No actual NC, but keeps calling and hanging out...confused

[Hellokatie]

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I called him this morning to ask him whether he wants to go down to the beach toether this afternoon(swimming and surfing are always the thing we enjoy). When I called, he refused and said he had just finished night shift then and he needed sleep this afternoon.

 

However, he made time this afternoon with me. We had a great fun down at the beach. He spent time teaching me surfing which he hadn't done for a while(most time we went down to the beach, he would go surfing himself.)

 

On the way back, we had a relaxing chat just like before. However, as soon as I started to feel it is not a relationship any more, I felt sad and confused. I didn't want to misinterpreting a wrong signal of his effort of getting back together. So,

 

I asked him directly is he giving some signal to get back together? He said definitely NO. He insisted what he decided and told me he couldn't see the future for us.

 

But he said he still enjoys my company and we could still have a meal together, go down to the beach together...

 

Well, I felt totally down. I told him not to contact with me anymore because it hurts. He thought I meant we are not going to see each other anymore, he began to look terribly sad. He asked me: can I call you tomorrow? (He was in a hurry to another work, crazy workaholic at the moment)

 

What is he thinking about? I really don't want to guess but I just feel so confused and hurt.

 

He definitely enjoys being with me, but he doesn't sound like to take it as a relationship anymore. He said it is a life decision for him to make whether to be with me and he thinks no future for us. Has he really made up his mind to break up for a good or just kind of natural behaviour that try to protect himself because I proposed to break up several times which hurt him deeply?

 

I really don't know what to do now。。。。

 

1. Want to be with him(in a long run)

2. Need to move on with my life(in both short or long run)

[shes2smart]

I asked him directly is he giving some signal to get back together? He said definitely NO. He insisted what he decided and told me he couldn't see the future for us.

 

But he said he still enjoys my company and we could still have a meal together, go down to the beach together...

 

This strikes me as being a little selfish on his part...he still wants to enjoy the pleasure of your company, but says there's no romantic future for you. If he knows how you feel (you seem to want to get back together) and he's playing this kind of "let's be friends" game....ugh. A real friend wouldn't ask you to continue a relationship if they were aware how much it was hurting you to do so. Why put yourself through that BS?

 

Well, I felt totally down. I told him not to contact with me anymore because it hurts. He thought I meant we are not going to see each other anymore, he began to look terribly sad. He asked me: can I call you tomorrow?

 

Your answer needs to be "No." It obviously hurts and confuses you when you interact with him. He may be ready to view your relationship as one of platonic friends, but you are not. You need to take care of yourself here, because he's not going to do it for you. Nor should he be expected to -- we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. That means you need to set up some boundaries and not put yourself into situations you know are going to hurt you.

 

Some people can change gears after a romance and be friends. Some people can be friends after a period of NC. Some can never be friends with a former romantic partner. You're obviously not in that first group...you need to figure out which of the other 2 groups you are in.

 

By keeping in contact with him, you are not allowing yourself time to heal and get over the relationship, so it's going to continue to be confusing and hurt you.

 

Put it this way -- if you had just had surgery, would you keep picking at the wound and removing your stitches? You wouldn't if you wanted the surgical site to heal.

 

Do yourself a favor...enforce NC until you've had time to heal BEFORE you try having a friendship with him. He's told you that he doesn't see a future with you as a couple, so it's time to move on.

[marolua]

If you are sure that you wanna see him and be with him, my advice would be to be together, which means see him, spend time with him, but at the same time do not be too available for him whenever he calls. This means that 'be around him, but stay calm and cool and act like you have totally forgeted about getting back together'.

this might seem as too much tactical, but it seems this is the way things work out, but let me add that, this might hurt more than it hurts now, and you might not be able to succeed.

Or you might move on your own way, which you would do is your decision, but remember that putting too much effort might not make a relationship better.

[Hellokatie]

The problem here is we couldn't see a way out to solve our problems right now and I don't know the near future. And it seems that a life decision is not going to be easily changed for him.

 

So, if we still hang out together how can he have a chance to see a dramatic change for both of us.

 

However, if we stop contacting each other, we might just move apart from each other's life. Time and space will rush out a lot of feelings which I think is the last thing I hold against him.

 

But at the moment, both of us feel great pain after we meet up each time.

 

Probably I should try NC for a while for us to heal and then start a friendship, if we could.

 

But friendship is not what I want. //cry

 

It hurts.......

[shes2smart]

The problem here is we couldn't see a way out to solve our problems right now and I don't know the near future. And it seems that a life decision is not going to be easily changed for him.

 

So, if we still hang out together how can he have a chance to see a dramatic change for both of us.

 

However, if we stop contacting each other, we might just move apart from each other's life. Time and space will rush out a lot of feelings which I think is the last thing I hold against him.

 

But at the moment, both of us feel great pain after we meet up each time.

 

Probably I should try NC for a while for us to heal and then start a friendship, if we could.

 

But friendship is not what I want. //cry

 

It hurts.......

 

I understand that you're hurting. That is part of life on the physical plane, though. You are still young...is this the first significant break-up you have gone through? These things do get easier with time. As you get to know your own unique healing process you'll be able to speed up your recovery time. The only way to get familiar with that is to go through it.

 

Everything that happens is for our highest good. What people lose sight of is that "highest good" is not necessarily "immediate good." Over the course of your life, people will come and go. Some will be part of your life for a while and then be gone forever, some will pop up multiple times, and some will be around constantly until their death or yours. In every case, life unfolds as it should in order for you to learn the lessons you are here to learn.

 

I started dating my college bf when I was 19 and he was 21. We went through hell and back together -- abusive parents (mine), eating disorder (mine). He got me out of their house, walked with me through the eating and body image issues, and I was 100% convinced we'd get married and be together for the rest of our lives. I was completely sure there wasn't a better match in the world for me.

 

I was wrong.

 

Most people change so much from their late teens to their late 20's that in a lot of ways, they are not the same person by the time they hit 30. We broke up when I was 27 and he was 29. I didn't have any contact with him for nearly a year...I couldn't, it was incredibly painful. But, after that time had gone by and we each learned to live alone and be single and date again, we were able to develop a close friendship that continues to this day.

 

I was single for the better part of 10 years after breaking up with him, and after several relationships and more dates and flings I care to recall, figured I'd be single for the rest of my life. Then I met the most amazing man...in many ways he was and is the male version of me...and at the age of 38 I got married. BTW, my husband and my college bf get along famously...when we all lived in the same city the two of them would go hang out together.

 

You never know what life is going to hold in store for you. If you can detach from your situation just a bit, and entertain the thought that there are better things waiting for you up the road, it may make this current transition easier. You cannot make other people do (or not do) anything. If your ex isn't ready to make that commitment, you have to accept that. You don't have to like it, but you do have to accept that is his truth, and deal with what is.

 

If continuing to see each other just ends up hurting you both, it really needs to stop so you can both heal. That is no way to live, and if you continue doing this it is going to drag you further and further down, and you won't be open to new opportunities that are presented to you. If you let go, yes, there is a chance that you'll grow apart....but after you heal it's not going to feel like it does now.

 

A good relationship -- romantic or platonic -- strengthens and uplifts BOTH partners. From what you've described, you do not have this with him now. You can go on hurting each other or you can refrain from contact with him and focus on your own life and healing yourself. You know what you've chosen thus far and where its gotten you. If you want to be somewhere different, you need to make some different choices.