were on to something very special. She thought so too all until a few weeks ago.

 

So my question to you all is how realistic is it that I can somehow make things work again? I know I can't force it on her. I just need to hope her feelings for me come back. I think that will happen when we see each other out with friends and see how much fun we can have together.

[mhowe]

You cannot somehow make things work.

However, if you disappear from her life....except for mutual friend get togethers, and stop calling/texting/trying or hanging out one on one, she just might

realize that she does have romantic feelings again.

 

But you cannot be too cool for school. You have to rein in your romantic feelings and treat her just like part of the gang.

[sharky988]

Hi and welcome!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you were her rebound guy. She used you to get over her breakup and now she's feeling stronger and doesn't *need* you there to make her feel happy.

 

It's good that you're giving her space -- keep doing that. And give yourself space, too, so you can continue to recover from this.

 

There's really nothing you can "do" in this situation to make her feelings come back, that's going to depend on her. But you should be doing everything possible to make her experience the loss of you in her life -- that means NOT making yourself an available Plan B, disappearing from her world, online and off.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting! There's lots of great advice here.

[spierz817]

Thanks so much for your response. I hate to think of myself as a rebound guy even though thats what it seems I am. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the thought that her feelings for me are totally gone given the circumstances. We never had one fight, one disagreement, one moment of unhappiness. So why is it so easy for her to give up on us? Why can't she search deep down in herself and realize that we were on to something special. She said she doesn't know if her feelings for me have changed just for the time being or for good. I really hope it's just for the time being. I think she has a problem with suppressing her feelings and I hope she takes this time to really figure out that we were a great match.

[sharky988]

I hope she realizes it, too -- but you need to be aware that this rarely happens. Usually, a breakup is for good. And if you become involved with someone who's recently been through a breakup and asking to "take it slow".... that's a huge red flag they're not really ready.

 

Don't allow her to keep you on the backburner with "maybe someday". Make a firm break and let her feel the loss of you in her life... otherwise she'll do as many dumpers do and try to keep you around as her emotional safety net while she adjusts to being single.

 

If you make yourself scarce, she may start to feel the weight of what she's lost and reconsider. But I really don't think you have any chance of this happening unless she's given time to *miss* you. In your shoes I'd be blocking her on Facebook and all social media sites and disappear completely from her world. Avoid hanging out in places she's likely to be. Go ninja -- and put the focus back where it belongs: on YOU and your life, on healing and feeling better.

 

Just imo.

[spierz817]

I'm afraid she isn't feeling the loss of me though. She seems to be just find that we're done. I feel like a jerk for being so sad over it when I know she isn't.

[sharky988]

You need to keep the focus on YOU. I know it's hard and you want to keep thinking about her and what she thinks and how she feels and what she wants.... but you need to force yourself right now not to do that and instead find things in your own life to focus on.

 

Check out the recovery guide, there's good information in there. Also keep reading through threads here and you'll see how other people are coping.

 

Make sure she's confronted with the loss of you by BLOCKING HER everywhere you go online and not being anyplace she can see you with mutual friends. Disappear from her world. Focus on YOU and find something to obsess about that isn't her that makes you feel good.

 

Exercise is perfect -- if you're not working out hard, every day, now is the time to start.

 

Look for other things you can do to feel better. Find something to pour yourself into -- a new hobby or goal or sport -- anything that feeds your soul.

[itsallmental]

I'm afraid she isn't feeling the loss of me though. She seems to be just find that we're done. I feel like a jerk for being so sad over it when I know she isn't.

 

Hey man,

 

Keep this in mind, there are far too many variables right now to jump to any conclusion. She may not be struggling as much as you are, but she also might be. But either way, right now, she's taking time for herself. Focus on you, take things day by day. I highly recommend maintaining no contact. There's nothing you can do to change her mind, but her experiences, thoughts, and emotions may lead her to reconsider.

 

Don't think of yourself as a rebound, you shared a special connection, even if that didn't work out for her at this point in her life. Don't dwell on the possibility of her coming back, but do leave the door open. Don't chase her, allow yourself time to think clearly. If it's meant to be, she will contact you. If not, remind yourself that you've found someone once, you can find someone again.

 

Best of luck!

[spierz817]

Thanks! I've gotten better of the past few weeks. No contact really except an email from her about job opportunities because she knows I'm looking. I've basically come to the conclusion its over. I haven't seen her out at parties yet but it's just a matter of time. I think I'll be strong enough to at least keep a strong exterior and appear just fine.