I need help with no contact and getting over this man!!!!!

[Justagirl19]

HI-

For those of you that have read any of my past posts, you will all be happy to hear i finally ended it with this jerk!!

 

Now i need help with the no contact. It all came to a breaking point Friday evening when we had plans for me and the kids to come over and spend the night. So i get off work at 5pm and rush home and gather all our things and rush to his house, he said come over asap after work. (btw he played hooky from work this day) So i get to his house and what do ya know, he isnt even home. BUT his cars are there. He has 3. Im knocking on the door, calling over and over like 10 times and nothing. So i check the front door and its unlocked, so i go in yelling his name, the house is completely dark. The kids and I are a little creeped out at this point since he had told us to come over and now he isnt there, but his cars are? So i continue calling and texting and 30 mins pass and Im totally worried at this point. FInally he texts "on way" Im like what?? I go outside and he come riding up on his bicycle. He comes walking up to the door and i said, where were you, ive been worried!!! He is drunk, studders, "i was at the bar right there", which he is a regular at when we get in fights every week, he ends up there. And its not a normal bar, the girls are basically naked. And they all know him. Its a dive. Anyways, I definitely give him crap for what he did, not telling me he was doing that, and telling me to come over and he comes home at 6pm drunk in front of the kids. So he slurs he is sorry and only had 2 beers, hahaha yeah right. So he says he is hungry and wants to go eat and just drop it, so i do. We eat and i suffer through his annoyingness and as were driving home he says "Now that i fed you, you should leave" (keep in mind, this is what he does when we fight, he kicks me outta his house and it happen quite often) so i said "what?" and by that time i had pulled up to his house and was going to unpack mine and my kids things to spend the night. He proceeds to get outta the car and walks into his house and shuts the door. So i left. The kids of course are asking why we arent spending the night now. I dont hear a thing from him all night, until 2am when he texts me "hey" i happen to be awake in bed and i said "hi" and heard nothing again. So i go to sleep and the next day didnt hear anything until 4pm when he texts and asks "why did you leave last night? Are we together?" So i told him what happen and how it all went down and of course he has his excuses that he knew i wasnt gonna stop ing at him for going to the bar for a couple beers and whatever. He obviously went back to that bar all night long also. So i told him when he is ready for a real relationship with me and can be committed to me and the kids as a family and be on board, then he should call me and hopefully it wont be too late. So now, i need help moving on and having no contact. Any advice would be awesome please.

[cryingalways]

Does he get drunk often like this? It reminds me of many a time with my alcoholic ex. You just need to get away. And the fact that you have kids means you have to run away. You don't want them seeing their mum with some looser like that. It will not be good for them in the long run-TRUST ME. My parents have been with bad partners my whole life and it really affected me. I am always with terrible men most of the time now and it's partly due to seeing my mum think she is worth the terrible men she has been with. I hate to even admit that because I always told myself I'd never let myself be treated that way by a scum bad man but I just end up with slightly more educated and far more psychotic versions of the men my mother has been with. You have done the right thing and no contact should be easy if you keep in mind your children's well being. It's a straight forward decision.

[Justagirl19]

He does not get drunk often. He works like 60 hrs per week so during the week he is just working and sleeping and i dont even see him. On the weekends its been a pattern of, he will spend 1 whole weekend with me friday thru sunday, then somehow we end up in a fight during the week and he will then go out to the bar friday or sat night. All his loser friends go to that bar every single weekend, and its literally 3 mins walking distance from his house, so he just goes. So its about every other weekend he figures a way to go. And he has promised me so many times he would stop going and he is done with the bar scene. But he never follows through with that. Ever, and thats why i have to end it, because its been a pattern for 2 years and why would it ever change? I just need help moving on and i need to stop obssessing over him and thinking about him and checking his fb or whatever. I am so OCD with when it comes to him. LIke i still wanna be in control of what he is doing even though i never really was. New years is going to be extremely hard to get thru because thats the one day of the year i have been dreading, even though we were together, i had anxiety thinking "what if he starts a fight with me" or "what if he tells me he is just going to bed and ignores me" and im obbsessing over whats going to happen on new years for months now. so dumb. It should just be a given that we would be spending the holiday together but not with him since he finds a way to get rid of me every other week to head to the bar with his friends. I think me and my kids and his job are too much for him to handle. i dunno.

[savignon]

Keep your kids as your first and most important priority. You cannot subject them to his moods or him closing the door in your face when he decides "you've been fed and should leave". That's absolutely disgusting behavior. Don't let your kids see you be treated that way...it will have a huuuuge and lasting impact on them.

Even if it kills you to not talk to him anymore or see him again, remember that its what's best for your kids. I know most moms, including me, hold ourselves to higher standards when our kids are involved than we might if it were just ourselves suffering.

They deserve better (and so do you!!)

[Justagirl19]

Keep your kids as your first and most important priority. You cannot subject them to his moods or him closing the door in your face when he decides "you've been fed and should leave". That's absolutely disgusting behavior. Don't let your kids see you be treated that way...it will have a huuuuge and lasting impact on them.

Even if it kills you to not talk to him anymore or see him again, remember that its what's best for your kids. I know most moms, including me, hold ourselves to higher standards when our kids are involved than we might if it were just ourselves suffering.

They deserve better (and so do you!!)

 

Thats exactly what i keep telling myself. We all deserve better. And i keep looking back on all the disgusting things he has done, and why the f*** would i want to be with such scum like that???

[cryingalways]

Maybe you just need to fill your thoughts and life with new things so you don't feel so lonely. I know I do. It is a long effort but it will be worth it. I miss my ex too who was not nice to me so I understand the confusion of missing them even though they're bad. But you ave children and I wouldn't let a man behave badly around me and my kids if I had them. Kids come first.

 

I am worried about new years too. But you know what it's just a stupid countdown one night. I might even go to sleep instead of waiting up for it. The world will not explode and your anxieties do not matter anymore because he's gone. Find something new to worry over and spend your energy on. I would suggest your kids would be a worthwhile pursuit. Like i say, my mum was with a bad man. I saw some bad stuff growing up and it's affected me a lot. And the thing is behavior like this just gets worse. They think "oh I can get away with it" and they will treat you worse and worse. Give yourself some time. You will feel differently. Just say you're not talking to him for 30 or 60 days and then see how you feel at the end of that. That can help.

[Tanzi]

He is drunk, studders, "i was at the bar right there", which he is a regular at when we get in fights every week,

 

he comes home at 6pm drunk in front of the kids.

 

This should be good enough reason to stay away from him for EVER. Subjecting your children to a man who gets drunk in front of them and who regularly gets into fights is NOT good enough. Waiting for the call to say he is ready for a real relationship shouldn't be an option.

 

Now that i fed you, you should leave" (keep in mind, this is what he does when we fight, he kicks me outta his house and it happen quite often) so i said "what?" and by that time i had pulled up to his house and was going to unpack mine and my kids things to spend the night.

 

Bearing in mind he was drunk and you had already "suffered through his annoyingness" you shouldn't have contemplated spending the night. Really you should have taken your children away from the situation immediately. If he can't be responsible around them (and you) then he shouldn't be around any of you.

 

He isn't good enough to be a part of your family. You deserve better than this. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Only you can help yourself move on. You CAN stop obsessing over him. It isn't so hard. You just need to break the habit but, once broken, you won't want to go back. Of course he will still be in your thoughts but eventually (and as long as you DO help yourself) it will be to a lesser extent.

 

I once used to check up on an ex so I know what it is like to feel the urge to do so, followed by the anxiousness just beforehand because you don't know what you may find, quickly followed by a stab of pain because, even if you haven't found anything significant, you will analise just about anything and everything to a negative degree anyway. In the end I knew I had to stop myself from looking. Day 1 was hard, day 2 less hard, day 3 even less. By day 4 the urge was dying. Eventually I stopped even thinking about checking up on him. I still thought about him but I had no urge to check up on him.

 

Delete him from EVERYWHERE so that it is not easy to check up on him. Don't even think about it. Just do it.

 

I learned from my lesson. With my most current break-up I deleted my ex from everywhere - even from my gmail contacts list and LinkedIn. We were connected through our businesses too (through various means) and I didn't even want to see a company update that would also undoubtedly have his profile pic. It is impossible to emotionally move on from them if you are still physically attached to them and even if it is just seeing when they were last online through Whats App or similar, you are still attaching yourself to them and their movements. It all has to go. Once done ... when you KNOW you can't check up on them anymore, it makes it sooooo much easier to start letting go and moving on.

[Justagirl19]

A little Blue, thank you so much for taking the time to write me. I am making efforts to get rid of him completely, deleting him from fb and working on getting our pictures off there. There is a couple more things i still have to do. And i know your right about everything, so ill be doing that. Even pictures of him and my kids, its hard to delete those cause my kids are in them, but i dont need any reminders. I have to keep away from him completely and not contact him because we have done this before and i always give in and respond to his texts or calls. I CANT this time. Thanks again for your words.

[Justagirl19]

Yes my kids do come first and thats all ive been thinking about as i live each minute. Cause each minute is hard. I know in time, this will get easier. I just have to stay strong. And like you said fill my thoughts and life with new things. Getting back together with him is not an option, because i know he will never change, but i can still think "ok 30 days no contact, then see how i feel" and i know by then, i wont want hiim anymore just like a little blue below said. Thank you cryingalways for your comment. Every bit helps.

[Tanzi]

A little Blue, thank you so much for taking the time to write me. I am making efforts to get rid of him completely, deleting him from fb and working on getting our pictures off there. There is a couple more things i still have to do. And i know your right about everything, so ill be doing that. Even pictures of him and my kids, its hard to delete those cause my kids are in them, but i dont need any reminders. I have to keep away from him completely and not contact him because we have done this before and i always give in and respond to his texts or calls. I CANT this time. Thanks again for your words.

 

If you are finding it hard to delete the photos with your children in them then perhaps you could save them onto a disc and then stick it away in a drawer somewhere. Save them onto a disc, delete them from your computer, hide the disc away somewhere ... job done without any procrastination or dwelling over them. You know that these pictures are still there but you won't be tempted to keep fetching the disc from it's storage place and inserting into your computer to look over the pictures.