My partner 38M and I 33F have been together for 6 years. We bought a home a year ago in a rural area, and since then I have been feeling like something is missing in the relationship.
In the beginning things were great. But after a while I noticed that I was the only one to initiate sex and started to feel a little undesirable. I brought it up to him many times but nothing changed regardless of his promises to make an effort.
Then I noticed that I was the only one to do any housework, or deal with the mental load, keeping on top of anything we needed, knowing what needs to be done, he does chores if I ask him specifically but he doesn't take initiative. I started to feel like I didn't have a partner, someone to share the responsibility with. He doesn't suggest anything, going out, trips, activities but is happy to go along with anything I suggest.
Since before buying the house I felt like things were getting a little stale, I did everything from making special dinners, suggesting trips, date days, dressing up for sex to spice things up. I brought it up that he didn't show me he wanted me and he took that to mean that he was rubbish in bed. Since then he's developed a psychological problem and only lasts about a minute. He says he gets too nervous. It just feels like we can't be ourselves with each other, we're not close, don't share anything, basically the intimacy is gone and probably wasn't there in the first place.
Eventually I got frustrated and stopped trying. Since I stopped trying, I've noticed that we don't have sex at all, he doesn't kiss or hug me. I felt starved of affection and lonely. Then I started to feel indifferent. Then I started to resent it a little, now I don't even want him to be affectionate anymore. I feel like I've lost my attraction to him.
He's a nice guy, he's very responsible, he goes to work everyday, is a good provider, he's trustworthy, is very generous with gifts but I don't want material possessions, I want connection and passion. He'd rather pay for everything rather than put in real effort. I feel like he tries to make up for the lack of affection with material possessions which makes me feel guilty. He'd rather pay the pet insurance than put down fresh water or clean up after them, he'd rather buy groceries than make a meal, buy something for the house that I chose rather than choose it together, he won’t clean or do laundry, he doesn’t have the best personal hygiene, he’ll pick the easiest option for him, to pay for it to be done for him, that sort of mentality.
When I stopped trying, all we seemed to do was sit and watch TV every night and I'm so bored of it. He gets irritated if I try to do anything else that doesn't include him, a hobby or read or even look at my phone. He texts me all day everyday, we see each other every evening at home, he won’t go and do his own thing, see his friends, pursue any hobbies, I feel like I'm being transformed into something I don't want to be by this life. I feel isolated, stifled and pushed into a life I don't want. I lost my job recently (cuts due to post-covid losses) and I'm looking for new work (I have savings), and I know I wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own long term (savings won't last long).
I'm happy to do all of the chores and house stuff at the minute since I'm out of work, but it won't change when I find another job, I'll still have to do it all, I'm in an area I'm not familiar with, it would be extremely difficult to leave my pets behind, I'm the one they're bonded with the most and I would be worried he'd forget to give them water or look after them properly, but I just feel like something is missing and I'm wasting my time on this when I know that an important part of our relationship is over.
He’s always been overweight and I was very skinny when we first got together but since covid, I’ve gained weight, he encourages me to eat poorly, and tries to interfere if I try to workout. I feel like I don’t recognise myself and I’m losing sight of everything I was and wanted.
We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore, I feel awkward if we touch each other, It's like we're friends and that's enough for him. I love him but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I don't know what to do and I really don’t want to hurt him. I’m so over talking to him, writing him letters, begging and pleading for things to change, I've sickened my own self with the broken record. There's something a little disheartening about telling someone to want you and I'm not unattractive either. Should I accept being comfortable but loveless and sexually frustrated or do I risk it all to find meaning even though I'm well aware I may never find it? Things are getting strained (He’s become very passive aggressive with me) because I think he can feel I’m less invested in the relationship recently. I feel so unsure and guilty. Please help!