mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Hi everyone,I have been married for 4 years together 6. My husband has had various relations with men and women long b-4 he met me. And he was open and honest about everything. I can live with that. My problem now is in the b-ginning he was very sexual and very affectionate. Now he is not and when I try and talk about it he gets really angry. avoids sex completley and even starts fights before going to bed so he wont have to talk to me. Help me whats happening? Is it because he wants something else? He is always mad. I have told him I would do anything he wants if you know what I mean? But he says thats not what he wants. Help!!! I love him alot!!!, But I dont know what to do its been going on for 2 years even if I touch him he pulls away. Help!!! Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 What does he say when you ask him what he wants? Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 he just says he doesnt want that kind of lfe, or relationship. But he looks at the opposite sex all the time . Never shows interest in women? what is happening??? Link to comment
emma34 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 You've said he's been with men and women... so I take it you have some sort of suspicision of his sexuality. Tell him you are interested in experimenting, maybe his reaction wil be different? Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 What is "that kind of life" or "relationship"? It seems like you guys need counseling if you want to save your marriage. I hate to say it but if he was bi before you, maybe he's realizing that it's still not out of his system. Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 thats what I told him! I would do whatever he wants to make it better for him , and he tells me he doesnt want that. he feels bringing another person (male) into our marriage it would be a disaster. I kind of agree but I wont tell him that because I love him. ! Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 No, counseling! If he loves you too, he'll agree to it. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Sounds like he is associating with the same sex. My advice to you would be to get out while you are still young enough to meet someone who can fufill your desires. You sound like a nice person who is honestly trying hard to work out the issues in your relationship, but that isnt getting you anywhere. What is happening is not your fault, thats all on him. He is ignoring your needs in favor of his own, and his needs seemingly are pointing in the direction of another man. You could try marriage counseling, but I doubt it will work. You have been putting up with this for two years, why put up with anymore? If he was open about what he wanted and communicated with you, my advice would be different, but his reactions to you are of anger and frankly, that of a spoiled child. Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Well, that's true! Two years is a long time to be trying. Have you broached the topic of divorce with him? Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 thats what i was talking about! I think that to but he says no ....he loves me and doesnt want that........Im confused Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 We have talked about divorce , he doesnt want that,doesnt want the male thing either. Maybe he is lieing to himself? ????? I cant divorce him I love him! I just want to know what I can do othere than divorce...thats like giving up! Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Maybe he is lying to you and not to himself. Could it be another woman instead? Hey, ever watch the show "Cheaters"? How about getting a private investigator on him! You'd find out the cold hard TRUTH! Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 He doesnt act atracted to other women at all. Infact he buys playgirl mags to look at. I I know about it, and he likes toys to , Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 He gave up, not you. I dont know what else to tell you, if you like being this unhappy and not getting any in the sack, than stick with it. I would have bailed long ago. I think if you love someone you would do your best to make that person happy, and your hubby isnt even making an effort at it. You said yourself you cant talk to him, because he gets angry, so what other options do you feel you have? Link to comment
cleverme123 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Is it possible he is gay, but in the same aspect does not want to end it with you? Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 I dont know what else to do I love him so much , my previous marriage was so abusive ,physically mentally. We will have it maybe once every 8months and then I feel that its only to appease me. We went on a trip alone and I felt he had sex with me just to basically shut me up even though I dont pic at him about it or nag. I just dont get the sudden chage over the past 2 years??? Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 You seem to have some low self-esteem issues...still carrying on from your previous marriage. I think you deal with him b/c you don't want another failed marriage and b/c this one isn't abusive. You deserve a happy marriage more than anything and this hubby isn't going to give it to you. You need to make a decision, be a strong woman, respect yourself and think about yourself for a second. Iceman said early on that this guy was worried about himself and his needs, not you. It's true. How about worrying about you for once?? I suggested counseling at first because you did seem like you wanted to work things out. But after thinking things through, you've been trying far too long and marriage is NOT a one way street. This isn't love honey! I know you probably hate having to go through another divorce, but what other options do you have? None. Other than being miserable by being married to a man that doesn't love you and doesn't respect you. I hope you think about this and make a serious decision. Do you have kids with him? What if he were cheating (whether male or female)...would you leave him then? Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 No I dont have kids with him , i have 4 of my own the oldest is 22 youngest is 15. he loves all my kids. his kids dont like me becasue I have rules, so they went to live with their mother. Sometimes I think thats it too, but I dont know. How can you go from one extreme to another, change like that??? He is caring , a great stepdad, workaholic, very unselfish, but when it comes to us, i dont know. Your right I want to be touched and caressed and made to feel like im a women . Talk to me dont avoid me. I cant let him go. Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 What woman doesn't want to be caressed and feel loved! You need to sit him down and you need to tell him "Look, be honest with me. Why have you changed so drastically over the years? Do you want out of the marriage? We're both adults and aren't getting any younger. I'm not, obviously, making you happy and you're definitely not making me happy! We can't continue with this. Either we make a change together, or we give up on the relationship!" Lay all your cards out on the table. You need to do this. We can't answer why he's changed so drastically, only he can. I wish you all the best! Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Why can't you let him go if he isn't making you happy? Why are you settling? Do you think that there are no more men out there that can make you feel good, make you happy, treat you with respect? Yes, you're married, but he's not being a good husband. Just b/c he's a good father doesn't mean anything for you. After all, he's not the father of your kids. If you really care about this relationship, you will sit him down and you will try to talk about the relationship in an open and honest matter (of course like civilized adults too). Link to comment
mrsmarvl Posted December 9, 2004 Author Share Posted December 9, 2004 I have done that! And all he does is sit there. So I guess your right the ball is in my court. I do need to do something, I just dont know what , I still have 2 teenagers i have to think about also. Maybe I should get couseling to help me cope , becasue I dont want to leave him. But I still have needs , and cheating is not my ting anyways. BUt I will say this you guys are pretty smart for being so young, I hope i can still talk to all of you ?1!! thx a bunch you guys for helping an old lady Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I think the counseling would be a fine idea. Thank you, I have been living in relationship hell since I was 14, so I know a little something about them. Of course you can still talk to us, thats what we are here for. Good luck! Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I just don't think it's right that you stay in a marriage with someone that isn't going to love and respect you. If I saw hope in him, I'd say keep trying....just like I did in the beginning. But counseling, yes, you need it, but not YOU, the both of you (as a couple)! You are not the problem, he's the problem!! Yes, think about you and your kids! Don't make him your #1 priority! Seriously think about a divorce if this keeps dragging along. If you do leave him, don't look for love. Let it find you. You'll come to find that there are men out there that will cherish you and will treat you like a queen! Hang in there sweetie! Link to comment
Mun Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Hi there, I'm sorry you are going through this. You seem to be at your wits end and hey, I don't blame you. This marriage could work even with his past if only he was willing, but he isn't even trying and is dismissing your requests. Honey, I know you love him but you have to think of yourself too. Do you honestly think you can stick it out for 15 years or 20? If you love yourself you already know the answer. He is not willing to try, it's up to you to decide the next step. Be strong, you do deserve someone who will love you and care for you. This situation is not going to change if he is not going to do a thing to save the marriage. I do think counseling for yourself is a good idea. It may help you find the skills you need to move on. Good luck Link to comment
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