Feel like I lose either way... (kind of long)

[Milly2005]

background: I have been dating a guy for the last 4 years (we were seniors in highschool when we got together). He is the only guy I have ever dated, so I dont know much about relationships. When we got together it was because I was too shy to tell him I didn't like him and he was very persistent despite all the hints I gave him. I wasn't even really attracted to him, but because stuff at home was bad I really appreciated having someone to talk to. He is a really strong Christian and his faith was comforting. When I left home, he was really the only person in my life that really cared- in a true sincere unconditional way. Yet, I still didn't like him like a bf. Because I needed that love he gave me I just became his girlfriend like he wanted. I must say, i was only attracted to how much he loved me. He was so amazingly sweet. He would do everything for me, he cooked dinner, cleaned, just anything and everything. Every single day my first year of college he drove 1 1/2 hours and brought me a rose to school. We are talking about an amazing guy. Eventually he proposed and I said yes. In my mind I was thinking "shouldn't I be more excited then this?" I felt a sense of doom. I guess I always wanted a guy that I fell in love with and had all those go to the moon feelings with. Recently I broke off the relationship. Much to my surprise I am very very depressed. I don't know if it is because I really did love him more than I realized or what. Another big issue was that he wants a wife that doesnt work (he makes a lot of money) and I have always been a very ambitious person who had dreams of my own.

 

Now: When I am away from him I just want him again. When I think of my dreams, I just think "whats it all for, who cares." When he is around I feel empowered and energized to go do my dreams and live life- without him. Isn't that weird? It is like I can't go live my dreams with out his support, yet if he is there I can't go live my dreams. Should I just try to get over him, or am I ignoring signals that we should be together?

 

advice welcomed! I have never broken up with anyone....

[Mun]

Hi there,

I see how this would be very confusing for you .

 

What you need to realize is that you should be with someone you feel strongly about, not keep this man around because it's convenient for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I just feel that you are going to hurt him and yourself if you stay with him KNOWING that you don't really want him. I say this from experience, I dated a great guy who I just didn't fall in love with and I had to let him go too.

 

Let him go. He should have the opportunity to find a woman who is excited about him as you should to find a man who excites you.

 

Follow your dreams and stand on your own two feet from now on. I'm sure you are a strong woman and you will be able to achieve all you want as long as you stay true to yourself.

 

At least give yourself some time away from him ( to grow on your own )and see how you feel in a month or two.

 

Love

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

First of all, i hope u have tell him what u want and talk abt it thoroughly. Personally i feel that u shld marry a husband who would be supportive of ur dreams, as i always feel one who can support u, understand ur dreams is the one who will loves u MORE, i am emphasizing the word more here.

Second, I dun see the point u should get married for the sake 'HE SAYS SO!', coz i believe STRONG WOMEN (as what muneca says) have their own opinions and choices. If u are afraid u are losing a good catch, then i guess u got to weigh in the good and bad points of hanging with him still, thou i agree with muneca that U shld marry someone u feel strongly to. U marry someone with joy, happiness, peace of settling down, dun u?

Yes! u shld be strong on urself, coz u are Pursuing the dreams, NOT him, so i advise u to stay focus on what u want out from ur dreams. If he is the best one for u and he still loves u after u finish and done with ur dreams, who knows he might be there again, all over again for u.

 

P.S u, maybe thats a friendship i are with all these years, or love that sails too smooth, i dun know

[Milly2005]

Thanks for your advice

 

I know that he deserves someone who is as crazy about him as he is about me, that is part of the reason I broke up w/ him. He is a truly great person.

 

My question is more of, is it normal to grieve so much when you are the one breaking up the relationship? I miss him so so so much and am really depressed now. Yet if i go back there will still be the two issues of: should I work for a living, and why didn't i feel attracted to him (chemistry wise). I thought he was cute as in darling, and sweet- but there just wasnt the other stuff.

 

A last issue is that my dad was a rough (abusive) guy, and one that was very intense and fast paced. Nic was super slow paced, so part of me thinks that is the attraction thing. I wanted a more passionate person. It scares me that that means I might end up w/ an abusive person.

[Mun]

Maybe he just wasn't challenging enough and so you didn't feel much attraction?

 

This is a tough situation to be in and I can see why you would be scared that you might end up with an abusive man. You are passing up a "good guy" The thing is that you don't feel love for him like you should for a boyfriend and that is why you are passing him up. I would say you are grieving because even if you don't want him as a romantic partner, you are still losing your friend.

 

Hang in there.