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I can't start a relationship because I always end up scared


Ruthlah

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So I haven't been on this site for a while, but would like to thank those that have helped me in the past. I have serious trust and anxiety issues and it is preventing me from being with someone who is truly good for me. I tend to find guys that are needy so I don't have to worry about why they aren't calling every 5 minutes, but those relationships always end in jealously and some kind of abuse.

 

I met a wonderful man about 2 months ago at a party and we really hit it off. We play the same sport, have the same sense of humor, and he was really loving. Then I messed it up. When we started talking for the first 3 weeks or so it was very frequent. We both get up at 5am and I had told him about how my alarm didn't go off the previous morning and he said he would call me to make sure I was up. It was really quite sweet. I took that initiative to start calling him in the morning. Like every morning. I was always the first one to message him in the day, I would immediately respond because I was so anxious about him contact me back, and I would call just to say hi way too many times for the beginning of a relationship. I noticed him started to get distant and by about a week ago he was almost always busy. I abused alcohol on Saturday and called him asking what was going on. I will be honest and say that I don't remember a good part of the conversation but it was over an hour.

 

We talked a little bit since then and yesterday I said that I really missed talking to him and he told me that he didn't feel the same, that I was a great person and he was sorry but that he wasn't prepared for so much attention. He didn't directly say I was being overbearing but of course I was.

 

My problem is that I KNOW when I am being overbearing. I don't know how to stop it. I can't read signals. When is it ok to call him in the morning? When do I stop texting? I am so miserable because I have serious issues because my father was very abusive, but that is no longer his fault. I just don't know how to play the dating "game". I can't figure out how to slow down in a relationship because I am so scared I am going to lose the person that I am interested in. This guy is absolutely amazing. We have the same (albeit large) circle of friends so I know that he is a good person, he is healthy, plays sports, likes the same hobbies as me, so it really makes me miserable to know that I have lost this person.

 

If I change my habits and back off, is it too late? I don't have to be with him, but he is someone that would be good for me and makes me happy. I would just like to know some perspectives other than mine...can I get him interested again? How the heck does this "game" work? I'll see him in 2 weeks for a tournament, should I leave him alone til then or is it appropriate to send him a message saying hi at some point? I am getting so sick of this...

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I think you should consider some therapy to get over your neediness issues.

 

But to answer your question:

 

In the first 3 weeks, it is not appropriate to be calling first thing in the morning or texting continuously.

It is never ok to get drunk and demand answers.

 

Yes, it is too late with him because he has seen the neediness.

 

Please --- your fear of abandonment needs to be addressed professionally. You will not be able to work this out on your own.

However, the good news is that once addressed --- you will understand the dating rituals and find a great guy.

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I noticed you used the word habit to describe your behavior. I also noticed you used the word game to describe dating. It seems like the internal dialogue used by you is defined by an inexperienced perception of what and how things should be in relationships.this guy came into your life to teach you how to treat yourself. It sounds like you are ready to go the next step and apply what that guy taught you onto the next guy you meet. There may be a few before you get it right. Practice , you know your shortcomings and you want to overcom them! Good on you. Don't txt that guy. Say hi and leave it at that. He will respect your strength and see that you are taking steps to change yourself. It's like the old saying goes, if you love someone set them free, if he returns it was meant to be. Let go and fix you. Because you are the most important person in your life. You are inviting the right man into your world. That's precious.. Good luck.

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