Husband Emailing Ex

[ForgetMeNot]

Hello all, newbie here and could do with some advice.

 

Recently I found some emails that my husband had sent to an ex of his and an ex he was involved with 15 years back. So I'm wondering why the heck he would want to email her and after all this time.

 

He didn't tell me about this email relationship that he has going with his ex and it's an email correspondance that has been going on for around four months and without my knowledge. He doesn't know that I've found these emails. I havn't said anything because I don't want him to know I'm snooping and because also there isn't anything in these emails to suggest that there is anything going on between my husband and his ex. They are just friendly back and forth emails, they do seem to be just friends.

 

We've been married 14 years and have three kids. Married life is good, no complaints whatsoever and we are even due to go on holiday for Christmas, so things are good.

 

I just don't understand why my husband would feel any need, to email and have a friendship with his ex?

 

Any insight from anybody would be really helpful. Thanks in advance.

[ShuShu Fontana]

I don't think there's anything unusual about getting in contact with someone who was once a significant part of your life. These people were part of hislife at one point and it's only natural to be curious about them, wonder what they're up to. And you say you don't feel it is anything beyond a friendship, so you don't have anything to worry about though you still sound insecure about it.

I have a few ex's I would love to look up and chat with. They were a big part of my life once. It has nothing to do with my feelings for my current boyfriend at all. Sometimes you just wonder.

[ForgetMeNot]

Thanks ShuShu. I can understand that he'd be curious about someone who was once a part of his life, it is natural for us to wonder about what happened to those people from our past. He did after all have an eight year relationship with this woman. But if he was just curious about her, then one or two emails would have been sufficient to catch up on things surely? This correspondance is still going and has been for four months - that's the part that has me beat. ?

[azveganchik]

I don't think that you would have anything to worry about based on what you say the emails were. I personally would have just wanted him to let me know that he had contacted her. That is probably why you feel like there is something wrong with the situation. Maybe sit your husband down and just make sure that he knows that he can tell you anything and maybe that will persuade him or remind him that that is something you would want to know. Good luck.

[ForgetMeNot]

Hi azveganchik. Yes, that's a good idea to sit him down and perhaps tell him that he can come to me and discuss anything with me. He should know that anyway. He might then hopefully come clean and open up about this relationship. I was thinking that perhaps he hasn't mentioned it, because it is something he may see as being trivial and he doesn't want to worry me.

 

I'm not going to mention that I know of his emailing with the ex however. I've decided instead to monitor it. That way I can watch for signs that it might progress further and that's when I would step in.

[azveganchik]

Just be careful with the snooping....I started doing it a while ago and it has been harder for me to stop than smoking....it is like an addiction so just be careful that it doesn't get too far because you will always be wanting to look and make sure that nothing is going on and it will eat at you until you do. I totally understand where you are coming from, I just wouldn't want you to make yourself unhappy over this if there is nothing to be unhappy about.

[ticklebug]

Forget,

 

How do you know he initiated the contact with the ex and not the other way around? It could be she looked him up...possibly through classmates?

 

The fact of the matter is, after 15 years, and you reading the e-mails and acknowledging there is nothing there to suggest any type of untort behavior...call it for what it is...two old friends reconnecting and catching up, then let it drop. If your husband isn't acting any differently towards you that he has in forever...and as you say, your marriage is fine...don't make a mountain where a molehill is.

 

It shouldn't matter to you if they correspond, even if it is once a week. Going up to him out of the blue and saying "if you ever need to talk about something..." is going to turn around badly on you...because the first question out of his mouth is going to be "why are you saying that?"...then how do you respond? um, er, ahh, well...I was snooping and...

 

she's nothing, it's nothing, you shouldn't have been going through his e-mail...if she contacted him..let him have his little ego boost that she was thinking of him for whatever reason...you know he's yours.

 

and don't go through his e-mail anymore. =)

[ForgetMeNot]

He went seeking her at link removed, thereforeeee he initiated the contact. He was also the one to suggest they email. I know this because the ex mentioned it in her first mail to him. This kinda worries me too, that he initiated contact, she did not.

[ticklebug]

he didn't specifically get on link removed to look for her...he went looking for old HS friends...

 

not all that long ago link removed was innundating people's computers with pop up's and banner ads for their site...he probably got hooked into it...it really does get you wondering...where are they now...

 

for all you know he, via link removed, contacted several old HS buddies...and she was one of the ones to respond. Stop reading so much into it before you cause a problem in your marriage that wasn't there.

 

Do yourself a favor...register for classmates and look for people you went to HS with...see what it's like to reconnect...I think you need to see it through HIS eyes.

[DragonGirl724]

did he tell u he was goin on link removed to look up old buddies??

 

if so then i can see how after 15 yrs he can just be on a firendly basis & he was honest with you if that is the case. thereforeeee no reason to be upset/jealous etc...

 

i understand the fact that he didnt tell you he contacted his EX would urk you.

 

i dunno about your relationshp. but how after being married for 15 yrs do you 'snoop'? my parents dont have anything at all to hide, so if my dad had to use my moms email account for whatever reason the only emails hed see are of mutual firends, family, maybe an occasional ecard from us kids. i dont know how to word it but if my dad said to my mom i was in your email earlier. she wouldnt get upset. or vice versa. they wouldnt label it snooping either. its only snooping if you went into his email SPECIFICALLY TO SEE IF HES DOING SOMETHING BEHIND YOUR BACK & U DONT TRUST HIM ENOUGH TO TELL YOU.

 

it seems to me that your marriage may need a boost in the trust department.

 

i dont know if this is a good idea but say to him. 'hun i have to use your email account. *say a reason*' & if hes shady about it, then say what the hell? i need to use it! then go in it. & use it for a legitamate reason. then once you see it be like..."is this the reason why you didnt want me in your email??? emails from an ex gf of 15 yrs...whats the deal???"

 

OR!!!

 

ask him hey how did the classmates search go? get in touch with anyone interesting?

 

OR say hey i had to use your email to sign up for something. i got a confirmation email back so i had to check your inbox. you talkin to *EX'S NAME* thats cool how is she? AND DONT GET UPSET OVER IT!! be cool about it!!

 

i dunno. some of those ways are very manipulative. so i think the last option is the best bet.

 

goodluck.

 

-DG724

[ForgetMeNot]

Hi and thanks all for the replies.

 

Firstly, no, I wasn't aware he'd been to link removed looking for highschool friends, he didn't tell me. I didn't know anything of it until I found the emails in his email programme and there are no other emails in there belonging to other friends either, just her. But then she may have been the only one to reply.

 

I wasn't going to mention it, but my husband has had affairs in the past and so I guess that is why I snoop on him, I still don't trust him 100% and it's why I suppose, I'm worrying over this contact he has with the ex. Even though it appears harmless, how can I be sure it won't lead to more?

He did think a lot of this particular ex at one time, she was his 'first love', they have a history and were at one time engaged to be married themselves, another reason why I'm feeling insecure about the whole thing

[DragonGirl724]

it makes no sense basking in this pain by yourself. u have to take a step & speak up.

 

-DG724