Please someone give some friendly advice?

[Parrotcake]

I've been suffering from depression for a long time, I've tried to get help on numerous occasions but the healthcare system always seems to let me down. I became withdrawn and miserable and my boyfriend started to suffer because of this. I wasn't myself and I started chatting to one of his friends, I guess having no friends of my own, I was lonely. A couple of weeks passed I'd really hit it off with the guy we had stuff in common, he started flirting a little bit, and I guess I enjoyed the attention. I felt a bit confused and didn't really think it through, I felt guilty so I broke it off with my boyfriend. I realised immediately what I'd done, I was so depressed I just wanted to connect to someone, and my boyfriend had been cold towards me for sometime, he seemed to lose faith in me. I was devastated by my own actions, I couldn't believe what I'd done, but he said he'd try again if I cut all contact with the guy. I did. A couple more months passed and I started to take a new medication and signed up to go for counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy through a new system.

 

He finally lost all his faith as I started to feel better, he ended it with me and hastily started moving on with his life, right in front of me. He was chasing other girls, acting like we'd not spend six years together, like we we're just friends. He couldn't seem to understand how much this was hurting me, he couldn't see that I was getting better, by that time, he didn't care anymore.

 

We never really talked about the break up, he just wanted me to accept it and move on like him, he couldn't understand why I was desperate for another chance, I wanted to show him that I was getting better, that life could be good together again, if he only gave me a chance. Also unfortunately, I had nowhere else to go, I had lost all my friends. So we were still living together.

 

As we never talked about it, my feelings came out eventually, and he said he'd give me another chance. I was over the moon, we were like a new couple again, and I felt so optimistic, but I found that he was giving a lot of attention to a girl online who he added when we broke up. I knew he liked her, but I thought maybe he was just trying to make me jealous/transfer his feelings onto someone else to make it easier to move on or something. She wasn't his friend, she knew him years ago because he was friends with her boyfriend.

 

I talked to him about it and asked him to stop contacting this girl as he found her attractive and if he was to give me a fair chance then he'd stop chasing after this girl. He said he would, he said he loved me but didn't like who I was anymore, and that's why I wanted the chance to show him I could be different on this new medication.

 

He was planning to go out after work with friends, but mentioned that nobody was really interested in going. He managed to get a guy to go out with him and he went. I thought everything was going to be okay, but I was still worried about his cold behaviour so I did the unthinkable, I checked him facebook messages, and there it was, he'd messaged her asking where she was going that night, and they'd arrange to meet up and take drugs. I was absolutely heartbroken, I was numb, I sat up waiting until he got in at 4.30, and he admitted right away that he'd been with this girl and taken the drugs.

 

He said it just so happened that they were going to the same place, so I confronted him, I said I knew he'd contacted her asking where she was going, I knew he was chasing her, and he said well, she wasn't interested because she left with someone else. So he'd stop chasing her now. I said now you have your own back can we just have another chance.

 

The next morning I asked him to delete her and give me the fair chance to show him I'm not the same I was with the depression, I said it's kind of hard to be happy if you're doing this behind my back, I can't show you properly, I need a fair chance.

 

He said he should just delete me and that he won't stop chasing other girls, he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to be with me. I feel so hurt, I want to get better so much, but now I have to leave him after 6 years, my home, my cat and maybe even my job. I feel like he's throwing me away, I just can't believe he'd play with me like this and not even care, after 6 years. I know I made a mistake, but I feel like I'm being punished for suffering from depression.

 

Because of the depression, I lost my friends, my interests, my plans and hopes. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, although I know I need to continue with the medication because it really is helping. I have two options; I either stay in the city I live in, live with my ex for a couple of months and try to find a flatshare with some strangers and continue working my job (low level- I only took it because of my boyfriend anyway) even though it might be painful watching him easily move on with someone else, or I could pack up and go back home to my mother which is far away, I might have to leave my job, but she said there's plenty of other jobs over there and there is a college there too.

 

I feel like I'd be giving up my independence moving back to my mothers, but I might be able to start over and make a better life for myself. Also there is the counselling in my current city to consider and the cancellation of direct debits and such but my ex just won't stay in long enough for us to discuss anything.

 

I'm only 25, I know I have the rest of my life ahead of me but I feel like I'm in such a mess, I can't see what's for the best because maybe I'm too close? Please someone with a little life experience, give some friendly advice here? I feel so lost. xx

[Twidom]

I can't help much but here goes.

 

Go back to your mom. Stay with her for a while. You really need your family now... As for friends, you'll make new ones.

 

Now for the relationship... You tried your best. You did. You did everything right. You looked for help, you tried to improve yourself. You took your meds. I have depression too so I know how hard it is. You done everything you could... Start counceling. It's been 4 months since my ex broke up with me and if I had not started therapy, I'd still be a wreck.

[bluemoon]

I feel what you're saying about the independence.

If your family is supportive of you I would recommend leaving to go bak home.

Your other option is to just grit your teeth and find somewhere new to live and to continuously try and call yourself out on whenever you start to feel yourself sink into a depressive mood. It is difficult, I struggle with it but with medication and added awareness in your mind it can make buckling through it less overwhelming. For example whenever you feel low in yourself just to remember 'AHH depression' and to realise its an old unwanted friend visiting but while they are here you just have to make the best of the time possible. Does this make sense?

 

I don't recommend moving back in with your ex- a flatshare with some strangers would be a better option.

I don't have that much life experience but what you're going through hits close to home. If I were you I would really want to spend time focusing on myself and to establish myself independently. Just to start living for yourself and to figure out things that make you feel good.

 

If you really don't think you could do it on your own and want to have the family support to rely on then maybe move back, but from what I read in your post it does sound like you want to learn to depend on yourself solely.

Small positive steps, and chin up!

Wish you well