4 months post breakup and want to disappear

[ksm1988]

Hi all,

 

I hope someone can help me. I am just under 4 months post breakup. I have not been particularly good with NC. Behaviour of the course of the 4 months is as follows:

 

*Begging, pleading with him to reconsider

*Texting angry messages to him about seeing someone else or being cold/insensitive

*Nice emails wishing him well

*Random texts which I have created reasons to send

*sobbing to him when i have seen him out

*no more than 2 weeks NC at any one time

*Stalked FB, Instagram etc

 

So all in all I have done everything you are not supposed to. Now he has blocked me from FB, Instagram, so have his close friends. He is dating someone else or in a relationship I am not sure, I havent tried to find out.

 

I am now left in this place where I honestly just want to end it all. I want to run away, never come back or worse still, just end the pain. I think about him 24/7. I am doing everything I am supposed to:

 

*Go out with Friends

*Confide in close family/Friends

*Get help from a councellor

*Deleted photos of us/hidden all reminders of him

 

I am also on antidepressants but I just feel absolutely awful and cannot see a way out of this black hole. I go to work, I go through the motions but I miss him/Love him so much and cant seem to let go. I know I have acted like a crazy fool and he probably thinks I am a nutter but I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

I know he does not love me and has moved on and I cannot contact him again but I just want to curl up in a ball.

 

Can anyone sympathise or help in any way?

 

Thanks

[Kendahke]

My help for you is in the advice I"m going to give you and I hope you will seriously consider what I'm about to say.

 

Where you are right now in your break up process is the grief stage. Your emotions are all over the place and that is to be expected. Feelings are: they aren't right or wrong.

 

HOWEVER

 

Putting those feeling into action is where the right and wrong enter in.

 

Everything that you are doing is making you out to be the crazy ex who won't let go and he and his friends are circling the wagons to lock you out; don't let it get to the point where he has to get an RO sworn out on you to get you to back off.

Delete him/block him on any social media if you can't exercise the discpline to stay off his media sites.

Delete his phone number from your phone. There is an app for your phone that will not allow you to dial a certain number--it's for drunk dialing and it really should be reclassified as emotional dialing. Do a google search on it--it's out there because I looked it up for another poster a few months back and found it. Get it and install it on your phone since you cannot stop yourself.

 

Make an appointment with a therapist to help you resolve your feeling about this relationship ending. There is nothing more you can do to get him to change his mind, so you need to gather up your dignity and grace and quit spilling it all out in the street. He's not going to care that some out of control chick is wailing in the street for him. You have to get a hold of youself.

 

Your relationship with him is over. Accept that, wish him well in his life and you move on.

[elsenyor]

it's never too late to start NC, really stick to it this time around as hard as it may be it will help. I was a relative mess around 4 - 5 months, at first I cried every day, then it turned to once a week, than once every 8 - 12 days, then once every 2 weeks, then once a month, and now I went 2 months without crying (yesterday I had a melt down unexpectedly).

 

I'm a little over 8 months in and it was a total of 1.5 year relationship, my first love and girlfriend. It gets better gradually there's no doubt about that, but you really have to keep to NC. Learn from your mistakes and don't beat yourself up for them, I'm also on antidepressants and did go to a psychologist, I'm now slowly reducing my consumption of the pills.

 

You're on the right track but try to avoid talking incessantly about the relationship or wanting to get back together. Read this guide link removed it will help greatly. Keep coming back to ENA there's tons of good advice around and you will get a lot of feedback as well.

 

Keep your head up high, while you're in middle of it it will feel like an eternity but once you're out of the tunnel it will all seem so trivial.

[ksm1988]

Thank you....that was quite hard to read 'tough love' but you are right. I am so not that person! Or should I say I dont want to be that person. There is a strong possibility that I may see him this saturday and I HAVE to stay strong and not react to his presence. I think a lot of the grief comes from a bruised ego and in fairness I have done a lot of that bruising myself.

 

I know I have to move on and leave him alone....I know that I have to be strong and see a life outside of this relationship that wasnt working.

 

You are right, he is never coming back and there is nothing I can do about that but I can preserve what little is left of my dignity.

 

I just hurt so so so much.

[ksm1988]

Thank you! I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment but I know I will do at some point. Everything just feels so bleak. I have had some really dark thoughts and I hate myself for being so weak and trying to get someone back who isnt interested. I dont want him and his friends to be laughing at me. I am paranoid....

 

I just feel like I have made a complete and utter fool of myself.

[SooSad33]

It WILL get worse, before it gets better. Don't belittle yourself for what you've done. MANY act out this way with a loss/rejection. It is VERY hard to accept, we know.

 

Like mentioned, now that your done with the hurt/anger repsonse, work on toning it down now. Work on 'staying away' from everything to do with him and 'accepting & dealing' with YOU.

 

It will take some time to get over this. Loss hurts- a lot! Yes....

One day at a time though.. keep up with counselling & the med's to be able to keep working on this. Im doing the same and am on month 8 from a 5 yr relationship. Still hurts & still emotional. But.. I keep going. For myself.. for my kids.

 

Just remember.. you were good before him.. you will be okay, in time, again...after him. And in the end, he will come to 'think * feel' his own loss here. dumpers do.. later.

 

Keep going.. and stick with us at ENA. I've found it very helpful, you're not alone.

 

tc

[sonicfan287]

Hi ksm,

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, but I'm hoping I can help.

 

Everything you said reminded me of my situation with my ex back in 2010 (and again in 2012) . After she broke up with me, I was a wreck and kept in contact, went through phases where I'd be mat at her, then be nice, then try to act like I was fine and things got worse and worse. Pretty much everything you described yourself feeling is how I felt. I was so embarrassed because some days I couldn't stop crying, even in public. Believe it or not, we got back together but things did not go well after that. We broke up 2 more times, and the third time was the worst because I knew for sure she was gone for good.

 

So, I'm going to try to guide you through this as best I can. I'm over 18 months post BU and I'm feeling a lot more like myself again. I actually feel better than I did before I met her because I endured so much pain and came out better for it in the end. But, here are some things to remember...

 

Take care of yourself : I know this is a fairly obvious one, but don't beat yourself up, continue doing what you're doing, seeing friends and trying to maintain a positive attitude. It's okay and normal to have setbacks and you will have moments of despair but they will pass. You'll find yourself healing even faster once you've stopped talking to him for good. As mentioned before, NC is the best way, it really is. I was pretty much "forced" into NC and at the time, it felt like someone was pouring acid on my heart but over time, I was able to replace her memory with so many other things. I'm confident you can do the same. Try your hardest to give yourself so many things to do that you don't have time to think about him. I know it's tough and your mind will always seem to find a way to dwell on it (again, this is normal) but over time, you will get tired of feeling the pain you're feeling and you will begin to feel calm again. The clouds will lift.

 

Make the most of this time. Someday you will be healed and this will all be a simple memory to you, which is a good thing. However, until then, you'll experience a whirlwind of emotions but this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, our greatest accomplishments can take place when our senses are heightened, our emotions are driving hard and there's a determination burning inside. Tell yourself (because it's true) that you're not a "nut", you're better than that and you deserve the best. Then, back it up by filling your time with something worthwhile. This could be your chance to do something fun on your own that you weren't able to do when you were tied down. Explore a new hobby, or learn something you've always wanted to do.

 

I know a lot of this stuff is easier said than done, but I'm sure you'll agree that its better than sitting alone feeling depressed. You WILL make it through this. If it helps, continue to come on here as well. I was here pretty much every day and night during my hard times in 2010-2012, and it really helped a lot. Sometimes I'd just ramble about things I was feeling but it felt great to get them out. This community is so supportive too. I'll never forget one night I was unbelievably upset at 4 am. I logged on here and just let out all my feelings. Not only did I get some replies, but I got them right away (granted, different time zones help with that) and I was blown away by that. No matter how "alone" you may feel, there are ALWAYS others in your same position, or worse. They can help you too and you can help them. You can learn from this and become a stronger and improved you.

 

The pain I endured last year was definitely intense, but I feel like a better person because of it (although I have a lot of work to do myself). In the end, I'll take the trade off and I'm hoping in time you'll feel the peace and calm you deserve to feel. Until then, I'm available to PM or talk to, as I'm sure others in the community are. Best of luck. I'm rooting for you