Confused and sad

[sparkey]

Here is my situation:

 

She is 34, has three children (10, 8 & 15 months) and has been divorced twice. SHe is a good person, strives to give her children what is best for them, we share the same type of work, have similar likes and of course our differences as well. She also has a brother who just got engaged a month ago and she thinks that she is wrong for him and is just using him for his money!

 

I have been dating her for seven months. When we met she was only three months out of a divorce being finalized. I spoke with her about that, that I didn't want to get into something if she wasn't ready.

 

She assured me that her feelings about her ex were gone a long time ago and that it was not an issue.

 

Ok, we dated for about 5 months. I met her parents, spent time at her parents place on the lake, we would share time at her house and on occasion I would help with yard work and even helped with her little guy at times, even including diapers! lol Well at 5 months she told me she needed some space to understand her direction and I gave her that. SHe told me that she didn't know how long it would be.

 

Well after almost three weeks of nothing, no emails, phone calls, I decided to put a personals ad on yahoo. I figured if she decided that she wasn't ready for this, then I was not going stop my life. Anyway, she contacted me a week later, we talked and she said she did want to date me, but nothing too serious right now. Well I was happy and completely forgot to delete that ad and she saw it (why she was on there I dont know) and got all pissed off at me. We talked about it and although she said she didn't like what I did, she did understand what prompted me and why. She also asked me if I was prepared to walk away ? I said if you weren't ready I was prepared to move on with my life.

 

Fast forward a month later. We have had some good times, however the holidays are here and suddenly, after she stops in too check my cat once on a weekend, she suddenly stops all contact with me. When I asked her what was up, she said nothing. Well, I am not stupid so I pressed her a bit and asked her why she was ignoring me and too talk to me if something is bothering her. She got mad at me and said she is so busy she doesn't have any free-time. Says she wished she could give me more but she can't at this time. A few days later she said that she knows I want us too move forward and that she is not ready to do that at this point and that it is unfair of her to think that I should wait for a time when she is ready to move forward.

 

OK, that is where we are at.

 

I apologized to her for making assumptions and pressing her on the issue, but I did not apologize for wanting to spend time with her. Told her I needed to sit back and do some thinking and then would like to talk to her.

 

We were seeing each other maybe once a week for a few hours. Call maybe once a week and share a few emails each week. I am not sure what she means by moving forward? Its not like I have thought about living together or getting engaged or anything like that. I just noticed a change and wanted to talk about it with her and she became very defensive.

 

I thought maybe its the holidays and she does not want us to spend time together with her kids so that they don't get too attached to me before we know where this is going. Reason I think this is, her middle aged will come up to me and hug me just for beign there, her oldest shows off and trys to be the center of attention when I am there and her little guy will totally ignore her and grab his little book, walk to me and want to sit on my lap so I read to him.

 

I think she is scared to death of letting herself or her kids get attached to me and then possibly getting hurt if things dont work out.

 

Now I didn't think we were moving forward. I thought, from my POV things were good they way they were.

 

I am at a loss how to handle this. I know I have to give her space and not pressure her, but how do I talk to her? I care for this woman alot and she has told me she cares about me as well.

 

All thougts and opinions are appreciated!

 

Mark

 

PS: Her last ex's were verbally abusive to her and she has already told me her second husband really destroyed her self-esteem.

[Beec]

Well, first of all, what are your options: date her exclsuively in a limited relationship and see what happens; stop dating her; or date her and date others too, or be open to that.

 

She obviously has an issue with you dating her and someone else, even though she seems to limit what she wants to give you. So, she may not give you that option. However, note that the idea of you seeing others can help you get her to chase you a bit.

 

Is what you have now enough? If not, then seeing her and her alone is probably not a good idea.

 

What are your options?

[studmaster3265]

Hi mark

umm well im only 18 years old and i dont think i can give much help since im not as experience as you are, but ill give it a try. Ok your right about her getting to close and getting hurt, but she cant always be scared right? Maybe she has seen in you the best of a man that she always wanted, but is scared since she doesnt know the bad things about you. Think about, here she has a man whos nice and everything. her kids like you and she likes you, but what if its all a front you know she has been with two guys and all she ever had was nothing but suffering. Show her and let her know that you do love her. sometimes going out of your way would be the best way to show some one your help and support.

 

Im not sure if i managed to help but i hope everything goes well for you mark.

 

wish you the best of luck

Juan

[tiger_lilies]

This is my opinion...when you date a single mother, you have to be quite serious about her since her children are involved. She's hot and then cold because she's probably confused about your real intentions.

 

She's probably thinking: What does this guy want from me? Is he serious about me and is looking towards a future together? Could he be the father of my children? Will he hurt me the way my two ex's have? Is he using me for sex?

 

I know that you would like to take things at her comfort speed level...but a single mother can't just "see what happens" even if she says that. She's probably trying to be casual about it, but I'm willing to bet that she is testing you to see how serious you are about her. When she doesn't call you...she's probably testing to see if you will call her. And then when you finally do, she's pissed off because you waited so long. Then she does a 180 and says she doesn't have time for you.

 

This is just my opinion since I know women tend to over-analyze things. I could be totally wrong.

[sparkey]

I do remember a few ex's tell me that I drove them crazy because they couldn't figure me out. That when we were together it was great, but at times I would seem disinterested and they would question what I wanted or if I really was into them.

 

I need to talk with her. Listen to her and and then just take a chance and tell her. Open my heart and take a chance. A friend told me, "tis much better to suffer from a brokenheart, that heals in time, than live with regret for a lifetime!"

 

Thanks!

[sparkey]

I called her this past Thursday....No anser..So I just said "Hi, just wanted to see how things were going. Mark"

 

Well received an email "Sorry missed the callm, running th kids to bball and stuff."

 

She is keeping communication open, but not much else. Mailed her a B-day card. (Her b-day is Wednesday) After a week, I am much mor relaed about the whole thing. All I can do is let her know I am here and live my life for me.

 

Mark