how to deal with one major insecurity in a relationship

[staysound]

I am struggling somewhat with the concept of control, or trying to control the uncontrollable. I am not sure if this is the right section, but I'll give it a go here..

 

I have been with my boyfriend now for 7-8 months. I have no reason to distrust him, not from what I know from him directly or even indirectly.

He has been consistently displaying trustful behavior, has not said anything that 'didn't add up' or even spends time without me being included in some way or another.

However, when we first met he had been having quite a number of flings, as close as the night before we met.

He hasn't met with his last fling or any of them since we started something.

A mutual acquaintance told me in those first few weeks that he was desperate for a girlfriend though, and some other stuff that lingered in my head. He also told me in the beginning that he had had some drama fueled (short) relationships because he was so infatuated with the other person, he didn't want to get into something like that anymore. Fair enough, because I had had my share of drama because of the same reason. So basically, we liked each other a lot, were attracted to each other, started spending our days and nights together, being virtually inseparable up until this day. I have posted before about my worry he might me settling with me, but he has in the mean time insured me that isn't the case.

I stay insecure about that though and every so now and then I get anxious about that.

 

I learned that although by now he does affectionate things towards me, and he had to build up trust to do so with me, he still won't say the L word first, he did one time when he had too much to drink, so for me that's overshadowed because of that.

I do know, because he told me and because I experience it the same as him, that he is happy. And so am I.

I am worried though that my insecurities might rise up instead of fade out..

 

I have been extensively cheated on in the past and because of that I have a very difficult time trusting people. Men but especially women. I trust men more than I trust women, even female friends when it comes to my relationship. I have had therapy which definitely made me a more relaxed person but it is sometimes very difficult to slay the distrust demons on a daily basis.

I try very hard to not let this affect my relationship or friendships, I do exercises and certain techniques to relax about whatever of whomever makes me insecure and try not to show it or let it affect our time together.

But lately I catch myself expressing more insecurities to him than I would like to share with him. (I don't want him to think I am not the confident person I want to be, or I have grown into…)

For example, I consider myself to be an not so unattractive person if it weren't for some (in my opinion) or maybe one major flaw in my face. My teeth. I know how superficial this might sound, especially because I consider myself to be more than just a set of teeth, I really do.

Yet, this has haunted me all of my life. My teeth aren't hideous, but I have quite some gaps between my front teeth, an overbite, and what not.. When people say, 'this is what makes you' I cringe. I have had some dental work done, but for them to be seen as normal (or what I percieve as normal) would cost me a great deal of money, which I don't have. So I need to live with them, and I find this very hard. Why does it bother me so much, to the extent that when my boyfriend (or former ones) looks at another girl, or talks to another girl, I automatically assume he thinks she is more attractive when she has a nice set of teeth, not only more attractive but more pleasant because a girl with nice teeth is a confident girl. (that is not true I know that, but my initial thoughts work like that)

I know it sounds dumb, it is dumb, but after all these years, I still can't seem to shake this, when former boyfriends cheated on me, I automatically blamed it on my one major facial flaw and it grew to pester me in other areas of my self esteem.

 

I know I can't control how other people find me attractive or not, how my teeth have grown the way they are, how my boyfriend might or might not like other girls and so on.

 

I know leading a genuine and authentic life is the key to happiness, I really do and I really try, and throughout our time together we have been very happy.

Why can't I shake the feeling that something as superficial as a set of crooked teeth might lead me to loose him in the end?

 

 

I hate (I mean really hate) the fact that I feel I (have to) compare myself with other girls. I know a lot of girls are insecure about their bodies, or so many other things and I can honestly say, I have a good body, I have no other insecurities about it what so ever.

But I feel like my body is a compensation for what I perceive as hideous and I assume that my boyfriend thinks alike, which he denies, but then the voice in my head says 'yeah right'.

 

I feel that if I don't solve this I might end up in a self fulfilling prophecy with my current boyfriend and it scares me so much, to the point that I'm anxious over my anxiety over this.

 

Can somebody give me some helpful advise over how to relax over an insecurity you carried your whole life (I have been severely bullied as a young girl and even then I blamed a lot of it on the way my mouth looks)

 

My therapist only spoke about accepting it, which I get, nothing else will solve this except a huge amount of money and an extensive visit to a dental clinic, but I'd just like to hear from others how they dealt with something like this..

I don't like to talk about it with friends or even my boyfriend, I don't like to expose my insecurity like that.

 

I realize my story might be all over the place, but I'm not really good at sorting my thoughts out when it comes to this topic..

 

But thanks in advance for reading!

[jonnyd]

Hi staysound, it feels as though you are on an interesting and challenging quest, good luck! You seem to understand cognitively your insecurity and how to overcome it but are having a little trouble embodying that knowledge. I think you're nearly there, don't worry!

 

Your first statement I believe connects beautifully with another recent forum post about whether hate, or apathy is the opposite of love and in my opinion you have highlighted something quite important. It seems that neither hate nor apathy is truly love's opposite - the flipside of love is control.

 

I don't know if these will help, bit I can offer a couple of anecdotes. First a personal one... I am moley...I have a LOT of moles. My moles were an incredible insecurity for me when I was a teenager, and I never wanted to take my shirt off when I swam around people. I especially found it awkward undressing in front of females...anyway, I found myself in a loving relationship and my partner at the time one day said out of the blue - "I want to take a photo of your beautiful back, it's like the universe in reverse". One statement, and all my insecurities disappeared.

 

A friend of mine, like you, had crooked teeth. No matter what anyone else told her, she was terribly unsatisfied with her teeth and she ended up getting crowns or something like that to fix them. Following the procedure she did seem a bit more confident, which was nice to see, but I sort of missed her all over the shop teeth because they gave her face a really lovely cheeky character that suited her personality well.

 

I'm not sure how you might love your teeth, I'm sure you have desperately tried already. Couple of ideas:

- Remember. As Leonard Cohen said "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in"

- Name your teeth. When we love something and want to tame it we give it a name (read The Little Prince if you haven't already). If you can pluck up the courage you might like to seclude yourself in the bathroom, open your gates and have a good look at your teeth. Instead of thinking how horrible they appear, try to look at them individually. What do you see? Do they have individual personalities? Are they obedient/creative/dissenting/clever/useful etc...? Try to get to know them...maybe a name will emerge for each?

- Laugh. I am willing to bet you have an absolutely beautiful smile when you laugh, and that your teeth add significantly to that beauty. Let yourself laugh more. Practice laughing if you need to (not in the mirror, just by yourself, and fully open with your whole body). When you find yourself thinking self-consciously about your teeth, just say to yourself, "I'm doing it again" and let those thoughts go. Laugh at yourself for not laughing at your laughter

 

 

Well that's about all I can suggest. Once again best of luck, keep smiling!!!!!

[Kendahke]

If you don't get your jealousy demon slayed once and for all, it is going to be what will destroy this and any other relationship you have.

 

Comparing yourself to others is the fastest way to destroying your self esteem. If you don't think you are good enough, then no one else is going to be convinced that you are. There are ALWAYS going to be women who are prettier, skinnier, wealthier than you; those who will have what seems to be a better life than you, more personality than you, more (insert quality here) than you; just like there will be women who are uglier, fatter and poorer than you who have miserable lives, the personality of a sponge and less (insert quality here) than you. That is life, hon. No one is the brightest, shining star to everyone and sometimes even in a relationship, that star burns out. However, if you know what the life cycle of a star is, there is your answer for your future.

 

Jealousy stems from a feeling that who you are isn't and will never be enough; what you are on the inside isn't enough and because of that, the answer to your insecurities must lie with others because you need them to validate your worth to you. Your worth in/to yourself should be as self evident as the nose on your face. When it isn't, or when you demand that others validate that for you, you will always struggle with feelings of you not being enough for anyone, even yourself.

 

Plenty of women have been cheated on and yes, it can take a pound of flesh---but eventually, most women come to the realization that the cheating was not an indictment against who they are or the kind of person they are: it's totally about the person who did that to them and the choices that person made. It does not affect your worth or value as a good human being unless you let it affect it. When you make the actions of someone else the reason why you take a destructive course going forward, you are not taking responsibility for yourself and you're giving your autonomy away to others who may not deserve to have that placed in them. Your responsibility and your autonomy are yours and yours alone to manage and care for, no one else's.

 

If a guy doesn't want to act right, then you leave him be---you don't trade your self worth in to make someone who isn't all in with you stick around in something they are telling you they have no interest in being. That's the fastest way to see your worth decrease in your own eyes because it is no longer valuated within yourself, but is valuated outside yourself by those who do not hold the same estimation of your worth as you should/do.

 

With regards to your mouth, I, too, had severely crooked teeth all through out my teen years. I had my braces put on the day before I went to college, so I get the whole bad teeth must equal I'm not loveable dynamic. However, I never believed that my teeth equaled deserving to be cheated on or staying with a cheater. I dated sporadically during those teen years, nothing too serious because I wasn't into that at the time.

 

If the issue is cost, then it's time to take responsibility and go get a second and/or third job to amass the money to pay for either the insurance for dental/braces or pay for them outright. Making excuses instead of taking proactive action might be one of the most helpful things you can do--and perhaps your therapist doesn't think that you have to be taken by the hand and led to that conclusion like I've had to do here. But you need to step up to the plate--if you don't feel you're worth this kind of investment on your part, how do you expect anyone else to believe that you're worth making an investment in? You have to do some heavy lifting here... it's not someone else's responsibility to do it for you.

[staysound]

hi jonnyD, Kendakhe,

 

first off, thank you for your in depth replies, they both makes a lot of sense.

JonnyD, I absolutely loved your quote about how the opposite of love is control and I fully agree.

I also loved the fact your partner at that time took your insecurity away with a single remark. Sometimes all the self love in the world can't top a comment like that. It's more of a compliment that makes you feel good than it should be an insecurity killer, I'm aware of that. Still: very nice thing to say and to hear.

Your advise about how to accept my smile is also constructive, I have to say though, I do not let my teeth get in the way of smiling. I'm known as somebody who *always* smiles. I absolutely love humor and am told to be very witty and loved for it and because of that I smile a lot.

 

Kendakhe,

what you said... I know...

I absolutely know and I feel so silly and childish for having this affect a lot of my selfworth.

I'm not insecure about who I am, I'm really not, I mean no more or less than any other. I accept my character flaws, I try to be as honest or as good a person as I can be. I know that ultimately, that's the real reason why I attract people, or my boyfriend for that matter.

 

The problems you mention, I definitely had those and most of them I cut loose through therapy.

I accepted my history, I accepted the cheating as something they were responsible for, not me, and so on.

But I don't think I ever mentioned my teeth in therapy, even in those sessions, feeling too silly to be worried about something so superficial, especially since I honestly have no other insecurities about my body.

Then how can this affect me so much.

It's just recently I realized how much they do.

And it's like no rational explanation can take away the load I put on this flaw of mine.

 

It is true however that I have to keep working on putting value on my own opinion more and not on anyone else's, even if that is someone I myself give high value to.

This is not somebody else's job to fix but mine, I guess I have some more introspection to do, more than I thought I still had to.

[staysound]

hi Kendakhe,

you added to your post so I just read about the costs and stuff..

I won't go into details about how difficult fixing my teeth would be, it would mean I either save up to buy a house or do this.

I can do some minor adjustments and I have plans to do so when I get the money together. It would mean my two front teeth would be fixed first, which would be a considerable change already.

In the meantime I visit my dentist every three months to make sure my fillings (I have fillings that fixed the most visible gaps) stay at its place and because they color more than my original teeth I have to have those cleaned more often. (my boyfriend said yesterday: I don't care your teeth are somewhat 'off' but I don't like how they get brown... and they aren't that colored because I go to the dentist so often to have them polished..

But you see, I'm a very good client to my dentist

 

It's just that I feel or I want this to be fixable elsewhere, self esteem related, because I do attract nice looking guys, and I do come accross as charming, I'm actualy aware of that, but coming into a good relationship I get majorly insecure about them.

 

I suppose I also still get worked up about the fact my parents didn't want to invest in a beautiful smile, while my teeth are a result of a malicious dentist.

I could have had the perfect smile my mother has, but they didn't feel it necessary to correct what wasn't handled well.

Yeah.. I can still get mad at that, that I have to save up loads of money now because they didn't find it necessary while my teeth still had a change of growing nicely.

[Kendahke]

Mention your teeth. You might start getting a whole lot more out of your therapy sessions if you started dealing transparently about issues in your past which are directly influencing events now in your life. Your therapist isn't there to judge you or to feel you're being silly. Some people are hung up because their features are not completely perfect and that's why they're not loveable--it has more to do with them not loving and accepting themselves as they are. There are things about me which I would gladly go under the knife to fix... in fact, tomorrow, I'm beginning the first stage in a long overhaul of issues I feel need correcting (not surgery yet), but I refused to make a move in the direction until I felt comfortable doing it and was doing it for the right reasons.

[staysound]

Mention your teeth. You might start getting a whole lot more out of your therapy sessions if you started dealing transparently about issues in your past which are directly influencing events now in your life.

 

You are very right... I actualy had my final session back in september, now I think I will have to make a new appointment..

[arjumand]

While I agree that therapy would help, if your teeth bother you that much, postpone buying the house and get your teeth fixed. This is something that is bothering you every day and you are dismissing fixing it. You can always save for a house AFTER you have your teeth fixed. Besides, I have noticed a lot of younger people feeling like they need to buy a home immediately, and regretting that they made such a commitment before they had to.