Does she really have feelings for me?

[MDB]

Ok, this is a little long winded please bear with me...

 

 

Me and my now ex Fiancée were together for 9years. We had a very close relationship, we shared so many interests and were pretty much always together. We communicated incredibly well and trusted each other beyond question. We loved each other very much indeed.

 

We've been through a lot together, I took her virginity, we set up a business which failed and bankrupt us. We were financially trying to recover from this.

 

Towards the end of our relationship I had complaints about her having pretty much zero interest in sex. We went to therapy because of her lack of interest. Her lack of interest stemmed from me not showing her enough interest/effort. Not in an emotional or loving way, I really treat her well I was affectionate with her every single day and emotionally supportive of her. The lack of interest was in a more practical sense. She would arrange most of our weekend trips or think of activities for us to do while I mainly went along with whatever she came up with.

 

We were trying to save for our wedding and a house deposit (we always rented, but wanted to buy). However she got bored easily and regularly needed nights out, or wanted to dine out have trips away etc... This is not a problem, but you can't both save hard and do everything else. She was a student, so most of my earnings went on supporting us. I couldn't do everything quite as she wanted. I knew we were having problems and suffered with anxiety attacks for a while which were a major turnoff for her. I did get through the anxiety but by then I think she'd pretty much written me off.

 

Recently she got into running and I supported and helped her with her training. She joined a Facebook group for local runners and was basically hit on by a guy on there. During a period of weeks she attended events with this group in which this man who was interested in her also attended. To cut the story down a bit she ended up getting to know him over a period of about 6 weeks and spent a lot of time alone with him.

 

She decided to leave me blaming our problems for the breakup. She has moved out into her own place now and she is seeing him instantly. I know she has now slept with him, bearing in mind she had only ever slept with me until now this kills me.

 

The thing is, she told me she was leaving but instead of packing and taking time to actually split with me she spent her time with him. She finally moved out (I almost had to push her out). During her first week of being moved out she regularly came to spend time with me and slept in my bed wrapped in my arms. Why I allowed this was because of clinging onto hope.

 

She gave me mixed messages, saying how confused she was about things yet she spent time with him. She told me she didn't know what she thought of him, but could possibly date him. She loves me but isn't in love with me.

 

I've spent a lot of time socialising to cope with the split and she now thinks I have kissed other women whilst drunk. (I made her think this to gauge her reaction). She phoned me instantly quizzing me on what I was doing. She cried hearing me on the phone in such a drunk state.

 

We are sharing our dogs and when she dropped them off to me last I told her I want her back. She said the only thing stopping that is the fact that nothing would change, our problems would still be there.

 

I've text her a few times and sometimes she won't respond, but a lot of times she has.

 

I know she mainly sees the other man on weekends. She won't discus him with me now, she hasn't admitted to sleeping with him. However she won't deny it either.

 

 

I'm a right in thinking that she could still hold something for me? She would still enjoy my company if I was in an emotionally stable place (which I'm not right now) and the other day I got the feeling she was liking how I looked physically.

 

She still has a few things at my place which are still to be sorted out. I just don't know what to think or feel, I'd love some advice.

[MDB]

I'd like to add that I still love her, I never wanted to split up. I know my mistakes and would work to fix them.

 

I don't know how serious she is about the other guy. She has hurt me beyond belief with her actions lately, but I can't help loving her and missing her. She's been moved out for about 2 weeks.

 

My plan for now is minimal contact for the sake of sharing our dogs only. No more chasing, making her feel bad, or begging. Also I'm trying not to show I'm jealous.

[Ms Darcy]

Have seen this many times before.

 

1. First relationship.

2. Lasts forever

3. Moving towards "next step"

4. DIfferences/incompatabilities become magnifie

5. Dumper starts withdrawing from the relationship for a while

6. Dumper meets someone else who gives him/her the courage to end it

7. Dumper ends it

8. Dumper is goes into panic mode/still has hope

9. Dumper is sad and gives mixed signals to dumpee

10. If dumpee sticks around dumper, mixed signals continue

11. Dumper gets stronger

12. Dumpee gets more confused/frustrated

13. Dumper moves on

14. Dumpee is a wreck for a long time

 

You are at part 9. If you don't cut contact, she will use you to get over you. She's not in love with you anymore, but she definitely misses the comfort and security you provided. I would advise you to stop being her security blanket while she has sex with the guy she's actually attracted to. You deserve better.

[MDB]

Have seen this many times before.

 

1. First relationship.

2. Lasts forever

3. Moving towards "next step"

4. DIfferences/incompatabilities become magnifie

5. Dumper starts withdrawing from the relationship for a while

6. Dumper meets someone else who gives him/her the courage to end it

7. Dumper ends it

8. Dumper is goes into panic mode/still has hope

9. Dumper is sad and gives mixed signals to dumpee

10. If dumpee sticks around dumper, mixed signals continue

11. Dumper gets stronger

12. Dumpee gets more confused/frustrated

13. Dumper moves on

14. Dumpee is a wreck for a long time

 

You are at part 9. If you don't cut contact, she will use you to get over you. She's not in love with you anymore, but she definitely misses the comfort and security you provided. I would advise you to stop being her security blanket while she has sex with the guy she's actually attracted to. You deserve better.

 

Thank you for your input. I'm going to leave her to it as hard as it is for me. I just wonder what the new guys intentions really are (I don't know him at all). I do know that from what I've gathered he seems like a bit of a predator and is full of the kind of bull that I'm not.

 

I just don't know how this is going with her, what if it doesn't last with him? I don't know what to feel right now I'm so up and down. Positive one minute and devastated the next.

 

 

 

What's the chances she'll come running back? I know I shouldn't want her now and in time I probably won't. Seeing her for the dogs kills me because my heart pounds and I still want her so badly.

[Ms Darcy]

Don't put too much weight on whether it lasts with him or not. Often, the next relationship (or "rebound" if that is what it is) is about helping the dumper move on from the long term relationship. And then it's the NEXT guy who is the real thing.

[MDB]

I just never thought I'd see this day. Sex was such an important thing to her and me. She hardly knows him and after 9 years with only me she has been with him. I'm in pieces over that.

 

I just have a nagging feeling she's making a BIG mistake.

 

Surely she will miss what we had, we were so close best friends. I know her better than any other person in the world.

[Ms Darcy]

The less you know about what's going on in her life, the better for you. That way, you won't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.

[MDB]

The less you know about what's going on in her life, the better for you. That way, you won't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.

 

I appreciate your input. I do realise this and I have decided to leave her alone now or 'set her free'. I still find it hard to take in.

 

Right now I just want her and miss her. I'm kind of hoping she's going to see the grass isn't greener.

 

I do believe she won't find a man like me. I've given her so much unconditional love. I've financially and emotionally supported her for years. I'm a good person and believe she will eventually see what she has turned her back on.

 

It just hurts, it really does.

[Ms Darcy]

Of course you offered her something special and vice versa. But you both will find very happy and fulfilling relationships in the future. It takes time and healing.