For You.

[trust101]

It's been 8 months and counting and you're still on my mind everyday. I should have treated you better. You were my best friend. For the umpteenth time, I am...sorry.

Will love and pray for you always.

[trust101]

I can't take it anymore, all the advice is not doing anything.

'Give it time' - how much more?

You'll find someone else - it ain't that easy pal, even if it were, it won't be her...

'Keep yourself busy' - i am busy, i was busy when i was with her too.

'no contact' - i have been for a long time, but absence makes the heart grow fonder...or whatever the saying is.

 

Do you have anymore advice, please ena?

[morrowrd]

You are obsessed, that's a problem and it's your job to fix it. Secondly, it isn't her problem either, so please continue to respect not contacting her.

 

Somehow, you have it in your head that there is hope you will be getting back together with her, and is feeding into your compulsion to constantly think about her, "praying" for her, and begging forgiveness. Get rid of those thoughts, you are in charge of your brain and can think of other things when "she" pops into your mind. By force of will, you will start to think about her less and less. It just takes a little effort on your part.

 

For your sake, start doing this.

[amipushy]

I can't take it anymore, all the advice is not doing anything.

'Give it time' - how much more?

You'll find someone else - it ain't that easy pal, even if it were, it won't be her...

'Keep yourself busy' - i am busy, i was busy when i was with her too.

'no contact' - i have been for a long time, but absence makes the heart grow fonder...or whatever the saying is.

 

You feel this way because are fighting mentally and emotionally and trying to force yourself not to think about it (her and what has happened). When you fight and try to force yourself to not think or feel your nervous system is stimulated and shoots off even more adrenlin which keeps the feelings and anxiety alive.

 

What you should be doing is facing and accepting ALL the thoughts and feelings, without fighting or trying to push them away. When you learn to do that, without fighting and trying to force forgetfulness, the thoughts calm down, the feelings will fade and acceptance follows. Then you forget and time moves you on.

[Mister Jones]

I can't take it anymore, all the advice is not doing anything.

Advice is only that. It is advice. Action doesn't come from advice, action comes from resolving within to take it. As the serenity prayer says, "grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". You cannot change that the relationship did not work, and you must accept that. You can change what you do going forward, and you must.

 

'Give it time' - how much more?

As much as it takes. Just know that the more you revisit, the more you dwell, the longer it will take.

 

You'll find someone else - it ain't that easy pal, even if it were, it won't be her...

Nobody said anything about easy. It won't be her, but that is come and gone.

 

'Keep yourself busy' - i am busy, i was busy when i was with her too.

Good. Keep it that way.

 

'no contact' - i have been for a long time, but absence makes the heart grow fonder...or whatever the saying is.

Don't get yourself caught up here. No contact is important for her as much as for you. What happens if you make contact? It is easy to get disillusioned into believing that "if I could just talk to her one more time, I can tell her I'm sorry, I can make everything better". What is more likely is that talking to her one more time will simply stir up hurt inside of her that she is trying so hard to forget. Hurt that you are trying to forget too.

 

 

It is not easy, nobody could possibly tell you that it is. None of the advice you're given is going to make it easy. Nothing will make it easy. Don't try to make it easy, rather try to avoid making it harder. It sounds like you felt very deeply for her, so I imagine you likely had some great times with her. You had happiness with her and that's good. The time with her has run its course and for whatever reason that journey has come to an end. You are now equipped with experience, and knowledge to continue on and endeavor on new journeys. The rollercoaster has come to a stop. You can sit there miserably until the park closes, wishing that you could ride again; or you can get off and check out the rest of the rides.

 

Best of luck to you, keep your head up. You may not believe it now, it is certainly hard to believe now, but it does get better.

[Deciduous]

You feel this way because are fighting mentally and emotionally and trying to force yourself not to think about it (her and what has happened). When you fight and try to force yourself to not think or feel your nervous system is stimulated and shoots off even more adrenlin which keeps the feelings and anxiety alive.

 

What you should be doing is facing and accepting ALL the thoughts and feelings, without fighting or trying to push them away. When you learn to do that, without fighting and trying to force forgetfulness, the thoughts calm down, the feelings will fade and acceptance follows. Then you forget and time moves you on.

 

Truly fantastic post amipushy.

 

Trust101,

 

It really is okay to feel what you are feeling now. Heartbreak doesn't heal in a straight linear line. (Because the first week would kill us) It happens in waves. The wave comes in you are swept off your feet and pretty much dead. (Which I think is currently happening to you) “Why did it happen? Why did she leave? What could I have done differently? I miss her so much. I feel so lost."

 

Then it sweeps out again and you will feel better. You can just make out the sky. The girl at the Deli looks kind of cute. Then in again, and you are back praying for death. Then in and out until the waves get smaller and finally sweep over the horizon. It repeats the process over and over again.

 

That is the process of healing. Your experience is pretty normal. I think a wave has just crept up on you unexpectedly.

 

I understand that you are worried. You fear you are starting at the beginning again, and may never get over this - but you are not at the beginning - and you will eventually heal. When the tide goes out, it goes out further each time, dropping lower on the horizon. Still has the power to coming storming in, even in it's finally stages after 10-12 months, it can really shake you up, although it retreats fairly quickly in comparison to the early stages.

 

This isn't a set back. Just your emotions going through their natural cycle. This is not a sign that you will never get over her or that you will never fall in love again. (or that the advice has permanently failed you and you doomed to remain stuck at this point forever) It is just a sign that heartbreak is a tricky business and washes up unexpectedly at times, even when you thought the tide had gone out for good.

 

As amipushy says, the way through is not repression or trying hold the wave back, King Canute style. Or denying that you are hurt. Most times you are better off letting it wash up over you, knock you flat, then getting up and going about your business.

 

Sadly most of the healing isn't done during the reprieve. It's done when the wave hits.

 

The head has it's own processes, as counter productive as they seem to us. It's been healing heartbreak for a millennia. Got it's routine down cold. You will come out the other end I promise.

 

Use the reprieve times wisely to rebuild your life externally, building up your interests and friendships, health, body etc. What ever gives you comfort.

 

At the end of the day, the rest of us have been where you are. We have survived. Haven't done it with style of grace (nobody does) but we have survived. You know the saying; When you are going through hell, keep on going!

 

The head has it's own processes, as counter productive as they seem to us. It's been healing heartbreak for a millennia. Got it's routine down cold. You will come out the other end I promise. And you will be whole. And you will be able to love again.

 

I do wish you all the best

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

Just know that the more you revisit, the more you dwell, the longer it will take. The rollercoaster has come to a stop. You can sit there miserably until the park closes, wishing that you could ride again; or you can get off and check out the rest of the rides.

 

Alas, I fear the world is full of people who attempt to climb aboard the next rollercoaster, without fully disembarking from the first one, which has yet to complete the circuit.

 

And I've always found hurling yourself from the car, while still riding the peaks, tends to end in an unfortunate strawberry-jellied mess on the concourse.

[GB11CR7]

I can't take it anymore, all the advice is not doing anything.

'Give it time' - how much more?

You'll find someone else - it ain't that easy pal, even if it were, it won't be her...

'Keep yourself busy' - i am busy, i was busy when i was with her too.

'no contact' - i have been for a long time, but absence makes the heart grow fonder...or whatever the saying is.

 

Do you have anymore advice, please ena?

 

Do me favour, hold that thought. Bookmark this page and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[GB11CR7]

Oh, and this post is beautiful. Thank you, Deciduous. Going through this at the moment myself. Been over 2 weeks now.

[muskrats21]

Nice post! For what it's worth... helped me a little bit too! So true. It's simply a hard thing and a long process. I love the waves analogy. One day you convince yourself that you are going to peal yourself off the ground look hard times in the eye and laugh and get on with your life. Full of energy and possitive thoughts. The very next day you can find yourself in a state of depression and hating life. It's when the good starts to out weigh the bad when you really start healing. And unfortunately there is no way to fool yourself or "talk yourself into doing that" no matter how much you want to. Just no way to expedite the process... it has to happen. And unfortunately (not to be to grim) if we were that attached and in love with someone, I don't think you will fully EVER get over them. You can get to 95% or so I believe and be happy with someone else again. But I firmly believe once you develop that strong of a feeling for someone else, they are a part of you and there to stay. It's a chapter in the book that you can't rip out. You can turn the pages and have an ending, but it will always be in the book. BUT, you have to start turning the pages or you'll be stuck on the same chapter forever.

[trust101]

Firstly, I'm really sorry for the late reply as I have been quite unhealthy for a month or so.

 

Thank you for your posts. The waves analogy is useful too, thank you.

 

I think now, instead of trying to exonerate my ex for her actions I am beginning to see how she was solely reprehensible for what she did. Yes, I did err but I seeked forgiveness from her for it. So, each day I try to assuage the guilt i feel, or once felt, for what I thought I had done to her.

 

I'm left to reflect on one single cliched line: 'it just was not meant to be.'