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Not a typical "get her back" thread...


Mordechai

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So, as the tittle suggests, I'm not actually looking for suggestions how to get my ex back, but more for some external insights and some kind of comradery from people on this board...Or maybe I'm not really looking for anything and just want to share...

 

To tell you the background, here's our story (I'm quite a graphomaniac, so it's not goiong to be short, sorry):

 

I've met this girl about 11 years ago, as I was part of a group of guys that was hanging out with a group of girls she was part of. At the time I was the loser one in the group, I was 16 with no purpose in life, bad relationship with my family, drinking a lot, etc. One evening, I asked her to date me, she said yes, kissed me and dissapeared the next day, later explaining it was a bad idea. I didn't blame her, because of who I was at the time, but it ignited a spark in me that I really like this chick.

 

As time went by, we both went our separate ways, but occasionaly ran into each other and simply were friends. Both of us were dating other people and although I still liked her, there was nothing romantic. I was still kind of a loser, not really interesting in any way except my ability to make anyone laught in any situation...

 

Later I went overseas for a year and came back basically as a new person. I was confident, interesting, found a new social circle where I became kind of a "pack leader" and, most importantly, I waas loving life at this stage. We were almost weekly visiting a club, where she worked as a bartender. At this time she had a boyfriend, who was, to be honest, another kind of a loser. Almost every weekend he got trashed and did something what embarassed her. I started to help her around the bar at times when her boyfriend couldn't (because of the reasons above), walked her home or to her BF's parents apartment after her shift finished, sometimes ended up drinking until the morning in a nonstop bar and we became best friends. She could tell me anything and I always tried to give her the best advice I could, even when is was along the lines of her working out things with her BF. Well, as it usually happens in a male-female friendship scenario, we kissed one morning and it felt like I was waiting for this for eternity, even when we both knew it's a bad idea...

 

Few months went by like this and finally she broke it off with her BF. We were still just really good friends at this time and I didn't want to force her to any relationship with me as she was freshly out of one. So I kept seeing her as a friend, but after about two months after their breakup, I couldn't bear it anymore and I asked her if she would like to date me. Retrospectively, I see that I should've waited longer, because she still wasn't completely over her ex (he even stayed in the picture and sometimes went out drinking with us). First she said yes, then came some episode of her confusion, but ultimately, we became a couple.

 

Here came the honeymoon phase and we developed quite a strong bond. She was working, I was finishing high school (I was held back because of the time I spent in the US) and it felt like we are on the beginning of something longlasting and real as real it could be. After more than a year we knew this was serious, so we started talking about our future. She really wanted to move out from her parents, because she felt smothered by their small apartment, I was reluctant to o so as I was starting university. I quit after the first semester, but had plans to start another one, which was making her quite impatient as she felt the relationship is not moving anywhere...

 

Fast forward about three years after my unemployment phase, her change of jobs and teprorary unemployment, we could finally consider ourselves adults as we both worked and now had the means and will to get our lives to another level. We both had hobbies, but I still had a little more of life outside our relationship than she had, which might have been one of the problems that evolved into following situation: I was working from home and it kept me quite busy and stressed, so mild depression kicked in and during the week I didn't feel to bother her with my under the weather mood, so we didn't see much of each other. On the weekends I was either busy performing (I am a part of a rap project) or with work. It was in the middle of summer, so she had kept herself busy going swimming and didn't do much to get back to me, as I enclosed myself in a little shell of bitterness and kept everyone out. This situation lasted about a month or so and we both knew that our relationship is crumbling and probably doomed. So we talked about it and decided that if nothing changes until we come back from a festival we had planed to go to, we will break up.

 

At the festival, everything seemed normal again. We were both having fun, enjoying each others company and so on. One thing was kinda odd to me and that was that she often disappeared to "call her friend/mom", so some feelings of something fishing going on set in. After we came back from the festival, we decided to just relax the next day to get back in shape, because five days in a setting like that can be quite exhausting. I noticed that her ex got a picture of an autograph she got for him on facebook, so she saw him on this day. The next day she came to my parents house, because she felt like we have to talk and basically broke up with me. I took it well, as I knew that the relationship sucked at this moment, so I told her I understand and let her go...But the seeds of distrust quickly started to sprout and soon came a strong and mostly certain feeling that everything was not so simple. I freaked out, broke in her facebook account and found out that for the time of the crissis, she had been spending a lot of time with her ex and ultimately ended up having sex with him, when he got her drunk in her parents aparment. Also, they have been talking about moving in together as roommates, as he was supposedly going to inherit a three-room apartment...Even though I learned that she gave him blue balls, this hurt like hell and I published some nasty status on my FB, because I was furious with them.

 

I calmed down during a sleepless night, deleted the status, we had a fight over the phone in the morning and I started to realize that I don't want to lose her. Not like this. So when she came for her stuff, I invited her in, apologized for the freakout and told her I don't want our relationship to end because of an external influence. She told me she doesn't really know and that she needs some space and went off for a night with the girls...We kept texting and after it seemed that she is just being undecisive, I went out, jumped our neighbors fence, stole a rose, ran to the pub they were in, put the rose in front of her and told her that I am certain and I want to be with her. I left, she chased me and we were back together...

 

I was ready to forgive and I was finally ready to take our relationship to the next level, so in about a month we moved to a rented apartment and we were both really happy. Her ex wasn't because I kept on intimidating him and ultimately his whining to her about it made her hate him, which I considered a success.

 

We were both on minimal wage, so the money was tight and after few months I got a second job. My first real job, to which I had to go early in the morning, so I felt proud of myself. Later in the year I got promoted in my first job, so we were on a great way to financial independence. The problem was that I was done with one work at 2 in the morning and had to wake up at 5 twice a weak, so I became stressed, busy and our intimate life slowly faded away. During this time she stoped going with me to our shows as she didn't enjoy it much anymore (not surprising, to be honest) and when we didn't have any plans, we were both just sitting at home - I was working, she was watching TV or doing something else. We became some kind of a young elderly couple. So I kinda forced her to reconnect with her friends and eventualy she did and she found out that having al ife out of the relationship is fun.

 

At the same time I became kind of depressed again, not knowing if we have any future ahead of us and I told her about it. I basically broke down in tears saying that we might be just too different to work as a functioning couple and I'm not sure if love is enough to overcome these differences. She told me that love is enought andit can work, if we both try. I agreed and because I got that off my chest, I felt happy in the relationship again.

 

At the end of the year she lost her job, so it seemed like she is going to spend much more time at home and I didn't mind, I was just happy that she was there and I didn't see any problem just sitting in one room, doing our own stuff. She seemed to mind as she started spending more time at her parents and to me, it felt quite normal, because Chrismtas was coming up. I should've been more receptive.

 

One night she went out with her girlfriends, I stayed home working and later in the night went for a beer with the guys. She called me and told me to stop by at a club they were in and I went there. I met her on her way home, we got there together, had some drunken sexual encounter and everything was just as usual. Four days after that (btw the same day I quit my second job, because I was making enough money in my first one) she came home from baking session with her mother and told me that we have to talk. She told me that I might have been right and we are just too different to ever make it work and taht she wants to break up. It devastated me, I once again broke down in tears and told her that if that's her final decision, I will accept it, even though I don't agree. She asked me if she can still live in the apartment as she didn't want to go back to her parents. I agreed and we slept in the same bed that night. I was a mess, so I was awake for most of the night looking at her sleeping, holding her hand. In the morning, we didn't talk at all. The atmosphere was really cold. After I had enough, I told ther that I'm not going to let her go, that I want to fight, and she said that everytime I change, the change is just temporary and I will always be what I am. I told her to give it a final decision - either stay here and try to make it work, or leave. And she left.

 

This felt like a nuclear bomb. My world just crumbled under my feet and I felt like I was all alone in darknes. Left behind to die. Every promise, everything we did for the last almost five years was getting lost in the echo of her closing the door of our apartment.

 

She still had to come for the rest of her stuff, so I didn't contact her in any form, to give her some space. After she came, we barely talked, she just packed her things and left. That was another massive hit, because she seemed so cold, so far away, basically already moved on.

 

On the same day, I finally got out of bed. Not just physically, but I decided to get on with my life and went out with my brother-in-law and some friends. At the bar, I met her. She looked at me with an expression of shock and went away to the table she was sitting at with one of her friends. I went to her, told her that I am OK and I don't see any problem with talking to each other. So I sat next to her, everyone left us alone and we talked. We talked and we drinked, so we said many things that probably didn't need to be said. And she told me she met someone. At first, my sight got red with anger, but I handled it pretty well and told her that I'm glad she told me and that it's not my business as she is single now. I walked her home, kissed her on the forehead and went home to cry into her bathrobe with a loaded gun in my lap...Yeah, I didn't feel good.

 

Because this story is getting out of hand, I will keep the rest short...or at least shorter

 

Eventualy she told me how she met him and that he completely blew her away. I found out that they actually met on the night she went out with the girls, but she promised me that nothing happened and that she fell in love with him a day or two after our breakup, when she ran into him at a store. I went psycho, found out every single thing I could about the guy, of course didn't forget to tell her, which probably scared her away a little more. Days went by, I went from having fun out with my friends to getting into a street fight just to get my ass kicked and crying myself to sleep. I felt completely lost, betrayed, sad, angry, I didn't want to live anymore, because everything felt as a lie. I kept asking myself how could she exchange me for someone that quickly...

 

When New Years came, I decided for it to be a milestone. That I will close the chapter and get on with my life. I went through a little ritual of saying goodbye to the places where we spent time together, got wasted alone at home and woke up a new person. I decided to fight, to change, to give everything I got to get her back. I went NC for about 9 days, since then I was trying to keep contact really low. I started eating healthy, working in a way that gave me more free time, working out and getting new hobbies. I updated my wardrobe, got contact lenses, went out with some female friends to raise my confidence. I stoped drinking, which is a biggie in a country where beer is considered national sport.

 

A month went by, we met few times as she had and still has some of her things in my apartment and we were able to talk like we did before. Except the fact that she bringed up her new BF (and how awesome he is) from time to time, which sometimes made me wonder about their relationship, because in my book, spending most of her time in his apartment and actually having key to his apartment after one month of knowing each other and after a recent breakup of a long-term relationship (she basically lives there, even though she says she's not), is just insane.

 

I was still determined to get her back as soon as possible. I was even ok with being a and actually stealing her from him. I just didn't want to be the guy waiting around like a vulture for their first crisis and taking advantage of it (as her ex did it when we were together). I had my mind completely focused on becoming a man of her dreams, because during the days I started with my "Big plan", I realized that she is the love of my life. She's not perfect in any way, but I love her with all my heart and want her to be my wife and the mother of my children. This was a completely thought out realization.

 

I was of course focusing on the fact that this is a rebound relationship and is destined to fail soon. It was right after our breakup, it's moving really qickly, he is completely different than me (or any guy she dated before). Many signs gave me hope that soon enough, I will get my chance to shine. Well, all changed after I met them this saturday together...

 

It was in a club I usually go to and it was an event organised by some of my friends. But when she arived with her new BF, she was quite suprised and told me that she didn't expect me there and waas actually kinda pissed that I was there, because they have met her another ex in a pub they went before. She was honestly scared of this situation. She didn't even introduce me to her BF when they walked right past me, which was quite insulting for me. So I was doing my usual walking around the club, talking to different friends and not paying much attention to the couple. I noticed though, that he was giving me dirty looks from time to time. I responded with a smile. Later I went next to them at the bar to introduce myself and so I did. With confidence, a big smile on my face and a little joke about her being "a fragile article" (That didn't go well. He got confused, she panicked a little Later, I went to sit at the table of our mutual friends and found out that she was sitting there with him. So I politely asked her if she's OK with that and sat down. At first, she was actively ignoring me, after I started a conversation with her, she kept on saying that this is the worst night of her life because she didn't want him to get into a situation like this. I told her repeatedly that we would meet eventualy as we live in a small city and this is actually a good thing, because I can get to know him, he can get to know me and we will all know where we stand. He didn't talk to me at all, just gave me another not so friendly look and responded almost angrily when I returned a smile to him. Later he went away with her brother to talk somewhere and I was left there with her alone.

 

We talked about many things, but mostly she kept repeating that she truly loves him. That she feels something she never felt before and is really happy in her new relationship. I told her I can see that, I can see how happy he makes her. I also told her that I don't want to disappear from her life, to lose my best friend. She held my hand and told me she feels the same way, but she really loves him, because he is everything she was ever looking for. As we were holding hands looking into each others eyes, I felt the connection I thought we lost. It felt almost as strong as before and at this instance, I knew she still loves me and cares about me to some extend. At this moment, I also realized that I have not seen her this happy for a long time and it made me really happy. At this moment, I finally let her go. I realized that I love her and I would be much more satisfied by seeing her this happy in the arms of another man than unhappy on my side. I finally set aside my ego.

 

As she couldn't stand being away from him anymore, we went to find him and I was getting ready to go home. After we found him, I took him aside, told him tahth she is for me the most precious thing I have in my life and that I hope he will take care of her the best he can. I shook his hand and left. I was leaving the battlefield with my head held high and my banner flying. I was broken inside, but didn't feel defeated as I have made maybe the most mature decision in my life. I felt good.

 

It's exactly two months after our breakup today. I am in the best shape of my life, I am financially independent, I honestly look the best I can and my mind feels complete. I realized that loving someone doesn't always have to be about having the person next to you when you go to sleep. Love doesn't always need to be returned. Love just is. If you truly love someone, you wish him the best, even if it means that you will never be a couple together.

 

Now I'm starting to work on getting back our friendship, as it's something I trully value and don't want to lose. I realized I might have become Virgil by getting her through the purgatory of our relationship into the hands of her true love and I will stand in the back watching over her happiness. Or maybe she is just infatuated and will realize that what we had was real...

 

The beautifull thing about this whole story is that I cannot possibly lose. Whatever the future brings, I will always be stronger than ever before. And that might be actually my message to you - Fight, if you want. Become the best possible version of yourself, because when you do, you will be set on your journey for immortality.

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Sounds fairly standard to me. Right now it sounds like you're in the bargaining stage and embracing self-improvement in hopes of one day negotiating your way back into the relationship. I've been there - as have many others here as well.

 

Just keep working on yourself and stick to no contact - online and in real life. It gets easier.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Sounds fairly standard to me. Right now it sounds like you're in the bargaining stage and embracing self-improvement in hopes of one day negotiating your way back into the relationship. I've been there - as have many others here as well.

 

Just keep working on yourself and stick to no contact - online and in real life. It gets easier.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

I have to agree with Sharky, it sounds standard to me also (see my story if you want).

 

Nonetheless, I have to give you credit for the way you ended things, it was really brave.

 

Keep on' living for yourself, you're the only one who matters !

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Well, I didn't really know where I was going or what I was expecting from this thread. Mostly, I used it as a mean to vent, but you guys actually shed some new light on my situation

 

I honestly thought that I finally let her go and came to peace with the situation. But your replies made me think, if I'm not still stuck in the bargaining phase and I actually realized that it might as well be the truth. So, on monday, I sent her some job offerings I found online, deleted her from my friendlist on Facebook and went NC. She didn't repply or aknowledge my messages, it even seems that she completely ignored and didn't read them. Yesterday, it made me think about all the years we've known each other and all those things we've been through and I got mad. After all that, I think I deserve at least some decency from her.

 

So it seems like I have reached stage 4. - anger. I am even looking forward to the day, when she wakes up from the pink tinted dream of finally finding an ideal man and the bubble of her new relationship will burst. When I did my last facebook stalking round on their profiles, I saw that he liked the official page of Steven Seagal and it made me smile in a really sinister way, because she hates that actor more than any other. (yes, I am working on my selfcontrol and I will stop doing this as soon as possible )

 

Deep in my heart I still wish her well, because I know that she is a good human being overall, but I am finally able to be angry with her for the things she has done prior and after our breakup and it actually feels good.

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People tend to cycle through the different stages at different times. I think it's healthy when you can start to feel angry at your ex. For me anyway, it helps to knock them off their pedestal. Taking off the rose-colored glasses is another baby step toward acceptance, which is a gradual process.

 

Going No Contact is another important step in your healing. This means no contact at all -- online and off. There's no "special exception" to this. The more you stalk your ex and the people in her life online, the more you set back your healing. NC = no internet snooping. Period.

 

For now, try to accept there can be no friendship between you. One day, when you've moved on completely and all romantic feelings are gone, this might be possible if you still want to be a part of her life. But for now, the goal is to disappear from her world and make her disappear from yours. Create that bubble of safety around yourself with no new fresh incoming information about her and her life. Nurture yourself and continue to work out and be healthy and do all those great things to help yourself move on.

 

Keep posting! It helps.

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I need somewhere to vent and as I don't want to bother my friends anymore (because if I would, I would soon have no more friends to bother ), I'm gonna do it here...

 

Weekends get to me. I'm trying to keep myself busy, I have actualy just come back from a little sunday garden party, but whatever I do, she is still in the back of my mind. I came home and felt empty. Not really sad, just as a hollow shell of a man. Like I have become just a shadow of a man I once was.

 

It's been 8 days since I last saw her and 7 days since our last mutual comunication. Since then, she's still ignoring the messages I sent her. Does she just not care? Am I nothing to her anymore? After 10 years of friendship and 5 years of a romantic relationship, am I just an echo of her past? Was it all just a phase for her? Was it just a mirage?

 

I feel betrayed and torn up inside again. I want to call her and tell her how much she hurt me, that she is just a cold hearted monster who uses people for her own good and until she realizes that, she will never be happy, but at the same time, I just want her to come out of the bathroom in her bathrobe and ask me if I'm working tonight or if we're gonna watch a movie.

 

I know she's with him, probably smiling at him like she used to smile at me, kissing him with the same passion she used to kiss me, cuddling with him. And I'm here, alone, in an apartment we rented together surrounded by her stuff.

 

I've learned that the night she met him for the first time, she told her friends that we are doing okay as a couple and that we might be moving to another city soon. Four days later, she broke up with me. Three days after that, she told me she met someone. A week after that, she was already spending most of her evenings in his appartment. Did she just throw away everything we've been through, because she fell in love with some guy, who paid more attention to her than me at the moment? Was she preparing for this breakup for weeks, or months, and he just became the next train to board? Is she now supressing all the connection we once had with this new fling, or did she flip a switch and moved on in matter of days?

 

I, once again, feel naked in the dark. Worthless, left behind, forgotten. I feel lied to, used, thrown away like a cigarette butt, which just had nothing more to offer, so she just light up another one. Just yesterday, I felt complete, accomplished, strong, happy. Now, I am broken...

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8 days since you've seen her... and you've messaged her since then.... so how long has it been without contact, really?

 

You need to give yourself time. Actual, REAL time. Not hours. Not days. Not a week or two. A few months at least to be over the worst of it -- then it starts to feel better, honest.

 

You're not worthless by any means. Many great people are dumped by interior partners for someone else. The history of all of the arts and literature depend on it.

 

Keep posting.

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8 days since you've seen her... and you've messaged her since then.... so how long has it been without contact, really?

 

You need to give yourself time. Actual, REAL time. Not hours. Not days. Not a week or two. A few months at least to be over the worst of it -- then it starts to feel better, honest.

 

You're not worthless by any means. Many great people are dumped by interior partners for someone else. The history of all of the arts and literature depend on it.

 

Keep posting.

 

I have described all of it in posts before - I ran into her and her new "superman" last saturday and went into actual NC (Another try of NC, to be exact. The longest one lasted for 9 days.) on monday after I sent her some job offerings I saw online. I didn't try to reach her since then and for the first time after the breakup I don't really want to, her complete lack of comunication just gets to me. I would expect her to at least get the rest of her stuff, so it really seems illogical to me

 

I know time is of the essence here, but I'm quite impatient and the whole thing is just messing with my head.

 

Anyway, I'm already feeling way better than I was when I wrote that last post. Just some dark cloud, I guess. Now I'm gonna go burn some dinner and listen to some angry music to get the emotions flowing and out of the way

 

Thanks for the support. Even though you are a complete stranger, it's nice to read that I am not worthless and I can actually be one of the "many great people"

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Just remembered another thing that really makes me wanna see into her head: When we met on last saturday and had our private talk, she kept on telling me that she loved me, but never as much as she loves this guy (very considerate, but she was drunk, so meh ), that he is everything she was ever looking for in a man and she just knows she is going to marry him one day. When I asked her if she told him about how she cheated on me, she said he musn't know and specifically asked me not to ever mention anything about it to him.

 

I know she's now in the unicorns and marshmallow fudge phase, but wow. Planning on marrying someone who she started dating instantly after ending a long term relationship, who she knows for not even three months and who she doesn't trust enough to be completely honest with...That just seems surreal to me and I don't understand what the heck is she doing

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I can tell you this friend : never, EVER, EVER THINK THAT SHE LEFT YOU FOR SOMEONE "BETTER".

 

She simply left for someone else. With strong points and weak points, like everyone else.

 

You're not worhless by any means, even if getting dumped somewhat make us feel this way. But again, that's your ego thinking, not your actual brain. The only way to obstruct this is to focus on going NC for a while because everything your ex will tell you will undoubtely take bites on your ego and putting you back in square 1 each time. It will make you think, obssess about everything and, in a nutshell, won't allow you to heal and put her down of her pedestal. And that last part, you need to do.

 

Cut all contact, force yourself to rationalize your relationship and take it for what it really was : a nice memory which had a peremption date. Anything beyond this point will get you down for the time being. Moreover, since you know eachother for a very long time, don't expect this to be done in a matter of days or even months. It's difficult, I know, but you have to do it.

 

And for the "she turned the page so fast it's surreal" thing... I understand your doubts but, believe me, people are capable of doing those things... You noticed that my ex-wife decided to leave her job, life, friends and country in order to follow her "new incredible love" after only three weeks... So, bwah, anything's possible... It doesn't mean that their couple will work but it also doesn't mean that it won't. Again, they need time to get to know each other (just like you two did...) and, to be fair, you NEED to allow them to walk their way without being there for her. You are messing with the natural course of their relationship when you're around (good or bad) and you can't possibly heal when doing so.

 

So, in a nutshell, it's a Lose-lose situation. Get out of it !!!

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Well, I'm probably gonna use this thread as a kind of a journal, but any advice or insight from you is much welcomed...

 

Yesterday, I finally moved all of her things (except the furniture we got from her parents) to the basement and in the evening, I felt like from now on, it's gonna be easier to heal and move on. But today, I just had to run into her and her mom in the checkout line at a store. She just coldly told me "hi", I nodded my head with a little smile as a reply, her mom probably didn't even notice me. And my heart just melted as I saw her. Why is it so difficult to stop feeling affection towards someone who ditched me like this?

 

Anyway, it seems like she's still not working and she's ignoring my messages from last week on purpose, so I'm not expecting any contact from her anytime soon. That might help

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I'm sure you meant well, but you honestly did overstep the boundary of an ex-boyfriend by sending her job listings. I suspect she's not answering you and putting up fences now because she wants to make a clear boundary -- you're not really privy to the inner-workings of her life anymore.

 

It's okay, just keep moving forward. Try to avoid anyplace you might run into her for the next few weeks.

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I'm sure you meant well, but you honestly did overstep the boundary of an ex-boyfriend by sending her job listings. I suspect she's not answering you and putting up fences now because she wants to make a clear boundary -- you're not really privy to the inner-workings of her life anymore.

 

It's okay, just keep moving forward. Try to avoid anyplace you might run into her for the next few weeks.

 

Well, few weeks after the breakup, when things have cooled down to some extend, she came for some of her stuff and stayed for coffee, so we could talk a little. When I mentioned that I went to the movies with one of my female-friends who was also looking for a job and I'm trying to help her with that, my ex asked me to send her some listings which might suit her, when I come accross any. She also suggested that I should get together with that friend, which was just odd at the time

 

She also messaged me about some computer related problems she had and about some problems considering her last job, so the ex-partners boundaries were not really set (and yes, I have been a fool when I helped her with that while she was actually at her new lovers appartment). Maybe I crossed the line when I told her new "ideal man" what I told him or when I wished her all the best in her new relationship. Or maybe she just wants to cut me out of her life completely, but that doesn't really make sense since she's still got her frickin stuff at my place

 

Trying to avoid her will be tricky, because we live quite close to each other and tomorow I'm moving to my parents house to watch my sisters kid because she's about to have another one. This might actually keep my mind busy, but it's about 100 meters away from her new boyfriend's appartment and right next to the place she walks her parent's and his dogs, so there's that...

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You're in for it with all this close proximity! Really try to avoid her -- if it takes an extra effort, then do it.

 

And regardless of what she's said or done before the breakup or since, don't have anymore contact and respect the boundaries. SHE is just as likely to want to send breadcrumbs and keep in contact as you are.... but for you and your healing, keep those walls up. If you see her in a market again, leave or keep a distance so she doesn't see you. These muddy lines and inconsistencies are NO excuse to break NC or to feel in any way "closer" to her.

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So, 12th day of NC (except the quick "hi" at the store) and she contacted me. She wrote me in a really cheerfull manner to wish happy b-day to a ferret we got together 4 years ago and asked if I got it at my place or if I took it with me to my parents house. When I replied, she asked if I deleted her on facebook, so I wrote to her:

 

"We both know what we said about staying friends were just words we used as a mean. For you, to feel less guilty, for me, to desperately try to stay in your life, where I'm not wanted anymore. We both also know that we cannot be friends, partially because of the unsolved emotions, which you covered by your new relationship and I need to deal with. So, for now, this is it, and after we take care of the official stuff, like moving the rest of your things from my place, I will disappear from your life completely."

 

She replied:

 

"Okay, whatever you think. I will arrange moving out of my stuff as soon as possible. And, please, when you'll decide that we'll stop greeting on the street, let me know, so I won't be waving my hand like an idiot. Thanks, bye."

 

And I couldn't keep myself from reacting:

 

"I don't want to stop greeting you on the street. I don't even want to stop talking to you. Everything I said last time we talked stays. But I have enough inteligence to understand that I am not welcomed somewhere and enough self-respect to get out of there in time. You decided for our ways to part and I need to focus on dealing with this whole situation within myself."

 

 

It's really difficult to force myself to do something that I don't want to, because, honestly, I don't want to cut her out of my life...But I know I need to do that, it's just...hard.

 

 

Also, staying at my parents house is bringing me down, because this place is just filled with memories especially from the shiny beginning of our relationship. It's amazing how lonely one can feel in a house full of people...

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PLEASE stop communicating with her now. You are a compulsive over-sharer. If you think you're helping her to feel empathy for you.... or to miss you.... you're wrong. You're not helping yourself to heal by opening a vein everytime she sends you breadcrumbs and you're only driving her farther away.

 

Make getting the last of her things out of your place your new number one priority in life so you can finally start No Contact for real! Give yourself a deadline: how much stuff is it really? Can you get it done this weekend?

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PLEASE stop communicating with her now. You are a compulsive over-sharer. If you think you're helping her to feel empathy for you.... or to miss you.... you're wrong. You're not helping yourself to heal by opening a vein everytime she sends you breadcrumbs and you're only driving her farther away.

 

Make getting the last of her things out of your place your new number one priority in life so you can finally start No Contact for real! Give yourself a deadline: how much stuff is it really? Can you get it done this weekend?

 

She initiated the contact and I didn't want to be rude by completely ignoring it. I also wanted to get out there the information about the impossibility of our friendship, but as I'm quite emotional, I slipped and I realise I shouldn't have written so much...I didn't even hope to invoke empathy or any feelings of missing me, because she's head over heels in the new relationship and her hard head is probably suppresing any thoughts about me.

 

If I would be able to move the stuff completely out myself, it would be already gone. Unfortunately, the situation is more complicated, as it's quite a lot of things and I suppose her parents don't want all of them in their appartment, so she's probably waiting if they're gonna alow it or if she's gonna move it to his place...It's all now in the basement storage, so out of my sight, and when she finally decides to get it back, I can arrange with her brother to get it...

 

I can't set myself a deadline to do that right now, as we are still waiting for my sister to give birth and the next few days will be quite chaotic

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Accept that you over-share: and take action to stop it.

 

You can't rely on your own instincts where your ex is concerned.

 

You give yourself endless excuses and rationalizations for contact.... end it, now. Enlist the help of her family or mutual friends to get her things out of your place and your life. Your sister's impending delivery didn't prevent you from contacting your ex and it won't prevent you from getting her things out.

 

And congratulations to you and your family! A new baby is a wonderful thing. Don't use it as an excuse to keep the connection with your ex.

 

Edit to add: And by the way, your ex wouldn't have been able to send you this breadcrumb which resulted in this most recent round of contact if you had blocked her! She doesn't need to be contacting you now. It isn't "rude" to have boundaries or protect yourself after a breakup. It was actually rude and selfish of her to send you this breadcrumb when you're obviously not over the breakup!

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You give yourself endless excuses and rationalizations for contact.... end it, now. Enlist the help of her family or mutual friends to get her things out of your place and your life. Your sister's impending delivery didn't prevent you from contacting your ex and it won't prevent you from getting her things out.

Actually, it will. I am now serving as a stand-by emergency babysitter, so it would be unwise to disappear even for few minutes...I'll take care about it next week.

 

And congratulations to you and your family! A new baby is a wonderful thing. Don't use it as an excuse to keep the connection with your ex.

Thanks My ex actually told me few weeks after the breakup that she hopes she will be informed about the newborn baby, so I asked my brother-in-law to inform her if he wants, so I won't have to do it...

 

Edit to add: And by the way, your ex wouldn't have been able to send you this breadcrumb which resulted in this most recent round of contact if you had blocked her! She doesn't need to be contacting you now. It isn't "rude" to have boundaries or protect yourself after a breakup. It was actually rude and selfish of her to send you this breadcrumb when you're obviously not over the breakup!

I obviously suck at taking radical measures and putting up walls. I can't help myself from thinking that it will make her angry and I will seem like a jerk. I'll just have to keep reminding myself that even though I have some blame for the breakup, she is the one who wanted out and hurt me. That she is the one who left me brokenhearted on my knees in the mud and returned three days later alongside of her new boyfriend to spit in my face. I have to make it my mantra. I was always selfless and quick to forgive and in this case it's doing me no good...

 

So, no more baby steps, I just blocked her and next week, I'm gonna get her stuff out of the basement to wherever...

 

And thanks for the posts, my head is just spinning and you always help me to get it straight. Or at least point in more meaningful direction

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I'm really glad if my posts are helpful to you. That's what we're all here for!

 

Good for you for blocking her! Keep us updated on your progress next week getting her stuff out.

 

I sure will. Sharing such intimate stuff like this with strangers on the internet is one of the perks I like about the information age

 

Anyway, I cannot stop myself from thinking about this whole situation today. It doesn't hurt, I'm not angry, I am accepting that we are broken up, there is no going back and she is in a different relationship. I'm not trying to understand her anymore, because it's obviously impossible. But I miss her and I miss her bad. Not as a life partner or a lover, just as a person...I really need to force myself to stick to the healing process, because it's been more than two months and it feels like I've made no progress whatsoever. Yeah, and I know it's my fault for not actually doing much to heal

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So, some news...

 

I have managed a week of complete NC. No comunication, no facebook stalking, I avoided her and didn't even talk about her (much ). And I realized the radical step of cutting myself off was the best idea. I had no need of reaching out to her, I didn't know what she's up to and for the first time in the last several years, I didn't care. It was strange to me, but made me happy, because I noticed I'm finally making some progress. I have even made the decision to date. For the first time not because I need to or because I have to, but because I want to. Another great feeling

 

However, I didn't manage to move her stuff out, because work/family situation kept me really busy. I also realized that it's not my problem. The things are in the basement, so out of my sight, and if they rot in there, I don't care.

 

Today, I got a phone call from her about a jacket she wants to get from me, so I told her that if she'll arrange with me in advance, I can give it to her, but I'm not sure when, as I have much to do lately. She didn't sound happy about that, but again - I didn't care.

 

And finally, I ran into her just about an hour ago. She was walking her new BF's dog, I was on the other side of the street, so I just waved "hi" and went on, but she stopped me and asked me about my sister and when she'll be able to get the jacked, so we ended up talking for about 40 minutes. I told her everything I was suppressing inside - how cold hearted she is acting, how angry I am with her for not showing any regret for what she has done to me, how selfish she was acting. She told me that she doesn't regret the breakup or jumping into the arms of another guy so soon, but she feels really bad for the impact it had on me. She even told me that she's angry with me for how I acted last year and that I seem so happy now, after the breakup.

 

We even talked about how we're both not sure about salvaging our friendship - I told her I don't really want to anymore because of how she acted after the breakup and she doesn't want to because of how I acted towards the end of the relationship. We even talked about the faults in our relationship, but ended up agreeing there is no point in talking about it anymore.

 

Through all this talking, I realized few things:

 

- I honestly don't have romantic feelings for her anymore. I don't want to have a girlfriend who can be so self-centered and basically a cold-hearted b**tch. I don't

- She never moved on. She was the one who brought up our relationship and she is still angry about some stuff that happened while we were together. It seems like she's still just suppresing most of the stuff left from our past with the new romance. So, good luck with that to the new guy

- I want to be friends with her down the line, with no intent of getting back together anymore. I'm not really sure why, but I do.

 

I ended things by saying that I value our friendship, but I'm not going to initiate any contact or force it and if she'll have anything to say to me considering what I told her, she knows how to reach me. If she won't, that's fine.

 

Right now, I can honestly say I'm over her. I' don't feel it, I'm not making myself think it, I know it. And hopefully it stays like that

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Okay, you need to get her jacket and ALL HER THINGS out of your place so that there's no more need for future contact.

 

I understand right now it feels like you're over her romantically, but recovery is an up-and-down back-and-forth journey. It's WWAAAAAAAAY too soon for you to be dating. I don't care that she has a new boyfriend. She wasn't dumped -- you were. She had been preparing herself emotionally for the breakup long before you were even aware this was a possibility.

 

Please -- you need to stop the contact. You need to STOP sharing your "inner world" with this girl.

 

You need to give yourself time to walk away, for real, emotionally and to heal. If your mind is telling you "having her stuff in my basement doesn't affect me".... then you KNOW you can't trust your own thoughts right now! Of course it affects you.

 

If your mind is telling you "friends someday sounds great!" know that this is yet another way of keeping her in your life, another cord that must be severed. Friendship for you and her is many months -- if not years -- away. If you believe you're not still rooting and hoping for her new relationship to fail -- which a true *friend* would never do -- I think you're kidding yourself at this point. Give it time. It will come -- but not now or anytime soon.

 

It's good that you feel less attached right now. There'll be highs and lows to come, that's okay. It's normal. Keep going -- and get her stuff OUT of your house!!

 

I hope your sister's doing well!

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