Ruined friendship with a best friend..

[aexander]

Well this is about my relationship with my best friend which has been bothering me quite a lot, and I hope someone can shed some light here. I am extremely sorry if the post is too long.

 

First let me just start by telling you a bit about my self. I'm a 23 y/o bisexual male (which I just realized I'm bi), had few relationships with women but never with men. 3 years ago, I met a friend (we were in the same class) whom I consider to be my best friend. Almost everyone in our department knows that we're inseparable, always hanging out together, flirting with girls, supporting each other (not to mention I invest on him quite a lot), went on a trip together and he would sleep at my place whenever there's a chance. As time passed by and the more time we spent together, I developed some sort of deep feelings toward him, but I've always try my best to hide it. I'm not sure whether he is bi or gay, if u ask.

 

About two days ago we just got back from a 1 week holiday. It all started on the last day of our vacation, when we were sleeping together (we were on the same bed), I woke up around 5am (he was still sleeping) and I did something really stupid which I regretted so much and wish it didn't happen. I don't know what came over me that time, but I touched his d*** and rubbed it lightly for few seconds, and knowing his face was right next to mine, i kissed his lips for just a second (it was more of a light peck actually) and to my shock he was awaken by it. I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to go back to sleep after which he said (in a slightly serious tone), "did u just kissed me?", I didn't reply, he asked a few times but I didn't reply. Man, god knows how I felt that time, I was so damn embarrassed and scared. Later that morning, we got ready our stuffs and went to the airport. I thought everything was just normal that day and we didn't talk about what had happened.

 

But, I sensed he was acting differently the next day we met at the Uni, we didn't talk much (this is very unusual) and I wanted to ask him out for a lunch (this is what we always do everyday, going out for a lunch together), but he told me he has already been offered by some other friends, I thought he would ask me to join him but he didn't offer. What's more surprising to me was that he just disappeared after our afternoon lecture and I didn't get the chance to talk to him.

 

I'm just so confused right now. I don't know if I freaked him out the other night. I just felt extremely bad and utterly depressed about the whole thing. I think I've just ruined this friendship and I really can't accept this. I still have this guilt which I can't seem to get over it. I really want us to be normal again but I don't know what to do here. One thing for sure, I really don't want to lose him, we had a great friendship before.

 

A million thanks in advanced.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

I guess it is pretty normal to feel that way. I as a female had fantasize before when i see very nice women. I mean fantasize like they have nice figures, boobs and all that u see.

 

I dun know whether u are having fantasy or carrying a torch for him. I guess there isnt much u can do if he doesnt wan to be friend with u.

It is very hard for a man to accept a friend who is already that 'gay' on him. Haha! I think u shld have said that u mistook him for a gal that night.

 

But since it is already over, then let go. Maybe he didnt know of fact that u had kissed him. Haha! some guys just can be that stupid. Lolx! I find that u are too sensitive in some ways. If he appreciate the friendship he will find some time to be with u, when he is free..

 

Thanks for reading..

[looker]

Hello Alex,

 

I know what your going through. I sent you a private message. Check your inbox...

[looker]

Hey folks on eNotAlone...do any of you have any advice for this topic? How to repair a friendship that is important...but that you are responsible for harming? I am in the same boat as alexander and we need to know how to repair the trust and have things back to normal with our important best friends.

[chblueguy]

Well, I would have to say you both took risks in your friendship. Sometimes friends do things that offend others and you may be mad for a while, and then you move on from it, if you were really good friends to begin with. However, sometimes straight guys only want to be friends with other straight guys and really don't know how to act around a friend whom they've just discover is not straight.

 

With that said, you both should talk to your friends about it. It's the only way you're gonna get the friendship out of the rut it's in. But do it if things don't pick up in the next few weeks. This happens more often than you know. Sometimes it ruins things, sometimes it doesn't. Who knows. Just give it some time and see what happens.

 

as for alexander, shouldn't you have stopped at the groping? You were home free man!

[11flower]

Looker, and Alexander,

 

Well, what comes to my mind is that both of you in your individual situations could just tell your friends that you have that you didn't mean to ruin a good friendship, and that you value the friendship and don't want to lose it. If both of your friends are not bisexual or homosexual or what have you, then continue to respect that and not "go there" with those friends.

 

Alex, your friend may well have known what happened, but neither of you wanted to acknowledge it and talk about it. Since it may have embarrassed him as much as you are now, he may be avoiding it, not wanting to think this happened to him, esp. if he is not gay or bisexual.

 

Are you able to be up-front with your friends about who you are and how you want to live your sexual lives? If they're the opposite of you, it doesn't mean you have to lose your good friends. It may mean you'll all have to respect one another's choices, however, accepting the differences in how you see things and having self control. If self-control is something you both are still working on when around heterosexual friends, then you may want to take time to work that out before asserting a friendship with someone who would jump to too many conclusions, not understanding your meaning when you say you want to be friends with that person.

 

Let your friends know you want to still have them as friends. Let them know you do not and will not violate their moral convictions and sexual orientation, which should not be an issue in and of any friendship. Once disrespect or violation occurs, it's hard to be friends. But why should it be impossible to win good friends back?

 

Just my thoughts,

 

11Flower

[Jake212]

Alex,

My advice is to give him space and let him confront you, if thats his choice. Things will probably never be the same, but thats not a bad thing.

You two could come out of this better friends than ever once you both have a better understanding of what has happened, and the only way thats going to happen if you two talk about it. That said, because you made a move on him without discussing it you have to let him come to you when he's ready. If nothing happens for awhile just ask him if he wants to talk about it. If he dosent then dont force the issue and dont corner him, give him all the space he wants. When you see him say hi, ask him how things are going but give him space. Lets face it he's confused about what happened, but you guys sound close and he'll probably want to talk about what happened. Did you ever talk to him about being gay or bi?

Jake

[aexander]

Dear Prosper, Looker, chblueguy, 11flower and Jake212, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Appreciate it so much.

 

For one thing, I was always curious about his sexuality (whether he is straight or bi) and the more we got to know each other, the more curious I become. Every time we hang out together, I sometimes noticed him secretly checks other guys out (he checks other girls too). And sometimes he would comment on how good looking the guy or how cool his hair is or how broad their chest is (he gave me compliments the first time we met in class). The other day, we were watching some straight porn and I heard him saying the guy in that movie was not good looking. That gave me a little bit of a shock.

 

There were several times when I tried to bring up some gay issues; for instance we were watching a soccer match on TV, and the guy managed to score a goal and one of his team players kissed him on the lips. I spontaneously asked him if he thinks that guy is gay. He just gave me a shrug. So I continued telling him I've been kissed by a guy before in the same situation as the guy who scored that goal, but he didn't respond, either he was genuinely not interested or just too embarrass to talk about it, I don't know. These are the reasons why I dare to make those stupid acts (the groping and kissing) while he was sleeping, and one thing for sure, I will not do something like this if I was very confident the guy next to me is 100% straight. But then again, whether he was gay, bi or straight, I know it is still wrong to commit such acts, especially without that person consent.

 

11flower-I guess you are right, neither both of us wanted to acknowledge it and talk about it, since it may have embarrassed him as much as I'm. But Right now, as Jake212 said, I'm giving him the space he wants (he's having his exams this week so I don't want this thing to affect his study) and at the same time I'm giving my self some space (and break too) to think about this thing. Will try to find the right time to sit and talk with him about this issue. Of course, I will definitely say hi and ask how things are if I see him, just to let him know that I still want him to be my friend. Last time I met him, we did talk for a very short while (about his preparation for this exam), he was still "cordial" (lacking of word there).

 

Another thing, I'm very much in a closet right now regarding my sexual orientation, I think I'll be taking the risks of losing more friends if I were to tell them that i'm bisexual, especially to my guy friends, they would propably avoid me as they may think i've feelings for them.

 

Once again, thank you for reading and responding to my posts. Appreciate it so much. I appologize for the long post again.

[11flower]

Dear Alexander,

 

You know what? This is, I know, I sensitive issue. I actually wondered whether your friend was questioning his desires or not to be bi or gay. Had you sensed this about him in the first place?

 

The comments about other guys, well, I think even heterosexual people do that, esp. when we don't like the way we look, we look at others and compare ourselves, thinking there's something better about that guy or girl. It's not always a sexual thing when that happens. IMHO, there's nothing wrong with the comments he made about guys. Everyone likes beauty and attractiveness, I mean, you know? If he's trying to find who he is, more about what he likes in life, this doesn't surprise me. He is probably questioning his sexuality and may sense where you're at, which could also be what drew him to be your friend. He may not see himself this way.

 

Still, these issues just should not be issues. People and friendship is the issue. That's the most important.

 

Alex, I'm glad you will find a good time to talk about it. I'd say that if you're not comfortable sharing your desires with your guy friends, then don't. They might not understand and may corner you or put you in a box. Just more thoughts.

 

All the best to you, Alex.

 

11Flower

[Jake212]

Hey Alex,

 

Sounds like your making some good decisions toward your friend. Take it slow and dont force anything. As far as your not telling anyone about your sexuality thats a good decision also, no rush on that, but I think you may be surpised how much of a non-issue that is for other people. Dont hide who you are you'll miss out on tons of living.

 

Jake

[aexander]

Thanks so much for the replies, Jake212 and 11flower.

 

It's been almost 2 weeks we haven't met with each other (At the moment we're on our 3 weeks end of semester break). I purposely did not want to contact him since the 1st day we had our holiday cause i thought i wanted to give him (and myself) some space. During the 2 weeks, i did not receive any text or call from him. I think it's kinda hard for me not to have any communication with him. Kept thinking about him every single day. I really want to talk to him about this issue, and i really want to know where i stand in this friendship (Am i still his best friend?). Just before we had our holidays, everything seemed normal between us in the Uni. We would talk with each other with some other friends of ours about regular stuffs we normally would talk about, but the strange thing is that, when it comes to the lunch time, he would go out with his other friends without inviting me along, he would just disappear (we always have our lunch together in Uni for 3 yrs). I really dont know if he just pretended that we were okay in front of the other friends. I try not to be pessimistic though, but sometimes you cant just heelp it. I did ask him before if everything is okay between us and he insisted that everything is ok. I dont know, but i try to believe him.

 

Anyway, i dont know if i should contact him now or not??, i was thinking of sending him a text message, just to check how is he doing, but i dont know how or why, i just got this feeling that he won't reply my text msg. I will be seeing him again next year though, but we will be on different class this time. Won't be seeing him everyday like we used to.

 

Thanks for reading, and i appreciate any reply very much.

[11flower]

You know, Alexander, it's not wrong to right something that isn't sitting right with you. What I mean is that, okay, you've given your friend enuf space now. You still don't know the answer as to the status of your friendship. If I were you, I'd be bold and ask to know. The sooner you put it on the table and ask what your friend thinks about this, maybe the better at least that you'll be able to rest in peace. It's really hard to have questions like these unanswered. You might be doing yourself a disservice to just keep living with this unsettledness. Communication in this case can be a key, and it sounds you aren't at peace with not knowing. So, treat yourself well and ask your friend. It's for your peace of mind, and you never know what a good or better friendship may come out of asking.

 

If your friend says that all is well, then take him at his word. If you have more questions, by all means, ask about it! Have peace of mind in it.

 

Hugs to Alex,

 

11Flower

[cosqui32]

I agree, be bold and ask, because it seems that only one affected by this is you. You never know, the outcome can be better than you think, and if not, at least you know...and you canget on with your life, even if it is going to be hard but, life was never fair!

[SarCareBear]

i say confront him head on, tell him the truth about how you think you may be bisexual and yuo didn't know what came over you that day, but you are confused and scared about it. Present it in a way so that he should have nothing to feel embarrassed about. the worst that could happen is he says he can't be friends with you after that... and if he doesn't, what good is it to have a friend who doesn't value who you are? yes that statement is MUCH easier said than done and could ultimately be very painful, but in the end you must surroung yourself with acceptance, that this is the only way you can be truly happy. Most likely, if you present yuor issues to him in a light where you trust and value his friendship and opinion, he will respect that and you two should be able to work through what happened and still be very close friends. As for whether he ever comes out to himself as gay or bi, you will be setting yourself up for him to come out to you because of your strong trusting bond.