i cant get over him

[amanda22]

here is the background: i was 17 he was 18. we went out for a year. he needed space , but i kept contact with him. he still loved me and wouldnt say no to contact even though he knew it was a bad idea. we were friends with benefits for 4 years.we both did not date during this time. i kept having hope but he was getting over me. 3 months ago he wanted to date a girl and i half-heartedly said goodbye to him. 2 weeks later, things between them did not work out and i jumped back into his arms even though he didnt ask for it. things were good. he was sweet. 2 weeks ago he meets an amazing girl and is so excited about her. this time i did not say goodbye and for some reason cant let go. before school ended i tried to be friends with him (since we carpooled) but i was insanely jealous and bitter. i always asked about details about them and got hurt since he told me the truth, but i cant stop asking. when school ended he just wanted me to leave him alone to pursue this new relationship. i keep calling him and asking if he wants to hang out with no success. i keep hearing how great she is and how he has never felt this way and connected with someone so well before. it kills me. i know i should stop talking to him but just cant. i want him back even though that is impossible right now seeing how he loves her and doesnt even want to hear from me. but he still says he cares about me and wants to be friends, but that i just need to get over him. oh yeah and school starts in february and we have a class together. he said before he wants to carpool with me if things are civil. i should say no but i know i wont because i am weak and will take any excuse to see him. i hate this and want to get over him and get on with my life but cant. please help and thank you for reading this long post

[PrincessLinzay]

Sweetie, this just isn't healthy. It's an infactuation. The reason that you're so interested in keeping this connection is because you're infactuated with him. It's not love though.

 

No matter how hard it is, you have to stop contacting him. Read some of the posts on here about NC (ie: No Contact). It's really the only way to go right now because he's made it clear that he's moved on to something new.

 

I know it's hard. Every time you feel the urge to contact him, post on here and vent instead. This is just bad news.

 

Hang in there!

[amanda22]

i know. thanks for the words. seems as though being on the computer is the only thing that distracts me from him. its just hard not to call. again, thanks

[PrincessLinzay]

Trust me, I think a lot of the people on these boards can relate to you.

 

The truth is, you and I both know that you can do so much better. You will find someone who wants to be with you and only you!

 

He's into someone else now and it may or may not work out, but being his friend will only hurt you in the long run because you want more.

 

N/C is the advocated method on these boards. It can make them miss you too! It helps to move on, or, helps exes realize that they're missing you! Hang in there. The people on these boards are great. And sometimes it helps to give other people advice, takes your mind off of your own problems. (It can also be helpful to hear other people in your same situation. Then when you want to do something stupid, everyone will tell you not to do it )

[asmodai]

I know NC is the rule of thumb here but remember the saying 'absense makes the heart grow fonder'. Sometimes when you cant catch up with the people you feel for you think about them more and that can only make things worse.

 

It sounds to me like maybe you do need closure, but as it seems he is making it clear to you that he does not want to persue a relationship you have all the interaction with this guy you need, look for it in whats happened between you guys, he made his decision and you could have done nothing more- be consoled in that.

 

Dont be too selfless, this guy is trying to salvage a friendship but you aren't probably ready for that yet, so dont hurt yourself just for the sake of him. Go the NC, give it time to settle down and when you are ready contact him to resume the friendship if you feel up to it (ie: when you are over him, but remember some people never truly get over relationships so if this is your case than leave this guy alone because you'll only waste time and energy on him and probably miss the chance for happiness with another guy.

[amanda22]

if i do nc, i wish he would miss me, but i know he wont because he is all into this other girl. as far as im concerned i am non existent to him and he could care less. it hurts. i know if i dont talk to him he wont call. now with this whole holiday thing, i want to see him xmas and exchange presents. he is prob fine with that. but it will hurt me so bad. but what about school in february? we have a class together. if i do nc in january how will i keep it together when i see him in school in feb? or what if he wants to carpool? i wont be able to say no... again thanks to both of you guys for your encouraging words.

[asmodai]

You are NOT non-existent to him, im sure. Everyone i've ever met has left an impression on my life no matter who they are and what things we shared, and despite whatever history I have with these people I still care about them and I always will- they are a part of my life, but they exist in the past. If he really has forgotten you entirley, then IMO this guy is quite shallow and is not worth the time of day.

 

What if he wants to carpool? Well you say that you cant say no, thats understandable. I think you need to make it clear to him that friendship isn't going to work, that although his intentions may be good it is only going to hurt you, youd prefer not to see him right now. Then NC him. If hes even a half decent guy he will respect your wishes and leave you alone, if he trys to contact you again he's being selfish and is deliberatley hurting you in exchange for his own interest.

 

It seems to me you're still putting him ahead of yourself, and this is huring you. I'm sure you still have deep feelings for him, and this is why you can't let go, despite everyone telling you to do so. You've aknowledged that he doesnt want to be with you, and are blaming yourself. This is normal but its also completley INSANE, its definatley not you're fault things didn't work out.

 

You need to use the time ahead for yourself, not him. Ask yourself what choice is going make ME feel better? You need to NC, but part of you sound like you haven't gotten closure yet. Dont do the xmas thing, its the holidays- be with your friends and family, try to be happy- if you see this guy its only going to make you feel worse.

 

It took me a long time to realise this after a breakup with a girl that i've had feelings for, but she broke up over the phone and i never even got to look in her eyes and hear it from her that it wasn't going to work, I felt i never got closure so for the last 8 months i've been in this endless loop - what is she doing, does she miss me, maybe I should call her, why cant we have another go things would be different etc...because I never felt it was truly over, but I recently realised that closure comes from within, not from your ex. Aim for the things that will get you back on your feet and feeling better. You say you have a class together in feburary? Well assuming you cant to change to an another class, put that on the backburner for the moment. Feburary is a long time away, deal with yourself before looking at how to deal with him.

 

You sound like a great girl who clearly is a dedicated, profound and caring person and im sure that a guy will come along that will realise this. I wish there were more like you out there

[amanda22]

thanks asmodai: i know what i need to do, but we all go a little insane when it comes to love. he just seems so level headed and mature about these things,like its just that easy to get over someone. he has had more experience than i, and im sure finding someone new is helping him also. (when he had no one else he did not mind being with me). its just hard to let go of someone that seems so normal and perfect, it makes all my faults stand out to me. he stopped by last night as he was in the area. i dont know if i liked it or not. it was all fine and nice but weird. we usually cuddle but we didnt cause he has someone else to do that with now, so thinking of that hurt. i would really like to be friends with him though, but i fear i never can because it feels as though i will never stop loving him. as he said, this experience is good for me (he was my first bf) everyone has to go through it, its a natural occurrence in life. i am trying to look on the positive side but it still hurts that he cares for someone else now.

"you sound like a great girl who clearly is a dedicated, profound and caring person and im sure that a guy will come along that will realise this. I wish there were more like you out there " (i dont know how to do that highlighted quote thing) thanks for your kind words

btw: i see you live in australia, how cool is that!!!

[asmodai]

What are these 'faults' you speak of? If you sat down and thought about it you'd realise they aren't faults, they're what makes you you. Should you really have to change yourself when all you want is someone to like you for who you are? NO... I'd seriously doubt that anyone on this planet can be classified as 'normal and perfect', we all have our weaknesses and strengths thats why we are all a great sea of individuals.

 

Use this as a learning experience (albeit a painful one) - Just look for the same qualities in other guys that you admire in this one, or heck go for someone totally different and see if you like them better, either way its helping you to sort out what sort of guy you are really after so that you'll be able to recognise him when you meet.

 

BTW: i'm in north queensland and it's anything but "cool" at the moment..try 33 degrees and 85% humidity

[amanda22]

the fact that he can see when a relationship is not working for him is good. or that when something hurts him he knows when to keep it inside. how he is beautifully romantic to her. and me, i wont leave even when its the best for me and how i torture myself with the things i know and do not know. how i tell him every emotion im feeling even though he is not the one i should be telling. how when he tried to be romantic with me i wouldnt know how to do it back and got awkward. i couldnt sleep at the moment as i couldnt help but think of all the time he is spending with her and all the sweet things he is telling her. i remember when we first met how happy he was and how happy he is right now only a million times more. i keep hearing him say how grateful he is he found her and how perfect they are together. i know this is stupid to think of so soon but i cant help to think they will prob get married (with what he has told me and his personality, this is why i think that) it just hit me so hard as i was going to bed, besides that ive been pretty numb

[Deckman33]

Hey Amanda. I guess most of the good advice was already given to you by the good people on this board. But here goes anyhows:

 

You know deep inside yourself that you need to get over him, be it love, be it infatuation or whatnot. But if your feelings are so strong, and you are so weak, it won't help. You have to look at what's best for you, what do you want, and what will make you happy. Don't miss out on your life waiting for him. The thing is, if he really loves you, he will come back to you, no matter how beautifull or great this girl will be.

I know that being friends with someone you love is very difficult, but having someone you love as a friend is better than not having them at all, unless they hated you. But I don't think that's the case with you. So I'd say, just distract yourself with stuff, (hobbies, interests etc..) keep light contact with him. And Everything should go just fine.

Hope I was of some help. Good luck.

[SilverManic]

NC is really hard but you just need the will power to do it. I know how hard it is since I've done the whole NC thing before. It didn't work for me because we don't see eachother at all except for at parties but I did get over that person and I really did love him and I still do care about him. It will take time but it will be okay. Hope you feel better soon.

[amanda22]

i dont know why im prolonging it, but im waiting till january for no contact. i still call him every day and want to keep in touch because of the stupid holidays. i hope i am strong in january and i hope a months works wonders because in february i will share a class with him at college. i am such an idiot! every time i call i ask a stupid question and get hurt. ex: "do you miss me? at all?" he says "no." very casually like i am nothing to him. (it helps he has a new girl to keep him from missing me) anyways i hate this self torture, but i have no one to blame but myself...

[asmodai]

Hi, just thought i'd PM you as I'm sorry to see that you're feeling down again, but for some reason that's not working, so i'll post instead.

 

Do you think it's because you saw him recently when he 'stopped by' and are calling him all the time?? Its reset your feelings and you're back to square one. This is the wisdom of NC, for your sake you MUST tell him that this friendship isnt going to work, at least not right now. From the sounds of things he cant see how much he's hurting you, now if he cant see that then he's not the 'all fantastic' guy you think he is at the moment, is he eh??

 

None of what you listed i would consider to be a fault, you cling to your feelings for this guy because thats probably the sort of person you are, and thats by NO WAY a bad thing!! your feelings for this guy will fade over time and youll be able to move on, how long this takes depends on person to person. Not everyone can just erase their thoughts about someone and move on, and theres nothing wrong with that. Wouldn't you rather be someone that takes things to heart than a cold, heartless b*itch??? I for one know which i'd rather be in a relationship with...

 

If you can't get him out of your head at the moment, dont force it because you'll only end up thinking about him more, think about something else (yes i know, its near impossible but you have to try). Get out and try to distract yourself with whatever things you enjoy. Go out on a night on the town with some girlfriends if thats your style - make it their job to cheer you up, thats what friends are for.

 

If you still cant get him out of your head focus on his bad points and why you wouldn't want to be with him. (you might say he doesnt have any...but you have to really look, maybe he had bad breath, maybe he smoked, maybe he was a tad too talll whatever...i'd say a major bad point was that he couldn't see what a great person you are ).

 

I remember one thing that helped after my ex left was thinking about a real scenario that she changed her mind and was trying to come back to me, but I tell her no and simply walked away. Do this enough times and it might help to ease the attachment you still feel toward this guy.

 

Oh, and another thing that really helped me was this forum (funny that eh?). Search through some earlier posts on similar situations and it might help to see how other people dealt with it.

 

Sorry my posts are so long, i'm in a typing mood..I hope you can wade through all the rambling and find some half decent advice. .

 

Feel free to PM if you want a guys perspective on things, i'm only too glad to help. Hope you are feeling better.

[amanda22]

thanks deckman and silvermanic

and of course asmodai: 1) what is PM? how do you do it?

2)yeah, i think im feeling this way cause i keep contact, but im very stubborn in denial and i think sometimes it helps to get a reality slap in the face. (that he is OVER me) i just get this overwhelming feeling to call him and when i do i feel better, but just for the moment. then i realize he is with someone else and what was the point of that call?

3) he says he wants to be friends (cause he can be) but if i cant be just a friend, he is not forcing a friendship. right now that is not important to him. i am the one forcing friendship at the moment, but i know its just cause im not over him and want to see him.

* im sure you can see how frusterating this situation is from HIS point of view by now*

4)coming on here helps me very much. i called him after work and he told me they are hanging out tonight, it hasnt bothered me that much cause im typing away here. and of course, there is nothing i can do about it. i feel that after chasing for so long, there is a point where i just have to give up...

5) dont say ur sorry about ur long posts, they are great because they have so much great info. to take in. i did not wade through the ramblings, it was all grade A material.

 

again, thanks so much for everyones advice

[asmodai]

PM= Private message, just click on the button that says 'PM' under the posted message. Feel free to vent anytime

 

I agree that love makes you do insane things, but by contacting him you are just resetting everything over and over and i fear that you will get into a cycle. You need time away to deal with things yourself, as unfortunatley you wont make any more progress getting over him by seeing him more. I dont think anyones saying cut off contact entirley with this guy if thats what you don't want to do, but you cant keep relying on this guy to make you feel better, as its only a temporary fix.

[amanda22]

OOOHHH!!! PM, thats my inbox!!! oh! yeah i am pretty new here and i forget i have an inbox got your messages, thanx